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Viser innlegg med etiketten anorexia. Vis alle innlegg

25. des. 2025

Spellbound

The following is written a little black and white to make it easier to understand and instead of the word "you" it could have been written "me". 

When the people around you that matter to you don't see you, only your body, naturally you will use your body to communicate to them that you are not your body, by shrinking it to say: See, I can shrink it, so it can't be me! 

Criticism can be like a spell that binds you to the critical persons view. You understand they only accept you if you live up to their liking, so instead of saying: "I am finding someone else to be around. Someone who accept me the way I am" you stay, because you don't know anyone who can see you for who you are. Everyone you know is the same way; Only seeing the obvious, not your soul,  so you are either trapped or on your own. As trapped you think: Ok, if I only make sure I am as thin as they want me to be, they will accept me and I can be fully me, free and seen. Its just my body that is the problem. That should be possible to fix.

But if they could not see you beyond the body when your appearance was not accepted, they never will. They could not meet your need of being seen beyond the body and kind of put the blame on your body for this lack. Your body was never the problem, but their lack of ability or willingness to see beyond it, and every body else, for that matter, was.

Their criticism trapped you. They got you now so they did not have to spend their life alone even though they only cared about themselves. They knew they could not attract you with love so instead they bound you with a spell implying you are unworthy of their love instead of admitting they have none. If they got you to focus on your body they could keep on focusing on the material stuff in peace. They had you in their world. The physical world. People like that will not compliment you or acknowledge ever, so you can be stuck there for eternity. You will never experience what you hoped for, to eventually be seen, to feel free. You will instead never feel you are thin enough because the love never shows. No matter how thin you get they are still just focusing on your body.

This goes for men as well. They see your body. See you as an object. No matter what you weigh they still do this. You are trapped in the physical world. 

I wish I had rejected my parents much earlier and been on my own until I finally found someone who could see me instead of being in this trap for so long. So many years went by before I had to give up the hope of being loved by them. So many years of misery. 

Do not do the same mistake as me. It is not the body that needs to change. You need to change what you focus on even though others don't. Let the people who only care about the physical plane care about it without you. Move on to the psychological, express your emotions, find your true values, your calling and find the reality. Leave the illusions behind and let those who love them live in them until they feel trapped and need you to help them out.

13. apr. 2025

So why to I continue controlling my body?

For me it is about control. I am emotional and do not know how to control my emotions well. My fuse is so short and my anger intense sometimes if I get triggered and it wake up memories from past abuse. I attach all the humiliations onto how my body looked when the humiliations happened and when I think of gaining weight and risk looking like that again it makes me frightened as if it can cause more abuse. It is not logic, but I don't know how to shake it off. My emotions are stronger after all the abuse and humiliations. I have a killer instinct now I didn't have before. I have to control my emotions so I don't hurt anyone and my body that may attract more abuse. I get better year to year, but to let go completely is hard. I still fear humiliations and to not be taken seriously.


It i hard to recover when not knowing why you do what you do. I read somewhere that a cause could be to have a sense of control, stability, in a chaotic uncontrollable world (after trauma). That resonated with me. I think it serves as an armor, a defence mechanism, created after trauma. I asked myself: What if I just let go and eat more and gain weight? A lot of emotions comes up, fear, anger and memories of abuse comes up. So yes I think I try to prevent things like that to happen again, long time after they happened. To control the body does not help in that regard at all. It is like grabbing a straw of grass when falling down a hillside and hold on to it as if it is better than nothing while falling. I think it can help to learn how to set boundaries for ourselves and to heal past trauma. Abuse woke up a killer instinct in me. To control my own emotions is the difficult part and I wonder if that is why I focus on controlling the body instead. Like a distraction from the chaotic world and my emotions. Yes, I think that is the key: Distraction. Like smoking to get a break from it all and put a lid on the subconscious and a wall up towards the world.

