I posted my last post on youreatopia as well. To my surprise I got a response I didn't expect from the owner, but that I rather needed:
Just going to chime in to point out that your post could backfire on you. I am assuming that you had hoped that writing these things down would perhaps heighten your commitment to actually start recovery "I will eat this when..."
Unfortunately, the way our cognitive processes work, we can actually lower our ability to follow through on a commitment to ourselves when we communicate it to others.
We're taught that if we want to achieve something, we tell others of our intention to do so and it will improve our chances of following through. This has turned out not to work and that goes double for an online setting like this.
What happens in this scenario is that the act of writing down the list of foods you hope to eat in future when you are ready actually reinforces the very avoidance that you are currently practicing in response to feeling anxious and panicked when you try to eat these kinds of foods.
The reason that so many with active eating disorders end up watching the food network, spending hours reviewing over recipes and oftentimes deciding to become dieticians, nutritionists, bakers and chefs is that these behaviours reinforce delay tactics around consumption of food.
Accountability is an important facet of approaching something that terrifies you, but accountability doesn't exist within an online setting, nor when you tell friends or family of your intention to begin refeeding "tomorrow" (or some day in the future). To generate accountability that actually influences behaviour, you have to involve someone who can hold you accountable -- and that needs to be a trained therapist or counsellor when it comes to beginning recovery from an eating disorder. And you have to be ready to be accountable as well.
When people often say "therapy didn't really work for me" what they're actually saying is "I didn't really work for the therapy" -- I'm not talking about when you have a therapist you don't like working with obviously, I am pointing out that if you're not ready to be accountable, then you won't be.
It's also telling that you define a long list of foods as being relevant to consume for "weight gain", when they're just foods that energize you. Weight get restored until it no longer needs to be restored and the goal of eating unrestrictedly is not the weight gain -- that's handled for you by the body. The goal of eating unrestrictedly is to eat unrestrictedly because that's the only way you can return to (and stay in) an energy balanced state.
There's no right time to step into re-feeding because you have a threat response system that has misidentified food as a threat. It will generate panic, but the fear is not real. If you're ambivalent about beginning recovery, then work with a therapist who offers motivational interviewing. G.
May 11, 2016 |
My answer: That made me think, G. Thank you. It was what I needed to hear. That is exactly what I need. I was hoping my mum would be my support and was motivated to go into full recovery based on that, but then I understood she didn't want to be that, wasn't interested about hearing about recovery, so my motivation sank and I felt I had to wait. After that I have wondered if maybe another girl will do it together with me so we can support each other, but I'm afraid it isn't the best idea, because I don't think we will feel committed enough, then, and we will not be enough support to each other. And a random therapist I am afraid will take too much control instead of being supportive. I need one who really knows what he or she is doing and are understanding. I can try to find one, though. I'm sorry I am talking about another subject here, but I'm thankful for the advice and to the warning about what I had forgot; Telling before doing and owning it.
Another girls replies: There is nothing to be gained from waiting for recovery. We do it for ourselves and for nobody else. We do only the best we can. And yes, it's hard to find support in this ED-driven world -- that's why we have each other and this forum.
My thoughts: If I am going to do it alone I would be reading in this forum all day long to not fall into ED's snare. I get motivated and reasonable reading in here, but if I don't feel I have very little energy and bad head ache and have been hours away from this positive forum I am back in ED's arms very quickly.
I want to go into full recovery because that is the most reasonable thing to do and because I don't have energy + other things, but I fear it as well. I don't know if my motivation is strong enough as long as I need to be reminded that it is the best to do all the time. Perhaps my thoughts change to the better when my habit of restriction changes, so I don't need to spend hours reading in here to get motivated enough to not go back to feeling unsure about full recovery?
I got a letter from the girl with the short comment and I answered this:
It's assuring to know you do it without someone to stand accountable to, as Gwyneth said was so important do. I totally agree that I have to want this myself and not be dependant. I want to know I will not relapse when I decide to go into full recovery. I've tried it twice before and I want to to succeed the third time. I think when people around you, like your friends, are happy you are recovering health it helps, "just" that. And when it comes to the need of talking about the recovery we can use the forum or writing in a blog if there is noone around.
I actually followed the MM guidelines the first time I tried recovery, many years ago. I had never heard about these guidelines then. I thought I had got another eating disorder because I had EH for a long time. It was when I was going to eat normal again I slipped. Eating too little and too healthy and restricting more and more.
On another forum I asked:
I have heard I need someone to hold me accountable if I'm going to be able to go into full recovery and stay there till my body is recovered. I thought my mum wanted to be that support, but I found out she didn't, so my motivation sank. Has anyone heard of someone managing to recover by being two in recovery motivating each other, or doesn't that work? What worked for you? I assume it doesn't matter who and what kind of therapeut the supporting person is. It's the personal qualities that matters the most. Like taking others seriously, for example. Very important for me.
It's hard to find a therapist that can be trusted because not many are influenced by thoughts that are not healthy. Like: I need someone who trust the body, that it has a set point weight, that EH doesn't last longer than the body needs it to and that is not afraid of overweight.
Just thoughts: I wish I could afford a healer or alternative therapeut. Well, if I go less often it cost the same a month as other therapeuts and doctors.
It would be good to have more support in the beginning, though. I actually know a healer who I can talk to half the time of the session and who gives healing the second half. Massage once in a while would also be great. I think I need more support than that, and more motivation. I am backing off from the image of a bigger me that I fear will be the result of recovery. I do think it's less scary when the image has turns into my actual body. I will defend it then. I will own it then. I think. Aggressively and a little fearfull, yes, probably, but still defending it.
