Medication paradise

I had a weird experience today. I found my new medication Lamictal take away my stress the first day I used it, my constant little fear. Today on day 3 it has made me think differently about my body! My husband said I looked stronger today after I had been to the gym, but I said he probably just imagined it. I felt sad he thought I lifted heavier and heavier and that I had to tell him I can not, that I am not strong, I am not having enough fuel to replenish afterwards, I get too much pain and what not. Really unhappy because I could not train to get stronger as he thought. I asked myself later why I got sad because of that when I have always wanted to look skinny and not be muscular. Then I saw an image of myself as bigger, with more muscles and more fat and I loved that image of myself. I was like: What? How is that possible? That has never happened before! It must be the medication that makes me think differently as it removes my fear. Without the constant fear I no longer see the need to be skinny. It is so weird to be changed so radically and that rapidly! But it is also great. It means I can get much healthier. I can allow myself to increase my calories even when I start to gain weight from the number of calories I eat in the reverse diet that I do, because I will use that energy to get healthy and strong. I then asked myself: If I knew before taking the medication it would make me want to gain weight willingly, would I still take it? The answer was no, no way.! But now I am happy I am one step ahead. 

ED is just fear based! When the fear is gone the ED is out the window with it. Before this happened, at the gym, something happened that can be related to the change of mindset. I had to cry, which I normally do every day anyway. The difference this time was that an image of my mum looking malicious came up with it. It was like she came up through my throat and I had to feel her on the way out of me. By seeing and feeling this evil aspect of her I felt so much better afterwards. Was I relieved from the cause of my fear? She used to scorn me. Always hanging over my shoulder to look for something to criticise me for. It made me into a perfectionist, constantly stressed and afraid of criticism ever since. Seems like my ED is an evil spirit created from the traumatic impact my mum had on me. She became a part of me; Just like she harassed me in my childhood she harasses me in my adult life as a spirit within, making me just as unfree as when she hung over my shoulder. Well, that was up until now. She is out now and no longer have any power over me because the fear is gone.

After a day or two another cause of why I get stressed appeared. What I assume others expects from me. Now I will try to ask people directly if I worry they expect something I don't want to give them. The reason why it stresses me is that my mum used to criticise me and complain when I did not live up to all her unreasonable expectations. I also was in a relationship with a selfish guy who did not talk to me for a week or two if I did not do as he wanted me to, which happened a lot.

Then the third and last, it seems, reason came to my awareness. That I put the bar high for myself to always give correct information and be totally honest. Before I started the medication and lacked patience and detachment to my thoughts it was hard to prepare what to say properly. I also tried to say what I was to say as quick as possible because I  feared the attention span of the listener was very limited. Because I often didn't express myself as correct as I wanted to I was sometimes worried my message was misunderstood and had to correct myself afterwards. With Lamictal I am not so impatient, are calmer and are more detached to my thoughts so I can prepare better what to say so I fulfil my own expectations to be correct better,