I don't freak out when I see I've gained fat even though that was my biggest fear most of my life. How did that change?
Before I starved myself I was very disappointed that people couldn't see me, but only my body. I wanted them to know I am not my body, look deeper, please! But I didn't say that. I communicated that by starving my body. When the body that supposedly was me became smaller how could that be me? The body can not starve it self willingly, can it? There must be some will apart from the body that is in control. And that is me, you guys, not the body. My parents was extremely materialistic. They only cared about what could be seen and their own appearance. Human qualities like love, tolerance, authenticity, kindness, generosity, fairness, wisdom and care was never mentioned.
I've thought back on how it felt being me before I starved myself. I remember I focused on how I felt and what I thought about things that happened. If I felt good everything was good. When I had anorexia I forced myself to think as long as I am skinny everything is good, even when my life had fallen apart. Appearance dictated my wellbeing. I became like the ones I thought was crazy when they didn't see me beyond my body! When I understood that, I did't want to continue obsessing about looks, but identify myself with my inner qualities that I in my teens so desperately needed people to help me develop and focus on.
ED is the worst identity one can have. It is cruel, judgemental, critical, mean, destructive, in a bad mood with no humour and has a tunnell vision. It isn't a loss I will miss at all. It only made me miserable.
If you are a member of youreatopia there are thoughts on the topic here: http://youreatopia.squarespace.com/ask/post/2137298
I see it as a coping mecanism, like some go to alcohol for relief, I starve myself. And it is normal to identify with what we do. Like what job we have. But a person is not just their work. They might even hate their job. If we want to get to know a person instead of asking them what they do for a living we could ask them what they love, what their passion is, what they are occupied with in their mind, what they value, because only some are able to combine work and passion. To find a person, remember their home is where their heart is. In active anorexia our heart is a fearful one and it may be so bad we feel homeless, so to get healthy we need to find our passion. Many help others out of the ED misery. That can be a start of a more meaningful life and a feeling of worth. All the personal experience and knowledge are valuable. Getting out of the spiders web also give valuable insight to who we are.
Before I starved myself I was very disappointed that people couldn't see me, but only my body. I wanted them to know I am not my body, look deeper, please! But I didn't say that. I communicated that by starving my body. When the body that supposedly was me became smaller how could that be me? The body can not starve it self willingly, can it? There must be some will apart from the body that is in control. And that is me, you guys, not the body. My parents was extremely materialistic. They only cared about what could be seen and their own appearance. Human qualities like love, tolerance, authenticity, kindness, generosity, fairness, wisdom and care was never mentioned.
I've thought back on how it felt being me before I starved myself. I remember I focused on how I felt and what I thought about things that happened. If I felt good everything was good. When I had anorexia I forced myself to think as long as I am skinny everything is good, even when my life had fallen apart. Appearance dictated my wellbeing. I became like the ones I thought was crazy when they didn't see me beyond my body! When I understood that, I did't want to continue obsessing about looks, but identify myself with my inner qualities that I in my teens so desperately needed people to help me develop and focus on.
ED is the worst identity one can have. It is cruel, judgemental, critical, mean, destructive, in a bad mood with no humour and has a tunnell vision. It isn't a loss I will miss at all. It only made me miserable.
If you are a member of youreatopia there are thoughts on the topic here: http://youreatopia.squarespace.com/ask/post/2137298
I see it as a coping mecanism, like some go to alcohol for relief, I starve myself. And it is normal to identify with what we do. Like what job we have. But a person is not just their work. They might even hate their job. If we want to get to know a person instead of asking them what they do for a living we could ask them what they love, what their passion is, what they are occupied with in their mind, what they value, because only some are able to combine work and passion. To find a person, remember their home is where their heart is. In active anorexia our heart is a fearful one and it may be so bad we feel homeless, so to get healthy we need to find our passion. Many help others out of the ED misery. That can be a start of a more meaningful life and a feeling of worth. All the personal experience and knowledge are valuable. Getting out of the spiders web also give valuable insight to who we are.
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