Mens clothes

I buy mens clothes. I have done it since I was 16. Then I used ties and smoked using a pipe:)
When I am weight restored i will buy myself a nice suit.

I love hoodies. They are perfect for warming the neck when outside and they are comfy as I wear them in many sizes too big. The clothes can't be tight. I mostly wear thick cotton sweatpants, and love large mens shirts, mens boots, baggy jeans and winter jackets! I feel more feminine with mens clothes and more masculine in womens clothes. I only had a pair of heels when i learned to dance tango. I have a male friend who think women looks better in male clothes because they look more feminine then. He wears clothes that gives an illusion that he is hard and cruel, but when he shows his feelings he is the opposite of that illusion.

I think some of the reason I wear these clothes is that I don't want people to expect anything old fashion female from me, like my mothers vanity that takes her to serve men and reducing her self to an object in the process. I was surprised when she wanted me to be like her, a hostess too, when i was 14 or so. I was like: Really???

I would never put my self under a man like that and live to be desirable for men. I want to make that perfectly clear by my clothes that I do not want to look sexy and I do not want men to think I will please their desires.

To be skinny has been a way to not draw attention to my tits and ass, or the lack of them, but clothing will help a lot too.

I remember why I started wearing mens clothes so I know why i did it. It was when I began restricting my sexuality. Restricting eating was a perfect way to do it too, i found out the same year. Did any of you want to restrict your sexual desires too? In my teens I was scared of how attracted I was to boys and how much sexual energy I had. It was just too much to handle and I wasn't yet muture enough to have a serious relationship. And because I was immature it was hard to get attention from men and boys on other parts of me. All attention was drawn to my body. At this age I felt I really needed to get attention on a deeper level so I could get to know myself. When it seemed impossible to experience that anyone asked me anything to find out who I was I started my own project starving my appetites so i could find out myself who I was. By starving and make sure boys and men didn't look at me as an object with my new clothing style I got rid of distractions on the path of self discovery. It has been successfull. In my world everyone seemed self centered so this was my way of doing it on my own. With the help of God from age 21 when my eating stabilised and appeared more normal.

I still experience that people aren't interested in me (just them selves), but now I think I just have to make them interested. Talk even though they haven't asked me anything. (I have waited forever for that to happen.) Love myself so much that i take care of my self enough to talk when I need to and not wait for "permission". I think it still sucks when people don't listen very well, but at least I can express myself, listen to myself and reflect on that.

May 31, 2016 |

Answering questions

Question: Will my organs/body recover fully on a lower intake if it makes me gain weight? Will my body just gravitate towards set point weight whether i eat 1500 or 3000?"

You will restore weight if you eat what the body needs daily as if you where recovered, but that's about it. Healing takes extra energy, you know. There is no way around it, unfortunately. You can eat as much as it needs so it can be done with the healing and give you the extra energy for mood and movement.

If you eat 1500 you will stop gaining long before you reach your set point weight, but as I said, you will not be healed on that amount. I can't imagine the body will suppress metabolism that far, you know. So eating 3000, if that is your healing minimum according to the MM guidelines, is so much better. Your metabolism will be high when you have recovered, so you can eat what ever and how much you want for the rest of your life, you will heal much quicker and soon you have your freedom back. The freedom ED took as a payment for making you thinner.

Buy a beautiful dress in the set point weight size to look forward to wear:)
 
Depression and ED:
Problem: "I get angry at being depressed and that is when the eating issues really start to take hold."

Instead of being angry you are depressed try to care about the reason why you are depressed so you can do something about it. The reasons why you don't allow your self to be free to feel, think and do what ever you feel like is what needs to change. And that is false beliefs like "I'm not worthy" and shit like that you need to stop listening to, because it's bullshit and you know it somewhere inside of you.

You want to eat. ED don't. If you eat ED gets angry, not you. ED is the destructor, you are uplifing joy and love. Will you be you, strong and happy, or the weak, scared slave of ED that puts you in the shadow, isolation and depression?

Today

I talked to a very intelligent man right now. Not even him understood that for the body to come in balance it needs more food to compensate for all it didn't get. I don't understand why that is so hard to understand for people. It irritates me because then they might think I "get too fat" and "have got a binge eating disorder". Hopefully they admit they don't understand and lay low because of that.
Success and struggle: My hunger and appetite are still increasing. I almost reached minimum yesterday and will definetely reach it today. That took me only 6 days. That's how hungry my body is. The more I eat the more I want the next day. Wonder if that will ever stop before I have reached set point weight. That will take a while.

Overcome struggle: I have not been anxious, besides a little bit for the thought: "don't I eat too much now?" that I have to answer back: "Relax, you haven't even reached your minimums yet". Remember you need more than normal amounts."  (I think the body can feel it's fed with extra calories for healing and that I registrate that.) But yesterday when I layed my hand on my hip bones on the back before sleep I suddenly felt a bit of panick and thought "I can't live without feeling my bones!" Luckily a more reasonable thought came to assist and I understood it isn't the fat on the hips I am afraid of, luckily, but to be all soft. I have forgotten how it is to have fat on my body. Will even fat people be able to feel their hip bones on the back through the fat or not? It's exhausting to just eat and sleep. I mean it is exhausting being anxious.

The fuck it "diet"

It's so funny and I love my body because of this. All I do is eat and sleep. I wake up hungry after five hours of sleep at night, get up by the thought of food, eat, sit up for a little while with my computer, get tired and go back to sleep. Then I wake up after an hour or two later, get up by the thought of food and eat, are up for a little while and go back to sleep. This goes on and on. I call it speed recovery.

I found an awesome blog I want you to pay attention to. It's called and are about the fuck it "diet". Heard of it? No? This is so bad ass cool. This can kick start your recovery if you haven't started the journey yet. Take a look and read: http://thefuckitdiet.com/ It's so motivating, inspirational and healty minded (natural). It encourage women to be bold, accepting and natural.

I like being bold. I thought I was when balancing on the edge of death. That wasn't bold, that was reckless. To be natural, strong, caring and genuin is bold in the culture I/we live in.

The people who eat what they want, the amount they need and have a natural body are the boldest. Not those who are scared of not pleasing others, restrict themselves in every way afraid of rejection, exrecise even though it doesn't make them happy and try to fool people with a perfect image (and showing parts of life only) even though everybody knows human beings will never be perfect.

I'm going to eliminate the negative thoughts by the method taught by the woman behind the fuck it "diet". Like if there is a thought that makes it hard to recovery, f.ex. " I'm not worthy" you say it so you can hear it in 30 seconds and feel what the statement does to you while tapping your heart chakra. I tried it with " I'm not so important" and it works. When I had said it about 30 seconds the words had no effect on me anymore. It was just empty words. I didn't believe them anymore. Other statements can be: "fat people are weak","there must be something wrong with me", noone can really love me", "I'm a pig" and so on. Say it with the words you'd use. Drink some water afterwards. She explains this method in her youtube video and in this book are a lot of suggestions too:https://gumroad.com/l/foodbeliefs#

Im curious about this book: https://gumroad.com/l/VKSW#


iF YOU HATE YOUR BODY, THE HATE HASN'T GOT THE RIGHT ADDRESS.

iF YOU ARE DISGUSTED BY YOUR BODY, IT'S NOT THE BODY THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH.

