There is no need to fear "losing control".

I have feared losing control and it is also common among others with an eating disorder.  It is not just the fear of eating too much if we eat according to the body's needs we fear, but also the fear of expressing what we feel.

No wonder I have so few close friends when I have been acting so cool all the time, always in control and ready to serve them. I was always holding my feeling back. When I felt that someone cared about me I was able to express my emotions and feelings, though, but I see there is people who express their feelings no matter if people care or not. And that is what I experienced I had to do the day God wanted me to face my biggest fear; to have no choice but to express helplessness, fear and despair in a room where several people had no compassion, but negative thoughts about me, for being hysterical and consumed in myself.

But what I discovered underneath the fear was amazing. While I had no control of my emotions I found acceptance and peace inside of me, so it didn't matter and it was no threat to me, that the others did'nt have compassion for me. I felt I in a way had more control than ever this way, even though I did not curb my emotions, because my view was wider, I was more alert and I could feel what all the others felt as well. To express emotions without restrictions is not the same as having no control. You can still stop expressing them when you need to do something else.

I remember also the times I ate without control that I was beside myself while I did it. That is not being without control. It is action without restriction.

I learned at home that crying just because something bad had happened to me was wrong. That was self pity and detestable. That is why I did'nt dare doing it. Only crying because something bad had happened to others was ok according to my mum. But that is so wrong, you know. Those who feel self pity don't express more than the superficial amount of the sorrow. They don't feel the pain and the depth of their sorrow.

I have been afraid of expressing my emotions because I thought I could be detested and rejected if i did. I have experienced that while crying. While I was crying very openly I felt my mums negative thoughts about me as black needles penetrating me.

Now I see that I have overcome this fear a long way. I don't think there is any point restricting my emotions, thoughts or the body's attempt to still its hunger. I can take care of my self even though others don't care. I don't ask for approval anymore.

There is no need to fear losing control even though a lot of overly masculine people fear this feminine aspect of human beings.