Trying to find the cause of anorexia

To find the cause of anorexia is impossible. It is like exclaiming: Eureka! when only finding a piece of the puzzle. To find the mental cause of anorexia is like looking at the clouds in the sky. They are always shifting and impossible to grasp. When I talk about the mental causes of anorexia I feel like I am almost lying because it is shifting and therefor uncertain. There is so many factors that may have played a role. Traumas, bullying, sexual abuse, objectification, rejection, neglect, as well as cultural aspects like diet-culture, thin ideals, fat phobia and physical factors like; How I was eating from I was 12 when my mum stopped controlling and restricting my food intake. 

Anorexia, like bulimia, can be an attempt to try to be purified from what awful they have been exposed to. Those with anorexia are like those with bulimia also very hungry and in desperate need of love and attention (to be able to heal their traumas), but because they can't find that love they suppress their hunger for all they can't have, telling themselves they don't need anything or that they want to fade away from this unloving world.

I have found out why I have felt disgusted by my body, or rather sometimes get a up a body image of a large body that is connected to a feeling of disgust. It stems from a trauma where I felt disgust for a flasher but directed it towards myself instead and another trauma where I thought my dad were disgusted by my body.

I had learned not to listen to my hunger and satiety signals because my mum, not my body, was in control of when, what and how much to eat. She had fat phobia. Fat phobia controlled what I ate. Suddenly she was too busy to take care of that- at the same time as I had to stop taking ballet lessons. I often heard her say I ate much. She was comparing it with what she ate, forgetting our bodies is very different. 

Uncertain about what and how much to eat because I didn't think of following my body signals I looked at how much others ate. Everyone ate different amounts so that was confusing! I ate as my friend when I hanged out with her and like my boyfriend when I was with him. I loved the freedom it gave me when I could afford to buy my own food. The problem then was I ate too little because fat phobia became my guide again, just like when I was little. My mums voice had become internalized as the voice of anorexia. I listened to it because I was used to be controlled by external factors instead of my body.

Food is a social thing. When I was restricting I was lonely. I ate alone. I had experienced traumas I needed to talk to someone about. I needed love and attention. To not get that made me insecure. To be on the safe side I ate too little and exercised more than others (before I drained the body completely). 

I wanted to be thin to empower myself, be more confident and free socially, but when I restricted I felt too weak to be happy, horny and social. The outcome was the opposite of what I was aiming for: I got weaker, more insecure and lonely.

I tried to connect with my dad, but all he saw was my body. I tried to connect with another man I hoped could be my father figure, but also he only focused on my body. The body was in the way of true connection. Mum too was only seeing the body, not me.

Another thing I found problematic with my body was when I was sexually aroused, boys could think that meant I wanted sex with them, even though there were no love in the picture. 

When I was younger I acted without understanding why, but when I look back and ask myself what happened before this and this act I can understand myself. Also I have asked myself how come I felt so unworthy at certain times of my life? What happened right before this? When we have most of the pieces in the puzzle we can see the big picture. It is breathtaking.

The world is ruled by love, but people either don't believe or care about that. They focus on the physical and are miserable because they don't feel appreciated. They are so materialistic they think they will be appreciated if only they looked different (women) or got a better job (men). If we only put others before ourselves like Jesus advice us to, remembering that everyone feels miserable, because very few or no one appreciate them for who they are. Be there for each other so the material/bodies/money will loose its appeal and they will feel appreciated and no longer have the need to change something perishable to feel loved. For women it is crucial to dare to be vulnerable and open up to let the love in. For both it is important to be authentic.