The calories the first part of this week

I have had a natural increase of calories this week, from an average of 1520 last week. I have eaten according to my hunger and appetite. I have been relaxed about it. I find it interesting that there is no point in increasing mecanically as I had planned. It can happen quicker as you can see. When this happens naturally it's all fine.
Monday: 1681
Tuesday:   1828
Wednesd:  1918
Thursday:  2063
I will give an update in a few days unless I am too ashamed of a huge number at the end of the week:) Perhaps I am heading towards EXTREME HUNGER!! I am scared, I must admit. I don't like the idea of eating 2500 or more calories a day. On the other hand it is better to gain weight on that amount than on 1600 like some others do, you know. I guess it's just the number that freaks me out. I hope my body can gain on 2600 max and in this way avoid extreme hunger. I want a little bit of control:( Please! Please! We will see what I will do when the time comes.

I'm sorry I can't give you any weight numbers along with this increase of calories. I do not want to torture myself with that. I know I will probably gain 30 kilos anyway, so, it doesn't really matter. I think I will gain 30 and afterwards lose 7 kilos and not be far from overweight according to BMI calculators. How can a body be called overweight when it is at it's set point weight and the healthiest it can be? Stupid calculator!

Today i have felt there is some healing going on in my legs and feet. That is a good sign.

A dream 3 days after I jumped into project full recovery.

I haven't remembered a dream for so long. This morning I dreamt a vivid one.

My father drove me home from a place we had been further north in the country. We had a stop where he laid down in the grass and took my body on top of his, back down. He touched me all over. I was surprised because he never used to toutch me. Even my breasts. I first thought it wasn't on purpose, but he did it more, and definetely on purpose. I asked if he missed his wife. He wanted us to take our clothes off, especially my bra. A black bra came off and we laid down on the grass beside each other with our backs down. I rose up and found that bits of wood (about 5 * 3 cm) had penetrated the skin on my back. My fathers back was also full of them. I wondered if this was an attack of some kind of disease. We hurried removing the bits and turn back to the car.

Our next stop was at a cafe' so we could pee. My dad went first while I stood in the cafe' waiting. I waited a long time, and when he came out I had to wait for other men to finish. After a while I went in to see, but the toilet was still occupied. My father said I could actually pee where men stand to pee. "You got to be kidding", I thought, because there ayone coming in could see me. I decided to leave. We used some time to find all our belongings before we could. Our clothes were at different places. I even found my brah was still not on my body.

We took a new stop where his wife lived together with several other women. He on the other hand was heading to his house in the same town as me. In the kitchen I told some of them that my dad had caressed my breasts. His wife came in when I said it and looked disturbed. I  immediately thought I shouldn't have said anything and recognized that I once again had talked freely without thinking about the consequenses. I thought I could hit myself in the head.

Anyway, I think we stopped just to pick up something. When I was going back to the car the women followed me. I don't know where my daddy went. Perhaps he was in the car waiting. I wanted to express my energy and jumped around and made a terrible split in the air. One of the women understood my intensions and expressed that she wasn't at all impressed. She and the others began jumping around too. It was fun. On our right side there was a field. The sun was shining and a man and a woman was out there in a good mood.

Phases of recovery, in short.

Found on Youreatopia.com:http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2012/11/23/phases-of-recovery-from-a-restrictive-eating-disorder.html

Phase I- Edema
Digestive distress is common in this first phase: bloating, gas, pain and abdominal distention, diarrhea or constipation. You can alleviate this a bit by eating smaller amounts more constantly throughout the day. Despite all the physical discomfort of these early days, many experience a tremendous sense of relief and initial joy at eating in an unrestricted way. Carbs, sugars and fat feature prominently in the early phases and protein makes a surge later on. Hopefully, your craving for dietary fat has been strong (an important factor in healing the central, peripheral and enteric nervous systems). However, the restrictive eating disorder will not allow that relief to stand for very long. Soon you will find yourself starting to feel edgy and anxious.

1. Extreme hunger is a normal progression in recovery. It does not last. You do not ‘habituate’ to 6000-10,000 calories a day, but you need that energy during refeeding.
2. No one keeps gaining and gaining.
3. Your body has an optimal weight set point that it can and will defend.
4. Pain is normal. Rest. No weighing or exercise.

PhaseII
The body preferentially lays down fat around the mid-section to insulate vital organs from hypothermia.
For many this tends to be a phase of extreme impatience—following all the guidelines day and day out and yet still wearing floaty and stretchy clothes and feeling like an alien in your own body seems unfair. You may still be restoring weight and that will bother your eating disorder-generated anxiety. Your body may additionally need to temporarily overshoot its optimal weight set point in this process in order to return to a correct fat mass to fat-free mass ratio.

Phase III—bones, muscles, almost there
Assuming you have been purposefully eating to your minimum guidelines and responding to extreme hunger without compensatory restriction up to this phase, then you start to get rewarded for all your hard work.
Osteopenia and osteoporosis begin to reverse (the completion of that may take up to 7 years, but it begins to reverse in this phase).
The fat deposited around the mid-section is now beginning to be redistributed throughout the body. Fat mass increase disproportionately to fat-free mass in the beginning of recovery, and the fat-free mass play 'catch-up' with the fat mass. so, both fat-free mass and fat mass are proportionally present after a solid recovery effort, that is, eating plenty and resting plenty.
Hair, nails and skin begin to have increased pliability and suppleness.
You also start to feel more connected and self-imposed isolation diminishes. You feel less emotional blunting and start to want things for your life.
This occurs for many at around the 4-6 month mark, but for others it takes shape between months 8-12.

A warning from G. at youreatopia: Many lower intake because they confuse weight restoration with energy balance. I call it "recover, but not too much" and it's driven by sociocultural silliness rather than scientific evidence supported by the Minnesota Starvation Experiment and Andrea Garber's analyses of IP settings.
So keep eating minimum after weight restoration. The extra energy will be used for activety when it is no longer used for healing.

Kjempegode, kjempesøte kaker

Karamellstenger

100 g mykt smør
2 1/4 dl (138 g) mandelmel
1/2 dl sukrin+1/2 dl sukrin gold eller 3/4 dl tagatose
1/2 ts vaniljepulver

Sett ovnen på 150 grader.
Pisk smør og sukrin luftig.
Tilsett resten.
Press deigen flat på et bakepapir på stekebrett og skjær i deler
eller lag små, flate rundinger.

Oppbevares i kakeboks.

I enjoy eating new foods while i'm in recovery.

I didn't find lung mash without pork, but I bought sausages of chicken. I haven't eaten them for 28 years! It was funny eating them now. Tasted good. And I like that it takes no effort to get dinner (or lunch). I just had half a chocorite bar and 22 g of cavalier dark while the sausages got warm and had the sausages on a fork. ha ha.

