New attitude on body image.

I felt a bit stupid for being skinny when I saw a tall, big girl with confidence today. I thought she looked tougher and cooler than me. I think my skinny appearance just looks weak now and I am a little embarrassed, actually. This may sound like a struggle more than a success, but it is not, it's telling me I am getting ready for weight gain.

I can't deny the fact that my head aches and fatigue will continue forever if I don't gain weight. I have removed my foot from the breaks and have upped my calories a bit this week.

I'm still a bit scared of eating more and gain. Hope I am more ready for a thorough recovery tomorrow. I'm preparing for it! I need to make sure I can feel confident in a bigger body by my self, with others and with the image with maching clothes. I'm not sure yet if I want to change my style or not.

I get irritated by reading that someone think she is too heavy for treatment and that the girls in the treatment center will think  she has a body they are afraid of having a similar to. It's not true. It's negative and unrealistic. If she didn't need treatment she wouldn't get a place in the treatment center, would she? I once spoke to a girl who was very, very skinny. She was having an ED. She told me she would rather look like me. I was huge then. The biggest I had ever been. My weight was at a peak after recovering my weight and overshot my set point weight a lot. And I am now almost as skinny as she was and envy big girls. They are tougher than weak little me. They are bold enough to accept their body. The reality. I am just in a stupid war I will never win, and I am stupid enough to continue.