2 weeks and 2 days in.

Hi! So i have been eating recovery amounts about 2 weeks now and I have probably gained the normal amount. I started Monday the 23 of May. Overall amounts that week was 2064 cal. Week 22 was: 2810 cal. overall. The overall of these two weeks is about minimum. I always eat above minimum, or I will never finish. I eat 3000-3500 a day.

Today i had to pick up a package with food (nut flours, chocolate and erytrithol), soy milk at the health store and get more sausages and stuff. Right after I baked a pizza bun I use as bread and chocolate cookies. TheN the head ache hit me again. Typical. I think it is funny that I can dO so little before the headache force me to bed, when I compare myself with normal people. After this little walk my feet and legs hurt as if I had walked all day.

I am doing great. No anxiety. Daily I have to remind myself I can eat above minimum. I am used to have a limit to keep myself under, not over. I am bloated. That came when I hit minimum. Constipated. I have been addicted to senna. Don't know what to do.

I have sendt so many messages on ebay that I am not allowed to send any more before tomorrow. I am looking for dresses and long shirts to wear as I grow bigger. I have already bought tights. When I am weight restored I will buy clothes for real.

I enjoy eating new foods while i'm in recovery.

I didn't find lung mash without pork, but I bought sausages of chicken. I haven't eaten them for 28 years! It was funny eating them now. Tasted good. And I like that it takes no effort to get dinner (or lunch). I just had half a chocorite bar and 22 g of cavalier dark while the sausages got warm and had the sausages on a fork. ha ha.

Have you noticed that chocorite are trying to make bars like quest bars? I bought mocka caramel and had my first bite today.

Not bad at all. Not so much taste of caramel, though. They are up there with quest I'll say. And not bad that they has made a bar recipe Quest hasn't. I have missed caramel. I tried cavalier stevia caramel. It was too sweet and the caramel was dry and didn't taste caramel either. Just very, very sweet. It cost a lot and are not worth the money. I also bought chocorite peanut butter bars. They are thinner. I haven't tasted them yet, but i'll tell you tomorrow. The first ones has 3 netcarbs in one bar (bigger than quest bars) and the thin ones has 1 net carb in one bar. From Iherb.com.

Yummy

I had a bit of a nausea this morning, but I ate anyway, but just what I didn't find disgusting. I think the cause was either that I ate more fat yesterday than usual (it hurts a bit in the gall blader area) or just because I have a bad head ache.
I had a almond bun with lots of butter and brie+ the rest of my cavalier dark berries with stevia+half a quest bar. I haven't had brie for decades. I now see why people in recovery are showing their food on instagram, ha ha. It's such a joy to eat what ever we like. Our new freedom. I have been tempted to show what I eat too, but it's not that important that its worth the work.If I had a lot of visitors here perhaps I'd do it. At least if someone wanted me to.

Planning for extreme hunger and more eating in general on low carb.

I wonder if it is possible to be extremely hungry and be satisfied with low carb food only, without getting too much protein. I have to think and plan how to get enough fat without "drinking oil" to get the calories needed. I guess I have to make a lot of -sauces with butter, coconut milk, cream or tahini.
-Always add avocado.
-Eat fat fish.
-The fattest cheece.
-peanuts, walnuts, hazelnuts, almonds and macademia (macademia is almost only fat).
-Make pizza bottoms with cream, cheece, (almond flour perhaps) and eggs.
-Make buns with butter, eggs, sweetener, vanilla, cottage cheese and almond flour.
-Make ice cream with cream, erytrithol and eggs.
-Eat stevia chocolate.
-Drink cocoa with whole milk or soy milk.
- Eat fat lamb meat.
-Eat nut butters.
-Chicken-turkey sausages.
-Make chocolate cake with eggs, butter, sweetener and cocoa powder only.
-Lung mash.

I am going to eat this in recovery

Waffles, pancakes, buns with cheese and butter, french chocolate cake with only butter, eggs, chocolate and sweetener, beef, fish and chicken indian style and just in the oven with cream, included reindeer, pizza, ice cream of eggs and cream, mashed potatoes, all of it home made. + chocolate and salted nuts. Looking forward to it:)

Stepping forward towards full recovery.

I put a lot of effort into trying to get used to, first the idea, of getting more fat on my body. I felt safe feeling my bones before. To feel fat instead will be strange, but it should be possible to feel safe about fat too. More physical safe at least. I have been underweight for very many years so it is not easy to picture my self fuller. I have played with the idea of changing my style of clothing, just for the fun of it, making this change of body into something exciting. I have also thought maybe I should try to be a really good cook. In recovery one has so little energy, so reading recipes, making tasty food and even invite people over would be a big change, but a positive one. I almost only eat salads and can't make hot meals, not a sauce, because I never eat such "fattening" luxery. I am also nervous when eating with others, but I will not be much nervous when I invite to dinner and when I am not afraid of gaining weight from it. I do love food so why not support that interest and make the best of it? Many with an ED look at recipes and make food for others. I am not one of them. I feel it is more interesting in a recovery when it is all about food and rest anyway.

