The body is more trustworthy than calorie calculators

Earlier I saw food as calories and calories as potensial fat. I didn't think about why the body was hungry. I never saw food from the perspective of the body. 

There is one thing left I have to give up to be fully recovered from anorexia and that is to stop calculating my calorie intake. I asked God for help to get over the fear of accidently eating too much and gain unnecessary fat. It took some days before I received the epiphany where I saw it all from the perspective of the body and understood that I can trust the body. 

The body is constantly doing a lot of work. For this it needs energy and nutrients. When it knows the fuel is running low it will send images of the food it needs for its tasks to the mind in time for the owner of the body to make the meal or go and get the food. I used to ignore these images because I was not yet physically hungry, but not long after I would be hungry so if I had started making the food right after I received the image I would not have to cook while hungry later. These mental images is what is called mental hunger. Someone who is never fueling the body enough will have these images a lot.

The body will give signals for the owner of the body when it wants it to eat food and when it register that it has got enough for the time being a signal of satiety can be felt. The body will not ask for more than it needs. It will not ask for extra fat so it can store it at your stomach area unless it is needed for protection and hormon production. It asks for food so it has energy and nutrients to work with.

Because the body knows exactly what and how much it needs the signals can be trusted. The only thing we should make sure of is to give it a variety of food and drink options. If the only food it knows about is pizza it can not send an image of anything else than pizza to the mind. If the only liquid you give it is pepsi max, it will send an image of pepsi max to the mind every time it is thirsty. This is also why good habits is important. If you normally drink water when your are thirsty you will think of water when you are thirsty. 

My advice to people who do not have an eating disorder or who have recovered physically from an eating disorder or at least have honored the body's cravings for sugar and fat as long as that was needed is to give the body a variety of whole foods so it gets as many nutrients (vitamins and minerals) as possible and as many options to choose from as possible so it can send an image of a food that will fit its needs the best each time. Then the body will work optimally and there is no reason for it to store more fat than necessary.

What you can expect in recovery from an eating disorder

People who recover from an eating disorder may soon go back to old habits unless they get knowledge about what to expect in the recovery process. Many are surprised that they get less energy instead of more when they eat more. They don't understand that the body wants to rest to be able to heal the damage the body hasn't been able to heal the time it did not get enough energy for the job. They don't even think damage has been done. In the beginning of the healing process many experience edema. Many freak out and think they rapidly gain fat, but that is not possible. Read about edema here:https://www.acute.org/blog/edema-eating-disorder-recovery-causes-prevention-and-treatment

Many also get surprised when they get extreme hunger and can eat ten thousand calories in a day, forgetting the body has been starved and need extra food. When this happens many are afraid they have just switched from anorexia to binge eating disorder and are not getting well at all, but this is a misunderstanding. A restrictive person do not become a binge eater. The extreme hunger will only last until the body has got the energy it needs to heal from starvation. Do not stop eating a lot just because you think you have reached a high enough weight. It is up to the body to decide when you have gained enough. After a period of extreme hunger the hunger will normalize and the weight gain will stop.

At this point it is important to continue eating enough food. Read the recommended amounts at the ED institute https://edinstitute.org/blog/2011/9/14/i-need-how-many-calories. Don't compare your own food intake with others, but eat when hungry till you are satisfied all day every day. Respect the bodys signals and eat. You need a lot of food. Do not trust a calculator online to tell you how many calories your body needs. The body will tell you that more precisely. 

Do not restrict even the slightest to lose weight or you may very soon go back to restricting more and more. No more restriction! No more starving! If you overshot your set point weight you will lose excess water and fat naturally if you continue eating enough and avoid purging and exercising. The body needs the food and weight gain to rebuild the muscle mass and heal the metabolism. You don't need to do strength training to rebuild the muscles, you need enough food and rest. The body gain water first, then fat, then muscle mass. So be patient.

To weigh yourself, track calories, look in the mirror and wear tight clothes can all make it harder to recover.

