It was never the fat that was the enemy. It was the dirty men crossing
the line, it was the materialistic people who saw you as a body only, it
was the ballett class that just accepted skinny girls and women, it was
the overcontrolling parents that gave you no control over your life and
no freedom to be you.
You don't want a man who only likes skinny girls and women do you? But a man who find beauty in every living body. A tolerate human being. That is what you want to be as well, isn't it? Now we go around as living dead. You never wanted that, did you?
You needed to put up a boundery around yourself, because clearly the fat wasn't rough enough to work as that. Edgy bones would do the trick. The dirty hands would get hurt by your bones. No fat to grab on to.
Fat is feminine mostly. This part of the feminine is still not respected. Many men still fear us: our special strength, our nature, our sexuality and connection to the unconcious and the divine. Can you imagine a goddess with unhealthy low fat percentage? It is a part of our strength. Without it we can't be fertile.
I'm trying to accept being heavier. To be used to the idea of being heavier. I have to be sure I can hold a bigger body. Wear a bigger body without shame before I gain. I must stop fooling myself to think I can have energy for exercise just by gaining a few kilos. It doesn't work like that. The body are deficient, that means I need to go all the way till the body says it is ok.
I can throw away the idea of counting calories in recovery. I can binge and go crazy because it is the body that needs healing and that takes a lot of energy, time and rest. It's all in or no change at all. I will eat healthy, though. Add fat, not sugar. Eat healthy and supplement with chocolates sweetened with stevia and home made ice cream and almond buns. I'm just not ready to face me with a fuller body yet. I am motivated though. I must talk to someone special and see if he can support me first. A very good friend of mine who likes skinny, child-like women only. Sigh!
You don't want a man who only likes skinny girls and women do you? But a man who find beauty in every living body. A tolerate human being. That is what you want to be as well, isn't it? Now we go around as living dead. You never wanted that, did you?
You needed to put up a boundery around yourself, because clearly the fat wasn't rough enough to work as that. Edgy bones would do the trick. The dirty hands would get hurt by your bones. No fat to grab on to.
Fat is feminine mostly. This part of the feminine is still not respected. Many men still fear us: our special strength, our nature, our sexuality and connection to the unconcious and the divine. Can you imagine a goddess with unhealthy low fat percentage? It is a part of our strength. Without it we can't be fertile.
I'm trying to accept being heavier. To be used to the idea of being heavier. I have to be sure I can hold a bigger body. Wear a bigger body without shame before I gain. I must stop fooling myself to think I can have energy for exercise just by gaining a few kilos. It doesn't work like that. The body are deficient, that means I need to go all the way till the body says it is ok.
I can throw away the idea of counting calories in recovery. I can binge and go crazy because it is the body that needs healing and that takes a lot of energy, time and rest. It's all in or no change at all. I will eat healthy, though. Add fat, not sugar. Eat healthy and supplement with chocolates sweetened with stevia and home made ice cream and almond buns. I'm just not ready to face me with a fuller body yet. I am motivated though. I must talk to someone special and see if he can support me first. A very good friend of mine who likes skinny, child-like women only. Sigh!
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