Worthlessness

Now and then I hear people say if you don't work you don't deserve to eat - and when I ask if they really mean it they say: Yes, it says so in the bible. I think this quote is ingrained in a lot of people and it causes many disabled people to feel bad for not contributing to society. 

I have always had a feeling of worthlessness. To reduce myself and not eat enough made me feel less guilty. In recovery when I ate what I needed without working the guilt was huge. I was convinced I had to work to deserve to feel worthy and that God was behind this feeling! I cried a lot. I got an idea for a way to work so I could feel better about myself. After a month I was surprised the feeling of worthlessness  was gone even though I had not worked yet. 

Now I understand that I just needed to deal with my feeling of worthlessness instead of always trying to reduce it by eating less. Feel it for real. I no longer believe we have to work or act a certain way to feel worthy. We just need to believe we are appreciated. If we feel loved just because of who we are we no longer think we have to act or look a certain way. I think we are here to learn to love. Love unconditionally. Not to work, not to please others, but to love. 

Anorexia, a weed in the garden

If the weed could be pulled up from the ground it would have been a miracle and only possible to do from a being higher than ourselves. If God had pulled it out what would we be challenged with? It would have been something else. It is there so we can have a life challenge we can learn a lot from and conquer one day. What we can do is stop giving it sunshine (attention) and water (nourishment) so it will weaken until it dies by itself. To dare to do that we must first understand that it doesn't serve us. When we dare to stop listening to it we can give attention to another plant that is very small if the weed is strong. One day this plant is taking more space than the weed did. Perhaps the roots may always be there just like we can not eradicate our past traumas, but I think the roots can become weak and dry. I think my mum had common pokeweed in her garden and fed me poisonous berries. Even if the plant is in our garden we don't have to eat from it (believe in it).

I found a light under all the darkness I usually lived with that grew in intensity and size the more I contacted it. The voice of love has the truth which the fear does not. This light is much more powerful than the darkness, if we just ignite it to shine. I shone the light on the little devil (ED) that was gnawing in my stomach. It was interesting to see how small and nasty it was in this light, but it hated the exposure and jumped out. It was as small as the people who acts cruel to us are. All the cruelty and neglect I took personally I had to look at again and detach myself from. It was never about me. It was them. They just couldn't do better at the time.

Inspirational comments from people in recovery.

I'm now 9 months in, and the unthinkable has happened. I no longer care what my weight is. It is the weight my body needs to be healthy and give me an awesome life. That's all I need to know.

Your ED played an important role in helping you feel safe, and for that you can lovingly and respectfully tell it thank you and good bye, and the edema is body language for sit down, eat more, let me rest, let me sleep, help me cry, help me feel, feed me, feed me, feed me.

We are so afraid to gain weight because what are we going to say to those who notice? It is so embarrassing. What excuse shall we make? No! That is so twisted! We don't have to come up with an excuse for the weight gain because there is nothing wrong with it. We should say the opposite: I was ill before. That is it. We got it all wrong because we are sick in our minds. No reasonable person supports starvation.

Every time you are unsure if you should allow yourself to eat or rest say: All food I crave is good for me now. I need this. If I crave amounts bigger than normal it is because I have not given it enough in the past. I can eat what ever and how much I want any time. I want to serve my body and it doesn't have to "deserve" food or rest by doing exercise to get what it needs. 

"I looked at my life, and I realized through obsessing over my body I was selecting the easy path. I was choosing to focus on externality, and ignoring the larger picture. I was choosing the ego path," she wrote. "Because the fact is, life is way too short to be focused on the exterior. Time spent worrying about your size is time wasted. There are far bigger fish to fry in the world than your thigh size. There are so many better uses for your brain."

When you look in the mirror just look for the positive because you are loveable just the way you are. We look at ourselves with a critical eye when we fear others look at us that way, but if someone close to us do that it is their attitude that is wrong, not our imperfections.

Holy anorexia

If I say I have been fighting against and tried to ignore my body because I don't want it to matter as much as many people think it does and I want to be seen behind the body, do anyone recognize themselves? It backfired though; To try to ignore and fight my physical body just made me more aware of it. I have been sick of my parents who can not see longer than the material aspects of things. Who never cared about me, just bodies and other things. Anorexia is like a hunger strike against the massive focus on bodies instead of souls, not sure how to live, survive in such a world so being half a ghost is preferable. Looking forward to a heavenly world where one does not have to eat, does not have to feel pain, will not be seen as a body, but where every thought and feeling is exposed like an open book. Transparency finally!

Holy anorexia is to have too high expectations. Expectations that can not be lived out at earth, just in heaven. I wanted to be selfless, serve others day and night on no food, no drink, no rest. I beat myself up all the time for not being able to fulfill those expectations. Angry that my body hindered me. Needed something all the time. Distracting me. It is hard to accept that we need to spend so much time on taking care of a physical body, a garment and tool for communication at earth only. A body well nourished is also distractingly sexual. Sexuality is also such a huge and difficult topic when one is a perfectionist who also doesn't want to let God down. 

I feel very alone with these thoughts as if I am the only one who has them. I looked up to saints who only ate communion bread. When I recently checked if they were anorexic I found that they were. Of course they were. They were not so holy the physical laws no longer applied to them as I thought. I thought I could be like them and become so holy the physical laws no longer ruled over me. They died of starvation. What a wake up call that was for me to read. Lower your expectations! God wants us to be realistic and spiritual. Spiritual, not only alone, but in the horrible world where people lie, murder and steal too. A difficult task indeed. To see the good only. To believe in the good in people no matter what they express so the good can come out. Be good to attract the good in them. 

So much easier to hunger strike against what I don't like than to be what I would like to see in the world myself. Try to focus! There is so many distractions as there is people in this world. Find your path.  God will guide you. What questions is important for you to find the answer to? What experiences is most important for you to experience? 

The body is more trustworthy than calorie calculators

Earlier I saw food as calories and calories as potensial fat. I didn't think about why the body was hungry. I never saw food from the perspective of the body. 