Cool recovery comments I have found online

I have a friend who is a dietician. In her facility, she has a device that determines your metabolic rate by analyzing your breath for 10 - 20 minutes. (You breath into a tube through your mouth with a clip on your nose.) I decided it might be interesting to do a "before and after," so I asked her if I could use the machine.
Anyway, I took a measurement the day before I started eating a minimum of 2700 calories a day. (I'm a 5'9 28-year-old female.) The result was that my resting metabolic rate was about 1350 calories, meaning that, with activities of daily living and no deliberate exercise, I would maintain my weight on about 1800 calories a day. This is obviously far less than the Minnie Maud recommendations.
But that's not the whole story. I retested myself today - I've been eating at least 2700 calories (usually more) a day for about a month. I knew there would be a difference - my body temperature has gone up three degrees and I soak my sheets with sweat at night - but I was shocked by how big it was. My resting metabolic rate was about 2100 calories, meaning that (again, with just normal daily activities), I have to eat about 2700 calories to maintain my weight.
Hmm...2700 calories. Does anyone recognize that number? Oh, right, it's EXACTLY the number that the Minnie Maud guidelines predicted. :-)

Malnutrition distorts body image and perception, I believe the Minnesota Starvation Experiment showed that ED thoughts are really to a large extent a product of starvation, rather than the cause. At the beginning i would only put myself down for eating 'naughty foods', but by the end i would be feeling extreme feelings of guilt and shame for eating something like a banana.

Genetics creates the blue print
Familial/childhood environment fashions the gun
(At some point) a chronic or acute stressor pulls the trigge.

My new mantra became "I release the need to be thin so that I can trust the process so that I can become Real".

Its ironic that, for me, the ED is both born from fear and dies at the hand of fear.

I do the body check thing too! Sitting, walking past mirrors, etc. Something that has kind of helped me--kind of because I'm still making a habit of it--is to pretend my body belongs to somebody else. Sounds weird, but it helps me to be more objective and less critical. If I catch myself staring at my stomach or thighs or whatever unflattering feature, I imagine myself doing the same thing to somebody else and realize what a rude thing it is I'm doing. Same with weighing and measuring; if some random person came up to me and started measuring me or weighing me for the sole purpose of tearing me apart in their mind I would be pissed, so why is it okay to do to myself?
It helps. Don't like to be rude!

Obsessed about counting calories?

I am. I don't have any excuse doing it anymore. I know I eat far more than minimum. But I like to know, you know? I will stop when I am healed, though. I will. Today I had a mini breakthrough. I have weighed my food and written the weight in my little book as usual, but I have not checked how many calories I have eaten. I will write in the amounts of food at diet.no when I have finished eating for today. Then I'll see how much I have eaten. The best thing with this is that I don't stop eating by a number of calories, I have to listen to my body. This way I will get used to that and get used to not knowing how much I have eaten. It's awesome! I will certainly continue doing this!

I counted it now. It was very similar to what i normally eat. I will not bother putting it in at diett.no every day. Just rarely. I will measure and write what I eat in my book, though. Why? In case I want to check later? No, I have no idea why. Let me think about it.

Update 5 and a half week in recovery.

I did not get extreme hunger. It was just one day I needed more around the time for my period. The first two weeks I ate minimum amounts for my age: 2500 a day on avarage. Week 23 I ate: 3323 . Week 24 I ate: 4449. Week 25 I ate: 4917.

My feet and legs still hurts, but with less pain. My nails are growing so fast. No changes to my hair and no acne. I have a lot of edema as is a (good) sign of healing, and the big belly everybody gets. I have increased sexual energy and fantasies about sex.I have not been weighing myself.

Next phase, nr 2, is less waterweight and more fat, and extra fat will gather around the waist. I remember that from the other time I recovered. I had a lot of loose fat on the sides. But this went away and then I felt fab! If I'm lucky the water retention will pass in about 3 weeks. It will have been 8 weeks in recovery then. Those who had bulimia are having more edema and for a longer time than anorexic people.

