Gender dysmorphia, I don't think I have ever seen the two words put together before. When I have been with very feminine girls I have felt like the masculine one. I remember once I had smoked weed and was hanging out with one of these girls. I went to the ladies room and looked in the mirror. I saw what I felt. Me as a boy.
I also remembered something else that made me seek something out of this world. The feeling of alienation from friends. Especially one episode when a guy I slightly knew stumbled upon me in town and asked why I looked so happy and I didn't have an answer. I thought: do people think I need a reason from the outside world to be happy? Do I really need to justify my happiness? It made me uncomfortable and realize I needed to explore the inner world.
I seeked and found, a book. After reading this book about a girl with anorexia who had spiritual experiences in nature, feeling strong and free on her own, I thought this was the way to go. I have read a lot about religious (catholic mostly) mystics and have had the ideal of not needing food or anything else, not having a thought about food, occupied of taking care of other peoples needs. Always have a lot of energy for it, eager to plese. Day and night with no needs on my own, so I could be always forgetful about myself. Having one desire only; to serve others. I pictured myself running around to peoples houses in a time far from now when a lot of people were poor, starving and being ill. The sad thing was, the opposite became true. I felt my needs (starving for food and love) all the time, occupying my mind. I had a stronger desire to please my needs than others. I had little energy for taking care of others at all. I was such a failure!
I also found it difficult to transform sexual energy into creative energy and that made me feel bad as well. I was so far from being a saint. I didn't want to be just wordly, feeling my bodies needs stronger than the need to serve. I was ashamed and utterly disappointed. To follow my ideal I couldn't deny anything. The worlds were not seperate. The fact that I have to give to my self what I need, both physically and spiritually before I can give to others has been very difficult for me. In religion we are taught to put others before ourselves. As time has gone by I have been forced by Gods laws to do things in the right order and understood I also have to take care of myself. That I must be aware of my needs on every plane and ask God to fullfill them, and then I can pass it on to others. It has been hard to accept that I had needs. That I also was a worldy being. But now I know I am not a worldy, but spiritual being having a wordly experience. Having a temporary body and personality just to be able to serve in this world.
It is as if I remember being in heaven and being given the task to help my future mum to free her self from her materialistic view and to spread light everywhere I would go. I was warned about how easy it was to be consumed by darkness and forget about the spiritual world, but I just laughed and said. I would never forget and would not be consumed. If so I would defenitely free myself from it fast enough.
I have understood that nothing and noone deserves to be judged as something bad because everything and everybody are meant to be used as it is suitable. Like cow shit. It is not good as dinner for us, but is perfect nutrition for plants. Sexual energy is pure in itself. It is what you use it for that can be judged as good or bad, or better: judged as suitable or unsuitable. Making love is great, using a body isn't. I also have a problem not judging peak orgasms, throwing energy out as if it was garbage instead of using it.
People aren't bad because of the unsuitable things that has been done to them, anyway many victims feel ashamed and take the blame. They can't change what happened, but they will make sure it won't happen again. And now we are at the core of anorexia. Starving themselves to not wake up the power some has inside but do not want to tame. We take the responsibility so that abuse isn't happening. We take on double control because some don't take any. Talking silently and not laugh out loud so the self centered people won't hush us down, and so on. I think we are martyrs. We carry the burdon of people's unawareness and misdeeds. We are the angels of sorrow. But when we free our selves from what doesn't belong to us and what is not right to identify with we become what we were meant to be aware of we were all along.
The guy I stumbled upon in town threw a grey stone at me and made me go looking for gems.
Happiness is our natural state of being. We don't need an excuse to be happy. The reason for happiness is not found outside in the world. It can only be limited by it.
I also remembered something else that made me seek something out of this world. The feeling of alienation from friends. Especially one episode when a guy I slightly knew stumbled upon me in town and asked why I looked so happy and I didn't have an answer. I thought: do people think I need a reason from the outside world to be happy? Do I really need to justify my happiness? It made me uncomfortable and realize I needed to explore the inner world.
I seeked and found, a book. After reading this book about a girl with anorexia who had spiritual experiences in nature, feeling strong and free on her own, I thought this was the way to go. I have read a lot about religious (catholic mostly) mystics and have had the ideal of not needing food or anything else, not having a thought about food, occupied of taking care of other peoples needs. Always have a lot of energy for it, eager to plese. Day and night with no needs on my own, so I could be always forgetful about myself. Having one desire only; to serve others. I pictured myself running around to peoples houses in a time far from now when a lot of people were poor, starving and being ill. The sad thing was, the opposite became true. I felt my needs (starving for food and love) all the time, occupying my mind. I had a stronger desire to please my needs than others. I had little energy for taking care of others at all. I was such a failure!
I also found it difficult to transform sexual energy into creative energy and that made me feel bad as well. I was so far from being a saint. I didn't want to be just wordly, feeling my bodies needs stronger than the need to serve. I was ashamed and utterly disappointed. To follow my ideal I couldn't deny anything. The worlds were not seperate. The fact that I have to give to my self what I need, both physically and spiritually before I can give to others has been very difficult for me. In religion we are taught to put others before ourselves. As time has gone by I have been forced by Gods laws to do things in the right order and understood I also have to take care of myself. That I must be aware of my needs on every plane and ask God to fullfill them, and then I can pass it on to others. It has been hard to accept that I had needs. That I also was a worldy being. But now I know I am not a worldy, but spiritual being having a wordly experience. Having a temporary body and personality just to be able to serve in this world.
It is as if I remember being in heaven and being given the task to help my future mum to free her self from her materialistic view and to spread light everywhere I would go. I was warned about how easy it was to be consumed by darkness and forget about the spiritual world, but I just laughed and said. I would never forget and would not be consumed. If so I would defenitely free myself from it fast enough.
I have understood that nothing and noone deserves to be judged as something bad because everything and everybody are meant to be used as it is suitable. Like cow shit. It is not good as dinner for us, but is perfect nutrition for plants. Sexual energy is pure in itself. It is what you use it for that can be judged as good or bad, or better: judged as suitable or unsuitable. Making love is great, using a body isn't. I also have a problem not judging peak orgasms, throwing energy out as if it was garbage instead of using it.
People aren't bad because of the unsuitable things that has been done to them, anyway many victims feel ashamed and take the blame. They can't change what happened, but they will make sure it won't happen again. And now we are at the core of anorexia. Starving themselves to not wake up the power some has inside but do not want to tame. We take the responsibility so that abuse isn't happening. We take on double control because some don't take any. Talking silently and not laugh out loud so the self centered people won't hush us down, and so on. I think we are martyrs. We carry the burdon of people's unawareness and misdeeds. We are the angels of sorrow. But when we free our selves from what doesn't belong to us and what is not right to identify with we become what we were meant to be aware of we were all along.
The guy I stumbled upon in town threw a grey stone at me and made me go looking for gems.
Happiness is our natural state of being. We don't need an excuse to be happy. The reason for happiness is not found outside in the world. It can only be limited by it.
Ingen kommentarer:
Legg inn en kommentar