From reverse dieting to food freedom

I am trying to find a way to go from reverse dieting to food freedom. 

I increased calories by doing reverse dieting instead of going all in. I could do so because I had not restricted hard and long this time. I started gaining when I increased to 2100, so I stopped, went back to 2000 and had to think. Will I track calories forever making sure I only eat 2000 so I don't gain, which is very similar to tracking when I restricted, or shall I let go of the control? I was thinking for months before I decided to take baby steps by first following a meal plan that is 2100 calories because I am hungry for more than 2000, stop going to the gym and stop following triggering people at instagram, instead just take daily walks in the forest and do some yoga now and then. So now I am following a meal plan where I measure everything to make sure I eat a set amount, but are not allowed to track to get the precise calorie intake for each day as I used to. I need to get rid of the habit of tracking everything, that is why. After a few weeks I will let my body have a bit more if it wants, like an orange, so I reach 2200 daily and even 2 and reach 2300 after that. Then I will throw away the list and eat freely, which will probably be very similar. But then I am very close to free.

What motivates me to get completely well from anorexia is to help others get free from ED prison too. I can not help anyone completely before I am over my own fears of weight gain. Which has been frustrating.

I am aware I may feel repulsed by a bigger body if I get one, but I will remind myself that this repulsion is from seeing myself through the eyes of my mum who was very critical, negative and so often looked at me with contempt, and that this contempt had nothing to do with my body, but her anger and hate towards my dad. I want to be free to eat in a way I support my body as best as I can. I want to feel good in my own skin. A pill for people with anorexia is supporting me. (Cyproheptadine) It makes me sleep better and enjoy food more. It takes away the stress so I feel like a kid again. Safe in my skin. I will eliminate my fears with love and understanding.

Edit 17 may. The plan was to increase calories slowly from 2000, but I was hungry for more than that and added orange and longed for full freedom so I went all in instead. After a few days of eating maybe 2400 a day I am no longer hungry for that much and ate maybe 2100 today. I thought yesterday that I might gain a lot by letting go of the boundaries, but I guess I am not going to gain much at all. It seems like I have balanced out calorie vice. I have already gained a few kilos so I am no longer underweight, but I am fine not being skinny. I am glad as long as I have a thigh gap. But I will not hinder the gap to be filled in if the body wants that.

I panicked once by the thought that I don't know if I eat more than before or not, but it lasted just a second. I reminded myself that when ever I am hungry I don't need to fear, but trust that the body needs it and give the body food. Normal people knows roughly how much they need every day and how many meals. I will do the same. Some structure is needed for everyone. I just went too far with it. 

Edit 25 june. I made a meal plan to have some structure, but I had no desire to follow it to the t so I went quickly back to calorie counting. I now eat 2300 daily so I am doing better anyway since I dare to eat enough. By counting I feel like I have reins on the horse to make sure I don't overeat as i would hate to gain unnecessary weight. To quit the calorie counting have to wait a little longer. Maybe do it one day here and there until I don't see the point anymore.

I also don't weigh my body. Since I ate 1600 a day weighing 51 till now eating 2300 my guess is I have gained 6 kg. 

Medication paradise

I had a weird experience today. I found my new medication Lamictal take away my stress the first day I used it, my constant little fear. Today on day 3 it has made me think differently about my body! My husband said I looked stronger today after I had been to the gym, but I said he probably just imagined it. I felt sad he thought I lifted heavier and heavier and that I had to tell him I can not, that I am not strong, I am not having enough fuel to replenish afterwards, I get too much pain and what not. Really unhappy because I could not train to get stronger as he thought. I asked myself later why I got sad because of that when I have always wanted to look skinny and not be muscular. Then I saw an image of myself as bigger, with more muscles and more fat and I loved that image of myself. I was like: What? How is that possible? That has never happened before! It must be the medication that makes me think differently as it removes my fear. Without the constant fear I no longer see the need to be skinny. It is so weird to be changed so radically and that rapidly! But it is also great. It means I can get much healthier. I can allow myself to increase my calories even when I start to gain weight from the number of calories I eat in the reverse diet that I do, because I will use that energy to get healthy and strong. I then asked myself: If I knew before taking the medication it would make me want to gain weight willingly, would I still take it? The answer was no, no way.! But now I am happy I am one step ahead. 

ED is just fear based! When the fear is gone the ED is out the window with it. Before this happened, at the gym, something happened that can be related to the change of mindset. I had to cry, which I normally do every day anyway. The difference this time was that an image of my mum looking malicious came up with it. It was like she came up through my throat and I had to feel her on the way out of me. By seeing and feeling this evil aspect of her I felt so much better afterwards. Was I relieved from the cause of my fear? She used to scorn me. Always hanging over my shoulder to look for something to criticise me for. It made me into a perfectionist, constantly stressed and afraid of criticism ever since. Seems like my ED is an evil spirit created from the traumatic impact my mum had on me. She became a part of me; Just like she harassed me in my childhood she harasses me in my adult life as a spirit within, making me just as unfree as when she hung over my shoulder. Well, that was up until now. She is out now and no longer have any power over me because the fear is gone.

