Poems in English.

I don't want to be superfluous like fat.

That is why I hate it so much.

¤

Why don't you interact with me?

I'll give you some space.

Take away some fat so you can fit in 

right under my skin.

¤

Dad, how can I dare to eat

when you make fun of everybody?

Mum, how can I eat

with your head over my plate?

I'm not afraid of food, but the contempt

you feed me with, mum

and the joke you see with me, dad.

The bitter one munch on her heart, mum
and the one who make a fool of others are a fool, dad.

You both and I have no control over our tongues
and someone has to weigh up for that.
Weigh every bit thoroughly.

¤

I am the spoon you eat with

My skeleton is a handle with hips upon.
My mum crushed my ribs between her teeth
and dad pulled my arms out when he left
because I wouldn't let go of him.

Men wants to slurp the soup under my navel.
I expect someone will come and take me,
but what is left doesn't crush and I am hard to bend.

¤

The times I starved most severely
was when the people around me
didn't care,
as if I was air.

¤

Why don't you interact with me?
I'll give you space.
I'll take away some fat
so you can fit in right under my skin.

¤

Frozen

The girl with anorexia may look cool

in her clothes. In fact she is freezing

while she's covered in wool.

Sunny friends must stay away

from a heart and mind that's frozen

into the same routine every day.

No crack let the sun through the guard

cause there's no room for melted ice

in a ground that hard.

¤

How can she eat
while someone's eating her?

Now do you see why she can't sit still, 

but have to flee from her enemy?

¤

After the devil left my womb
I feel like the devil's child.

No longer suppressing sexuality
or the volum of my voice and laughter 

that bothered mum intensely.

I am the opposite now: Sensual, sexual 
and I laugh instead of cry, instead of asking why.

I am the immature me finally, free.
This is where I have longed to be.

Anorexia stopped me from developing, maybe.
I feel like 12 again, but this time without anxiety.

¤

I found my heart has also room for me.
I will no longer hide 

behind a "skinny body" identity
or behind thick clothes too baggy.

I can be a good person finally
because in a heart with love 

there is no room for fear or hostility.

If I gain weight or not the heart doesn't care.

¤

When anorexia had got a hold of me

I was in a prison cell 

where the only ideals I could see 

was the ones it was showing me 

and under my recovery

the disease hung on like an iron ball.

¤

I am in a large elevator shaped like a storehouse

with dark grey, damp and rough walls.

It is quite far down and if I look up I see no end to it.

I can't see if it is a roof or a sky up there.

The elevator goes further and further down

and I neither know how to stop it nor get it up again.

I haven't looked for buttons. I avoid the walls,

but it isn't me who is in charge of it.

Suddenly the floor goes down.

It is empty except some cardboard boxes in a corner.

It is utensils to eat with, but I don't care about the content

because I am just waiting in this room 

until I can come to heaven up there.

¤

You call me a concentration camp inmate, 

but you are my captor, snake

who consume me with your corrosive spit

from your large sizzling bitter pit.

¤

Deprivation

I want to be skinny to be free, 

forget the world in euphoria,

but I can't manage the needs of my body 

and as I hold it in my grip

I imprison myself in the world 

I try to overcome.

¤

She denies herself the slightest hint of food and life expression.

If only a fold of skin is detected it needs to tighten up.

¤

There were no room for me
so I thought I'd shrink my body
so I could get more space
to express myself in.

It wasn't my body that needed to change.
It was my company.
It wasn't my body that was too full of itself.

I had an issue and needed to meditate.
Get rid of stupid thoughts, not body tissue.
So I could release emotions in my body.

Perhaps living on the edge of death
would make me feel brave
and act freely?

That didn't work, unfortunately.
Me and my body was connected, obviously
I couldn't starve it and expect to move energetically.

¤

Why don't you interact with me
I'll give you space.
I'll take away some fat
so you can fit in
right under my skin.

¤

The times I starved severely
was when people around me
didn't care as if I was air.