Have you noticed that chocorite are trying to make bars like quest bars? I bought mocka caramel and had my first bite today.

Not bad at all. Not so much taste of caramel, though. They are up there with quest I'll say. And not bad that they has made a bar recipe Quest hasn't. I have missed caramel. I tried cavalier stevia caramel. It was too sweet and the caramel was dry and didn't taste caramel either. Just very, very sweet. It cost a lot and are not worth the money. I also bought chocorite peanut butter bars. They are thinner. I haven't tasted them yet, but i'll tell you tomorrow. The first ones has 3 netcarbs in one bar (bigger than quest bars) and the thin ones has 1 net carb in one bar. From Iherb.com.

Yummy

I had a bit of a nausea this morning, but I ate anyway, but just what I didn't find disgusting. I think the cause was either that I ate more fat yesterday than usual (it hurts a bit in the gall blader area) or just because I have a bad head ache.
I had a almond bun with lots of butter and brie+ the rest of my cavalier dark berries with stevia+half a quest bar. I haven't had brie for decades. I now see why people in recovery are showing their food on instagram, ha ha. It's such a joy to eat what ever we like. Our new freedom. I have been tempted to show what I eat too, but it's not that important that its worth the work.If I had a lot of visitors here perhaps I'd do it. At least if someone wanted me to.

Today

Success: I have committed my self to go for full recovery, so I bought food I haven't eaten for decades today. To shop was a new experience. It was not walking like a zombie to get the usual, but to look for what I wanted to taste and eat. I came alive in the grocery shop of all places:)

I think i will soon eat minimum. Eating food with more fat makes it easy to reach minimum.

Struggle: My body gives me head aches. It got worse today. It knows this will put my body to rest. But hey! I don't need that head ache to rest anymore! I do it voluntarily now. Hallo!

It's not just when I'm eating!

It is the whole of me that is restricted. I hold my self back on every level of life! Eating is just one of many areas. Everything I do is restricted. And I am always more or less restricting myself. I never talk as much as I want to. I don't move freely. I don't express my emotions freely. Wow, this recovery will be about setting myself free at every aspect of life. I will have to accept who I am and show it. I am not going to hold my self back any more. I am going to fill the space God has made for me, physically, etherically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I will not hold back my sexuality and sillyness. I will not hold back my opinions, feelings and thoughts. I will be as unwomanly and be as crazy as I find funny. I am no longer going to narrow my self into a form of perfection! I don't want to be scared about other peoples reactions. I want to have fun!

I'm finished preparing and are taking the jump tomorrow.

My goal now is body healing and reaching it's set point weight. That means I'm ditching the other plan I had.  Tomorrow I jump up 180 calories to 1700 calories from 1520 this week. After three or so days I'll jump further to 1900 calories, after another 3 days if I'm hungry for more I'll jump to 2100 and after another three days I'll jump to 2300. I'm thinking I may need more time than three days to be hungry for more, but the opposite can happen as well, and my body may be ready to jump after only two days. I will find the best solution for my body, and will not force it to eat like I forced it to starve.

One motivating factor is reading recipes and thinking I can allow myself to eat all that. That gives me joy and a feeling of freedom. I have solved my clothing problem so that is no longer holding me back from jumping to reach my goal, or my body's goal, more precisely. See, I refuse to dress womanly and with curves I see that as a threat to my body image. I like teen boys wear and mens wear. I started dressing with ties and mens jackets when I was 16, and I have never liked much of womens wear. I do like some, though, but it can easily be combined with mens wear.

Only thing I'm not sure about yet is if I am going to follow a meal plan or let my self give in to extreme hunger if that arrives. I have been wondering what the result of giving in to EH compared to not giving into it will be. I haven't found so much info about it. Just that some who doesn't give into it may think they are recovered before they really are. I don't want that of course. I want full recovery and stay there. I am not afraid of EH, because I have experienced it many years ago, but I would prefer avoiding it because I don't think I can afford to buy a huge amount of food at the moment.

So I wonder if it is possible to get a healthy recovery without giving in to it. I would rather eat a few hundred calories more than minimum daily than eating a lot the first days of the month and end up with no money for food at the end of the month. Will I overshoot more if I don't give into it and use very much more time to get well without extreme eating? I do not want to worry about not having enough money for food either. That is stressful.

So untill more money is coming in I think eating according to a meal plan and counting calories to make sure I eat enough will be the best for me. If I get extreme hunger I don't have to count, but I will try to have some control so i don't eat what ever and extreme amounts. I have read about peoples experiences with extreme hunger today. Two said that the extreme hunger disappeared after a few weeks because the body understood it got enough food every day. I find that reasonable. I mean, it's ok and understandable that the body are telling me it is very hungry, but as long as I feed it food for healing purposes it is not restricting when I don't give into it and let my body take over completely. I don't say there is wrong eating according to the extreme hunger, but I think maybe it is okey not to do it as well as long as I give the body above minimum amounts.

I will get more money when a guy moves into the apartment in june, july or august. This person can be a challange for me, and that's ok. This recovery will test our friendship because he likes me skinnier the better and have to watch me eat a lot and be huge. It will certainly be interesting to see if he can be supportive or not.Perhaps he wants to move out or never move in, ha ha. At first I thought I needed to be sure he could support me before I could take the jump into full recovery, but as my motivation increased I don't feel I need his approval. This is my thing, if he likes it or not. I can handle a rejection if it's based on such a superficial thing as body size. 

Tell it in words

Remember It's okey to tell people who annoys you what annoys you. It is not rude to say: I'd appreciate it if you didn't... or could bla bla bla....Sometimes I have to think about what to say before I say it, to be able to express myself correctly (honest), but it's worth it. We have to learn to use words instead of body language (starving). I was very honest and said things not many people would have if they want to be polite to my mum yesterday, but afterwards we got closer, so it was worth it. Some people must hear awful things because they are pretty awful and not aware of it (self absorbed as they are). It doesn't mean I am mean for telling them and giving them a chance to understand me and how I perceive them.

Some people, like most of us, I reckon, are very aware of how we act towards others, and criticise ourselves more than we need to probably, but some are the opposite and hardly ever criticise themselves, just others, so they need to hear it from others or they will continue hurting people. I have felt mean sometimes for telling, but that is what tough love can be, and I shouldn't take it personally and think I'm mean. When people are so careless that others have to take their responsibility to act caring towards others, they can blame themselves if somebody confronts them about it

The teenagers body and the tragedy of unnecessary lack of knowledge.

When I was a teenager noone told me at school or at home what I have read here about the needed weight gain that happens because the body is developing into an adult body. The teenagers should be warned againt dieting in this phase. (I was encouraged to diet by a nurse, and I wasn't even overweight!) If the teenagers knew that the body develops untill they are 25 and that they shouldn't mess with the body and be judgemental about the look of it before they saw the end result in their twenties (and hopefully don't be judgemental about it then either, of course). If they knew the body would look less swollen later if they just waited to see, many wouldn't have started dieting, I think. It could prevent it, at least for some. Why on earth are they not told this and encouraged to trust their bodies? I think it is sad and upsetting.
At least the school nurse could have the task to speak about it for the entire school every year. About the body changes, the importance of respecting their own and others boundaries for intimacy and privacy, warn against commenting and criticising, learn about communication, solving conflicts, expressing emotions and so on. Mental health, is that a taboo subject or are people so materialistic that they don't think it matters (because it isn't matter)?