There is one thing left I have to give up to be fully recovered from anorexia and that is to stop calculating my calorie intake. I asked God for help to get over the fear of accidently eating too much and gain unnecessary fat. It took some days before I received the epiphany where I saw it all from the perspective of the body and understood that I can trust the body. 

The body is constantly doing a lot of work. For this it needs energy and nutrients. When it knows the fuel is running low it will send images of the food it needs for its tasks to the mind in time for the owner of the body to make the meal or go and get the food. I used to ignore these images because I was not yet physically hungry, but not long after I would be hungry so if I had started making the food right after I received the image I would not have to cook while hungry later. These mental images is what is called mental hunger. Someone who is never fueling the body enough will have these images a lot.

The body will give signals for the owner of the body when it wants it to eat food and when it register that it has got enough for the time being a signal of satiety can be felt. The body will not ask for more than it needs. It will not ask for extra fat so it can store it at your stomach area unless it is needed for protection and hormon production. It asks for food so it has energy and nutrients to work with.

Because the body knows exactly what and how much it needs the signals can be trusted. The only thing we should make sure of is to give it a variety of food and drink options. If the only food it knows about is pizza it can not send an image of anything else than pizza to the mind. If the only liquid you give it is pepsi max, it will send an image of pepsi max to the mind every time it is thirsty. This is also why good habits is important. If you normally drink water when your are thirsty you will think of water when you are thirsty. 

My advice to people who do not have an eating disorder or who have recovered physically from an eating disorder or at least have honored the body's cravings for sugar and fat as long as that was needed is to give the body a variety of whole foods so it gets as many nutrients (vitamins and minerals) as possible and as many options to choose from as possible so it can send an image of a food that will fit its needs the best each time. Then the body will work optimally and there is no reason for it to store more fat than necessary.

Letter to myself as a child

Your dad didn't reject you because your body had changed when he came to visit you after he had been gone for several years. He didn't know how to connect. That is why he was acting so weird. Your dad didn't leave you because you are not lovable. He left because he doesn't know how to be a dad because he lacks empathy. He is flippant. Don't trust what he says 80% of the time.

Don't change your body to be seen just because your parents and certain pigs can't see deeper than the skin. There are people who can see who you are behind the body. Who care about what you express through your body rather than looking at how it looks. There are loving people out there who can genuinely care about you. You just have to find them. 

It was not you who were disgusting. It was the guy that flashed himself that was. Don't think he tells the truth. What is true for him may not be true for you. He says what he says because he wants to use you sexually. He doesn't care about you at all. Don't listen to him. Avoid him. Do not trust what any grown up say. Trust your body and what you feel is right. Especially when he says sex and love is two different things. It is possible for some people to have sex without love, like this disgusting pig, but that doesn't mean you don't feel love when you are attracted to someone sexually. There are different levels of love. There is erotic love, but also a higher love that is unconditional and divine and that can be expressed through selfless acts. Pork is not disgusting. This pig was and it is him you should avoid. You are not like him at all. 

Know that all the girls that are mean to you envy you and wants to drag you down to their level, your sister and mum included. They even lie. Don't trust them when they say weird things. It is better to be alone than to have to do something you feel is wrong to do, just to be able to hang out with certain people. I support you when you don't want to hang out with the shallow girls who just wants a laugh, but avoid the ones that are destructive/negative and never laughs as well. Search for religious and intelligent people to hang out with. Fuck hanging out with people who want to drink, party and use drugs. You feel you don't fit in anywhere because it is true. You are not like them. You are spiritual and should hang out with religious people and learn how to meditate and pray because it is possible to communicate with God because God is within you and everyone else. And you are able to connect with Him because you are highly sensitive. You are a writer. A thinker. A creative artist. You can be anything you want. Learn anything you want and are interested in knowing more about.

Your dad, mum and brother are narcissist. Meaning they don't understand you, they lack insight in themselves and empathy. They see nothing wrong with themselves so they put all the blame on you. Be aware of their manipulations. Be aware of charming guys too that tries to win you over by giving you attention because when they have won you over they will change and just want to use you. They are narcissists too. 

If you don't truly love someone move on to someone else. Don't feel that you have to have sex with someone just because you are in a relationship with them. You never have to have sex unless you really want to and you can stop the act when ever you feel like. Read about tantra thoroughly from an early age when you start to feel the sexual energy. Karezza too. Sexual energy can be released on any level, not just the physical. Do not release it physically. And learn how to meditate and pray because it is possible to communicate with God because God is within you. 

Do not believe your mum when she says she can't afford your ballet classes anymore. She wants to spend money on her looks instead. She is planning to take a face lift when she pretends she lacks money and wants you to feel sorry for her. Your mum is a selfish bitch. Do not listen to her constant criticism. She criticize because she only thinks her ways is ok. She doesn't even love herself. She doesn't respect herself either. Yes she is weak as you know so don't fear her. She is not dangerous. She is mean until you stop her. 

You are not able to take care of yourself when you are only ten years old, honey. Do not think every woman is selfish like your parents, your friends parents and siblings. Other adults may care about you even though your parents doesn't, so try to talk to others because you need someone to care about you. Talk to the children service or the nurse at school.

Do not avoid learning things just because you are not perfect in those subjects already. Follow your dreams even though you are not perfect. You are good enough and can always improve. When someone corrects you (I am not talking about destructive criticism like your mum "gives" now) it is suppose to help you improve, not to tell you that you are a failure. You are not a failure just because you can improve and are not perfect already. No one is perfect and you don't disappoint anyone by showing signs of imperfections. Just relax. You are good enough as you are.  You are so good at school you can choose to be anything. To ask doesn't mean you are stupid. It only means you want to learn. Every intelligent and knowledgeable person asks a lot of question.

Replacing ED thoughts with healthy thoughts and how to deal with weight gain

From being ruled by fear that rejects to being ruled by love that has room to embrace everything:

Before I decided to recover I saw myself from the outside, as if I were standing 2 meters away. What I saw was a mentally weak woman driven by fear and I was thinking: That is not how I want to be! I want to be bold and conquer my fears! I also want to be fully authentic!

