Sexuality and control (will).

I have had a rise in kundalini in two periods of time. As a new Bahai (23 years), and later lasting almost 2 years. As a new Bahai and very fond of nature I learned about sexuality as something very close to earth, like I also found God in nature. I then learned to accept this force as something stronger than me I should not try to control how to move (or suppress). I felt my pride go (shame related to sexuality was rinsed out) when i tried to understand its will. It was hard to understand then because my intuition was not developed much yet.

The next time it happened several years later I understood the purity of sexual energy, worked through my fear of mens sexuality and found my own. I also found my authenticity. It made it impossible to go against my conviction. I understood a lot (with the assistance from God) obviously. I couldn't grasp thoughts normally in this state so God sendt visions to my questions.

Even though I was filled to the edge with sexual energy every day I never touched myself once. I focused on it every day, felt the energy as a meditation object to make it even stronger to challange myself. I also had a hope it would give me the energy I didn't allow myself from food, ha ha. That didn't happen. You can't exercise on sexual energy. Once every 6 weeks when I wasn't able to control myself anymore because the energy was so tense and overwhelming I let my control go to the energy. The sexual energy had a will on its own and I subjected to it as a way of working on my control issues. I understood the will in it was the same as Gods will. My intuition was much better at this point. The energy wanted to heal my body. So when I moved my body the way it wanted me to (a little similar to yoga asanas in a slow pace) I perceived it as making love with God, and when I moved my body in these positions the energy could fill up every fibre of my body. When I was filled I felt the energy go over to a higher plane and the tension was finally gone.

A new 6 weeks with meditation and no touching followed, increasing the tention once again till the unbearable. This practise of mine is something I made up myself. It doesn't belong to any religion, but is inspired by Buddhism and Bahai, making me find tantra myself.

Mens clothes

I buy mens clothes. I have done it since I was 16. Then I used ties and smoked using a pipe:)
When I am weight restored i will buy myself a nice suit.

I love hoodies. They are perfect for warming the neck when outside and they are comfy as I wear them in many sizes too big. The clothes can't be tight. I mostly wear thick cotton sweatpants, and love large mens shirts, mens boots, baggy jeans and winter jackets! I feel more feminine with mens clothes and more masculine in womens clothes. I only had a pair of heels when i learned to dance tango. I have a male friend who think women looks better in male clothes because they look more feminine then. He wears clothes that gives an illusion that he is hard and cruel, but when he shows his feelings he is the opposite of that illusion.

I think some of the reason I wear these clothes is that I don't want people to expect anything old fashion female from me, like my mothers vanity that takes her to serve men and reducing her self to an object in the process. I was surprised when she wanted me to be like her, a hostess too, when i was 14 or so. I was like: Really???

I would never put my self under a man like that and live to be desirable for men. I want to make that perfectly clear by my clothes that I do not want to look sexy and I do not want men to think I will please their desires.

To be skinny has been a way to not draw attention to my tits and ass, or the lack of them, but clothing will help a lot too.

I remember why I started wearing mens clothes so I know why i did it. It was when I began restricting my sexuality. Restricting eating was a perfect way to do it too, i found out the same year. Did any of you want to restrict your sexual desires too? In my teens I was scared of how attracted I was to boys and how much sexual energy I had. It was just too much to handle and I wasn't yet muture enough to have a serious relationship. And because I was immature it was hard to get attention from men and boys on other parts of me. All attention was drawn to my body. At this age I felt I really needed to get attention on a deeper level so I could get to know myself. When it seemed impossible to experience that anyone asked me anything to find out who I was I started my own project starving my appetites so i could find out myself who I was. By starving and make sure boys and men didn't look at me as an object with my new clothing style I got rid of distractions on the path of self discovery. It has been successfull. In my world everyone seemed self centered so this was my way of doing it on my own. With the help of God from age 21 when my eating stabilised and appeared more normal.

I still experience that people aren't interested in me (just them selves), but now I think I just have to make them interested. Talk even though they haven't asked me anything. (I have waited forever for that to happen.) Love myself so much that i take care of my self enough to talk when I need to and not wait for "permission". I think it still sucks when people don't listen very well, but at least I can express myself, listen to myself and reflect on that.

May 31, 2016 |