The calories the first part of this week

I have had a natural increase of calories this week, from an average of 1520 last week. I have eaten according to my hunger and appetite. I have been relaxed about it. I find it interesting that there is no point in increasing mecanically as I had planned. It can happen quicker as you can see. When this happens naturally it's all fine.
Monday: 1681
Tuesday:   1828
Wednesd:  1918
Thursday:  2063
I will give an update in a few days unless I am too ashamed of a huge number at the end of the week:) Perhaps I am heading towards EXTREME HUNGER!! I am scared, I must admit. I don't like the idea of eating 2500 or more calories a day. On the other hand it is better to gain weight on that amount than on 1600 like some others do, you know. I guess it's just the number that freaks me out. I hope my body can gain on 2600 max and in this way avoid extreme hunger. I want a little bit of control:( Please! Please! We will see what I will do when the time comes.

I'm sorry I can't give you any weight numbers along with this increase of calories. I do not want to torture myself with that. I know I will probably gain 30 kilos anyway, so, it doesn't really matter. I think I will gain 30 and afterwards lose 7 kilos and not be far from overweight according to BMI calculators. How can a body be called overweight when it is at it's set point weight and the healthiest it can be? Stupid calculator!

Today i have felt there is some healing going on in my legs and feet. That is a good sign.

I'm finished preparing and are taking the jump tomorrow.

My goal now is body healing and reaching it's set point weight. That means I'm ditching the other plan I had.  Tomorrow I jump up 180 calories to 1700 calories from 1520 this week. After three or so days I'll jump further to 1900 calories, after another 3 days if I'm hungry for more I'll jump to 2100 and after another three days I'll jump to 2300. I'm thinking I may need more time than three days to be hungry for more, but the opposite can happen as well, and my body may be ready to jump after only two days. I will find the best solution for my body, and will not force it to eat like I forced it to starve.

One motivating factor is reading recipes and thinking I can allow myself to eat all that. That gives me joy and a feeling of freedom. I have solved my clothing problem so that is no longer holding me back from jumping to reach my goal, or my body's goal, more precisely. See, I refuse to dress womanly and with curves I see that as a threat to my body image. I like teen boys wear and mens wear. I started dressing with ties and mens jackets when I was 16, and I have never liked much of womens wear. I do like some, though, but it can easily be combined with mens wear.

Only thing I'm not sure about yet is if I am going to follow a meal plan or let my self give in to extreme hunger if that arrives. I have been wondering what the result of giving in to EH compared to not giving into it will be. I haven't found so much info about it. Just that some who doesn't give into it may think they are recovered before they really are. I don't want that of course. I want full recovery and stay there. I am not afraid of EH, because I have experienced it many years ago, but I would prefer avoiding it because I don't think I can afford to buy a huge amount of food at the moment.

So I wonder if it is possible to get a healthy recovery without giving in to it. I would rather eat a few hundred calories more than minimum daily than eating a lot the first days of the month and end up with no money for food at the end of the month. Will I overshoot more if I don't give into it and use very much more time to get well without extreme eating? I do not want to worry about not having enough money for food either. That is stressful.

So untill more money is coming in I think eating according to a meal plan and counting calories to make sure I eat enough will be the best for me. If I get extreme hunger I don't have to count, but I will try to have some control so i don't eat what ever and extreme amounts. I have read about peoples experiences with extreme hunger today. Two said that the extreme hunger disappeared after a few weeks because the body understood it got enough food every day. I find that reasonable. I mean, it's ok and understandable that the body are telling me it is very hungry, but as long as I feed it food for healing purposes it is not restricting when I don't give into it and let my body take over completely. I don't say there is wrong eating according to the extreme hunger, but I think maybe it is okey not to do it as well as long as I give the body above minimum amounts.

