The anorexic: A twisted idealist?

I can't distinguish anorexia from the intolerance I have against the imperfections of the whole world. Anorexia doesn't just want to correct the body, but every imperfection. Gwyneth Olwyn who managed Your eatopia, now called  ED institute, has written that 2/3 have a gene that activates anorexia if we diet, but I was a an intolerant perfectionist since I was small. I wanted to perfect what ever needed perfecting so when my body bothered me I tried changing it. When I was 16 I said to myself I wanted to be responsible and get my shit together so improved my diet, started exercising more, got a new job and started reading about self improvement. I did not want to be treated like a stupid sex object anymore (by men who are not much else themselves).

Anorexia is not a demon who wants me dead. It is the intolerance in me that sometimes wants to die from all the misery and pain in the world or when I am very disappointed in myself. Note that I wrote disappointed in myself and not in my body.😉Anorexia is the part of me who can't stand imperfections, who are downtrodden and tired of disappointments. It is the immature who rebel against what is bad instead of taking responsibility and do something to improve the world. A fierce rebel that isn't afraid of going to the extremes and tear it all down. The fear of weight gain is the repulsion against imperfections and of being too much. Anorexia is just a small part of a person who feel an urge to improve herself- which is good if done correctly.

We all have destructive tendencies powered by hate, fear and anger we must keep in check. People are destructive in different ways. Those who destruct their bodies with food restriction is called anorexics, those who destruct their bodies with drugs are called drug addicts and so on. I think we can turn the destructive tendencies around when we understand that what we really want and are trying to do is to improve ourselves. Instead of improving in a rebellious way (hunger strike) that just makes us more miserable we should improve ourselves (and not our bodies). 

We all just wants to be happy. The drug addict gets happy every time she takes a drug, but in the long run she gets sick. When the anorexics starts restricting they often feel an abundance of energy and they lose weight quickly. They feel empowered by attention and compliments. As time goes by however they get sick too. Both the drug addict and the anorexic continue their behavior even though it's no fun anymore. I don't think they continue because they want to die, but they have less strength now to resist death and they don't have another strategy to become happy.

I think if I am happy about how I am (serving the world) my happiness will prevent me from dwelling on imperfections. If I think I make people happy I will not beat myself up for feeling unworthy. I think the quote from the bible that is spread around saying: "If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat." A young woman who hasn't started working yet. Who may feel like an economic burdon on her parents and doesn't contribute in any way may have this quote in the back of her mind.

I think this body reducing and purification strategy is a failed attempt to be free from feeling I am "too much" as mentioned earlier. Pure from self; Emotions, needs and sexuality. When growing up I didn't learn anything about developing virtues and how caring about others is a way to happiness. If I had I don't think I would have chosen a twisted form of selfless behaviour like anorexia. People who serve others selflessly experience a feeling of being pure and light, and they find it freeing to forget about themselves. I think those with anorexia needs love (in a way they understand as love) before they can be mature enough to love and be free that way. When they feel loved they may spend less time focusing on what needs correction and more on how they can improve the world. It is crucial that they reach out for support (get loved) first so they get what they need that can be shared, or they may beat themselves up for not having anything of value. (Speaking from experience.)