Distorted body image and goals

Only when I coincidentally saw myself in a mirror or glass window I saw how thin I was. I was always surprised. Also when seeing myself on photos. When I looked in the mirror I looked bigger. I know why. I was looking for fat. If I had looked for thinness I would have found it, but I was just looking for fat. To see if I needed to improve, lose more weight. As long as I saw fat I saw a fat person and I could continue trying to reach a goal (weight). I felt safe when I was dedicated to reach one so I didn't want the goal to be reached. I knew life wouldn't change when I had reached it so when a number was reached a new goal number was set. It was tempting to try to reach an even smaller number. Risky- so it was enticing. Like walking on a thin bridge with no support between two mountain cliffs. From one life to another. The other mountain was an illusion I was dreaming about. I wished I reached it by changing my appearance. When there was no more fat on my hip I wanted to get rid of the hip bone. Never happy-
and that was the problem. I was not happy and to change my body could not change that, but I wished it could because I didn't know what else to do to be loved. Would people love me if I was more delicate?
I could not change others. I could not change the size of the heart of my parents. To accept that those who were important to me did not love me the way I needed them to was hard as bones. I had to deal with it eventually. When all that is left is bones and they still don't love you enough to want to see more of you what do you do? Let yourself wither away completely or find someone else to love you?

I left my dad when showing my bones didn't make him care. I also had to be very skinny before mum finally noticed me. I guess that was the whole idea of getting thinner: To be noticed. I would stop at nothing to be loved. Life is dreary without it and I knew that love awaited on the other side if I died before anyone cared. My mum stopped me from getting too thin to live, thankfully.

I know now I have to be loved before I can love myself and others and I did not give up on finding it. Even though my dad didn't love me the way I needed him to did not mean others could not. It was not my fault he did not. It was the size of his heart that did not receive my love. How little mature he was.