fengslende anoreksia

Ano er den fengslende vennen man er avhengig av
fordi man venter på den bekreftelsen man ennå ikke har fått av den. 
Den kritiske, betingelsesfulle. 
Bekreftelsen som kunne gjort oss frie til å bli uavhengige.  
Vi tror kanskje at om den mest kritiske og perfeksjonistiske vil anerkjenne oss, da er vi trygge. 
Det er bare det at vi ønsker det fra det mest umulige og utilfredsstillende sted. 
Og saken er at Ano kan ikke gi oss det. Den er ikke lagd for slik en oppgave
og kan således aldri bli fornøyd. Dessuten kan jo ingen bli perfekte
så lenge de vil korrigere noe Gud aldri har bedt oss bry oss med, 
nettopp fordi det tilhører det uperfekte jorderiket. Det var liksom sjelelivet som skulle perfeksjoneres, 
og dithen kommer ikke Ano til. 
Der er det kun Gud som er Herre. Han som kan gi anerkjennelse.

Anorexia, a compensation

Why is it so important to be thin and small? To compensate for the space I use when I'm in a room with others. To compensate for being dominating and attention seeking. I limit my food to compensate for my lack of limits for what I might say, express emotionally or do when I'm angry. I control my eating because I can't control my emotions, my words and actions. I have an uncontrollable anger that comes very quickly and is very fiery. I must eat little to compensate for my lack of modesty. Jesus said: It is not what you take in your mouth that makes you unclean, but what comes out of it.

Mr. Ano is not a devil.

Mr Ano is not a devil in diguise. He is just helping us be thin and stay thin. The lack of self accept and body accept is our own. The hate someone has towards themselves is their own. Mr Ano is just a helper we want to help us because we don't accept our body. When we can accept how we are Mr. Ano is gone. 

To all of you hating yourself.

I think the reason why you hate yourself is that you are not used to be appreciated. BUT THAT IS NOT BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU! It is the lack of love in human hearts. If someone look at, or rather in you, with the look of love they can see the beauty in your longing for beauty, wisdom, honesty, love, truth and justice. If the people around you had these deeds and treated you with these deeds, you would blossom. Love is connecting to the good in you so that will show. It will connect to the true you, the beauty and the love in you so that will show. And when you see that this is expressed from yourself you will be happy and appreciate yourself. 

It was never you. It was the lack of love in your surroundings. Love meets love, hate meets hate. You felt others hate, not love, and started hating yourself. You felt the hate, others unsatisfaction because they did not receive love either. Blaming, blaming, blaming someone, themselves or others, for the lack of love, the lack of perfection in the world. But the war against the symptoms of this lack of love, truth and so on will not bring what we all need from any heart. The imperfections will not disappear because of the hate. But love can bring forth what is good and what can make the imperfections disappear.

You deserved love and deserve love just because you are born as a loving creature. The materialism has sucked the love up so dwelling in that environment will make you hard, cold and unhappy. The masculine world is in power. It can look like that.  But there is another world in the world to be in. The feminine world. Think about the tiny little baby that are extremely vulnerable and need you to be utterly gentle and taking care of its needs. This pure love you will feel. That baby is you. That mother is also you. You are love and you are vulnerable and you deserve all the love there is.

Love is the like the sun, it shines on everyone just as much, no matter what they do, think and look like. The loving creature can not help it, it must love. That is just how it is. But you became afraid and shut your heart. Got shocked by the cruelty in the world, done by people who had closed their hearts because they also was shocked by the cruelty in the world. But we all want to be free to love. To shine like an etherical sun. Be mother for the whole earth. Having it all inside our hearts. 

You are love. Don't push that away with your anger. The anger is just a reaction to cruelty. Don't look at the cruelty. Look for the light in people's eyes, their happiness, the freedom, the will to do good to others, the longing for truth. Look for the good in the world that comes from beyond this hard surface.

Because this love exsist. The truth exsist. Justice exsist, And it is our job to find it and show it so everyone do the same and become happy. Love just want you to be happy! God is love. You are love. I love you. I know you are good and a beautiful beeing. You just have not expressed it yet. Long for love, have faith it will show and be brave enough to feel vulnerable so you attract what you long for. Find love and you will be able to express it too. And then you don't hate yourself anymore. See the light. It is in the birds eye, the flower. Everywhere. Take it in so you can feel it inside of you too. Don't shut yourself out from it. You deserve it just as much as every other creatures.

When I looked for love i also saw the opposite a lot. The ability to recognize the opposite is caused by the fact that you know love,  that you have it inside. To learn what is love and what is not (and an expression of the lost hope for love) is important so you can choose right. You see what is, you don't judge (because then you are into the negativity and anger and hate again) and you choose the best. The best for everybody.

at my fathers place

Just remembered

When I tried to live with my father at the age of 18, and my father talked to me for the first time about that I ate very little, he said with a scornful tone that he knew about a girl with bulimia. I said I wanted to get in contact with her (did not know others with ED) and he said: "no, because then you will get even worse!" ( what would be worse than eating 200 calories a day? Ahaa! He feared bulimia!) I got mad for his stupidity and controlling behaviour so I binged and purged so he could hear it. I knew it would irritate him  and it made me happy I could show him who was in charge.

I did not stay more than 3 months. I left before I had no energy left to move to another place. Cause my weight loss did not make him love me. There was nothing i could do to make him love me.

How to build true confidence

1. It’s not about having to tell yourself stories in order to have confidence. You simply remove the stories that are making you feel like you don’t have confidence.

2. Certain things are going to take time to learn, and that’s OK. Be aware that things will unfold as they need to and give yourself the space to learn, try, and explore through the journey. You don’t have to be perfect right away and so confidence shouldn’t be an issue.

3. If you are looking for physical confidence in how you look, first ask yourself why you don’t have confidence to begin with. What story are you telling yourself about your appearance that takes away your innate knowledge that you are perfect just as you are?

The idea of “building confidence” is ultimately an illusion we buy into in order to experience temporary spurts of feeling OK about ourselves and what we are doing. Ultimately, it comes down to bringing it within vs looking outside for validation of your “confidence.”

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2015/03/12/how-to-build-true-confidence/

Enough space.

Are you sure you are too big? Is it not the room for you that is too small? If you are used to be with people who take up all the space, you should not take it personally and think you value less. More important than that others have room for you is that you have room in your heart for you. Don't restrict to take up less space. Take the space you need.