If I say I have been fighting against and tried to ignore my body because I don't want it to matter as much as many people think it does and I want to be seen behind the body, do anyone recognize themselves? It backfired though; To try to ignore and fight my physical body just made me more aware of it. I have been sick of my parents who can not see longer than the material aspects of things. Who never cared about me, just bodies and other things. Anorexia is like a hunger strike against the massive focus on bodies instead of souls, not sure how to live, survive in such a world so being half a ghost is preferable. Looking forward to a heavenly world where one does not have to eat, does not have to feel pain, will not be seen as a body, but where every thought and feeling is exposed like an open book. Transparency finally!
Holy anorexia is to have too high expectations. Expectations that can not be lived out at earth, just in heaven. I wanted to be selfless, serve others day and night on no food, no drink, no rest. I beat myself up all the time for not being able to fulfill those expectations. Angry that my body hindered me. Needed something all the time. Distracting me. It is hard to accept that we need to spend so much time on taking care of a physical body, a garment and tool for communication at earth only. A body well nourished is also distractingly sexual. Sexuality is also such a huge and difficult topic when one is a perfectionist who also doesn't want to let God down.
I feel very alone with these thoughts as if I am the only one who has them. I looked up to saints who only ate communion bread. When I recently checked if they were anorexic I found that they were. Of course they were. They were not so holy the physical laws no longer applied to them as I thought. I thought I could be like them and become so holy the physical laws no longer ruled over me. They died of starvation. What a wake up call that was for me to read. Lower your expectations! God wants us to be realistic and spiritual. Spiritual, not only alone, but in the horrible world where people lie, murder and steal too. A difficult task indeed. To see the good only. To believe in the good in people no matter what they express so the good can come out. Be good to attract the good in them.
So much easier to hunger strike against what I don't like than to be what I would like to see in the world myself. Try to focus! There is so many distractions as there is people in this world. Find your path. God will guide you. What questions is important for you to find the answer to? What experiences is most important for you to experience?
Holy anorexia is to have too high expectations. Expectations that can not be lived out at earth, just in heaven. I wanted to be selfless, serve others day and night on no food, no drink, no rest. I beat myself up all the time for not being able to fulfill those expectations. Angry that my body hindered me. Needed something all the time. Distracting me. It is hard to accept that we need to spend so much time on taking care of a physical body, a garment and tool for communication at earth only. A body well nourished is also distractingly sexual. Sexuality is also such a huge and difficult topic when one is a perfectionist who also doesn't want to let God down.
I feel very alone with these thoughts as if I am the only one who has them. I looked up to saints who only ate communion bread. When I recently checked if they were anorexic I found that they were. Of course they were. They were not so holy the physical laws no longer applied to them as I thought. I thought I could be like them and become so holy the physical laws no longer ruled over me. They died of starvation. What a wake up call that was for me to read. Lower your expectations! God wants us to be realistic and spiritual. Spiritual, not only alone, but in the horrible world where people lie, murder and steal too. A difficult task indeed. To see the good only. To believe in the good in people no matter what they express so the good can come out. Be good to attract the good in them.
So much easier to hunger strike against what I don't like than to be what I would like to see in the world myself. Try to focus! There is so many distractions as there is people in this world. Find your path. God will guide you. What questions is important for you to find the answer to? What experiences is most important for you to experience?
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