Oh God, I'm caught in the trap!

I was not just nervous yesterday. I panicked and hyperventilated by the thought of continues weight gain. I think I looked awful when I had a weight 10 kilos more than now. Awful! I don't want to go there. I don't! There is no way out of this trap if I can't accept the weight gain. I came this far, but to accept even higher weight is impossible. I said I could accept it, but that was just in my fantasy. I was desperate and hopeful, I guess. I am so confused. What a defeat! I gained so fast. Oh oh oh! :( I don't dare to eat beyond minimum anymore. I don't even dare to eat minimum. If I was alone in this world I could eat what ever amount I wanted, but i am not. I think i will reduce and see if i feel worse or not. Oh, this is no good. I just wish I knew if it is normal for anorexia recovered people to reduce the calories when coming to a healthy BMI or if they eat the same amount. According to MinnieMaud one should continue eating minimum. I don't know about any other guidelines.