Great article!

First I have added some excerpt from it:

(About the teenage years:) With all of the attention, we don’t have much time (or the privacy) to connect to our own sexuality because we are now sex objects, and our focus shifts from our own desires, to our desirability.

“She buys into the myth that her sexuality comes from being ‘beautiful’ rather than understanding that her beauty comes from her sexuality.”

When people say they want to lose weight, they often mean I want to be respected. I want to be loved. I want to be seen. I want liberation from fear and self-loathing. Weight-loss culture will never give us those things because it is founded on fear/hate-based systems like sexism, racism, classism and ableism.

We don’t know — as a culture, as a gender, as individuals, you and I. The fact that we don’t know is feminism’s one true failure. We claimed the agency, we granted ourselves the authority, we gathered the accolades, but we never stopped worrying about how our asses looked in our jeans. There are a lot of reasons for this, a whole bunch of big sexist things we can rightfully blame. But ultimately, like anything, the change is up to us.

Read the whole article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/hilary-kinavey-dana-sturtevant/the-not-so-sexy-origins-of-body-shame_b_7185210.html?fb_action_ids=707478887384&fb_action_types=og.shares

Planning for extreme hunger and more eating in general on low carb.

I wonder if it is possible to be extremely hungry and be satisfied with low carb food only, without getting too much protein. I have to think and plan how to get enough fat without "drinking oil" to get the calories needed. I guess I have to make a lot of -sauces with butter, coconut milk, cream or tahini.
-Always add avocado.
-Eat fat fish.
-The fattest cheece.
-peanuts, walnuts, hazelnuts, almonds and macademia (macademia is almost only fat).
-Make pizza bottoms with cream, cheece, (almond flour perhaps) and eggs.
-Make buns with butter, eggs, sweetener, vanilla, cottage cheese and almond flour.
-Make ice cream with cream, erytrithol and eggs.
-Eat stevia chocolate.
-Drink cocoa with whole milk or soy milk.
- Eat fat lamb meat.
-Eat nut butters.
-Chicken-turkey sausages.
-Make chocolate cake with eggs, butter, sweetener and cocoa powder only.
-Lung mash.

Første matsort jeg er redd for å spise, men vil spise: poteter.

sava

Nå har jeg googlet mye for å finne de tryggeste potetene, dvs de med lavest tørrstoffinnhold, altså kokefaste poteter med lavest GI.

 

fakse

Her er de: Nypoteter er førstevalget, folva, sava, secura, fakse, mozart, berber, ostara, hamlet, solist, amandine, galante, ariele som finnes i juni og juli. Økologisk potet: Odinia (Troll er en vanlig økopotet, men er melen). Asterix er av koketype A/B så den kan ha litt høyere tørrstoffinnhold enn de andre, men hvor i landet de har vokst har en god del å si. På østlandet har den høyere tørrstoffinnhold enn lenger nord, men det er også forskjell fra år til år.

 

berber

 

asterix

solist

arielle

Are you afraid you have gone from anorexia / bulimia to a binge eating disorder?

I just had to copy this very interesting - and hard to find anywhere else- information about binge eating from youreatopia.com. Link to the whole page is found at the bottom.

Bingeing in the true clinical sense only occurs for the tiny group suffering what appear to be rare circadian rhythm and endocrine disorders that result in binge eating disorder or night eating syndrome.
Critically, those with BED are not able to apply any restrictive responses to their overeating. The condition appears in pre-pubescent childhood and usually involves being classified as ‘obese’ by age 11.
I’m going to repeat that:
Binge eating as a clinical disorder involves an inability to apply any restriction.
That means, if you are on the restriction eating disorder spectrum, you are unable to develop BED. Your bingeing experience is an expression of required energy needs in reaction to restrictive eating behaviors. It is why I call this behavior reactive eating and not bingeing.

Will I Become A Binge-Eater?

Does someone who recovers from the restrictive eating disorder, no matter the restrictive facets they experience, develop a binge eating disorder?
The answer is “no”. However, it is important to note that the process of recovery from an energy deficient state most certainly involves a period of extreme hunger and eating. It is a transient condition that disappears once energy balance is restored.
Here are the likely reasons why those who reach a complete remission from a restrictive eating disorder do not develop binge eating disorder:

1. The candidate genes associated with inflammatory obesity, cholesterol, insulin and glucose levels are unrelated to the genes identified thus far for restrictive eating disorders [R Stöger, 2012; AW Drong et al., 2012; CJ Nolan et al., 2011; A. Hinney et al., 1999 and 2000].
2. Patients fully recovered from the restrictive eating disorder rarely reach final restored weights above BMI 25. 2% of the recovered population does go above BMI 25, however ALL return to weights at or below BMI 25 after one full year beyond recovery (with no relapse of restriction involved) [CM Bulik et al., 2006].
3. Leptin resistance is not a factor in either the activation or resolution of a restrictive eating disorder. Yet, leptin resistance is often present in patients with inflammatory obesity. [P. Dandona et al., 2004; JF Caro et al., 1996; S Herpertz et al., 1998 and 2000]

Restriction is the enemy. Be vigilant against restriction and put your trust in your body’s ability to find it’s optimal weight set point if you just give it the energy it is demanding (no matter your current weight).
No one keeps gaining and gaining. We each have an optimal weight set point [RE Keesey et al., 1997; RE Keesey, 1988]. On average 70% of adult females reside between BMI 21-27 [Statistics Canada, 1978] but our heights and weights exist on a bell curve and you are only going to be healthy at your particular optimal weight set point.

Non-ED men and women ‘overeat’ regularly and it is not bingeing in any clinical sense nor does it impact optimal weight stability.
Between the ages of 10-16 it is common for the body to store extra energy in anticipation of physical growth requirements. It is difficult for anyone in our obese-fearing and weight-obsessed culture to not react to these phases of extra weight with immediate restriction. Sadly, for those with the restrictive eating disorder genotype, it is usually this very circumstance that catapults them into years of cycling through restrictions and quasi-recoveries.
Between the ages of 16-25, the body will occasionally store extra energy, but usually it is using the extra energy coming in (through natural overeating sessions) as it happens. However, if a restrictive eating disorder patient hijacked his or her normal development as a child with self-administered starvation and/or excessive exercise, then the recovery process may mimic the energy storage/growth spurt that was supposed to happen but was stalled by the onset of the eating disorder. Give it time and it works itself out.

The answer to getting out of this quasi-recovered state and reaching full recovery is to eat to the recovery guideline amounts (and more) every single day. Responding to any extreme hunger is as critical now as it is all throughout the recovery process.
Despite restrictive eating disorder-based fears that there is no way to eat this much and not become obese when you are already ‘weight restored’, no clinical evidence supports those fears.