I will get more money when a guy moves into the apartment in june, july or august. This person can be a challange for me, and that's ok. This recovery will test our friendship because he likes me skinnier the better and have to watch me eat a lot and be huge. It will certainly be interesting to see if he can be supportive or not.Perhaps he wants to move out or never move in, ha ha. At first I thought I needed to be sure he could support me before I could take the jump into full recovery, but as my motivation increased I don't feel I need his approval. This is my thing, if he likes it or not. I can handle a rejection if it's based on such a superficial thing as body size. 

My plan for the upcoming weeks.

Well. I do not have the guts to go for full recovery, eating without restricting and aim for reaching my set point weight, but I'm going to do something. So, I have this plan to at least feel a bit better and be a bit healthier.

This week: 1470 calories, No exercise, no weight gain.
Week 20: 1520 calories, daily walk: 25 min.
Week 21: 1570 calories, daily walk: 30 min.+ yoga 1 pr week.
Week 22: 1610 calories, daily walk: 30 min.+ yoga 2 pr week or 1 yoga + 25 extra min. walk 1 weekly.
Week 23: 1630 calories, daily walk: 30 min.+ yoga 2 pr week or 1 yoga + 25 extra min. walk 1 weekly.
Week 24: Same as above.
Week 25: Same as above.
Week 26: 1670 calories, daily walk: 30 min.+yoga 2 pr week + 25 extra min. walk 2 weekly.

if I stay on 1630, gaining weight, it's ok. I can weigh 53. I can live with that as long as I don't get edema and have energy for some movement. By increasing slowly I hope to prevent edema. Edema means healing, so I don't let my body heal with this method, so I
don't recommend it to anyone who has been starving, but I'm not tough enough to gain a bunch of weight because my set point is so high and I am not ready for a body that big on this stage in my life. I think I would feel more misery in a big body than with the little energy and the head aches that I have got know. I can always change my mind later.

If I don't gain weight after 2 weeks on 1630 I can go up to 1670 calories a day and see what happens. I can't imagine not gaining, but stranger things has happened. I'm not sure if I will have extra energy for the walks and yoga I want I to do, though. If I don't I will perhaps gain. I will have to see how the plan is working and adjust somehow i don't know yet.

Fat is not to blame. Fat is not a shame.

It was never the fat that was the enemy. It was the dirty men crossing the line, it was the materialistic people who saw you as a body only, it was the ballett class that just accepted skinny girls and women, it was the overcontrolling parents that gave you no control over your life and no freedom to be you.

You don't want a man who only likes skinny girls and women do you? But a man who find beauty in every living body. A tolerate human being. That is what you want to be as well, isn't it? Now we go around as living dead. You never wanted that, did you?

You needed to put up a boundery around yourself, because clearly the fat wasn't rough enough to work as that. Edgy bones would do the trick. The dirty hands would get hurt by your bones. No fat to grab on to.

Fat is feminine mostly. This part of the feminine is still not respected. Many men still fear us: our special strength, our nature, our sexuality and connection to the unconcious and the divine. Can you imagine a goddess with unhealthy low fat percentage? It is a part of our strength. Without it we can't be fertile.

I'm trying to accept being heavier. To be used to the idea of being heavier. I have to be sure I can hold a bigger body. Wear a bigger body without shame before I gain. I must stop fooling myself to think I can have energy for exercise just by gaining a few kilos. It doesn't work like that. The body are deficient, that means I need to go all the way till the body says it is ok.

I can throw away the idea of counting calories in recovery. I can binge and go crazy because it is the body that needs healing and that takes a lot of energy, time and rest. It's all in or no change at all. I will eat healthy, though. Add fat, not sugar. Eat healthy and supplement with chocolates sweetened with stevia and home made ice cream and almond buns. I'm just not ready to face me with a fuller body yet. I am motivated though. I must talk to someone special and see if he can support me first. A very good friend of mine who likes skinny, child-like women only. Sigh!

I hit the breaks.