I wonder if there is magic thinking at play here, hoping to control how people behave towards us indirectly by believing: "If only I change the way I look I will be free to be authentic because people will treat me with respect and kindness?" But we can not control other people. We can not prevent bad things to happen. We can only control how we respond to it, but that is the difficult part. To not react, but be genuinely how we want to be take a lot of energy. We have to be open and vulnerable, we have to care about other peoples feelings, be selfless. I think my bad self image is bad when I think about the times I was not nice. When I was out of control. Also when I look through the eyes of others who dislike me. I don't feel that I have cracked the nut for why I cling to the control of my food intake or I would have changed and would not feel fear and anger the minute I think of letting go of the control. Maybe it is my anger I try to keep in check by controlling my food intake? Maybe it keeps the fear at bay? To avoid feeling out of control in general? Feeling the powerlessness that is real? That I can not control other people, if they abuse or reject me? I don't know because I still cling to calculations and weighing. A crutch? I can not know anything for sure.

What I am sure about is humiliations is a cause of why I started manipulating my body. I felt repulsed, angry, humiliated, sad and what not by other peoples actions towards me, but could not express anything. The body stood between the person and me every time. If it was prettier maybe I would have been treated better? If I looked more fierce and strong maybe I wouldn't been seen as an easy victim? Or if I looked more child-like I would have been spared? I want to control my surroundings so I am not invaded or hurt again, but are only able to control my body, the part of me that is in the world. Because when something horrible happens I become speechless and freeze. I can not protect myself. All I can do is prevent things from happening. By avoiding people and manipulating my body. I should know by now it does not hinder me from getting hurt or abused at all. Still I continue.

9. sep. 2024

Medication paradise

I had a weird experience today. I found my new medication Lamictal take away my stress the first day I used it, my constant little fear. Today on day 3 it has made me think differently about my body! My husband said I looked stronger today after I had been to the gym, but I said he probably just imagined it. I felt sad he thought I lifted heavier and heavier and that I had to tell him I can not, that I am not strong, I am not having enough fuel to replenish afterwards, I get too much pain and what not. Really unhappy because I could not train to get stronger as he thought. I asked myself later why I got sad because of that when I have always wanted to look skinny and not be muscular. Then I saw an image of myself as bigger, with more muscles and more fat and I loved that image of myself. I was like: What? How is that possible? That has never happened before! It must be the medication that makes me think differently as it removes my fear. Without the constant fear I no longer see the need to be skinny. It is so weird to be changed so radically and that rapidly! But it is also great. It means I can get much healthier. I can allow myself to increase my calories even when I start to gain weight from the number of calories I eat in the reverse diet that I do, because I will use that energy to get healthy and strong. I then asked myself: If I knew before taking the medication it would make me want to gain weight willingly, would I still take it? The answer was no, no way.! But now I am happy I am one step ahead. 

ED is just fear based! When the fear is gone the ED is out the window with it. Before this happened, at the gym, something happened that can be related to the change of mindset. I had to cry, which I normally do every day anyway. The difference this time was that an image of my mum looking malicious came up with it. It was like she came up through my throat and I had to feel her on the way out of me. By seeing and feeling this evil aspect of her I felt so much better afterwards. Was I relieved from the cause of my fear? She used to scorn me. Always hanging over my shoulder to look for something to criticise me for. It made me into a perfectionist, constantly stressed and afraid of criticism ever since. Seems like my ED is an evil spirit created from the traumatic impact my mum had on me. She became a part of me; Just like she harassed me in my childhood she harasses me in my adult life as a spirit within, making me just as unfree as when she hung over my shoulder. Well, that was up until now. She is out now and no longer have any power over me because the fear is gone.

After a day or two another cause of why I get stressed appeared. What I assume others expects from me. Now I will try to ask people directly if I worry they expect something I don't want to give them. The reason why it stresses me is that my mum used to criticise me and complain when I did not live up to all her unreasonable expectations. I also was in a relationship with a selfish guy who did not talk to me for a week or two if I did not do as he wanted me to, which happened a lot.

Then the third and last, it seems, reason came to my awareness. That I put the bar high for myself to always give correct information and be totally honest. Before I started the medication and lacked patience and detachment to my thoughts it was hard to prepare what to say properly. I also tried to say what I was to say as quick as possible because I  feared the attention span of the listener was very limited. Because I often didn't express myself as correct as I wanted to I was sometimes worried my message was misunderstood and had to correct myself afterwards. With Lamictal I am not so impatient, are calmer and are more detached to my thoughts so I can prepare better what to say so I fulfil my own expectations to be correct better,