After a day or two another cause of why I get stressed appeared. What I assume others expects from me. Now I will try to ask people directly if I worry they expect something I don't want to give them. The reason why it stresses me is that my mum used to criticise me and complain when I did not live up to all her unreasonable expectations. I also was in a relationship with a selfish guy who did not talk to me for a week or two if I did not do as he wanted me to, which happened a lot.

Then the third and last, it seems, reason came to my awareness. That I put the bar high for myself to always give correct information and be totally honest. Before I started the medication and lacked patience and detachment to my thoughts it was hard to prepare what to say properly. I also tried to say what I was to say as quick as possible because I  feared the attention span of the listener was very limited. Because I often didn't express myself as correct as I wanted to I was sometimes worried my message was misunderstood and had to correct myself afterwards. With Lamictal I am not so impatient, are calmer and are more detached to my thoughts so I can prepare better what to say so I fulfil my own expectations to be correct better,

Reverse dieting.

Reverse dieting is carefully increasing your calories after a period of drastic deficit with the goal of maintaining weight. Bulking on the other hand is eating a calorie surplus with the goal of gaining weight. Reverse dieting is a means to bring back to normal, a persons BMR that has been damaged due to drastic dieting. It is not as effective on a person who has not had damage to their BMR from drastic dieting and simply wants to try and increase their normal BMR. Utilized properly it is an appropriate intermediary step into a muscle building bulking phase following a fat shredding cutting period. 

In short in Norwegian: 
Når du vil beholde vekta:

Reverse dieting er å øke kalori-inntaket med med 50 - 100 kalorier fra karbohydrater eller fett  daglig  i syv dager , deretter innta 50-100 oppå der daglig i neste uke. Altså hvis du normalt inntar 1500 kalorier skal du innta 1550 i syv dager, 1600 de neste syv dagene osv. Vei deg ukentlig. Flere uker kan gå uten at du går opp i vekt. Når du så ser at du har gått opp skal du slutte å innta de 50-100 kalorier ekstra, men holde deg på det antall kalorier du har kommet opp til. Du skal på denne sakte måten unngå vektøkning. Hvis du i utgangspunktet trenger å redusere vekten kan du gjøre det når du har kommet frem til max kalori-inntak, og redusere inntaket med 15 % av dette max- kalori-inntaket. Men vent til kroppen har blitt vant til det økte inntaket en stund.

The best thing to do is to slowly increase your DAILY calories by 50-100 each week. With this small amount you should not see much change on the scale. If you do, you can remain at the same number of calories for another week and try increasing the following week. If you jump from 1200 to 2000 calories overnight, there will likely be fat storage, but increasing your calories by 50-100 on a weekly basis will give you body a chance to adapt. Whatever you're eating now start increasing by 50-100 calories per week. Continue doing this until you hit maintenance calories. Then, cut your intake by 15%. So if you're eating 1500 calories per day this week, next week it would be 1550. Carbohydrates are most effective at raising leptin levels as compared to fat and protein. 

After reverse dieting for a period of time you will come to a point where you have maxed out on the level at which you can increase your maintenance calories (without gaining weight).Once you are there and the world is at peace you have two choices to make: continue increasing your calorie consumption and begin bulking (aka adding muscle) or start back towards the way you came and drop body fat through a calorie deficient diet.  With either option, it is wise to stay at your new maintenance calorie level for a period of time to give you and your body some homeostasis and a fresh point at which to start your new transition.

For underweight people:

In order to gain weight and build muscle, you simply need to eat more. Try adding something additional each day for a week, approximately 50-100 additional calories. If you do not start to see any weight gain, add something else to your daily intake to increase another 50-100 calories. Keep increasing your intake slowly until you start to see your weight increase then hold at those calories until you stop gaining and slowly add more again. If you are recovering from ED, continue reverse dieting until you are at a healthy weight and maybe even continue into a bulking period and gain a little fat. If you are reverse dieting correctly you should only be putting on minimal fat, so don’t be overly alarmed. 

http://averagefitnessfreak.com/reverse-dieting-eat-more-and-maintain-weight/

How many calories? :Take your current body weight in pounds and multiply it by 14 and 17. Somewhere in between those 2 amounts will usually be your daily calorie maintenance level. A 180lb person would do 180 x 14 and 180 x 17 and get an estimated daily calorie maintenance level of somewhere between 2520-3060 calories. People who are female, older, less active or feel they have a “slow metabolism” should probably stick more towards the lower end of their estimate. People who are male, younger, more active, or feel they have a “fast metabolism” should probably stick more towards the higher end of their estimate.