I have been curious about how many calories I can add and live on on my current weight of 47. I think i have found out now, unless I a have 1 kilo of water retention because my period is coming soon. In case it is not because of that I hit the breaks. I can not remember gaining a whole kilo of water over to days.  I ate 1460 calories last week and this week jumped to 1510. It was then it happened. I will eat 1448 some days now and see what happens after i get my period. I have all the time in the world. I don't want to be scared, but do this very slowly. It's no fun to go up to 53 when I still have no extra energy to build strength. I don't want to gain 6 kilos of fat. I can handle 1 kilo, but the rest should be organs and muscles. Perhaps I am hoping for the impossible, but I have not given up on the idea.

I know I can lose weight ,very, very slowly, on 1550 if I walk 80 minutes a day and weigh 43. I think I should try to be flexible and not eat the same every day. I could increase my calories to the days I walk that much, and eat 1448 the days I don't. I will do that. I will perhaps eat according to my activity level every day, actually. Just have to figure out the numbers. Like on the days I have little energy and just walk 20 minutes I can eat 1448. And if I walk more or do yoga I add those calories in food. That will motivate me to move more perhaps, and it is to be more active that is more goal.

When I imagine being weight restored and not counting calories and having a meal plan I just see my self going crazy with food. But I remember when I once was weight restored, it was in fact the opposite. It is in recovery, now, I could eat like a maniac if I gave up all control over my body, but that is because I am starving my body. When I have given the calories the body needs I will be very relaxed about food. I won't crave it. I won't think about it much at all because I won't be starving. It is quiet a releif to come to that point. Pretty funny that one day I eat like a maniac like many days before that day, and the next I am ready for life, people and have little interest in food. The hunger is gone. I can lift my head up from the stomach area.

But I can't imagine eating freely ever again, in recovery or weight restored. Being maniac, being possessed with food, is a nightmare. Just thinking about food and how to get as much as possible into the mouth without being too full. I need to count and make sure the weight is stable and know if I eat enough, too much or too little. It's so difficult eating right amounts, just trusting the body. I do listen to my body now, but I am backing it up with data. After I got weight restored many, many years ago I wasn't eating enough so I acted bulimic. That is awful. It must be most important to make sure not to restrict anything once weight restored. Then the fear of gaining weight must be less than the fear of a relapse. To be sure I will have a sucsessful recovery I have to be ok with a bigger body, with fat. I am not there yet even though I have taken a step into that direction seeing the beauty in bigger bodies. To see me as bigger is so much harder. Me with a fuller face. O.M.G. How can I or anyone else take me serious then? I know that is a crazy thought, but I have not replaced it yet.

Update

My goal is to eat 1460 calories a day this week, started monday, and add more calories next week. I have no problem with it. It will be harder later when the amount is higher and I will check if I gain on it. I'm pretty sure I don't gain on this amount so it is just awesome to eat this much. I have started to feel less energetic this week so I think the healing is starting, if I understand my body right. No water retention, though.

Answering a question about appetite control.

You say you eat all the nuts if they are in the house and you start eating. What if you make a rule and say that when you eat nuts you take so and so many grams and that more is out of the question? You measure, put the bag back to the place you store it, and not before then you eat it. Then you have made your self a portion. Just an idea that works for me. I eat nuts twice a day, so I don't feel the need to eat a lot of it when I do, because I know that within just hours I will be able to eat it again. I also need to up my calories. I then use more sources of fat, like avocado, tahini, butter and olive oil. The food get tastier and tastier:) I also think recovery is great because then I can eat "unsweetened"(stevia) chocolate. That has a lot of calories. I make a potion with chocolate too because eating a lot is tempting. But I want to be in control of my desires, and this way I can enjoy it without feeling bad afterwards. Best of luck. 

Oh yes, I'm on it!

I'm very motivated to eat more now and have already started my slow return to a healthy body. I've looked at my body in the mirror and can accept to gain. My goal is 53 kilos. I felt much better at that weight and was pretty strong. Perhaps I will try to gain more when I reach that goal. I will see. I'm adding more calories week by week and will not stop exercising, but continue doing the little I already normally do because I feel it is not bad for me, and increase it as or if I feel stronger and more energetic.