30. mai 2019

What you can expect in recovery from an eating disorder

People who recover from an eating disorder may soon go back to old habits unless they get knowledge about what to expect in the recovery process. Many are surprised that they get less energy instead of more when they eat more. They don't understand that the body wants to rest to be able to heal the damage the body hasn't been able to heal the time it did not get enough energy for the job. They don't even think damage has been done. In the beginning of the healing process many experience edema. Many freak out and think they rapidly gain fat, but that is not possible. Read about edema here:https://www.acute.org/blog/edema-eating-disorder-recovery-causes-prevention-and-treatment

Many also get surprised when they get extreme hunger and can eat ten thousand calories in a day, forgetting the body has been starved and need extra food. When this happens many are afraid they have just switched from anorexia to binge eating disorder and are not getting well at all, but this is a misunderstanding. A restrictive person do not become a binge eater. The extreme hunger will only last until the body has got the energy it needs to heal from starvation. Do not stop eating a lot just because you think you have reached a high enough weight. It is up to the body to decide when you have gained enough. After a period of extreme hunger the hunger will normalize and the weight gain will stop.

At this point it is important to continue eating enough food. Read the recommended amounts at the ED institute https://edinstitute.org/blog/2011/9/14/i-need-how-many-calories. Don't compare your own food intake with others, but eat when hungry till you are satisfied all day every day. Respect the bodys signals and eat. You need a lot of food. Do not trust a calculator online to tell you how many calories your body needs. The body will tell you that more precisely. 

Do not restrict even the slightest to lose weight or you may very soon go back to restricting more and more. No more restriction! No more starving! If you overshot your set point weight you will lose excess water and fat naturally if you continue eating enough and avoid purging and exercising. The body needs the food and weight gain to rebuild the muscle mass and heal the metabolism. You don't need to do strength training to rebuild the muscles, you need enough food and rest. The body gain water first, then fat, then muscle mass. So be patient.

To weigh yourself, track calories, look in the mirror and wear tight clothes can all make it harder to recover.


15. feb. 2018

To korte beskrivelser av hva anoreksi er

Anoreksi krever at man deflekterer og er dissosiert fra alt livet som skjer i kroppen. Den rikdommen er det offeret man velger bort, så man kan bruke livet på å få til en sunn og meningsfull relasjon igjen, på egne vilkår, der man ikke opplever å være bundet på samme vis, på hender og føtter. Anoreksi var eneste mulighet for å overleve i denne verden. Å forbli glassklar, transparent og aldeles upåvirkelig, fordi man selv styrer over livet på en meget nøye, men også begrensende måte.


Anoreksi sier liksom: "Jeg er ikke ønsket, så da sulter jeg bort kropp, tanker, lyst, følelser og vilje så jeg passer inn." Og: " Noen gnager på meg konstant. Se, snart er alt kjøtt borte!"
" Jeg kan ikke spise mer fordi "I have too much on my plate".

28. okt. 2017

Why anorexic people starve.

It is not hard to understand anorexia. When we starve we have less life energy. Why have energy when there is nothing to be happy about? When no one loves us? What is the point in staying strong when there is no one to be strong for? When you see no love anywhere what keeps you staying here? Food and love is connected somehow. Both nourishes you. To just have food, not love, just seems unbalanced to me. So we starve instead of killing ourselves quickly hoping love will catch us before we fall in the grave.

5. des. 2016

Tre traumer som utløste anoreksien

Jeg hadde tre traumatiske opplevelser over en svært kort periode som utløste anoreksien.  Jeg var kristen, 16 år. Jeg flyttet fra mamma fordi jeg opplevde at hun hatet meg og søkte en ny familie jeg kunne bli en del av mot at jeg hjalp til med husarbeid og barnepass. Jeg fant en familie i Fetsund som på intervjuet strålte av kjærlighet. Jeg fant fort ut at kjærligheten ble gitt kun for anledningen. Mammaen var sykepleier og jobbet kveld og natt. Mannen var en alkoholiker som jobbet dagtid. På kveldene ble det jeg og han som snakket sammen. Jeg var glad fordi jeg savnet en far. Han var glad fordi han fant meg sexy. 