From emphasizing what society thinks to what you think:

We grew up in a society that emphasize how bodies look so even though we don't think peoples appearance matter much we still care about it because we were influenced by the opinions of others. We care about something because it is expected by others. Do you think body weight matters much? Do you value appearance much? Do you think it is ok to manipulate the body instead of respecting its needs? Do you think bodies should only look a certain way even though they naturally differ? Recognize the destructive thoughts when they come and look at them objectively. Ask yourself if the thought is based on fear or love and throw away the fear based ones.

Many fear that others will judge them if they gain weight. Remember that it is mostly people with eating disorders or narcissists that may be fat shaming. They may do that because they fear fat themselves. Most people have been misinformed about fat in food and fat on bodies and think it is something to fear for health reasons so they may show concerns if we gain a lot of weight and eat a lot of processed foods. We will be less vulnerable if we educate ourselves enough to be sure we are doing the right and healthy thing by eating a lot and a lot of unprocessed foods for a while. If we are educated we can educate all those who do not have the knowledge about eating disorder recovery. 

Apart from being educated and therefor confident we are doing the right thing, we should remember to not take things personally when people come with comments that shows they don't understand. Instead of being offended try to see things from their point of view and know you can not expect that they should know better. Both these things makes you less vulnerable. A third thing is to not care too much about other peoples opinion. If you have found your own. What others think doesn't matter much. It is only when we are uncertain we are open to other peoples view. If you are uncertain about something choose your source of information wisely.

Not lazy, but charging batteries.

There is nothing wrong with being lazy. If you have exercised without eating enough you need a lot of rest in recovery. In the beginning you will feel that need because the body will feel exhausted and need more sleep and rest. You don't have to do anything to earn your food. Babies don't do much, do they? They don't say to themselves: I am just going to drink from one breast this time because I have just been crying and sleeping the last hours. When I have been called lazy it is after saying no to do something for a person who doesn't want to do it himself.😅

From "unworthy" to unneurotic:

Many of us has said we don't deserve food, that we are unworthy. Would you say that to a child? If not is it fair to say that to yourself? When I think someone appreciates me I don't think I am unworthy. When we are sick we typically isolate ourselves. You will feel better if you socialize with people who likes your company and when you can behave a way you like.

To be neurotic is to be disappointed because you are not like your ideal. Trash the unrealistic ideals and focus on the qualities you do have and use them. Lower the bar and be humble.

From uncertainty to trust:

You don't have to calculate how many calories you eat to make sure that you eat enough or not too much. You want to calculate because you are afraid to eat too much, but in recovery what is enough is for the body to decide.

In recovery and in the future you should listen to your body and not your or other peoples head saying when to eat, how much to eat, when to rest, how much to sleep, when to sleep, how much activity you should have etc. The body knows what it needs so much more than anyone else does. And it will not gain more weight than it needs.  

There may be some uncertainties like how much weight you will gain, if you will overshoot or not and if so how much, how much food you will need at week "2, 7 and 10", if you will experience extreme hunger and how long it will last, when your period will come back, when your edema will go away. Things like that. So we must be patient, trust the body and see it happens when the body decides is the right time. In recovery we can relax. No more controlling and manipulating. The body is responsible to tell us what to give the body now. The only thing we need to do is give it what it wants.

From thinking only thin bodies are accepted and beautiful to see beauty in every living creature God made: 

I have started to follow plus size models and recovered people I think look amazing to rewire my brain to see that to have fat, even a lot of it, is beautiful. It helps me a lot actually. I have started to embrace the thought of being sexy. I hated that earlier. I liked being skinny and just cute, like a girl, not hot like a woman. Now I slowly try to get used to being sexy and to think that is ok. To see my body through the eyes of a man. He doesn't think: Oh she is fat. No, he will look at the boobs and the butt sticking out and just wants to sink into the soft body and explore every curve like a snake. Men look at the positive and the sexy. They don't care about cellulites and stretch marks. They love the soft bodies that we hate. We are to desire a mans body, not our own. I love a ripped body, but I don't need one. My boyfriend has it and he loves my body because it is soft. We must stop looking at bodies with a critical eye. Look for what is pretty only. Imperfections are everywhere and just makes us disappointed to focus on. We must stop looking for what could be fixed because in recovery we are not fixing anymore. We are accepting now and let the body fix. With fear gone we can love.

My boyfriend help me heal my body image when he gives me physical attentiona and makes love to me no matter how weird I feel about my "fatter body". I asked him the other day what he thinks about my body changing and he replied excited: You are just you. He sees me so often he doesn't see much change from each time while I am aware that I probably gain a kilo a week. It is easier to focus on the positive now that I have been in active recovery for 12 weeks. The positive in my appearance, personality, behaviour and qualities. Instead of focusing on what you lost, find what you gained instead. Examples: To go from anorexic to recovered is like going from being delicate to delicious, from cute to hot, from frail to fierce, from dishonest to honest, from stingy to generous, from miserable to happy, from mad to sane, from ghost-like to alive, from weak to strong, from self occupied to free, from fearful to loving.

The only way I managed to not fear foods was to overcome my fear of weight gain. Earlier I saw recovery as becoming chubby instead of seeing it as getting strength and health back. My fear of gaining weight was reduced when I saw a big and strong woman from the Masaai tribe in Kenya. I have feared not being taken seriously if I gain weight, but she was big and had a fierce attitude. I understood that weight doesn't matter. It is what you express through it that determined how people will perceive you and interact with you. It is possible to be elegant, cute, strong, intelligent, all the positive things no matter the weight of the body. But if you feel trapped in the body and hate it that's when you may experience all kinds of weird responses from people. People can smell insecurity and start criticizing, but people can also smell strength and respect you. For me who has authenticity as a goal should accept and have my natural body as well.

From looking for faults to looking for benefits:

It is easier to focus on the positive now that I have been in active recovery for 12 weeks. The positive in my appearance, personality, behaviour and qualities. Instead of focusing on what you lost, find what you gained instead. Examples: To go from anorexic to recovered is like going from being delicate to delicious😜, from cute to hot, from frail to fierce, from dishonest to honest, from stingy to generous, from miserable to happy, from mad to sane, from ghost-like to alive, from weak to strong, from self occupied to free, from fearful to loving.