I have a little book where I have written the calorie goal for the week and where I can write my weight every day. I have full control over my weight gain and I love this project so much because I look forward to be able to exercise more. I like that, feeling energetic and strong.

This girl does recovery amazingly. She focus on the positive about her body. Embraces it.https://www.instagram.com/amalielee/

It is motivating for me because I don't like focusing on sexy. To be sexy became something negative for me. This girl is owning her body, not selling it like" look, am I pretty? Do you want me? Will you give me compliments?" She cares about what her self think and feel about it rather than asking for others opinion. That is my impression, anyway.

The numbers when I calculate the daily need of calories.

I calculated the calories I need If I weigh 59 kilos. I just guess that is a weight that can be healthy for me. As inactive I then just need 1539 calories. That is not much and much less that the recommended 2000-2500 that people hear they should have in and after recovery.

Here is the calculator: http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm
Edit: I found one even more accurate here:http://www.iifym.com/tdee-calculator/

If my weight is like now 47 I am suppose to need 1395. I think that may be accurate.( I eat 1386 now and I don't get bigger, I think. I recently allowed myself some more after eating abut 1350 a day for a many weeks, because I do not want to get scary thin again. I am afraid I come to the point of no return. )

I was hoping I could eat a little more than just 144 calories more. Is the weight gain worth it when I can eat that little more?

I remember I ate 2200 calories at one point in recovery and was afraid of where my weight gain should stop because I was still hungry. If I should continue like that I would be huge. So I stopped and lost weight again.

Yes, the numbers confuse me.

If I write that I exercise 3 times a week on 47 kilos mye intake could be 1599.
And on 53 kilos it could be 1674. On 59 kilos with the same amount of activity 1764.
That is better numbers.

If my activity-level is between level 1 and 2 I can eat 1495 without gaining at 47 kilos, and about 1651 a day without gaining when weighing 59 kilos.

I do want to be more active. It's just that my energy-level is low and my head ache stops me. I would be so happy if a recovery could make it possible to exercise again. I love it when I have the strength and energy to do it. It will feel like luxurious.

But what does exercise 3 times a week mean that is level 2? I found the answer on the same page as the calculator:
For the sake of simplicity we define exercise here as 20 minutes of elevated heart rate.
So, 3 times/week is 20 minutes of elevated heart rate 3 times per week. For you this could mean a brisk walk, for others it could be a slow jog.
(Intense exercise can be defined as an hour of elevated heart rate. )

This means I have this level or higher actually as I take a little walk or two every day and do 30 minutes of yoga every second day. I can actually eat 1599 calories without gaining according to this calculator. It must be too good to be true. I don't have the guts to believe it. It would help tremendously, though. I would not starve and I would exercise more.

Perhaps I should take one step soon and eat 1495 a day? I think I will start with 1400 a day for a week, then go up to 1450 a day for a week or 2,3 or 4 if I don't dare to go further. Thing is, I can weigh myself to be sure I'm not gaining. My weight go up and down a little waterweight every month, so that can make it hard to know if I have gained or not. When I am sure I have not gained I will go up to 1500.

It will be exciting to see if I get more energy. When I tried to recover the last time my energy level dropped even more than before. Probably because I suddenly ate several hundred calories more and had read everyone got tired when eating more in recovery.

I'm really bored at looking at my thin thigh muscles when I do yoga. It just looks stupid. I miss having strength.

If I am going to recover I will not do it like last time, but in a slowly and controlled manner so I don't get scared and want to jump back again. 

50 calories more

As I am losing weight I have been thinking: why not go down to 43 again? But why should I? I have for a few days added 50 calories to reduce the speed of losing weight even more so I may get used to having a bit more on and hopefully ditch the desire to lose more when/if I reach 46 or 47 kilos. I want that to be the limit. I don't want to stare down into the darkness of death once more like i did when I weighed 44 and 43. I have lost my period again. It is important to not lose too much because the thinner I get the thinner I want to be and the more control I lose.