Det første traumet skjedde da jeg hadde en samtale med mannen om sex og kjærlighet en dag han var edru. Han sa at sex og kjærlighet er to forskjellige ting. Men jeg følte kjærlighet når jeg var tent,tenkte jeg. Han var 44 år så jeg trodde han visste hva han snakket om. Hvis det han sa stemte betydde det at det jeg følte ikke stemte. Det jeg trodde var kjærlighet var ikke kjærlighet. Kroppen hadde lurt meg. Den var ikke til å stole på. Og enda verre: jeg visste ikke hva kjærlighet virkelig var. Jeg tok deretter avstand til kroppen min. 

Det var bra dette skjedde så jeg begynte å lete etter en høyere form for kjærlighet en eroskjærligheten, men det hadde vært fint om mannen hadde sagt at det er flere former for kjærlighet:) Han ville kanskje med det han sa bare få meg til å skjønne at vi kunne ha sex kun fordi det er deilig, men jeg fulgte ikke hans tankebane i det hele tatt. Jeg ville bare bli kjent med meg selv og vite sannheten.

Traume 2: Kona ba meg slutte å være sammen med mannen hennes på kvelden ved å gi meg en TV jeg kunne ha nede hos meg. Jeg husker jeg kjedet meg. Kjente ingen der. Så masse filmer, spiste godteri og onanerte. Og onanerte. Og onanerte. Jeg ble overrasket over at jeg kunne ha 30 orgasmer på 1 kveld. Jeg følte meg skitten. Jeg trodde jo på Gud. 

En kveld ble denne skammen bragt opp på en svært ubehagelig måte. Jeg var den siste som pleide å gå på badet som lå ved siden av stua. Det visste nok mannen, for en natt jeg kom opp og skulle gå forbi åpningen til stua og inn på badet så jeg mannen sitte i en stol skjøvet frem til stueåpningen så jeg skulle se han. Han sov med morgenkåpen glidd til side. Jeg kunne se at han hadde onanert fordi jeg så hånden hans ligge over penisen. Jeg tenkte: hvorfor hadde han iscenesatt dette? Var det fordi han ville ha sex med meg? Eller var det Gud som ville konfrontere meg med min egen onani? Hvordan kunne i så fall mannen vite at jeg onanerte? Jeg gikk inn på badet og så meg i speilet. Mine følelser for han la seg over mitt eget kroppsbildet i speilet. En feit, ekkelt gris! 

Traume nr 3 skjedde en kveld jeg satt og pratet med mannen i stua mens kona var på jobb. I flere måneder hadde han kun sett meg som kropp og kommentert hvor deilig jeg var, mens jeg like lenge hadde forsøkt å komme innpå han så vi kunne bli venner. Denne kvelden var han veldig full og ble etterhvert klåfingra. Jeg ba han la være, men han respekterte det ikke, så jeg reiste meg opp og gikk raskt ned til rommet mitt og låste døra. Han fulgte etter, banket på døra og prøvde å komme inn. Så prøvde han å komme inn ved å kaste seg mot døra igjen og igjen. Jeg satt øverst og i hjørnet av køyesenga mitt med dundrende hjerte, redd han skulle klare å bryte seg inn. For hva da? Jeg var kristen og trodde det var forbudt å skade andre selv om det var i selvforsvar. (Du vet Jesus sa: "vend det andre kinnet til") Jeg var redd jeg måtte tillate et sexuelt misbruk for om jeg sparket han ned fra senga kunne det hende han skadet seg. Jeg så meg selv fra oven og da sa en stemme: du vet dette kun er drama? (og ikke noe som egentlig er verdt å bry seg noe om). Om stemmen hadde sagt selvforsvar er lov hadde det vært til mer hjelp:) Men mannen gav opp etter å ha kastet seg på døra tre-fire ganger. Han var sliten og full. 

Men jeg hadde blitt redd. Dagen etter tenkte jeg på at det de kristne hadde lovt ved at jeg ble kristen viste seg å ikke stemme. Jeg ble ikke lykkeligere med Jesus som min herre. Jeg hadde kommet til en enda verre familie. Jeg sa derfor til Gud at jeg ikke ville være hans mer. Jeg tenkte: hvem skal så være min herre? Jo da må det bli satan. Jeg inviterte satan inn i meg og klarte endelig å kjenne på hvor sint jeg var på mannen. Jeg ble rasende. Han satt i stua i stolen sin og jeg gikk bort til han sa: hvis det ikke hadde vært for at jeg kommer i fengsel for å drepe hadde jeg i dette øyeblikk hentet en kniv på kjøkkenet og drept deg her og nå. Jeg så han skjønte jeg mente det. At han endelig så meg var tilfredsstillende.