Change your goals:

To be as thin as possible can no longer be a goal. If that is still a goal you will restrict at some degree and hope your recovery weight be as low as possible. You will probably end up restricting after you are weight restored if you have not already while weight was restored. You must get rid of all fear of bodyfat, weight gain and a bigger body. It is easy to say, I know, but it is possible to change this if you want to. I can tell you some ways that was helpful for me.

Before I even started to seriously think about recovering I had moved to Kenya where diet culture is non existent and most women are bigger than most women in Europe. Then I got a boyfriend who was brought up in this culture and was excited to support me if I chose to eat freely and gain weight. To conquer my fear of weigh gain I changed my mind about which bodies are beautiful by looking at plus size models. When I found plus size models hot and beautiful there were no longer any reason to fear eating and gaining weight. I started to find bigger bodies more interesting than the thin ones I had seen a million times already in magazines etc. I looked at bodies that looks similar like mine when it is at its set point weight and tried to look for the positive in it. I tried to remember how confident I once was in a bigger body before I started to restrict. Not right before, but before what triggered me to restrict food happened. I owned my body then. I knew it wasn't perfect, but I treasured the positive parts of it. I didn't focus on the negative. I didn't look at myself with a critical eye like I did during my eating disorder. To remember this as vividly as I could it helped me get back the same positive attitude towards my body. 

Shift focus: 

Even though my body looks weird now it is even weirder to criticize it since it is not my creation. If it was an illustration I had made it could be criticized and changed until near perfection, but it is not. And because it is not my creation it is not for me to force a change upon it. The body is given to me so I can use it for what I need to do in this world. It is not been given to me to be perfected. It is already working fine if I just take care of it. To take care of it and use it in a good way is my responsibility, not changing how it looks.

From taking things personally to be objective about what others say and do:

When we gain weight in recovery many of us are afraid of rejection and humiliation so we don't accept our weight gain and how we look. This is fucked up. I think we once (or more than once) felt that we were rejected or humiliated and therefor wanted to change to avoid it from happening again by changing our body. In recovery when we change the body back to how it looked when we felt rejected or humiliated the fear of this happening again comes back up. Now is the time to realize that it is not about the body. It was never about the body. It was about the other person. We should never have taken what the person/people said or did personally as rejection or humiliation. Try to understand the person who said or did the things you took personally so you can detach yourself from it and see that what the other person did is about that person and not you. If someone acted with lack of respect does not mean you did not deserve better. It means that person lacked respect in that moment for some other reason. Instead of changing your appearance, change what you will believe in. 

From trying to change our body to try changing our mind: 

We don't have to change to be accepted by others. If we do we do it based on fear. We have a drive to become better. A drive that is a loving force.  This natural drive has a love for divine qualities. The qualities that if we love them makes us attracted to heaven so that becomes our home. Someone with an eating disorder have many negative thoughts and beliefs. To get healthy we need to look at these thoughts and beliefs that makes us want to destruct our bodies objectively. When we focus on them we will see there is very little truth to them. Next step is to replace the thoughts with positive and truthful thoughts and beliefs. Another thing we can change is what we will focus on. We can stop focusing on things that will not help us to go in the direction we want to go and focus on what will support us. 

From masculine to feminine:

We live in a society dominated by masculine values like hard, strong and intellect. It is not healthy for women to be like men. Women has a softer body and softer voice. We function differently. Don't reshape yourself and your body based on the values in a patriarchal society. Be you. This society needs a balance between masculine and feminine. Be a part of the restoring of this balance. The world needs brave women who are themselves and contribute to the world with their uniqueness and feminine qualities. Even though a lot of people (mostly men) don't value or understand the importance of sensitivity, intuition, surrender, tenderness, empathy, humility, understanding, cooperativeness, kindness, devotedness, expressiveness, passiveness, vulnerability and so on doesn't mean they are not equally important as masculine qualities. Don't be embarrassed for being a woman. Be a natural one. Be authentic! See that a soft body is lovely. Let the men have the low bodyfat percentage. Let the men have the hard bodies. You don't have to be as active and strong as them. Don't be embarrassed for being vulnerable and emotional. Just be you. The world needs feminine qualities so don't suppress them.

If you have something you want to add, please feel free to comment.

When should I stop counting calories in recovery?

There is not much point in counting calories for several reasons. One of them is that the calories listed is the amount of calories trapped in the food and not the amount the body will absorb from the food. I kind of knew this, but I thought the difference was insignificant, which it is not. At least not when it is whole foods. It also requires energy to digest the food and that energy amount varies from item to item. Nuts, brown rice and meat requires more energy to digest than processed and refined foods. This is what I found:

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/science-reveals-why-calorie-counts-are-all-wrong/

When people eat almonds, they receive just 129 calories per serving rather than the 170 calories reported on the label. People snacking on whole wheat obtained 10 percent fewer calories than those eating white bread. Proteins may require as much as five times more energy to digest as fats. Processed foods are so easily digested in the stomach and intestines that they give us a lot of energy for very little work. In contrast, veggies, nuts and whole grains make us sweat for our calories, generally offer far more vitamins and nutrients than processed items, and keep our gut bacteria happy.

https://www.discovermagazine.com/health/are-the-calorie-counts-on-food-labels-accurate 

The calories listed on labels come straight from the manufacturers — and are regulated by the FDA. But the agency allows for a 20 percent margin of error. Because of this, the caloric content is often higher than labeled, yet still within FDA limits. A 2013 study on the food label accuracy of snack foods found that their average caloric content was more than 4 percent higher than the calories listed. The researchers suggest this was because the foods contained more carbohydrates than listed.