Your metabolism will ensure that your body adjusts to its optimal weight set point and the excess energy is necessarily needed to complete the lingering repair and to finally push the metabolism back to its optimal functioning rate. And no, your metabolism is not broken and your brain responds accurately to leptin levels.

As for whether the temporary overshoot is necessary, there is some evidence that it may indeed have value in ensuring the return of an optimal fat-mass to fat-free-mass ratio. In fact, Abdul Dulloo and colleagues re-examined the Minnesota trial data and discovered that the depletion of fat-free mass and fat mass (occurring during starvation) separately trigger hyperphagia (excessive eating) in post-starvation subjects and that the hyperphagia will persist until both fat and fat-free mass are restored [A Dulloo et al., 1997].
We also know from numerous other studies that anorexics often maintain a higher proportion of fat mass post-re-feeding [CI Orphanidou et al., 1997; M Probst et al., 2001; C Mantzoros et al., 1997] and this is likely due to the prevailing attitudes that hyperphagia must be avoided during recovery at all costs as it is considered a marker of “bingeing”. Instead, what these post-recovery data may show is that the prohibition of hyperphagia in recovery from restrictive eating disorders serves to halt the body’s ability to return to an optimal fat mass to fat-free mass ratio.

http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2012/10/31/bingeing-is-not-bingeing.html

also take a look at http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2011/11/3/binge-eating-disorder-and-night-eating-syndrome.html

The reason I'm still having an ED.

A reply to someone who cares at myproana: I think my mum shuts up about her weight when she is scared of my weight too, but as soon as I say I will try to recover she is not worried anymore and happy to talk about her weight again. Then she wants my support and tips for losing weight, changing habits etc. I can talk to her about things that I don't like that she does, but lately I have been fed up, because I wish she for once in her life took initiative to ask how I was doing, how recovery was going etc. and not pretend she cares when I talk about something that isn't about her. I can hear and see she becomes restless when I talk about me. I have waited for her to ask about me lately, not said anything myself, and it will be interesting to see how long it will last before she asks me, or if her focus on her self will continue for ever.

I have said many things to her, like : you have to stop criticising me, stop calling me this and that and so on, but to tell her that it would have been nice if she took the initiative to hear about my life and not always have the focus on her self and her life I haven't, and I don't know if I will. Perhaps later. But if she doesn't care she doesn't care if I ask her to either, so what is the point? When she calls me and I don't say anything about my life she hangs up when she is done talking about her life. But this is not so uncommon is it? I have met many girls that are like this. I try to make friends and they just care about them selves.  I care about them for some months, and then I give up beliving we can ever be friends.

My eating disorder started when I really needed support after some sexual abuse had happened to me, and realized none of the grown ups I knew cared about others than them selves and that there is no support for me anywhere. It was then everything inside me crushed and I had to build up something new to take care of my self. This became an ED for support. I tried to talk to my mum about what had happened, but she didn't say much or ask me anything. She responded as if I talked about the wheather. Later, when I brought it up again, that I had wished she would have cared at that time, she said she didn't realize that it was serious.

I understand that this issue, that noone cares, is the reason I have still not recovered from my ED. To go to therapy to talk just isn't enough because a therapist is suppose to not get personally involved and really care. They can offer their thoughts and understanding, but not what I really need. I will not pay someone or make someone listen and pretend they care about me.

I know I shouldn't expect my mum to be able to listen to problems or be able to support because she handles trauma by hiding it in her subconciousness. She don't know how to deal with her own emotional difficulties either, so how can she help others?

I know I shouldn't expect my mum to be able to listen to problems or be able to support because she handles trauma by hiding it in her subconciousness. She don't know how to deal with her own emotional difficulties either, so how can she help others? I assume this issue is something many with ED has, and that "all you need is love" is true.

Control

It's easier to control the intake of food than to control my temper and feelings like embarrassment, jealousy and feeling hurt. Before, I did not trust my ability to have control over my emotions in public and haven't accepted them either, so to starve the power in them away has made it easier. I have increased the accept for both my temper and emotions as I have grown and I feel I have more control because of that. Like I can feel jealousy, but I can understand it and then stop feeling it, because it's not useful for much else than to be recognized and understood. Sometimes I can't help but cry or lose my temper, but I am not ashamed of that anymore. I'm not proud of it either, of course, but I accept that it happens, because I can't control it.

Now the worst is when someone wants to control me or my life. To feel powerless. That is the worst. Then I want to do something, but if there is nothing I can do to change it, then it is a comfort to control my body at least.

Interesting article about metabolism in recovery.

http://www.scienceofeds.org/2014/05/07/hypermetabolism-in-anorexia-nervosa/

Am I a fighter or am I only hungry?

What I fear is that i will find another area for the underlying anxiety to start control when I let my body free from my intrusion. It's like I have a drive to fix and destruct and it goes together with perfectionism. It's hard to just accept everything. It's like I need to fight. I don't know where it comes from. How deep it goes. I have trust issues, but it feels like the cause is deeper than that. But who knows? Maybe I will be satisfied and don't have the need to fight if I am fed enough and healed? Ha ha. That would be great!

People have self-administered starving behaviours throughout history.

That people have self-administered starving behaviours throughout history and in all cultures is not disputed. What is disputed is the idea that socio-cultural memetics might actually change the expression of an underlying biological condition, rather than herald unrelated and distinct conditions (i.e. fasting saints have nothing in common with today's anorexic seeking to be super thin).
Many of those Chinese anorexics of the 1980s began self-administering starvation by saying that they wanted to help the family save money. Is that the reason they were compelled to starve? No. But was it a comprehensible meme for themselves and their loved ones in which they could frame that horrible anxious feeling that they simply must not eat? Yes.

The anxiety or compulsion to restrict doesn't go. We know that the neural underpinnings remain even in remission (which is why there is really no such thing as "recovery" in a cure sense). The neurotransmitters that misfire within the amygdala continue to do their thing after you restore your weight, but they are quieter. And that means you don't feel the same intensity of anxiety as you do when you are in a flare of the condition, but it can still be there in the background.

The adapted-to-flee famine hypothesis (AFFH) proposed that individuals who were able to ignore their hunger and energetically move, the ancestors of today’s anorexia patient, could have scouted ahead for better lands for the tribe (7). For them, self-deception about body image, fat stores, and about how depleted their bodies really were, could have provided the optimism to travel. Personality traits of conscientiousness and self-control could also have kept someone going even on desperate journeys with little hope of success.

http://youreatopia.squarespace.com/relapse/post/1757955 

Is full remission possible?

The anxiety or compulsion to restrict doesn't go. We know that the neural underpinnings remain even in remission (which is why there is really no such thing as "recovery" in a cure sense). The neurotransmitters that misfire within the amygdala continue to do their thing after you restore your weight, but they are quieter. And that means you don't feel the same intensity of anxiety as you do when you are in a flare of the condition, but it can still be there in the background.

CBT(cognitive...) is a pretty solid treatment for restrictive eating -- it's short-circuiting the avoidance with non-avoidant behaviours and this can alleviate the fear response over time as well. Source:http://youreatopia.squarespace.com/relapse/post/1757955

http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2013/4/13/relapse-an-inevitability.html 

Extreme hunger in recovery is not binge eating disorder.