I found out later today where my aggression came from. It was some old anger towards one who abused me right before i got anorexia. So it's gone for now.
Just going to chime in to point out that your post could backfire on you. I am assuming that you had hoped that writing these things down would perhaps heighten your commitment to actually start recovery "I will eat this when..."
Unfortunately, the way our cognitive processes work, we can actually lower our ability to follow through on a commitment to ourselves when we communicate it to others.
We're taught that if we want to achieve something, we tell others of our intention to do so and it will improve our chances of following through. This has turned out not to work and that goes double for an online setting like this.
What happens in this scenario is that the act of writing down the list of foods you hope to eat in future when you are ready actually reinforces the very avoidance that you are currently practicing in response to feeling anxious and panicked when you try to eat these kinds of foods.
The reason that so many with active eating disorders end up watching the food network, spending hours reviewing over recipes and oftentimes deciding to become dieticians, nutritionists, bakers and chefs is that these behaviours reinforce delay tactics around consumption of food.
Accountability is an important facet of approaching something that terrifies you, but accountability doesn't exist within an online setting, nor when you tell friends or family of your intention to begin refeeding "tomorrow" (or some day in the future). To generate accountability that actually influences behaviour, you have to involve someone who can hold you accountable -- and that needs to be a trained therapist or counsellor when it comes to beginning recovery from an eating disorder. And you have to be ready to be accountable as well.
When people often say "therapy didn't really work for me" what they're actually saying is "I didn't really work for the therapy" -- I'm not talking about when you have a therapist you don't like working with obviously, I am pointing out that if you're not ready to be accountable, then you won't be.
It's also telling that you define a long list of foods as being relevant to consume for "weight gain", when they're just foods that energize you. Weight get restored until it no longer needs to be restored and the goal of eating unrestrictedly is not the weight gain -- that's handled for you by the body. The goal of eating unrestrictedly is to eat unrestrictedly because that's the only way you can return to (and stay in) an energy balanced state.
There's no right time to step into re-feeding because you have a threat response system that has misidentified food as a threat. It will generate panic, but the fear is not real. If you're ambivalent about beginning recovery, then work with a therapist who offers motivational interviewing. G.
May 11, 2016 |
My answer: That made me think, G. Thank you. It was what I needed to hear. That is exactly what I need. I was hoping my mum would be my support and was motivated to go into full recovery based on that, but then I understood she didn't want to be that, wasn't interested about hearing about recovery, so my motivation sank and I felt I had to wait. After that I have wondered if maybe another girl will do it together with me so we can support each other, but I'm afraid it isn't the best idea, because I don't think we will feel committed enough, then, and we will not be enough support to each other. And a random therapist I am afraid will take too much control instead of being supportive. I need one who really knows what he or she is doing and are understanding. I can try to find one, though. I'm sorry I am talking about another subject here, but I'm thankful for the advice and to the warning about what I had forgot; Telling before doing and owning it.
Another girls replies: There is nothing to be gained from waiting for recovery. We do it for ourselves and for nobody else. We do only the best we can. And yes, it's hard to find support in this ED-driven world -- that's why we have each other and this forum.
My thoughts: If I am going to do it alone I would be reading in this forum all day long to not fall into ED's snare. I get motivated and reasonable reading in here, but if I don't feel I have very little energy and bad head ache and have been hours away from this positive forum I am back in ED's arms very quickly.
I want to go into full recovery because that is the most reasonable thing to do and because I don't have energy + other things, but I fear it as well. I don't know if my motivation is strong enough as long as I need to be reminded that it is the best to do all the time. Perhaps my thoughts change to the better when my habit of restriction changes, so I don't need to spend hours reading in here to get motivated enough to not go back to feeling unsure about full recovery?
I got a letter from the girl with the short comment and I answered this:
It's assuring to know you do it without someone to stand accountable to, as Gwyneth said was so important do. I totally agree that I have to want this myself and not be dependant. I want to know I will not relapse when I decide to go into full recovery. I've tried it twice before and I want to to succeed the third time. I think when people around you, like your friends, are happy you are recovering health it helps, "just" that. And when it comes to the need of talking about the recovery we can use the forum or writing in a blog if there is noone around.
I actually followed the MM guidelines the first time I tried recovery, many years ago. I had never heard about these guidelines then. I thought I had got another eating disorder because I had EH for a long time. It was when I was going to eat normal again I slipped. Eating too little and too healthy and restricting more and more.
On another forum I asked:
I have heard I need someone to hold me accountable if I'm going to be able to go into full recovery and stay there till my body is recovered. I thought my mum wanted to be that support, but I found out she didn't, so my motivation sank. Has anyone heard of someone managing to recover by being two in recovery motivating each other, or doesn't that work? What worked for you? I assume it doesn't matter who and what kind of therapeut the supporting person is. It's the personal qualities that matters the most. Like taking others seriously, for example. Very important for me.
It's hard to find a therapist that can be trusted because not many are influenced by thoughts that are not healthy. Like: I need someone who trust the body, that it has a set point weight, that EH doesn't last longer than the body needs it to and that is not afraid of overweight.
Just thoughts: I wish I could afford a healer or alternative therapeut. Well, if I go less often it cost the same a month as other therapeuts and doctors.
It would be good to have more support in the beginning, though. I actually know a healer who I can talk to half the time of the session and who gives healing the second half. Massage once in a while would also be great. I think I need more support than that, and more motivation. I am backing off from the image of a bigger me that I fear will be the result of recovery. I do think it's less scary when the image has turns into my actual body. I will defend it then. I will own it then. I think. Aggressively and a little fearfull, yes, probably, but still defending it.
I found out later today where my aggression came from. It was some old anger towards one who abused me right before i got anorexia. So it's gone for now.
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