No longer proud.

To be skinny was my protection. It was my focus point when I was self aware, my "self". I felt safe because my identity was the skinnyness noone would criticize. Now that identity is gone. I feel vulnerable going out facing people. Should I be proud of something else now, then? No. I have always hated pride. I will focus on goodness. Not a mask for the world theatre, but the true self behind the fear of having nothing to be proud about.

No more ED identity

I don't freak out when I see I've gained fat even though that was my biggest fear most of my life. How did that change?

Before I starved myself I was very disappointed that people couldn't see me, but only my body. I wanted them to know I am not my body, look deeper, please! But I didn't say that. I communicated that by starving my body. When the body that supposedly was me became smaller how could that be me? The body can not starve it self willingly, can it? There must be some will apart from the body that is in control. And that is me, you guys, not the body. My parents was extremely materialistic. They only cared about what could be seen and their own appearance. Human qualities like love, tolerance, authenticity, kindness, generosity, fairness, wisdom and care was never mentioned.

I've thought back on how it felt being me before I starved myself. I remember I focused on how I felt and what I thought about things that happened. If I felt good everything was good. When I had anorexia I forced myself to think as long as I am skinny everything is good, even when my life had fallen apart. Appearance dictated my wellbeing. I became like the ones I thought was crazy when they didn't see me beyond my body! When I understood that, I did't want to continue obsessing about looks, but identify myself with my inner qualities that I in my teens so desperately needed people to help me develop and focus on.

ED is the worst identity one can have. It is cruel, judgemental, critical, mean, destructive, in a bad mood with no humour and has a tunnell vision. It isn't a loss I will miss at all. It only made me miserable.

If you are a member of youreatopia there are thoughts on the topic here: http://youreatopia.squarespace.com/ask/post/2137298

I see it as a coping mecanism, like some go to alcohol for relief, I starve myself. And it is normal to identify with what we do. Like what job we have. But a person is not just their work. They might even hate their job. If we want to get to know a person instead of asking them what they do for a living we could ask them what they love, what their passion is, what they are occupied with in their mind, what they value, because only some are able to combine work and passion. To find a person, remember their home is where their heart is. In active anorexia our heart is a fearful one and it may be so bad we feel homeless, so to get healthy we need to find our passion. Many help others out of the ED misery. That can be a start of a more meaningful life and a feeling of worth. All the personal experience and knowledge are valuable. Getting out of the spiders web also give valuable insight to who we are. 

I'm finished preparing and are taking the jump tomorrow.

My goal now is body healing and reaching it's set point weight. That means I'm ditching the other plan I had.  Tomorrow I jump up 180 calories to 1700 calories from 1520 this week. After three or so days I'll jump further to 1900 calories, after another 3 days if I'm hungry for more I'll jump to 2100 and after another three days I'll jump to 2300. I'm thinking I may need more time than three days to be hungry for more, but the opposite can happen as well, and my body may be ready to jump after only two days. I will find the best solution for my body, and will not force it to eat like I forced it to starve.

One motivating factor is reading recipes and thinking I can allow myself to eat all that. That gives me joy and a feeling of freedom. I have solved my clothing problem so that is no longer holding me back from jumping to reach my goal, or my body's goal, more precisely. See, I refuse to dress womanly and with curves I see that as a threat to my body image. I like teen boys wear and mens wear. I started dressing with ties and mens jackets when I was 16, and I have never liked much of womens wear. I do like some, though, but it can easily be combined with mens wear.

Only thing I'm not sure about yet is if I am going to follow a meal plan or let my self give in to extreme hunger if that arrives. I have been wondering what the result of giving in to EH compared to not giving into it will be. I haven't found so much info about it. Just that some who doesn't give into it may think they are recovered before they really are. I don't want that of course. I want full recovery and stay there. I am not afraid of EH, because I have experienced it many years ago, but I would prefer avoiding it because I don't think I can afford to buy a huge amount of food at the moment.

So I wonder if it is possible to get a healthy recovery without giving in to it. I would rather eat a few hundred calories more than minimum daily than eating a lot the first days of the month and end up with no money for food at the end of the month. Will I overshoot more if I don't give into it and use very much more time to get well without extreme eating? I do not want to worry about not having enough money for food either. That is stressful.

So untill more money is coming in I think eating according to a meal plan and counting calories to make sure I eat enough will be the best for me. If I get extreme hunger I don't have to count, but I will try to have some control so i don't eat what ever and extreme amounts. I have read about peoples experiences with extreme hunger today. Two said that the extreme hunger disappeared after a few weeks because the body understood it got enough food every day. I find that reasonable. I mean, it's ok and understandable that the body are telling me it is very hungry, but as long as I feed it food for healing purposes it is not restricting when I don't give into it and let my body take over completely. I don't say there is wrong eating according to the extreme hunger, but I think maybe it is okey not to do it as well as long as I give the body above minimum amounts.

I will get more money when a guy moves into the apartment in june, july or august. This person can be a challange for me, and that's ok. This recovery will test our friendship because he likes me skinnier the better and have to watch me eat a lot and be huge. It will certainly be interesting to see if he can be supportive or not.Perhaps he wants to move out or never move in, ha ha. At first I thought I needed to be sure he could support me before I could take the jump into full recovery, but as my motivation increased I don't feel I need his approval. This is my thing, if he likes it or not. I can handle a rejection if it's based on such a superficial thing as body size. 

What to do and who are you without the disorder?

Everyone of us in recovery are having or had more or less identity problems, I guess. The last time I tried recovery I struggled with that for sure. If I was no longer the skinny one, was I then the fat one soon? That was what I feared. But that was silly, because I shouldn't identify myself with a body, but my character, values and perhaps to some degree my interests and actions. If you haven't found another interest in life to engage in yet, maybe you could engage in getting a healthier body?  Like one is slowly getting thinner as restricting, one slowly feels stronger in recovery. And think about what you earlier may have thought you want to do, but have thought you couldn't because you didn't have the power to do it. Now in the future you will be able to. Focus on that. Dream big. Read recovery blogs with girls living happily the way they want to. Perhaps they will inspire you.