What can make me well from my ED?

I just realised that what I thought was the causes of my anorexia really was not. I thought it was neglect and trauma. Partly yes, but I think the main cause was simply that what I saw as my main focus in life was taken away from me when I was 12 and never replaced with something else I loved and was time consuming as that. I was obsessed with classical ballet and hoped to be a professional dancer in the future. Then suddenly my mum said she could no longer afford to pay ballet lessons so I had to quit. She looked so sad when she said it so I decided to be selfless and not protest. A few months later I discover she has used money on plastic surgery. I was mad and felt betrayed, but I didn't say anything. I just rejected her from my heart. My life was empty then because everything I had done earlier was to perfect my dancing skills by improving my jumps, strength, flexibility, technique and grace. No point in doing that anymore so I looked at what my best friend was into. She was into food. So I started making food as a hobby together with her, but after a while I gained weight and I was not happy. I got into food on my own way instead, by becoming vegetarian and dieting. When that became hell I thought if I started doing drugs I might forget about the food, so I tried that for a year, but I just got occupied with both instead and eating way too little.

Maybe I need something time consuming to perfect, little by little. To perfect being skinny must as we know end in death because perfectly skinny is the skinniest, is it not? The recent years I have tried to perfect being healthy more than to perfect being skinny, but it is nothing to write home about, you know. To accomplish something that helps people or improves the world slightly would be so much better. Healthy people focus on their work, trying to perfect it. At least those who have the perfectionistic personality as many with anorexia has. I did get into poetry and God for many years and after that taking care of a son. I was not too focused on food then. It was still a priority to be skinny, but it was not the most important thing in my life to think about. I just ate habitually. So do I just need something to focus on and perfect to get rid of my ED? 

I thought so for a few minutes, but if that was the case I should have been well while having my son, but I was at my lowest weight then. I remember now there was something else in the center of my life before I got obsessed with ballet. Dad, my rock. He chose to not be my dad anymore when I was ten and left, hoping my mum would find another dad for me. He did not say that before he was about to die many years later, but I was shocked the one I thought loved me and that I loved so much would suddenly leave me as if we had no history together. I never got over it. I cried for so many years as an adult because I missed him and could not understand why he left me. So I don't know what to do to get back to how it was before I developed an ED. 

I think it is too late to get the same result by going back to something similar as in my childhood, though because I know people are not to be trusted now. I loved my son, but I was still obsessed with my ED. I was very into God and poetry, but I was still having an ED. It is not about being loved either because I am married to a man who loves me, but I am not attached. We are both individualists, both neglected and rejected by both our parents. So what can make me well now? I have thought I need another man, someone who can love me the way I think I need. Someone more emotionally available, someone who can see me on a deeper level, but even that won't help me to get rid of the ED, probably. 

If I should take a guess it is only by my decision to throw the ED out of my inner house I can get well. Just like I decided to start dieting I can stop it. By no longer give a fuck about how much fat is on my body and prioritise selfless actions for others. I think my ED is me, but in reality it is the voice of my mum. She is very careful with what she eats and always pay attention to how much fat is on her stomach. She is so tiny now at age 85. I can have God and the service of mankind as the center of my life. I know God heals me if I let him. He has healed me bit by bit each time I said I was ready for it. But it is not only the love I receive that will save me. It is the love I give. When I give selflessly I am free from myself. It is freedom. It is love. Appearance doesn't matter then. What matters then is we are united and love is all there is.