It's really important that the extreme hunger is recognized as a result of starving and accept it, and not interpret it as a if you have switched to a binge eating disorder, because if you think you have got a binge eating disorder you may start restricting, purging or strain yourself in exercise and then what may happen is that you overshoot your set point weight way more than you would if you didn't. I just read about a girl this happened to, and I have experienced it myself as well. It happened because we hadn't heard about the things written at youreatopia. We didn't know what to expect in recovery and misunderstood. When we think about those who end up as obese after recovering from anorexia or bulimia, this is probably what happened to them. To solve this and get to the set point weight they must eat the minimum calories (meaning enough) and eat more if they are hungry and not restrict at all so the body has the energy to do the last part of the healing process. Then they will stop eating more than minimum when the body has got what it needs to do it and the weight will fall to set point by it self without restricting at all.

http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2012/5/22/extreme-hunger-what-is-it.html
http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2013/4/9/extreme-hunger-profoundly-disturbing.html 

What to say to a therapist before choosing one.

Gwyneth on youreatopia.com has a suggestion here if you like the guidelines she is offering. You can show the therapist the following:
"So here are my goals for therapy: I need someone to impart techniques and approaches to address anxiety around body image, shape, weight gain and food avoidance. My understanding, as far as I can figure it so far, is that CBT, ERP and/or DBT techniques might be most suitable for me, but of course I am open to further professional refinement or redirection as is needed. I want to make it clear that I need a therapist willing to maintain a concrete professional space and by that I mean that any advice on diet or exercise will not be suitable. I receive professional support in these areas from my doctor and the research I have undertaken on my own steam as well. I am not supportive of dominant and unscientific attitudes of fattism or healthism and I need for the therapist I choose to either share that attitude or at least determine that she is comfortable keeping those attitudes outside of our sessions altogether. Do you think this framework is something that you might be comfortable with?"

Funny

http://www.foodpolitics.com/2011/08/where-did-the-2000-calorie-diet-idea-come-from/

Bloating

I don't know if you by bloating think about edema or a stomach that looks like the first stages of pregnancy. The two sometimes comes together, but edema doesn't come every time the stomach stands out.

I get gas from certain foods and avoid them to not have the hurting stomach. If I eat not just a tiny portion of the following my stomach will hurt and stand out:  iceberg salad, nuts, mushroom, sugarfree pastilles/candy, sugarfree chocolate, cabbage, cauliflower, broccoli, brussels sprouts, onion, green beans and snow beans. I don't handle too much sugar at a time either, so if I eat a lot of fruit my stomach will hurt. Raspberries is ok because it is low in carbs.

If not the type of food is the cause it can be the amount. If the amount is bigger than usual it's normal to get gas. Then you can try to eat more calorie dense food, meaning fats and not so much carbs.The body may also lack some of what is needed to digest the food properly. This will be better with time the more nutrients you give it.

I have a theory that the edema won't come (or be as bad) if you increase calories slowly and make sure you get a lot of rest and sleep. I can't tell if it works quiet yet because I have not increased a whole lot yet, but I have no edema now. I eat about what my body needs (but not the extra amount for healing purposes quiet yet). When I increase the calories so it is enough for healing and weight gain as well then the edema will set in, I suppose. But if I eat just a little more at a time intended for healing I think the edema will be little too. And most importantly the fact I give the body time and rest enough to heal too. It's not just food that is needed.

I have read a lot in recovery forums and what people are experiencing is that edema is worst for those who ave been very active while they were restricting, and that eating more, not less, as well as relaxing more will help to reduce it. Crying it out has also been helpful, perhaps because crying as well as laughter decrease cortisol levels, because stress is reduced perhaps?

Lower estrogen levels result in lower levels of bile that keeps the intestines lubricated. Without bile the stool gets dryand hard and accumulate in the intestines.

Five main causes of constipation are:

• Eating sporadically, or eating meals that are too small to elicit mass peristalsis.
  
• Not going when you feel an urge to go.
  
• Lack of a healthy intestinal lining that is capable of producing enough mucous to properly lubricate your stools (vitamin A deficiency is a potential cause of this situation).
  
• Insufficient intake of water, water-rich foods, and/or fiber-rich foods.
  
• Stress.
  

For some the problem is too little peristaltic waves, so the stool is too long in the intestines and too much water is absorbed from the stool back to the body, making the stool dry and harder to move. Enough intake of fat is necessary for the peristaltic movement.

I rather use a lot of time gaining/healing than doing it quick and risk a relapse. I have lost weight slowly, and I will gain slowly, to make sure it happens in a steady pace and that I reach my goal, and have it under control. I am not very underweight or in a busy hospital so I can use time.

My plan for the upcoming weeks.

Well. I do not have the guts to go for full recovery, eating without restricting and aim for reaching my set point weight, but I'm going to do something. So, I have this plan to at least feel a bit better and be a bit healthier.

This week: 1470 calories, No exercise, no weight gain.
Week 20: 1520 calories, daily walk: 25 min.
Week 21: 1570 calories, daily walk: 30 min.+ yoga 1 pr week.
Week 22: 1610 calories, daily walk: 30 min.+ yoga 2 pr week or 1 yoga + 25 extra min. walk 1 weekly.
Week 23: 1630 calories, daily walk: 30 min.+ yoga 2 pr week or 1 yoga + 25 extra min. walk 1 weekly.
Week 24: Same as above.
Week 25: Same as above.
Week 26: 1670 calories, daily walk: 30 min.+yoga 2 pr week + 25 extra min. walk 2 weekly.

if I stay on 1630, gaining weight, it's ok. I can weigh 53. I can live with that as long as I don't get edema and have energy for some movement. By increasing slowly I hope to prevent edema. Edema means healing, so I don't let my body heal with this method, so I
don't recommend it to anyone who has been starving, but I'm not tough enough to gain a bunch of weight because my set point is so high and I am not ready for a body that big on this stage in my life. I think I would feel more misery in a big body than with the little energy and the head aches that I have got know. I can always change my mind later.

If I don't gain weight after 2 weeks on 1630 I can go up to 1670 calories a day and see what happens. I can't imagine not gaining, but stranger things has happened. I'm not sure if I will have extra energy for the walks and yoga I want I to do, though. If I don't I will perhaps gain. I will have to see how the plan is working and adjust somehow i don't know yet.

Free ED supporting groups on internet.