¤

ED is death
not breathing down your neck
but at you with lots of black, toxic breath
that surrounds, fills and always stays with you.

You can't see clearly.
Everything seems scary.
You only hear negativity from ED.
You wish you could be a little fairy
cause life is dreary, but you have to bury
your skeleton body
as you look for ghosts at the cematary.

¤

I've stopped fighting my body.
I have found peace.
What a relief and how cozy
to be one with my body.

My life may seem boring,
but this is actually a core thing.
It is about accepting and loving.

My mum may have betrayed me.
My dad rejected and left me.
So I will love myself even more.
Much more than I ever expected.

¤

I embodied the evil
I couldn't win over on my side
and fought with my body
as if it was against me somehow,

but fact is it loves me, lives for me
this servant of mine
and I will stop fighting it
I will just love it from now.

¤

You throw my thought back to me
and freeze my emotions to my body. 

I need you, but you don't feed me.
Just let me down to my sickbed
with words cold and heavy.

Unless they are like yours 
you tolerate no move,
but out of sight you don't care what I do.

Happiness is strangled
in these dark rooms.
Craziness can fill the sphere,
but nothing can bloom.

I have to shake it off to God
who burns it with His wisdom.
The crazy thoughts, the dirt from mum,
dark, dumb criticism.

¤

You give me no room for thoughts,
no room for emotions,
no space for my body.

You invade it all so I crawl
into the realm of the spirit
where all I am is free.

¤

Stay strong. Starve on.
Become weak instead of meek.
Rigid and frigid.

You cried from your core.
Before you were satisfied
you died.

¤

FACE ME!
FANCY ME!
FEEL ME!

FILL ME!
FUCK ME!
FEED ME!

FREE ME!

¤

Mum rebuked.
I puked.

¤

Everybody is free.

I don't need to be controlling.
There is nothing here to fear.
There's no death, no enemy.
No one is controlling me.

¤

I found my heart has also room for me.
I'm no longer trapped in an identity as " skinny body" 

I hid behind thick clothes all too baggy.

Now I can be "a good girl" finally
cause in the heart there is no room for fear.
If I gain weight or not it doesn't care.

¤

There is nothing wrong.

I tried eliminating greed,
desire, anger and blindness,
by shrinking the body, their container,
but desire was kept for thinness,
also greed for more skinniness.

Oh, I felt like a failure,
unable to stop my anger
the years I was fragile from hunger
and my fear of gaining was blinding.

But there is nothing wrong with anger
that told me: Eat more to be stronger.
It reappeared because I thought
to eat more was wrong.

¤

I found love in God,
but still I was sad
because my dad was bad.
He’s like a seed
afraid to grow up,
be stabbed on and bleed.

¤

No Body

Your view is important to me
so I melt away when you see me as nobody.

I try to make you aware of your scary view
by appearing as no body.
Cause how can I have matter
when my view don't matter to you?

If you don't see my point then
I hope my bones get edgy enough to make a hole
through the wall you have put up towards me.

I feel divided in two;
a mind with no body to rest upon,
and a body that feels very much alone.

¤

If you want to stand out
you will be exposed
like a drawer from a chest
everyone can look into

¤

My father, my lost love,
an unborn God,
I lost and found again
when I saw his love
just in one moment
as deep joy.

My father at earth
and the Father in heaven
is now the same.
They linger together.
They cling to each other.
Gone is my blame.

Dad wanted me only
as independent as him.
A grown up, not yet grown.
But God saved me
by His words:
I should become like a child again.

I'm one with them now
as they are one.

¤

I'm a deep red rose.
Admired for beauty.
Despised for the thorns.

I don’t stand here for you to pick me.
so why get mad when my thorns stick thee?

The thorns are my darkness sticking out.
When you get to close you get caught in them
and they shine like a mirror, reflecting what you’ve hidden.
You see the unknown that scares you
and what’s your own, and blame me.

