Spellbound

The following is written a little black and white to make it easier to understand and instead of the word "you" it could have been written "me". 

When the people around you that matter to you don't see you, only your body, naturally you will use your body to communicate to them that you are not your body, by shrinking it to say: See, I can shrink it, so it can't be me! 

Criticism can be like a spell that binds you to the critical persons view. You understand they only accept you if you live up to their liking, so instead of saying: "I am finding someone else to be around. Someone who accept me the way I am" you stay, because you don't know anyone who can see you for who you are. Everyone you know is the same way; Only seeing the obvious, not your soul,  so you are either trapped or on your own. As trapped you think: Ok, if I only make sure I am as thin as they want me to be, they will accept me and I can be fully me, free and seen. Its just my body that is the problem. That should be possible to fix.

But if they could not see you beyond the body when your appearance was not accepted, they never will. They could not meet your need of being seen beyond the body and kind of put the blame on your body for this lack. Your body was never the problem, but their lack of ability or willingness to see beyond it, and every body else, for that matter, was.

Their criticism trapped you. They got you now so they did not have to spend their life alone even though they only cared about themselves. They knew they could not attract you with love so instead they bound you with a spell implying you are unworthy of their love instead of admitting they have none. If they got you to focus on your body they could keep on focusing on the material stuff in peace. They had you in their world. The physical world. People like that will not compliment you or acknowledge ever, so you can be stuck there for eternity. You will never experience what you hoped for, to eventually be seen, to feel free. You will instead never feel you are thin enough because the love never shows. No matter how thin you get they are still just focusing on your body.

This goes for men as well. They see your body. See you as an object. No matter what you weigh they still do this. You are trapped in the physical world. 

I wish I had rejected my parents much earlier and been on my own until I finally found someone who could see me instead of being in this trap for so long. So many years went by before I had to give up the hope of being loved by them. So many years of misery. 

Do not do the same mistake as me. It is not the body that needs to change. You need to change what you focus on even though others don't. Let the people who only care about the physical plane care about it without you. Move on to the psychological, express your emotions, find your true values, your calling and find the reality. Leave the illusions behind and let those who love them live in them until they feel trapped and need you to help them out.

Medication paradise

I had a weird experience today. I found my new medication Lamictal take away my stress the first day I used it, my constant little fear. Today on day 3 it has made me think differently about my body! My husband said I looked stronger today after I had been to the gym, but I said he probably just imagined it. I felt sad he thought I lifted heavier and heavier and that I had to tell him I can not, that I am not strong, I am not having enough fuel to replenish afterwards, I get too much pain and what not. Really unhappy because I could not train to get stronger as he thought. I asked myself later why I got sad because of that when I have always wanted to look skinny and not be muscular. Then I saw an image of myself as bigger, with more muscles and more fat and I loved that image of myself. I was like: What? How is that possible? That has never happened before! It must be the medication that makes me think differently as it removes my fear. Without the constant fear I no longer see the need to be skinny. It is so weird to be changed so radically and that rapidly! But it is also great. It means I can get much healthier. I can allow myself to increase my calories even when I start to gain weight from the number of calories I eat in the reverse diet that I do, because I will use that energy to get healthy and strong. I then asked myself: If I knew before taking the medication it would make me want to gain weight willingly, would I still take it? The answer was no, no way.! But now I am happy I am one step ahead. 

ED is just fear based! When the fear is gone the ED is out the window with it. Before this happened, at the gym, something happened that can be related to the change of mindset. I had to cry, which I normally do every day anyway. The difference this time was that an image of my mum looking malicious came up with it. It was like she came up through my throat and I had to feel her on the way out of me. By seeing and feeling this evil aspect of her I felt so much better afterwards. Was I relieved from the cause of my fear? She used to scorn me. Always hanging over my shoulder to look for something to criticise me for. It made me into a perfectionist, constantly stressed and afraid of criticism ever since. Seems like my ED is an evil spirit created from the traumatic impact my mum had on me. She became a part of me; Just like she harassed me in my childhood she harasses me in my adult life as a spirit within, making me just as unfree as when she hung over my shoulder. Well, that was up until now. She is out now and no longer have any power over me because the fear is gone.

After a day or two another cause of why I get stressed appeared. What I assume others expects from me. Now I will try to ask people directly if I worry they expect something I don't want to give them. The reason why it stresses me is that my mum used to criticise me and complain when I did not live up to all her unreasonable expectations. I also was in a relationship with a selfish guy who did not talk to me for a week or two if I did not do as he wanted me to, which happened a lot.

Then the third and last, it seems, reason came to my awareness. That I put the bar high for myself to always give correct information and be totally honest. Before I started the medication and lacked patience and detachment to my thoughts it was hard to prepare what to say properly. I also tried to say what I was to say as quick as possible because I  feared the attention span of the listener was very limited. Because I often didn't express myself as correct as I wanted to I was sometimes worried my message was misunderstood and had to correct myself afterwards. With Lamictal I am not so impatient, are calmer and are more detached to my thoughts so I can prepare better what to say so I fulfil my own expectations to be correct better,