Sounds good if you can't afford anything else, don't get therapy or want to stay at home.http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/support-groups/online

Accountability

I posted my last post on youreatopia as well. To my surprise I got a response I didn't expect from the owner, but that I rather needed:

Just going to chime in to point out that your post could backfire on you. I am assuming that you had hoped that writing these things down would perhaps heighten your commitment to actually start recovery "I will eat this when..."
Unfortunately, the way our cognitive processes work, we can actually lower our ability to follow through on a commitment to ourselves when we communicate it to others.
We're taught that if we want to achieve something, we tell others of our intention to do so and it will improve our chances of following through. This has turned out not to work and that goes double for an online setting like this.
What happens in this scenario is that the act of writing down the list of foods you hope to eat in future when you are ready actually reinforces the very avoidance that you are currently practicing in response to feeling anxious and panicked when you try to eat these kinds of foods.
The reason that so many with active eating disorders end up watching the food network, spending hours reviewing over recipes and oftentimes deciding to become dieticians, nutritionists, bakers and chefs is that these behaviours reinforce delay tactics around consumption of food.
Accountability is an important facet of approaching something that terrifies you, but accountability doesn't exist within an online setting, nor when you tell friends or family of your intention to begin refeeding "tomorrow" (or some day in the future). To generate accountability that actually influences behaviour, you have to involve someone who can hold you accountable -- and that needs to be a trained therapist or counsellor when it comes to beginning recovery from an eating disorder. And you have to be ready to be accountable as well.

When people often say "therapy didn't really work for me" what they're actually saying is "I didn't really work for the therapy" -- I'm not talking about when you have a therapist you don't like working with obviously, I am pointing out that if you're not ready to be accountable, then you won't be.
It's also telling that you define a long list of foods as being relevant to consume for "weight gain", when they're just foods that energize you. Weight get restored until it no longer needs to be restored and the goal of eating unrestrictedly is not the weight gain -- that's handled for you by the body. The goal of eating unrestrictedly is to eat unrestrictedly because that's the only way you can return to (and stay in) an energy balanced state.
There's no right time to step into re-feeding because you have a threat response system that has misidentified food as a threat. It will generate panic, but the fear is not real. If you're ambivalent about beginning recovery, then work with a therapist who offers motivational interviewing. G.
May 11, 2016 |

My answer: That made me think, G. Thank you. It was what I needed to hear. That is exactly what I need. I was hoping my mum would be my support and was motivated to go into full recovery based on that, but then I understood she didn't want to be that, wasn't interested about hearing about recovery, so my motivation sank and I felt I had to wait. After that I have wondered if maybe another girl will do it together with me so we can support each other, but I'm afraid it isn't the best idea, because I don't think we will feel committed enough, then, and we will not be enough support to each other. And a random therapist I am afraid will take too much control instead of being supportive. I need one who really knows what he or she is doing and are understanding. I can try to find one, though. I'm sorry I am talking about another subject here, but I'm thankful for the advice and to the warning about what I had forgot; Telling before doing and owning it.

Another girls replies: There is nothing to be gained from waiting for recovery. We do it for ourselves and for nobody else. We do only the best we can. And yes, it's hard to find support in this ED-driven world -- that's why we have each other and this forum.

My thoughts: If I am going to do it alone I would be reading in this forum all day long to not fall into ED's snare. I get motivated and reasonable reading in here, but if I don't feel I have very little energy and bad head ache and have been hours away from this positive forum I am back in ED's arms very quickly.                          

I want to go into full recovery because that is the most reasonable thing to do and because I don't have energy + other things, but I fear it as well. I don't know if my motivation is strong enough as long as I need to be reminded that it is the best to do all the time. Perhaps my thoughts change to the better when my habit of restriction changes, so I don't need to spend hours reading in here to get motivated enough to not go back to feeling unsure about full recovery?

I got a letter from the girl with the short comment and I answered this:
It's assuring to know you do it without someone to stand accountable to, as Gwyneth said was so important do. I totally agree that I have to want this myself and not be dependant. I want to know I will not relapse when I decide to go into full recovery. I've tried it twice before and I want to to succeed the third time. I think when people around you, like your friends, are happy you are recovering health it helps, "just" that. And when it comes to the need of talking about the recovery we can use the forum or writing in a blog if there is noone around.

I actually followed the MM guidelines the first time I tried recovery, many years ago. I had never heard about these guidelines then. I thought I had got another eating disorder because I had EH for a long time. It was when I was going to eat normal again I slipped. Eating too little and too healthy and restricting more and more. 

On another forum I asked:
I have heard I need someone to hold me accountable if I'm going to be able to go into full recovery and stay there till my body is recovered. I thought my mum wanted to be that support, but I found out she didn't, so my motivation sank. Has anyone heard of someone managing to recover by being two in recovery motivating each other, or doesn't that work? What worked for you? I assume it doesn't matter who and what kind of therapeut the supporting person is. It's the personal qualities that matters the most. Like taking others seriously, for example. Very important for me.

It's hard to find a therapist that can be trusted because not many are influenced by thoughts that are not healthy. Like: I need someone who trust the body, that it has a set point weight, that EH doesn't last longer than the body needs it to and that is not afraid of overweight.

Just thoughts: I wish I could afford a healer or alternative therapeut. Well, if I go less often it cost the same a month as other therapeuts and doctors.
It would be good to have more support in the beginning, though. I actually know a healer who I can talk to half the time of the session and who gives healing the second half. Massage once in a while would also be great. I think I need more support than that, and more motivation. I am backing off from the image of a bigger me that I fear will be the result of recovery. I do think it's less scary when the image has turns into my actual body. I will defend it then. I will own it then. I think. Aggressively and a little fearfull, yes, probably, but still defending it.

I found out later today where my aggression came from. It was some old anger towards one who abused me right before i got anorexia. So it's gone for now.

To accept your body the way it is, the way it is in recovery and the way it wants to be.

Accepting that you don’t get to choose what your body looks like at the end of the recovery process. (At times it might feel less like acceptance and more like admitting defeat.)

Are you missing out on all the things you could become because you are coveting your anorexic body? So attached to a dying body that you can’t let yourself really live in this new, healthy body? There is nothing good in this desire.

Avoid full length mirrors and long showers to avoid body checking.

Avoid buying clothes as much as possible. use loose clothes and buy clothes after recovery. Don't get hung up on sizes.

Remember that you will not gain forever. The weight gain will happen in a fast speed perhaps, but that will not continue for long. It will slow down. You will not have extreme hunger and edema forever. This will stop as soon as the body is fulfilled.

The weight will on many accumulate in the stomach area, and first as water. The weight will even out later.  The body composition will also adjust to what it is suppose to be. All will come into place eventually. Just keep on nourishing the body. It knows what it's doing. You just got to trust it.

The people who have a natural body, eats what the fuck they want and the amount they want are the toughest. Not those who are too scared of not pleasing the crowd and restrict their bodys needs.

I am going to eat this in recovery

Waffles, pancakes, buns with cheese and butter, french chocolate cake with only butter, eggs, chocolate and sweetener, beef, fish and chicken indian style and just in the oven with cream, included reindeer, pizza, ice cream of eggs and cream, mashed potatoes, all of it home made. + chocolate and salted nuts. Looking forward to it:)

64% of the models have been asked to lose weight by their model agency.