You try to take me, but then you break me.
I need my thorns for my fragile stem
from the desire that will pick me
and the rage that will take me.

When you take me out of the ground
I get hysterical,
you step on me and leave.

If you loved me you would see
and heeded the thorns outside of me.

¤

No understanding.

When I talk
you talk what I say away.

When I open up
you put up a wall.

When I'm optimistic
you're skeptical.

You are no friend of mine.
I'm never gonna tell you what's on my heart again.
Because you don't want to understand.
You want to stand above me.

You never even try.
You never ask my why and how.
You never ask me why I'm shy.

You want to see my body only.
Feel it and put your self in it.
Hide in me as if I'm empty,
so you don't have to see any.

¤

Into the world.

This girl looses herself.
She's loosing weight as well.
Tightly she holds on to her will,
she doesn't dear to tell.

She has a heavy mind,
filled with gems and pearls from the sea
but looses brain-fat to get light-headed.
Not many will fertilize heavenly seed.

She needs a heart's endlessness in the world
to fulfill herself,
her will to fill the world with treasures
from her wishing well.

Why do some say she should be bigger
when they no room have to feel what's in her?
It's not that she mind eating. It's words unkind she mind.

She wants to show her bones
so it's obvious to see where her boundaries are.
It's hard for others, though, to agree when they hit her hips so sharply.

Why don't anybody ask what's eating her?
Instead of complaining until she's downy
that she's skinny and needs a cure?

The hungerstrike's purpose fails
when the pail corpse falls before anybody cares
to pull up her chin, not push her to sin.

But it's easy to support her, really,
because the cross she carries
and the purpose she holds out.

If there is openness she need not shout
with her eyes, wide, the storm inside.

¤

I found my heart has also room for me.
I will no longer hide 

behind a "skinny body" identity
or behind thick clothes too baggy.

Now I can be "a good girl" finally
cause in the heart there is no room for fear.
If I gain weight or not it doesn't care.

¤

How can she eat
when someone's eating her?
Eating her meat
so she must grow fur.

Now do you see
why she can't sit on a seat
but have to flee
from her enemy?

¤

Devotion

If you don't want to feed and protect me

I don't need you, buddy.

I can't go to mummy or daddy.
I need you to wrap yourself around me
so I can unwrap myself

and lose face
when the world is a fist in mine
and I'm lost
and all I want to do is to get into you.

¤

Now that I'm thin

can you see what's wrong

under my skin?

¤

The man looking through the garbage

looked hungry at me.

¤

Mum rebuked.
I puked.

I want to throw my whole body up 

in the toilet.

When no one fills your heart
the whole body is empty.
What's the point of having one then?

¤

We starve instead

of quickly killing ourselves

hoping love will catch us

before we fall in the grave.

¤

I never eat until I'm full.

I am afraid I will explode

because I am a ticking bomb.

¤

Only an anorexic girl like me

would worry about coming to heaven

with too little energy

to serve God as much as other women.

¤

Anorexia recovery is like moving to a new place

and breathing in a lot of oxygen 

after spending a long time unwilling to breathe 

in a poisonous environment.

¤

No Body

Your view is important to me
so I melt away when you see me as nobody.

I try to make you aware of your scary view
by appearing as no body.
Cause how can I have matter
when my view don't matter to you?

If you don't see my point then
I hope my bones get edgy enough to make a hole
through the wall you have put up towards me.

I feel divided in two;
a mind with no body to rest upon,
and a body that feels very much alone.

¤

When you don't love me 

I feel so deprived

I can't eat

and the feeling get intensified.

Take care, friends say,

but why should I

when you don't?

Doc tells me I have anorexia,

but I don't have anything

when I don't have your love.

¤

People with an ED do not accept reality.

It is just too hard not to be loved by anybody.

They feel rejected, powerless and disappointed. 

They take a look down on themselves,

spot something they can change and feel some power again.

Now the disappointment is placed on the body instead.