Humiliations

I remember being humiliated several times and when it happened I was so embarrassed I wanted to disappear, shrink into thin air, but to walk away would not have helped. When I feel this I feel tiny and worthless, but from the outside, in others eyes, I see my body as huge because I feel so exposed, but speechless. I think this is why I want to make my body smaller. I try to avoid a new humiliation, to feel exposed and big. But it can happen at any size so it does not help at all. If I had expressed my anger the times it happened perhaps I would have kept my sanity. 

Why did you develop an eating disorder?

I have not yet found a common denominator among all who develop an ED. I can think of two that I have not seen mentioned anywhere and the first one is that we somehow- maybe from sexual abuse, comments on our body, growing up in an environment where looks is a hot topic, doing a sport that requires a thin body- was brought to focus a lot on our body and therefor used our body when we needed to solve an unsolvable problem. The unsolvable problem is cause nr 2. 

Lack of love. I can see many write on the famous ED forum they think they will be more loveable if they get thinner. I think they already lacked love in their life and because getting love is out of their control they try to do something to get it anyway. They try that by changing their body because of cause number one. A desperate attempt they know deep down will fail. If they grew up in an environment where being knowledgable was considered attractive I don't think they would have done the same. 

As a child we really need love from those closest to us so we pick up everything they say they approve and disapprove of. This way we also learn love is not unconditional; We have to be a certain way to be loved. If we hear a lot of talk about appearance we will believe this is highly valued by those who talk about it. No wonder we think of becoming thin when we need love then.

I don't think any of us would be destructive if we had the love we needed (the way we needed it to be shown to us) from those around us and was in a safe environment where we could be who we are. If those around us showed love without conditions we would not need to change, we could just follow our calling and live our life. 

As grown ups we can find people who do love us unconditionally and let go of changing our body.

Why anorexic people starve.

It is not hard to understand anorexia. When we starve we have less life energy. Why have energy when there is nothing to be happy about? When no one loves us? What is the point in staying strong when there is no one to be strong for? When you see no love anywhere what keeps you staying here? Food and love is connected somehow. Both nourishes you. To just have food, not love, just seems unbalanced to me. So we starve instead of killing ourselves quickly hoping love will catch us before we fall in the grave.

To all of you hating yourself.

I think the reason why you hate yourself is that you are not used to be appreciated. BUT THAT IS NOT BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU! It is the lack of love in human hearts. If someone look at, or rather in you, with the look of love they can see the beauty in your longing for beauty, wisdom, honesty, love, truth and justice. If the people around you had these deeds and treated you with these deeds, you would blossom. Love is connecting to the good in you so that will show. It will connect to the true you, the beauty and the love in you so that will show. And when you see that this is expressed from yourself you will be happy and appreciate yourself. 

It was never you. It was the lack of love in your surroundings. Love meets love, hate meets hate. You felt others hate, not love, and started hating yourself. You felt the hate, others unsatisfaction because they did not receive love either. Blaming, blaming, blaming someone, themselves or others, for the lack of love, the lack of perfection in the world. But the war against the symptoms of this lack of love, truth and so on will not bring what we all need from any heart. The imperfections will not disappear because of the hate. But love can bring forth what is good and what can make the imperfections disappear.

You deserved love and deserve love just because you are born as a loving creature. The materialism has sucked the love up so dwelling in that environment will make you hard, cold and unhappy. The masculine world is in power. It can look like that.  But there is another world in the world to be in. The feminine world. Think about the tiny little baby that are extremely vulnerable and need you to be utterly gentle and taking care of its needs. This pure love you will feel. That baby is you. That mother is also you. You are love and you are vulnerable and you deserve all the love there is.

Love is the like the sun, it shines on everyone just as much, no matter what they do, think and look like. The loving creature can not help it, it must love. That is just how it is. But you became afraid and shut your heart. Got shocked by the cruelty in the world, done by people who had closed their hearts because they also was shocked by the cruelty in the world. But we all want to be free to love. To shine like an etherical sun. Be mother for the whole earth. Having it all inside our hearts. 

You are love. Don't push that away with your anger. The anger is just a reaction to cruelty. Don't look at the cruelty. Look for the light in people's eyes, their happiness, the freedom, the will to do good to others, the longing for truth. Look for the good in the world that comes from beyond this hard surface.

Because this love exsist. The truth exsist. Justice exsist, And it is our job to find it and show it so everyone do the same and become happy. Love just want you to be happy! God is love. You are love. I love you. I know you are good and a beautiful beeing. You just have not expressed it yet. Long for love, have faith it will show and be brave enough to feel vulnerable so you attract what you long for. Find love and you will be able to express it too. And then you don't hate yourself anymore. See the light. It is in the birds eye, the flower. Everywhere. Take it in so you can feel it inside of you too. Don't shut yourself out from it. You deserve it just as much as every other creatures.

When I looked for love i also saw the opposite a lot. The ability to recognize the opposite is caused by the fact that you know love,  that you have it inside. To learn what is love and what is not (and an expression of the lost hope for love) is important so you can choose right. You see what is, you don't judge (because then you are into the negativity and anger and hate again) and you choose the best. The best for everybody.

Many have negative thoughts about their body but they don't develop an E.D.

I had negative thoughts about my body before I developed anorexia. But something bad happened before I was disturbed enough to make the change to be be anorexic. But if I had had someone to talk to about what happened to me I would not have developed anorexia. It was when i thought about the fact that i had noone to support me and talk to about what had happened I had to make a plan to take care of myself and grow up. So I wanted to diet because I had eaten like a child what ever I wanted and become chubby at the age of 16. But a few years later I just wanted to be like a child and not grow up. Not that I wanted anyone else to take care of me in a controlling way, but just to love me, be close. I got better control of my ED when i got a boyfriend that cared about me after having an ED for 5 years and isolated myself. Then i was able to eat regularily, but i was still very controlling and have been that ever since because i want to keep my weight lower than my body want me to.

Now I think I want a man that like me no matter size and that would be happy if I gained to my set point weight, and that found me more sexy the bigger I got. That is the support I need now to be almost fully recovered.