Many girls and women look up to models.  But look at this:
Here are some statistics from the Model Alliance that may help us all to update our outdated sense of the ‘elite’ world of modeling:

• 69% have anxiety and/or depression.
• 55% begin their careers between the ages of 13-16.
• 52% of the time, parents and guardians do not accompany their children to castings and jobs.
• 64% have been asked to lose weight by their agency.
• 77% have been exposed to alcohol and drugs on the job.
• 51% exposed to cocaine on the job.
• 49% apply extreme restrictive behaviors over short periods to lose weight.
• 30% have active eating disorders.
• 30% lack any health insurance coverage.
• 87% asked to change nude at a job or casting without advance notice.
• 28% pressured to have sex with someone at work.
• 30% experience inappropriate touching.
• 30% felt they could tell their agency of the harassment and even then,
• 66% of agents didn’t see any problem with the situation/event in question
•  
• Found here:http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2015/12/23/demanding-doctors-notes-wont-work-models-in-france 
•  

I've decided. I'm going to do it!

My motivation is bigger today and I've written a letter to the one I need support from the most about what I'm going to do. He is the most critical I know, a person who just like thin girls/women and likes my body the skinnier the better. I need hin to not be ashamed or repulsed by my soon big body. I will do it if he can't support me too. I am the one who must embrace the bigger body. I honestly think I can do it now. I'm happy and my body is more than ready to get on with it. It just want to eat, rest and sleep a lot. Suits me fine. I'm on it's side now. I will put my wishes aside for a year or two so we can be friends from now till the end. I'm up to at least 1470 calories a day this week. My weight today: 47,6 kilos. The swelling has not begun yet. It will come when I up my calories to 2000 or so, perhaps. I'm so exited. I'm so glad I prefer bigger over skinny now. Helps tremendously. I could never imagine I would change my taste about that before. Lucky me! It is certainly true that you can manage what ever you put all in to achieve.

Embodiment.

I embodied the evil
I couldn't win over on my side
and fought with my body
as if it was against me somehow

but fact is it loves me, lives for me
this servant of mine
and i will stop fighting it,
I will just love it from now.

Pictures I found to be helpful.

I

Legg til bildetekst

http://blog.asiantown.net/-/42026/girl-makes-amazing-recovery-to-anorexia-after-doctors-told-that-she-only-had-a-few-days-left-to-live-pics

I have no idea what my body will look like after a full recovery to set point weight. I find it helpful to try to like every type of bodies. Every body has its charm. (None of theese pictures are of me.)

New attitude on body image.

I felt a bit stupid for being skinny when I saw a tall, big girl with confidence today. I thought she looked tougher and cooler than me. I think my skinny appearance just looks weak now and I am a little embarrassed, actually. This may sound like a struggle more than a success, but it is not, it's telling me I am getting ready for weight gain.

I can't deny the fact that my head aches and fatigue will continue forever if I don't gain weight. I have removed my foot from the breaks and have upped my calories a bit this week.

I'm still a bit scared of eating more and gain. Hope I am more ready for a thorough recovery tomorrow. I'm preparing for it! I need to make sure I can feel confident in a bigger body by my self, with others and with the image with maching clothes. I'm not sure yet if I want to change my style or not.

I get irritated by reading that someone think she is too heavy for treatment and that the girls in the treatment center will think  she has a body they are afraid of having a similar to. It's not true. It's negative and unrealistic. If she didn't need treatment she wouldn't get a place in the treatment center, would she? I once spoke to a girl who was very, very skinny. She was having an ED. She told me she would rather look like me. I was huge then. The biggest I had ever been. My weight was at a peak after recovering my weight and overshot my set point weight a lot. And I am now almost as skinny as she was and envy big girls. They are tougher than weak little me. They are bold enough to accept their body. The reality. I am just in a stupid war I will never win, and I am stupid enough to continue.

Edema and pain when gaining weight.

The following is found on Youreatopia.com:

You can't really avoid edema in recovery because it occurs not because you're re-feeding and resting, but because your body is now getting enough energy to deal with the damage from all the relapses and slips.
The primary reason for the swelling is intracellular and intercellular water retention to bring nutrients to damaged areas throughout the body to build new cells and to bring phagocytes to those areas as well to chomp up all the damaged old cells and send their carcasses out through the kidneys and urine.
The pain you feel is designed to be there to force you to rest because the body is needing to use the energy to deal with building new cells and getting rid of damaged ones.

In my own empirical evidence (not evidence-based medicine), those who are challenged with the most severe level of edema in recovery tend to be those who have suffered from extreme exercise as a way of expressing food avoidance. This will likely be because the damage to the structures of the body when you exercise and don't provide adequate energy means the body needs to provide more nutrients and clear out more damaged cells than not. That's what the edema is primarily about: whisking away the damage and providing energy for anabolism (creation of new tissue and cells).
Gwyneth on youreatopia

http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2012/5/22/edema-the-bane-and-blessing-of-the-recovery-process.html
The water retention is there for a few reasons:
1) To bring nutrients into damaged areas for cell building and to bring in phagocytes that chomp up damaged cells and send the waste material through the kidneys and out of your body as urine.
2) To encourage enough inflammation and accompanying pain to force you to rest -- thereby allowing the body to avoid further damage while it's doing the rebuilding.
Now, if the swelling is worsening, then it needs some investigation. The general rule in recovery is if it's bad/stable and or slooowwwwly trending to be better, then it can be left alone.
When things are noticeably worsening, then the first thing to look at is what might have changed in your behaviors recently that could be the cause(s). Have you had a few days of unavoidable activity? Did you overdo it one day with "just running a few errands" or "doing a bit of cleaning"? Are you thinking quite a bit about food throughout the day and not responding to those thoughts by eating immediately -- maybe you've been eating more in the recent past but a few days of additional stress at home or at work and you've slid just a bit?
Gwyneth

It is very common for a severe level of edema to show up in the body when the person has suffered from anorexia athletica. You don't want to be taking any diuretics or trying to rid yourself of the edema (much as you probably really want to) because it is there as part of the healing process.
Gwyneth

Someone suggests eating enough protein and using compression socks can help.

http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2013/5/25/why-is-there-so-much-pain.html

Some of you may notice you start getting colds, whereas in the worst of your restriction you did not. In addition to some of the analgesia that is occurring due to an inability to perceive pain (because the CNS is too starved to interpret signals fully), there is both analgesia and an on-steroids (literally) immune system associated with extreme stress as well.
Restrictive behaviors are extremely stressful to the body. Cortisol (steroid) is surging through your body and this fires up your immune system beyond its usual level (for a while). Eventually the long-term impacts of higher-than-normal levels of cortisol will move patients in one direction or another: autoimmune illness (body attacking its own cells as though they were foreign), or immunosuppression (getting very sick all the time).
When you stop restricting, the entire stress system is told to stand down. So now you’re feeling the pain and you may have a wicked cold along with it as well.


Plenty of people on the forums asking about why they are now having cold after cold and flus in recovery when they were just fine when they were starving. Their systems are predisposed to immunosuppression in the presence of high levels of cortisol.
Those with autoimmune predisposition are the ones with all the edema, pain, swelling and inflammation.
Both states will demand of the fat organ that is work harder and usually enlarge to handle the demands. And both states ease with continued rest, re-feeding and mind retraining too of course.
Gwyneth at youreatopia