Sugar

I am in week 9 of my recovery now. All I care about is food. I eat above 3000 calories a day now. When my fiance' is suppose to come I ask myself: What for? I am lulled into a food prison. I am enjoying sugar like a kid that has been punished to never have sugar for 8 years and is finally free. My strict self or ED voice hope this honeymoon phase of recovery is soon over because she feel bad about the unhealthy foods I eat and are of course not happy about the weight gain. I am wondering if I eat so much sugar because I think this is just temporary before I start restricting again. Because I have been thinking it should only be allowed to eat sugar in the recovery phase and not after. Going from one extreme to the other and back, but now with more calories. Now that I am closer to balance I am questioning this. What if I want to eat sugar the rest of my life? I am enjoying this! Then I should not restrict, but enjoy myself like many other people do, should I not? They have cake, chocolate and ice cream even though they are not recovering from anorexia. It is normal. It will make my weight higher, though, but should I even care? Not sure yet. Maybe I should try to embrace that thought and make it into my life. Maybe I can relax a bit around the sugar if I understand that I can have it any time. Not just for a limited time.

After some days trying this I am able to eat less sugar on a daily basis. I listen carefully to my body and just add some sugary snack at the end of two of my meals. I eat 4 meals a day. No snacking between meals. I feel good about this. Then I eat enough, but not too much. I eat what ever I crave now except the foods that is not available here.