Enough food = Happiness.

When we get enough food into our bodies it is so much easier to be happy. We don't need a reason to be happy. If we just stop looking for something about ourselves to criticise, but rather be happy about how things are instead, there is room for happiness to take place. I am gaining these days and I see I am getting fat on my stomach and hips, but my mood is great so i can actually find the fat making my body look charming. In my last recovery attempt I knew I would gain a lot and i did, but my fear of getting that big had nothing to do with reality. I did not get humiliated in public and no one said anything negative about my weight. I was still me, just in a bigger body. And a bigger size frightened me earlier. I was afraid of being more visible and possibly a target for attack, but I am stronger now and enough food makes me strong enough to deal with it. What will I be attacked for? What I say that can be offensive, right? I will use my self control to control what comes out of my mouth rather than the amount of food that comes in. If I can take responsibility for everything about me nothing will be perceived as an attack.

Sexuality and control (will).

I have had a rise in kundalini in two periods of time. As a new Bahai (23 years), and later lasting almost 2 years. As a new Bahai and very fond of nature I learned about sexuality as something very close to earth, like I also found God in nature. I then learned to accept this force as something stronger than me I should not try to control how to move (or suppress). I felt my pride go (shame related to sexuality was rinsed out) when i tried to understand its will. It was hard to understand then because my intuition was not developed much yet.

The next time it happened several years later I understood the purity of sexual energy, worked through my fear of mens sexuality and found my own. I also found my authenticity. It made it impossible to go against my conviction. I understood a lot (with the assistance from God) obviously. I couldn't grasp thoughts normally in this state so God sendt visions to my questions.

Even though I was filled to the edge with sexual energy every day I never touched myself once. I focused on it every day, felt the energy as a meditation object to make it even stronger to challange myself. I also had a hope it would give me the energy I didn't allow myself from food, ha ha. That didn't happen. You can't exercise on sexual energy. Once every 6 weeks when I wasn't able to control myself anymore because the energy was so tense and overwhelming I let my control go to the energy. The sexual energy had a will on its own and I subjected to it as a way of working on my control issues. I understood the will in it was the same as Gods will. My intuition was much better at this point. The energy wanted to heal my body. So when I moved my body the way it wanted me to (a little similar to yoga asanas in a slow pace) I perceived it as making love with God, and when I moved my body in these positions the energy could fill up every fibre of my body. When I was filled I felt the energy go over to a higher plane and the tension was finally gone.

A new 6 weeks with meditation and no touching followed, increasing the tention once again till the unbearable. This practise of mine is something I made up myself. It doesn't belong to any religion, but is inspired by Buddhism and Bahai, making me find tantra myself.

Control

It's easier to control the intake of food than to control my temper and feelings like embarrassment, jealousy and feeling hurt. Before, I did not trust my ability to have control over my emotions in public and haven't accepted them either, so to starve the power in them away has made it easier. I have increased the accept for both my temper and emotions as I have grown and I feel I have more control because of that. Like I can feel jealousy, but I can understand it and then stop feeling it, because it's not useful for much else than to be recognized and understood. Sometimes I can't help but cry or lose my temper, but I am not ashamed of that anymore. I'm not proud of it either, of course, but I accept that it happens, because I can't control it.

Now the worst is when someone wants to control me or my life. To feel powerless. That is the worst. Then I want to do something, but if there is nothing I can do to change it, then it is a comfort to control my body at least.

Answering a question about appetite control.

You say you eat all the nuts if they are in the house and you start eating. What if you make a rule and say that when you eat nuts you take so and so many grams and that more is out of the question? You measure, put the bag back to the place you store it, and not before then you eat it. Then you have made your self a portion. Just an idea that works for me. I eat nuts twice a day, so I don't feel the need to eat a lot of it when I do, because I know that within just hours I will be able to eat it again. I also need to up my calories. I then use more sources of fat, like avocado, tahini, butter and olive oil. The food get tastier and tastier:) I also think recovery is great because then I can eat "unsweetened"(stevia) chocolate. That has a lot of calories. I make a potion with chocolate too because eating a lot is tempting. But I want to be in control of my desires, and this way I can enjoy it without feeling bad afterwards. Best of luck.