Jeg luktet dødt kjøtt dagen etter. Jeg tror det var fordi jeg ønsket at han var død. Jeg forbandt han med en gris og ville ikke lenger spise kjøtt. Jeg tok meg brødskiver med ost da jeg kunne fått svinekoteletter sammen med de andre. Mammaen sa til meg: det er mer fett i ost enn i de kotelettene, altså. Jeg tenkte: hva så? Hun: Hvis du tenker slanke deg er det bedre å spise kjøtt enn ost. Jeg ble overrasket over hennes råd. Var det slanke meg jeg burde gjøre? Ja, kanskje det er noe jeg burde! Jeg bestemte meg derfor for å slanke meg og bli vegetarianer. 

Da jeg forsøkte bearbeide opplevelsen av at mannen hadde forsøkt å komme seg inn til meg mot min vilje merket jeg at jeg trengte støtte. Jeg tenkte på pappa, men han dret i meg, mamma, hun bare betraktet meg som en byrde, venninnene mine, de bare ville snakke om gøyale ting, og de i huset hadde i hvert fall ikke kjærlighet. Jeg forsto at jeg var helt alene uten noen støtte. Alt inni meg ble til grus og rant ut, ned i det sorte tomrommet. Det var da jeg tenkte jeg måtte lage mitt eget støttesystem. Jeg måtte bli voksen i en fart. Jeg ville bare slanke meg først, så skulle jeg spise fornuftig, trene og få meg en annen jobb.

Jeg flyttet snart derfra og gikk ned 10 kilo på 3 måneder. Venninnene mine sa jeg burde stoppe fordi jeg var mer enn tynn nok. Selv så jeg det ikke, eller jeg så jeg var tynn, men jeg tenkte ikke selv på å slutte med å spise bare 500 kalorier daglig. Jeg hadde satt meg på en karusell som ikke stoppet av seg selv. Men jeg hørte på de, hoppet av karusellen og begynte å spise mer normalt. Det var første gangen jeg var aktivt anorektisk. Det endte bra da. Men slankingen hadde aktivert sykdommen. Eller var det bare mangelen på støtte som hadde gjort det?


14. juli 2016

Matt Stones advice for anorexia recovery

Anorexia
When someone loses weight this is accompanied by a large rise in catecholamines – the adrenal hormones that break down both fat and muscle tissue to be used as fuel. Along with the rise in catecholamines comes a rise in neurotransmitters dopamine and beta-endorphin. These are energizing. Pain goes away. A state of subtle euphoria sets in, and we get a little “high” from it. We are talking about opiate substances here, and they are very addictive – as addictive if not more addictive than actual opiate drugs. Very low carbohydrate eating often has the same impact, and while an anorexic can self-medicate by keeping carbs low enough to trigger dopamine and beta endorphin release, it is counterproductive to recovery for reasons explained below.

When levels are naturally low, substances or activities that spike these neurotransmitters are particularly alluring. That’s because a person that naturally has low levels of these neurotransmitters correspondingly has a lot of receptor sites wide open to capture this small amount of dopamine and beta endorphin. Anything that causes a surge of these chemicals causes quite a thrill ride.
At the same time, spiking these neurotransmitters results in what is called “downregulation” in which some of those wide open receptor sites close down. This is precisely what makes anything that spikes feel good brain chemicals habit forming and addictive. With a low production of dopamine and lots of wide open receptor sites, life feels good, balanced, stable, and normal. But with a low dopamine production and closed receptor sites life feels slow, sluggish, depressing, painful, and so on – the opposite of a dopamine high.

Once dopamine has been spiked enough, and enough receptor sites shut down – even if dopamine production is still the exact same as it was to begin with, the person feels nothing but withdrawals and has the experience of insufficient dopamine, beta endorphin, or whatever. They need increasingly larger spikes of these neurotransmitters just to feel normal, much less good, just like any true long-term drug addict or alcoholic.

To recover, I believe that there is no way around achieving “upregulation” in which the receptor sites for beta endorphin and dopamine open back up again – allowing you to feel normal with your naturally low production of those neurotransmitters instead of experiencing too little and having an unquenchable thirst for anything and everything that spikes it.