In recovery we should stop counting when we have experienced that we eat enough if we follow our mental and physical hunger. I know this, but I am still too scared. I had a realization today though that may help me to stop: 

To stop counting is the hardest part of recovery and it is the only thing I have left to challenge. First I told myself it is ok to continue counting in recovery to make sure I eat enough, but truth is I was afraid of eating too much. I just realized this: To be afraid of eating too much is pointless now that I don't want to restrict anymore! I don't want to deprive my body anymore. I have counted calories because I wanted to make sure I did not eat more than needed because I want to be as thin as possible without starving or eating too much. It just means I still don't trust my body. I use counting to double check I eat as I should. If I could only trust that only my body knows the amount I should eat. Not my mind. I do though. I do trust the body knows. I am afraid it will make me eat more so that I gain more than necessary. Again not trusting the body, or rather not honoring the body! Yes, that is it! I still don't honor what my body needs enough. What I realized is that to get over this fear I must stop wanting to be as thin as possible. I should rather want to feed my body enough to get healthy and happy.

Sugar

I am in week 9 of my recovery now. All I care about is food. I eat above 3000 calories a day now. When my fiance' is suppose to come I ask myself: What for? I am lulled into a food prison. I am enjoying sugar like a kid that has been punished to never have sugar for 8 years and is finally free. My strict self or ED voice hope this honeymoon phase of recovery is soon over because she feel bad about the unhealthy foods I eat and are of course not happy about the weight gain. I am wondering if I eat so much sugar because I think this is just temporary before I start restricting again. Because I have been thinking it should only be allowed to eat sugar in the recovery phase and not after. Going from one extreme to the other and back, but now with more calories. Now that I am closer to balance I am questioning this. What if I want to eat sugar the rest of my life? I am enjoying this! Then I should not restrict, but enjoy myself like many other people do, should I not? They have cake, chocolate and ice cream even though they are not recovering from anorexia. It is normal. It will make my weight higher, though, but should I even care? Not sure yet. Maybe I should try to embrace that thought and make it into my life. Maybe I can relax a bit around the sugar if I understand that I can have it any time. Not just for a limited time.

After some days trying this I am able to eat less sugar on a daily basis. I listen carefully to my body and just add some sugary snack at the end of two of my meals. I eat 4 meals a day. No snacking between meals. I feel good about this. Then I eat enough, but not too much. I eat what ever I crave now except the foods that is not available here.

Trying to find the cause of anorexia

To find the cause of anorexia is impossible. It is like exclaiming: Eureka! when only finding a piece of the puzzle. To find the mental cause of anorexia is like looking at the clouds in the sky. They are always shifting and impossible to grasp. When I talk about the mental causes of anorexia I feel like I am almost lying because it is shifting and therefor uncertain. There is so many factors that may have played a role. Traumas, bullying, sexual abuse, objectification, rejection, neglect, as well as cultural aspects like diet-culture, thin ideals, fat phobia and physical factors like; How I was eating from I was 12 when my mum stopped controlling and restricting my food intake. 

Anorexia, like bulimia, can be an attempt to try to be purified from what awful they have been exposed to. Those with anorexia are like those with bulimia also very hungry and in desperate need of love and attention (to be able to heal their traumas), but because they can't find that love they suppress their hunger for all they can't have, telling themselves they don't need anything or that they want to fade away from this unloving world.

I have found out why I have felt disgusted by my body, or rather sometimes get a up a body image of a large body that is connected to a feeling of disgust. It stems from a trauma where I felt disgust for a flasher but directed it towards myself instead and another trauma where I thought my dad were disgusted by my body.

I had learned not to listen to my hunger and satiety signals because my mum, not my body, was in control of when, what and how much to eat. She had fat phobia. Fat phobia controlled what I ate. Suddenly she was too busy to take care of that- at the same time as I had to stop taking ballet lessons. I often heard her say I ate much. She was comparing it with what she ate, forgetting our bodies is very different. 

Uncertain about what and how much to eat because I didn't think of following my body signals I looked at how much others ate. Everyone ate different amounts so that was confusing! I ate as my friend when I hanged out with her and like my boyfriend when I was with him. I loved the freedom it gave me when I could afford to buy my own food. The problem then was I ate too little because fat phobia became my guide again, just like when I was little. My mums voice had become internalized as the voice of anorexia. I listened to it because I was used to be controlled by external factors instead of my body.

Food is a social thing. When I was restricting I was lonely. I ate alone. I had experienced traumas I needed to talk to someone about. I needed love and attention. To not get that made me insecure. To be on the safe side I ate too little and exercised more than others (before I drained the body completely). 

I wanted to be thin to empower myself, be more confident and free socially, but when I restricted I felt too weak to be happy, horny and social. The outcome was the opposite of what I was aiming for: I got weaker, more insecure and lonely.

I tried to connect with my dad, but all he saw was my body. I tried to connect with another man I hoped could be my father figure, but also he only focused on my body. The body was in the way of true connection. Mum too was only seeing the body, not me.

Another thing I found problematic with my body was when I was sexually aroused, boys could think that meant I wanted sex with them, even though there were no love in the picture. 

When I was younger I acted without understanding why, but when I look back and ask myself what happened before this and this act I can understand myself. Also I have asked myself how come I felt so unworthy at certain times of my life? What happened right before this? When we have most of the pieces in the puzzle we can see the big picture. It is breathtaking.

The world is ruled by love, but people either don't believe or care about that. They focus on the physical and are miserable because they don't feel appreciated. They are so materialistic they think they will be appreciated if only they looked different (women) or got a better job (men). If we only put others before ourselves like Jesus advice us to, remembering that everyone feels miserable, because very few or no one appreciate them for who they are. Be there for each other so the material/bodies/money will loose its appeal and they will feel appreciated and no longer have the need to change something perishable to feel loved. For women it is crucial to dare to be vulnerable and open up to let the love in. For both it is important to be authentic.

Fat. So what?

When a man who likes you looks at your body what do you think he sees? He put his eyes on what he finds attractive. He doesn't look for flaws like we do when we look at our bodies. Where do men put their hands on our bodies? Where there is fat. They like to have something to grab on to. They love the female bodys softness. They like what is the opposite of their own. Big women are queens! Fat phobia is caused by misinformation about health and taken advantage of by selfish people who wants to make money. We live in a materialistic society where most people focus on what can be seen. You don't have to be one of them. The fact that women are queens is a fact that get drowned in all this. We must raise up through all this garbage and be the queen we are. Be confident about who you are and be among people who appreciate you. If someone says something fat phobic remember they say it because they are still scared and who cares about an opinion based on fear and misinformation? Raise above it. Only listen to the truth and the kind. Reject everything else. There is so much garbage in the physical and mental world we must put it where it belongs so we don't walk in it and look at it every day.

