Don't hold it in

Isaiah 48:10
Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.

Zechariah 13:9
And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’”

My self discovering journey in short

When I was a teenager I didn't feel I belonged in any of the groups of people I knew about. In one group the focus was all laughs and fun, but doing very boring things. The other was destructive, talking negatively and using drugs. There was no exploring! I went on my own instead and into the world of anorexia. I missed love. I missed my father and a close relationship to my mother and/or anyone, really. I missed that someone with love would attract something within me so I could see what was there.

After being on my own for 5 years I met an older guy who had love and I had to make him fall in love with me. He did. He was caring and his love connected me to the greatest love within me, Gods love. Then I didn't need him anymore. He felt rejected and found someone else. Then, with the connection to God, I found out who I was, slowly and steadily. God didn't judge, so I was free to feel, think, express and want what ever. His tolerance became my tolerance. I was no longer ashamed of my emotions and needs. Those emotions and needs made me aware of who I was.

I got interested in all religions, philosophy, spiritual development and art as a way to express my self as I got to know myself. I started painting, and ended up writing. That has been my thing for many years now.

I think we are divine. I think when connected to God we get to know our selves, our lower self, the unpermanent that only is made for this world, as well as the everlasting self that is close to and a reflection of God. It is not strange that I felt unfullfilled and lost when I had no connection to God who could make me see what great potensial I had inside me. People in comparison have a tendency to narrow others down because we live in a competative and materialistic society. No wonder we want out, or in, to find our own ground.

Sexuality and control (will).

I have had a rise in kundalini in two periods of time. As a new Bahai (23 years), and later lasting almost 2 years. As a new Bahai and very fond of nature I learned about sexuality as something very close to earth, like I also found God in nature. I then learned to accept this force as something stronger than me I should not try to control how to move (or suppress). I felt my pride go (shame related to sexuality was rinsed out) when i tried to understand its will. It was hard to understand then because my intuition was not developed much yet.

The next time it happened several years later I understood the purity of sexual energy, worked through my fear of mens sexuality and found my own. I also found my authenticity. It made it impossible to go against my conviction. I understood a lot (with the assistance from God) obviously. I couldn't grasp thoughts normally in this state so God sendt visions to my questions.

Even though I was filled to the edge with sexual energy every day I never touched myself once. I focused on it every day, felt the energy as a meditation object to make it even stronger to challange myself. I also had a hope it would give me the energy I didn't allow myself from food, ha ha. That didn't happen. You can't exercise on sexual energy. Once every 6 weeks when I wasn't able to control myself anymore because the energy was so tense and overwhelming I let my control go to the energy. The sexual energy had a will on its own and I subjected to it as a way of working on my control issues. I understood the will in it was the same as Gods will. My intuition was much better at this point. The energy wanted to heal my body. So when I moved my body the way it wanted me to (a little similar to yoga asanas in a slow pace) I perceived it as making love with God, and when I moved my body in these positions the energy could fill up every fibre of my body. When I was filled I felt the energy go over to a higher plane and the tension was finally gone.

A new 6 weeks with meditation and no touching followed, increasing the tention once again till the unbearable. This practise of mine is something I made up myself. It doesn't belong to any religion, but is inspired by Buddhism and Bahai, making me find tantra myself.