1) Eating frequent, starch-based, whole food meals at above-maintenance calorie levels. The food should actually be somewhat bland, in whole food format, with some, but not too much added fat or protein (protein raises adrenal hormones and associated neurotransmitters, and really good food, especially sweets mixed with fat, triggers a big release of opiates that you are looking to avoid). A non-vegetarian macrobiotic-ish diet would actually be decent for recovery. This will also help in fixing reactive hypoglycemia, which I would guess nearly all anorexics suffer from to some degree (although it too will exacerbate hypoglycemic symptoms in the short-term).
2) Sleep a lot, including regular naps.
3) Perform various relaxation techniques, from gentle yoga and breathing exercises to meditation.
4) Avoid stress as much as possible.
5) Avoid strenuous exercise.
6) Avoid stimulants.
7) Avoid drugs – recreational and psychoactive.
8) Avoid sweets.
9) Avoid anything overly pleasurable. The more miserable you are, the faster you are upregulating.

Bulimia shares a similar pathology. Know how miserable you feel right before puking and how euphoric and instantly healed you feel immediately after vomiting? That’s some endorphins for you. Addictive as hell if you do it enough to start shutting down your receptor sites.

It can take a while after VLC to re-establish the kind of gut bacteria needed to properly digest carbohydrate foods without them running right through you. I experienced this recently when I ate almost nothing but fruit for a week. The beginning of the week I hardly left the bathroom, but by the end I was passing about half as much, and without hershey squirts. I think you'll experience some level of the same.

As for fat gain, some is to be expected, and some is desired in your case. That doesn't mean you are destined to become highly overweight as you rebuild. In fact, after an intial "detox" type of period, you may find that eating a starch-based diet with some resistance exercise will make you look more like a fitness model than a frumpy 20 something. This is yet another reason why I am increasingly favoring overfeeding with reduced fat intake, especially for those concerned about gaining fat, and those coming off of low-carb, who always seem so capable of gaining fat on a high-fat and high-carb diet.

I actually find the ratios mentioned here to be pretty solid…
http://veganmaster.blogspot.com/2008/08/mnp-100-muscle-and-34-selected.html
You can also see that protein requirements are not that high, just 10-15% of calories. Many starchy foods are 10% protein or higher, which means that animal protein intake does not need to be very high – just a few ounces per day. Corn tortillas are fine. Just note that they have only about 12 grams of carbs per tortilla, so the usual 2-3 tortillas is pretty scant. 8-10 tortillas per meal – now we're talkin.'

I remain "open" to fruit sugars, but I still can't see how they are preferable other than they tend to contain more vitamin C and potassium than most starchy foods. In terms of raising body temperature, there's no doubt that starches (and lactose) are superior because of their impact on leptin (raise leptin, increase leptin sensitivity) vs. fructose which does not.
Perhaps someone with severe adrenal problems might benefit from snacking on fruit throughout the day, but my gut instinct tells me that the blood sugar instability from fructose might do more harm than good to someone trying to recover.

Example:

When I was coming off Zero Carb a year ago, I used white rice as my starch of choice.
I adapted Matt's original HED to a low fat high starch diet. I used white rice as a transition carb because it is very easy to digest and assimilate.
I would consume 3-5 meals a day mainly rice with a little vegetable and lean animal protein.
Doing this allowed my to enhance my carb tolerance quickly with no rebound fat gain eating more calories than I was when zero/vlc.
After eating like this for a month or so, you can expand your carb choices and experiment with how different ones treat you.

Any type of overfeeding increases insulin levels. When comparing high-starch overfeeding vs. high-fat overfeeding however, high-fat overfeeding does not raise the metabolism as much, increases the rate of calories stored in fat tissue, and decreases the amount stored in muscle tissue.
ALL forms of overfeeding discussed lowered blood sugar in both lean and obese subjects. 

The trick is to get high insulin levels to store excess calories into muscle tissue but not fat cells. The higher the starch to fat ratio, the higher the ratio of muscle to fat gained during calorie surplus. 
Too many carbs in relation to protein and you have too much serotonin and you feel sluggish and unproductive. Too little carbs and you feel anxious, jittery, nervous, and quick to anger.http://180degreehealth.com/serotonin-and-the-carbohydrate-to-protein-ratio/