My man desire me no matter how big my body is and that has helped me to accept my body. I have changed my attitude towards bodies I see. I see the bigger bodies as belonging to strong women. Strong because they no longer fear other peoples opinion so much that they weaken their bodies and risk getting ill. Why should we look up to or fear those who don't dare to be authentic in every aspect of themselves? What others think and say about fat, bodies, food etc. only affect those who agrees to what they say, so make sure you change your mind into what is true, natural and healthy. Fat or not you are queen! Start acting like one. Don't discriminate anyone (including yourself) and be good to yourself. Life is too short not to challenge our fears. 

I have come to this: That I now prefer to look/be natural than fake a look. I prefer to be authentic instead of fake skinny. I also are so done with starvation. I prefer a bigger body than always feeling deprived and like a zombie. I prefer to be liked for who I am instead so I don't have to fake it forever and feel like crap forever too. 

If you fear weight gain ask yourself what you are most afraid of and how likely that is to happen and if it did happen how would you react and what would you do? 

Imagine that everyone accepts your natural body. Then you would accept it too, wouldn't you? And that is how it should be. Everyone should. If someone don't they have an issue that you should not take offence by. As long as you stand for what is right and good what others say won't hurt you.

Hearing comments like: "You look healthy now" is hard for us in recovery. It is common to translate looking well/healthy with looking fat because for us anything else than very lean and skinny is scary. I think what we call fat is lean or slightly chubby for most people, at least when we see it on ourselves. I find it hard hearing such comments because if I am looking healthy to one appointment, what about the next when I have gain even more? I am afraid they will say stupid things like: You have gained enough now. Then I will be so angry because that is like asking me to restrict again to keep that weight and that is disordered. 

Diet culture mindset is frightening because it is about manipulation of how the body look which we want to stop doing so it is the opposite of supportive for us. Most people don't use their heads much so we have to be strong in our own beliefs so what others say doesn't throw us off balance. We are challenging our worst fears now, remember, so obviously we will hear some triggering comments to make us stronger and less fearful of such mindsets and comments in the future. We will rise above it because our own opinions always matters more than others, so when we are certain that we prefer what's natural and healthy we let others manipulate their bodies driven by fear as much as they want. It is their life. If they try to push their ways on us we just reject.

The anorexic: A twisted idealist?

I can't distinguish anorexia from the intolerance I have against the imperfections of the whole world. Anorexia doesn't just want to correct the body, but every imperfection. Gwyneth Olwyn who managed Your eatopia, now called  ED institute, has written that 2/3 have a gene that activates anorexia if we diet, but I was a an intolerant perfectionist since I was small. I wanted to perfect what ever needed perfecting so when my body bothered me I tried changing it. When I was 16 I said to myself I wanted to be responsible and get my shit together so improved my diet, started exercising more, got a new job and started reading about self improvement. I did not want to be treated like a stupid sex object anymore (by men who are not much else themselves).

Anorexia is not a demon who wants me dead. It is the intolerance in me that sometimes wants to die from all the misery and pain in the world or when I am very disappointed in myself. Note that I wrote disappointed in myself and not in my body.😉Anorexia is the part of me who can't stand imperfections, who are downtrodden and tired of disappointments. It is the immature who rebel against what is bad instead of taking responsibility and do something to improve the world. A fierce rebel that isn't afraid of going to the extremes and tear it all down. The fear of weight gain is the repulsion against imperfections and of being too much. Anorexia is just a small part of a person who feel an urge to improve herself- which is good if done correctly.

We all have destructive tendencies powered by hate, fear and anger we must keep in check. People are destructive in different ways. Those who destruct their bodies with food restriction is called anorexics, those who destruct their bodies with drugs are called drug addicts and so on. I think we can turn the destructive tendencies around when we understand that what we really want and are trying to do is to improve ourselves. Instead of improving in a rebellious way (hunger strike) that just makes us more miserable we should improve ourselves (and not our bodies). 

We all just wants to be happy. The drug addict gets happy every time she takes a drug, but in the long run she gets sick. When the anorexics starts restricting they often feel an abundance of energy and they lose weight quickly. They feel empowered by attention and compliments. As time goes by however they get sick too. Both the drug addict and the anorexic continue their behavior even though it's no fun anymore. I don't think they continue because they want to die, but they have less strength now to resist death and they don't have another strategy to become happy.

I think if I am happy about how I am (serving the world) my happiness will prevent me from dwelling on imperfections. If I think I make people happy I will not beat myself up for feeling unworthy. I think the quote from the bible that is spread around saying: "If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat." A young woman who hasn't started working yet. Who may feel like an economic burdon on her parents and doesn't contribute in any way may have this quote in the back of her mind.

I think this body reducing and purification strategy is a failed attempt to be free from feeling I am "too much" as mentioned earlier. Pure from self; Emotions, needs and sexuality. When growing up I didn't learn anything about developing virtues and how caring about others is a way to happiness. If I had I don't think I would have chosen a twisted form of selfless behaviour like anorexia. People who serve others selflessly experience a feeling of being pure and light, and they find it freeing to forget about themselves. I think those with anorexia needs love (in a way they understand as love) before they can be mature enough to love and be free that way. When they feel loved they may spend less time focusing on what needs correction and more on how they can improve the world. It is crucial that they reach out for support (get loved) first so they get what they need that can be shared, or they may beat themselves up for not having anything of value. (Speaking from experience.)

Anorexia is the embodiment of a sick society

When we who suffers from anorexia tries to get well we find that most people in the western world can't support us because they too are not well. They don't listen and trust their bodies enough either. They are controlled by external factors too: Body ideals, nutrition advice, diet culture, fat phobia, you name it- so we end up supporting them instead. Educating them, help them overcome their distrust in their bodies and fat phobia. Us with anorexia are the embodiments of a sick society where people emphasize appearance, body control, repressing emotions and are fat shaming. As long as the society is sick there will be people suffering from anorexia. 