About body image I look at plus size models and look for the beauty in them. In comparison the skinny models look boring. I haven't thought that before. I am getting bored of my own skinny body as well. I hope I get so bored I gladly cover it up with fat soon. Yesterday I thought: Why on earth do we want to look so weak? It is almost embarressing. For me respect is the most important thing I want from others and myself, so why weak? I thought skinny and active would give respect, and it does perhaps from some, anyway, but skinny and with low energy? Not so much! I am actively changing my mind set to be prepared for a recovery success.

Fat is not to blame. Fat is not a shame.

It was never the fat that was the enemy. It was the dirty men crossing the line, it was the materialistic people who saw you as a body only, it was the ballett class that just accepted skinny girls and women, it was the overcontrolling parents that gave you no control over your life and no freedom to be you.

You don't want a man who only likes skinny girls and women do you? But a man who find beauty in every living body. A tolerate human being. That is what you want to be as well, isn't it? Now we go around as living dead. You never wanted that, did you?

You needed to put up a boundery around yourself, because clearly the fat wasn't rough enough to work as that. Edgy bones would do the trick. The dirty hands would get hurt by your bones. No fat to grab on to.

Fat is feminine mostly. This part of the feminine is still not respected. Many men still fear us: our special strength, our nature, our sexuality and connection to the unconcious and the divine. Can you imagine a goddess with unhealthy low fat percentage? It is a part of our strength. Without it we can't be fertile.

I'm trying to accept being heavier. To be used to the idea of being heavier. I have to be sure I can hold a bigger body. Wear a bigger body without shame before I gain. I must stop fooling myself to think I can have energy for exercise just by gaining a few kilos. It doesn't work like that. The body are deficient, that means I need to go all the way till the body says it is ok.

I can throw away the idea of counting calories in recovery. I can binge and go crazy because it is the body that needs healing and that takes a lot of energy, time and rest. It's all in or no change at all. I will eat healthy, though. Add fat, not sugar. Eat healthy and supplement with chocolates sweetened with stevia and home made ice cream and almond buns. I'm just not ready to face me with a fuller body yet. I am motivated though. I must talk to someone special and see if he can support me first. A very good friend of mine who likes skinny, child-like women only. Sigh!

Eat more, but still low carb.

My goal is to eat more than then minimum amount for recovery (for my age: 2500) when my body want me to, cause I am not gaining fast at all. That means not skipping the last meal at the end of the day like I am sooo used to. Before my first diet at 16 my weight was 70 kilos, 27 kilos more than my lowest weight. I had eaten too much, junk and sweets, so I was above my set point. The 2nd time I ate unrestricted amounts and food choices for a long time, after long periods of almost no food, I overshot that weight! Probabably because I ate junk. 

The first time i overshot my startweight with 4 kilos, before I felt ready to stop "eating sugar" and rest and have a life again (as if I was releasing my self from a hospital). But I started restricting again for months without being aware of it while trying to eat very healthy and normal amounts, and ended up binging daily again and gained so much I ended up even 5 kilos more than last time. Why don't Gwen warn the girls at eatopia that if they addictive food they will gain too much?

For almost 2 years after that i restricted and came down to 54 kilos. Again I tried to recover and eat without counting calories, fear fat etc and gained again, but not as much as the first time when I recovered unwillingly and lived on junk. This second time I tried to learn to cook and had people over for dinner and stuff. I don't remember weighing myself so I can only guess my weight. I can say 60 kilos. I then moved to a school I got all my meals at and gained because the food was very far from low carb and full of oil, and I drank a lot of tea with honey, so I gained a few kilos. After a while I felt uncomfortable with the bigger body and started restricting again for real when the school year was over. I did so till the recovery I am in now.

I have no idea where I will end up because I did not eat normally from the age 12 when I was skinny. It is normal to overshoot 10% of the set point weight and by the following year get rid of it, but I know that those who don't break the addiction to food (chocolate, chips etc) can gain and gain like every anorectic person fear.

Right before I started eating sweets daily, because I started restricting food a little because I was ashamed that I ate more than the skinnier girls (3 slices of bread compared to their 1 slice) (but ended of course up heavier because of the sugar) my weight was perhaps 65 kilos. If I end up on 65 kilos I am happy. I mean, I am 42 years old, and some day I have to accept my body and give my self freedom and a life. I will not touch sugar and eat low carb, so there is a chance my set point weight is below 65 kilos.

I am totally into eatopia, but I have not seen Gwen say an overshot is based on binging on sugar-loaded junk. It is just my guess based on a little experience. I think sugar make us gain over the set point weight. My experience is that the body don't have the time to regulate the weight when you start to eat a lot of sugar. Then I just gained. You don't feel full when you eat sweets. If you replace that with food, you just eat and eat and just gain and gain. Never replace food with sweets and junk like potatoe chips! I am excited to see if my theory is a fact.

Now i don't have the same fear and rejection to fat bodies. I know that those who are slightly overweight or almost overweight live the longest. It is a myth in society that thin is the same as healthy and that eating a bit too little will make your life longer. A body is beautiful no matter how much fat it has on the muscles as long as she is healthy, I think. Attitude is more important.

EDIT: After reading the articles I have linked to in the next blog post I can guess my weight will be close to 63 kilos. Why do i say that suddenly? Because now i read that my theory is correct: when eating junk and sweets in recovery or at set point weight you will gain above set point because you eat more than your body needs. Simple as that.