Today

I talked to a very intelligent man right now. Not even him understood that for the body to come in balance it needs more food to compensate for all it didn't get. I don't understand why that is so hard to understand for people. It irritates me because then they might think I "get too fat" and "have got a binge eating disorder". Hopefully they admit they don't understand and lay low because of that.
Success and struggle: My hunger and appetite are still increasing. I almost reached minimum yesterday and will definetely reach it today. That took me only 6 days. That's how hungry my body is. The more I eat the more I want the next day. Wonder if that will ever stop before I have reached set point weight. That will take a while.

Overcome struggle: I have not been anxious, besides a little bit for the thought: "don't I eat too much now?" that I have to answer back: "Relax, you haven't even reached your minimums yet". Remember you need more than normal amounts."  (I think the body can feel it's fed with extra calories for healing and that I registrate that.) But yesterday when I layed my hand on my hip bones on the back before sleep I suddenly felt a bit of panick and thought "I can't live without feeling my bones!" Luckily a more reasonable thought came to assist and I understood it isn't the fat on the hips I am afraid of, luckily, but to be all soft. I have forgotten how it is to have fat on my body. Will even fat people be able to feel their hip bones on the back through the fat or not? It's exhausting to just eat and sleep. I mean it is exhausting being anxious.

I'm finished preparing and are taking the jump tomorrow.

My goal now is body healing and reaching it's set point weight. That means I'm ditching the other plan I had.  Tomorrow I jump up 180 calories to 1700 calories from 1520 this week. After three or so days I'll jump further to 1900 calories, after another 3 days if I'm hungry for more I'll jump to 2100 and after another three days I'll jump to 2300. I'm thinking I may need more time than three days to be hungry for more, but the opposite can happen as well, and my body may be ready to jump after only two days. I will find the best solution for my body, and will not force it to eat like I forced it to starve.

One motivating factor is reading recipes and thinking I can allow myself to eat all that. That gives me joy and a feeling of freedom. I have solved my clothing problem so that is no longer holding me back from jumping to reach my goal, or my body's goal, more precisely. See, I refuse to dress womanly and with curves I see that as a threat to my body image. I like teen boys wear and mens wear. I started dressing with ties and mens jackets when I was 16, and I have never liked much of womens wear. I do like some, though, but it can easily be combined with mens wear.

Only thing I'm not sure about yet is if I am going to follow a meal plan or let my self give in to extreme hunger if that arrives. I have been wondering what the result of giving in to EH compared to not giving into it will be. I haven't found so much info about it. Just that some who doesn't give into it may think they are recovered before they really are. I don't want that of course. I want full recovery and stay there. I am not afraid of EH, because I have experienced it many years ago, but I would prefer avoiding it because I don't think I can afford to buy a huge amount of food at the moment.

So I wonder if it is possible to get a healthy recovery without giving in to it. I would rather eat a few hundred calories more than minimum daily than eating a lot the first days of the month and end up with no money for food at the end of the month. Will I overshoot more if I don't give into it and use very much more time to get well without extreme eating? I do not want to worry about not having enough money for food either. That is stressful.

So untill more money is coming in I think eating according to a meal plan and counting calories to make sure I eat enough will be the best for me. If I get extreme hunger I don't have to count, but I will try to have some control so i don't eat what ever and extreme amounts. I have read about peoples experiences with extreme hunger today. Two said that the extreme hunger disappeared after a few weeks because the body understood it got enough food every day. I find that reasonable. I mean, it's ok and understandable that the body are telling me it is very hungry, but as long as I feed it food for healing purposes it is not restricting when I don't give into it and let my body take over completely. I don't say there is wrong eating according to the extreme hunger, but I think maybe it is okey not to do it as well as long as I give the body above minimum amounts.

I will get more money when a guy moves into the apartment in june, july or august. This person can be a challange for me, and that's ok. This recovery will test our friendship because he likes me skinnier the better and have to watch me eat a lot and be huge. It will certainly be interesting to see if he can be supportive or not.Perhaps he wants to move out or never move in, ha ha. At first I thought I needed to be sure he could support me before I could take the jump into full recovery, but as my motivation increased I don't feel I need his approval. This is my thing, if he likes it or not. I can handle a rejection if it's based on such a superficial thing as body size. 

Interesting article about metabolism in recovery.

http://www.scienceofeds.org/2014/05/07/hypermetabolism-in-anorexia-nervosa/

My plan for the upcoming weeks.

Well. I do not have the guts to go for full recovery, eating without restricting and aim for reaching my set point weight, but I'm going to do something. So, I have this plan to at least feel a bit better and be a bit healthier.

This week: 1470 calories, No exercise, no weight gain.
Week 20: 1520 calories, daily walk: 25 min.
Week 21: 1570 calories, daily walk: 30 min.+ yoga 1 pr week.
Week 22: 1610 calories, daily walk: 30 min.+ yoga 2 pr week or 1 yoga + 25 extra min. walk 1 weekly.
Week 23: 1630 calories, daily walk: 30 min.+ yoga 2 pr week or 1 yoga + 25 extra min. walk 1 weekly.
Week 24: Same as above.
Week 25: Same as above.
Week 26: 1670 calories, daily walk: 30 min.+yoga 2 pr week + 25 extra min. walk 2 weekly.

if I stay on 1630, gaining weight, it's ok. I can weigh 53. I can live with that as long as I don't get edema and have energy for some movement. By increasing slowly I hope to prevent edema. Edema means healing, so I don't let my body heal with this method, so I
don't recommend it to anyone who has been starving, but I'm not tough enough to gain a bunch of weight because my set point is so high and I am not ready for a body that big on this stage in my life. I think I would feel more misery in a big body than with the little energy and the head aches that I have got know. I can always change my mind later.

If I don't gain weight after 2 weeks on 1630 I can go up to 1670 calories a day and see what happens. I can't imagine not gaining, but stranger things has happened. I'm not sure if I will have extra energy for the walks and yoga I want I to do, though. If I don't I will perhaps gain. I will have to see how the plan is working and adjust somehow i don't know yet.