When we try to get well by being kind to our bodies no one seem to understand. Many people see no harm in controlling the body and denying it food when it is hungry. They see no harm in exercise even though the body is malnourished (I have heard several physical therapists suggesting strength training when they know I am in a caloric deficit). When I told a friend of mine I wanted to start eating enough because I felt weak she asked how many calories I normally ate. When I had told her she said that was not very little. And that was the only and last thing she said on the matter, literally discouraging me from stop dieting. Those with anorexia go from one extreme to the other: From not listening to our bodies at all to honoring it fully. Most people are somewhere in between that so they think we are weird when we are so kind to our bodies suddenly that we sleep and rest a lot and indulge in a lot of good food and snacks. Also that we don't stop the weight gain when we have reached our set point weight. I have heard people call extreme hunger for appetite out of control and eating a lot because we are starved for binging (meaning eating too much).

People can not trust their bodies because they are not used to listen to it. They are not tuned into it so they can not understand. They are used to turn outwards for guidance. So when we say we will honor our body signals instead of being guided by the restrictive voice of anorexia they don't fully support that because they wouldn't dare to let only their bodies be their guide. They also fear they would end up fat if they ate according the cravings of their bodies and rested and slept as much as the body seemed to need. When we get well we feel like we are walking alone before everyone else and open up new land for everyone to partake in if they dare to follow. 

So much research is going on finding out what foods are good and what foods are bad. It seems like "everything in moderation" is lost in the equation. Some claim carbohydrates are bad, others say we should avoid all fats, some say we should only avoid omega 6, the list is long, but if we detach ourselves from all the theories and think for a second we all know we need it all in moderation, even nuts and chocolate, if we ask our bodies. I don't think any food is bad, but the way it is prepared can make it more or less healthy. (Cooking in oils at high temperatures is one unhealthy way of preparing food. Eating the oil, or even better eating the food the oil came from without heating it up is something different).

If we didn't need chocolate our body wouldn't crave it, would it? You may say the craving is rather a sugar addiction, but why do some people even crave dark chocolate with little or no added sugars then? If sugar is bad why do the body crave it? The reason is sugar is not just bad. We only hear about how bad it is or rather just that it is bad. Too much of anything is bad. If we trust that our bodies won't only crave chocolate forever, but wants a variety of foods and snacks we have no reason to fear our cravings and can trust our bodies. When we do that there is no need to compare how we eat with how others eat anymore because we are no longer unsure what and how much to eat. We will turn to our bodies for answers. 

Just think about how many who make money based on our insecurities! They want us to be dependent on what they have to offer or they would be jobless. The plastic surgeon doesn't want to help you to accept the way you look. He want to change it to make money. He is glad you have fallen into the trap saying: "I am not good enough. No one will love me the way I naturally am." 

The cosmetic industry tells you to first wash off the fat that lubricates your skin and then put on a artificial skin lubricant (cream). Same with your hair. First wash out the fat, then add in balm or oil. And we fall for it because no one tells us to trust our bodies. To trust nature. There is so many authors who has written books about how to eat right. Every new theory gets attention and gets sold as long as people don't trust their bodies. When many mums have fat phobia, controls what and how much their kids are allowed to eat and more or less starve their kids we haven't learned to listen to our bodies. The anorexia voice is based on the voice and attitude of our mums and/or the rest of the fat phobic comments we have heard and read.

We live in a society of manipulation. Those with anorexia are very good at that. Trying to make the body work without giving it enough fuel. We have many tricks up our sleeves to get the result we want. How to have energy to do exercise without food-fuel, how to repress hunger etc. We are admired for our self discipline and how we master our bodies, but why? Because most people don't value what is natural, kind and healthy. They see nothing wrong with going on diets; Literally weakening their bodies on purpose, giving the body no choice but to be a cannibal; Eating itself up. 

People think of diets as removing fat on their bodies while fact is the body will shrink everything it consists of, inner organs and teeth included. Intuitive eating that could be the answer to getting us back to normal eating is promoted as a tool to lose weight. Most people would love to hear our diet tricks too. They follow tricks themselves. We can read about how to manipulate the body anywhere, but these efforts are destructive. An example is a theory claiming if you eat enough protein when you are dieting you will lose fat and less muscle mass. I think if we don't give the body enough fuel it will not use much of that protein we feed it with to rebuild muscle mass (except inner organs hopefully), but convert it to glucose to have energy for the demands of the body to function properly. I was stick thin when I ate mostly protein because I had no energy to use my muscles and the body used my protein intake and muscle mass for fuel. When you eat mostly protein and too little calories you will have very little energy because the body uses energy to convert the protein into glucose. 

Another myth I fell for was believing eating carbohydrates and fats in the same meal would make the body use the carbohydrates for fuel, but store the fat in the fat tissue. You only store fat if you eat too many calories though, because the body will use the fat you fed it with for energy (and other things) if you didn't overfeed it. 

Anorexia is the embodiment of a sick society. That may be why people find the illness fascinating. People can project all their sick perceptions and repressed feelings on these individuals. Their intense vanity, shallowness, pride, body insecurities, fakeness, materialism, lack of control over body impulses or the rejection of them, fat phobia, greed, lack of self worth, envy, lack of trust in nature/bodies. You name what more I forgot to mention.

Us with anorexia are the personalization of a sick society and when we are fully healed we can help the whole society to heal with us because we have carried the problems on our backs, we found the cause of the illness and the remedy to get well.

Distorted body image and goals

Only when I coincidentally saw myself in a mirror or glass window I saw how thin I was. I was always surprised. Also when seeing myself on photos. When I looked in the mirror I looked bigger. I know why. I was looking for fat. If I had looked for thinness I would have found it, but I was just looking for fat. To see if I needed to improve, lose more weight. As long as I saw fat I saw a fat person and I could continue trying to reach a goal (weight). I felt safe when I was dedicated to reach one so I didn't want the goal to be reached. I knew life wouldn't change when I had reached it so when a number was reached a new goal number was set. It was tempting to try to reach an even smaller number. Risky- so it was enticing. Like walking on a thin bridge with no support between two mountain cliffs. From one life to another. The other mountain was an illusion I was dreaming about. I wished I reached it by changing my appearance. When there was no more fat on my hip I wanted to get rid of the hip bone. Never happy-
and that was the problem. I was not happy and to change my body could not change that, but I wished it could because I didn't know what else to do to be loved. Would people love me if I was more delicate?
I could not change others. I could not change the size of the heart of my parents. To accept that those who were important to me did not love me the way I needed them to was hard as bones. I had to deal with it eventually. When all that is left is bones and they still don't love you enough to want to see more of you what do you do? Let yourself wither away completely or find someone else to love you?

I left my dad when showing my bones didn't make him care. I also had to be very skinny before mum finally noticed me. I guess that was the whole idea of getting thinner: To be noticed. I would stop at nothing to be loved. Life is dreary without it and I knew that love awaited on the other side if I died before anyone cared. My mum stopped me from getting too thin to live, thankfully.

I know now I have to be loved before I can love myself and others and I did not give up on finding it. Even though my dad didn't love me the way I needed him to did not mean others could not. It was not my fault he did not. It was the size of his heart that did not receive my love. How little mature he was. 

Can one be free from anorexia?

I don't agree to those who say it is forever. For some it is, for other it is not. The sooner you get out of the anorexia behaviors and deal with emotions and stress in a more constructive way the better chance you have to be free from it forever. I have heard many say they are free from it and I do not think they are lying. If we find good supporting people and learn better ways to deal with stressors it is hope. If you understand why you started restricting and have found another, constructive way to deal with your problems and no longer try to manipulate your body, but take care of it and trust it I will say you are free from it.

It was a big surprise and a turning point for me to realize that the ED voice wanted to not make me slim, but dead. I understood it the day I was looking in the mirror to see if I could find some fat, thought I had found some, but saw that it was just a bone and I found myself angry at the bone for sticking out, taking up space! I was surprised about the reaction and thought about it and understood that I (or the ED voice ) wanted the body to vanish completely. Meaning I was suicidal without being fully aware! 

I was depressed and wanted to die, but didn't want to do it quickly. I tried to trick my body to survive on little, but in reality I was fooling myself because one day one will die from that behavior. I had thought my ED voice was on my team, helping me reach my goal to be skinny and free, but when I realized it wanted me dead I had to kick it to the curb and find my own voice. I had to dig deep through the darkness that filled me before I found some light. The more I contacted it and listened to it the more it expanded.

Look thoroughly at the thoughts that makes you engaged in the destructive behavior and pretend you hear someone else say this to themselves. What would you say to that person then? If there is something triggering the behavior see if there is something else you can do as a response to it or something else to do to prevent it to happen. Again objectively, because when we are caught up it is close to impossible to change how we see things. I found myself suddenly snapped out of the eating disorder mindset as if I had been spellbound earlier. It is the fear that traps us and an inner world based on fear is distorted. Anything/anyone who can help you to no longer fear a normal weight is helpful. 

Work directly on the fear issue. Dissolve it. The reason why people have an eating disorder for long is lack of the right support. We have to stop thinking the body and food is the enemy. Who taught you that the needs of your body isn't important to fulfill? 

To give and receive happens simultaneously

I have been so stingy towards my body.

Beating myself up for not giving enough to others.

How many times do I have to remind myself

I have to receive to have something to give?

I don't want to discriminate anyone, 

but forgot that must include myself.

If I focus on what is needed; What I or others need

I will receive and have something to give.

Both sex and love, snack and food.

My anorexia has had this ideal of being pure; Not indulge in sex or food. Be above physical needs and pain. Live above the physical realm, not accepting that I have a physical body and live in a physical world. Pretending I don't need food, sex or love (because to yearn for intimacy when it is unavailable feels so sad and lonely). I can't wait to have a heavenly body and live in a heavenly realm, but it is not possible to act as I am heavenly already now by denying the physical body and realm. God made this body for us to be able to act as the angels we feel we are in the physical world. I think it is only possible to live heavenly in this world when we embrace all we are subjected to and not denying anything. 

I don't have to reject my physical body just because I don't identify with it. If I take care of it it will no longer constantly complain about starvation and pain. I will get freedom to actually love, feel free and be happy. I have started to eat what ever and how much my body needs and my libido is back. Luckily I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me and makes love to me in a healing way. If I was single now the libido would probably become frustrating.

My anorexia think it is bad to enjoy food and sex, but would God give us these things to enjoy if they were? What can be bad (or cause us to miss the goal) is to only care about physical pleasures and not about important things like caring about others, become wiser and so on. We can care about the mundane as a means to act heavenly. When we eat enough and make love it is also so much easier to be kind and helpful to others- and be happy about ourselves because of it. Life at earth is good when we allow ourselves to eat chocolate or what ever we fancy, feel relaxed because we have satisfied our physical hunger and have enough libido to enjoy sex fully. 

To make ourselves happy what ever way that is and then share that happiness into loving others must be the right way to live. When we try to repress the needs of our body to prioritize virtues we will not reach our goal: To do good to others. It is when we take care of the needs of our bodies we have the energy to do good. We have to receive to give. We can't do that if we think we are worthless before we give. Not only on the physical level, but also on the emotional, mental and spiritual realm we need to feed ourselves if we want to share/express energy from those levels. 

I have never questioned my mental hunger for knowledge or my spiritual hunger for wisdom, but I questioned my hunger for physical fuel because I was not sure if I was welcome in the physical realm. If your parents don't want to see or hear you or if you think no one wants to be with you it is easy to question that. The physical realm is also a dangerous place where we can get mistreated and feel pain so maybe you are not sure you want to be here either. So to recover from anorexia it is important to find people who truly appreciate you and a place to live where you can feel safe and happy. 

You must be aware that restricting food is your way of defending yourself when life gets tough. To find other ways to handle tests is important to avoid going back to restriction. What circumstances could allure you to restrict again? What can you do to instead of restriction to improve your life when those things happen?