28. feb. 2015

Uoppnåelige mål.

Det er tragisk når man anser seg selv som en taper fordi man ikke når urealistisk høye mål. Som å være totalt uselvisk og arbeide dag og natt uten behov for mat og hvile + å se ut som de tynneste modellene, med et beskjedent smil og samtidig være ukuelig sterk. Å bare ville styre og perfeksjonere,og ikke ta hensyn til andre behov enn de spirituelle.


O SØNN AV DET HØYESTE!
Til det evige kaller Jeg deg, og likevel søker du det som forgår. Hva har fått deg til å vende deg bort fra Vårt ønske og søke ditt eget?
O MENNESKEBARN!
Overskrid ikke dine grenser, og still ei slike krav som ikke sømmer seg for deg. Fall ned for din Guds åsyn, for maktens og styrkens Herre.

Bahaullah

The myth about set point weight. (Body composition)

I see in many exercise blogs (written by quasi-recovered anorectics or some who is restricting) that there is a wish and a misunderstanding that the set point weight can be almost bodyfat-free by using strength training and strict diet to exchange the fat-tissue to muscles so muscles take up most of the space under the skin, and fat very little. This must be wrong. It is not the number on the scale it self  the body has in "mind", but the size every organ should have to function best. We need body fat, and to exchange fat to muscles is not healthy or natural. To do so you have to worry about diet. You have to restrict. You can't go from anorexia recovery to strength training and controlled diet and say you still are recovered (and not fallen down to quasi-recovery). I think the body knows how many procent it needs of the fat organ to protect the inner organs and produce enough hormones. The "healthy" exercise culture is pretty disordered, I'm afraid.



Følelsen av å ikke kunne velge var der i mange år.

Dette kjenner jeg meg igjen i. Her er artikkelen utsagnet er hentet fra http://m.db.no/2011/10/13/magasinet/god_torsdag/helse/sykdom/spiseforstyrrelser/18566355/?www=1 Hun ble frisk ved å følge drømmen sin.

Den spirituelle årsak til anoreksia.

http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2014/12/30/target-weight-recover-but-not-too-much.html
Her sier Gwen at spiseforstyrrelser skifter form fra en tid til en annen og fra en kultur til en annen, men er i essens det samme. Når hun bringer frem eksempelet om den religiøse begynner jeg å grine og mister helt lysten på de jordbærene jeg spiser, og får assosiasjoner i fleng. Av magre kropper som ofrer seg i fengselsceller og nonner som utpiner seg i trange rom i ensomhet og forestillinger om Gud, og jeg føler et sug etter den hellige anoreksia (igjen). Men den hellige anoreksia feiler fordi den kun viser uselviskhet symbolsk, og blir kun selvutslettelse.

Man må gi kroppen næring for å være uselvisk og tjenende. Vi trenger ikke være redde for at vi av Gud skal bli oppfattet som identifisert med kroppen, kjødet, selv om vi mater denne delen og føler de lave følelser, og til og med noen ganger mister besinnelsen og gir uttrykk for disse lave følelser og drifter. Vi trenger ikke å vise at vi tar avstand til den om vi er løsrevet på ordentlig. Vi trenger ikke å bevise noe for Gud eller mennesker. Det er kun oss selv vi trenger å overbevise om er guddommelig, for å være det, gi uttrykk for det.

Årsaken til anoreksia har jeg oftest tenkt er at jeg har følt meg sviktet av foreldre og venner, og delvis pga objektivisering (menns sex-fokus og mine foreldres materialistiske syn) jeg opprørsk sultestreiket mot, men innerst inne er årsaken spirituell. Og denne er av størst betydning. Den handler om det jeg nevnte ovenfor; min higen etter det guddommelige jeg ønsker å identifisere meg med og avstandstaken til kjødet. Som sagt feilet jeg ved å velge anoreksia fordi man får ikke avstand til det man hater og ikke vil vedkjenne seg. Kun ved å elske, akseptere, kroppen (ta vare på den) føler man seg løsrevet fra den. Da er man det man vil være. Da er man kjærlig. Da er man omsorgsfull og tjenende.

Dette er anoreksiens essens. Det handler om en feilslått måte å gi uttrykk på sin sanne identitet på.


27. feb. 2015

Fat is not ugly anymore.

My view on body and fat has been assigned from men. I have looked at my body with their eyes. Now i don't think fat is scary sexy or a flaw anymore. I do not have a dirty mind anymore. I think fat is charming, sweet and feminine. I'm going to own it! I am nor going to cover up my body just because i hav fat on it in the coming summer. I am going to love my body. Show my legs and arms and expose the fat on my thighs with skirts. I want to be a role model for loving what is real and what is natural.

23. feb. 2015

Feel like shit?

It doesn't help fixing your appearance to feel less like shit, even though you may look like you feel or not. You can not control how you feel, by controlling your body or not, but you can control what thoughts to believe in, that are related to feelings, and you can control your behaviour that also are related to feelings. You feel shit. That feeling will pass. Do something nice for another and you will feel better and more valuable.

22. feb. 2015

Parallell

I often think it is so strange that we need so huge amount of food and sleep. The body needs so much attention! I have struggled with this, wanting it to need less so I can care more about other needs, non-physical needs. But now I saw it is a parallell between what God does to us and what we do to out bodies. We are far from perfect and have constant needs to fill so to bring out the best in us. God always takes care of those needs, without questioning our value and the fact that some part of us is temporary. That is what we shall learn too; love implicitly. We can not say we love if we don't love everything and everyone. Even though our bodies are imperfect and temporary we shall love it, trust it's latent wisdom and goodness, and take care of it as if it was an innocent and needing child. It is not always wise to think of us seperate from the body, because if the body is taken care of we have energy to do well towards others and we feel good and happy. I am not able to share happiness when I have not allowed my body enough sleep and food. And if God don't care about me I have nothing to give either.


Oppbyggingsmat

Her er bilder av noen av de matvarene jeg bruker mye av:







Calories or life-energy.

This kirlian picture is of a hamburger. The energy seen is from the vegetables that come with it:

Even though a burger have more calories than half an apple the half apple have more life energy:

I know what I choose to build up my body with. 

17. feb. 2015

Å kjenne former = å føle seg sexy.

Jeg følte meg stor i dag pga den plutselige økte vekten (pga mensen?) og fordi puppene var mye større og ikke til å unngå å kjenne. Dermed følte jeg meg også sexy et øyeblikk. Enten er jeg tynn, jentete og aseksuell eller med voksen kropp og sexy. Nå er det ufarlig å føle seg sexy. Og derfor kan jeg tørre å bli større. Det er jo ingen ekkel følelse i og for seg. Helt grei. Litt morsom også kanskje. Lenge siden jeg har opplevd kroppen slik. Jeg har ingen tanker om overgrep lenger.

Jeg var hos akupunktør i dag. Hun viste seg å være en ekspert på triggerbehandling. Jeg ble glad for endelig å komme borti en som gadd å gi triggerbehandling. Hun vrei en nål nedi muskelknutene. Hun gav meg elektroakupunktur på magens og miltens (som var utslitt av matmangel) energibane og vanlig akupunkturnåler på lunge (sorg), lever (fort sint) og tykktarm (vet ikke hvorfor akkurat den, men det punktet vet jeg er mye brukt), og en mellom øya (som jeg tror er noe alle får for å roe ned sinnet).Hun  tok to nåler på levermeridianen og to på enten milt- eller magemeridianen. De er partnere så det spiller ikke så stor rolle. Lunge og tykktarm er også partnere. (Jeg kan litt fordi jeg har noe utdannelse i kinesisk medisin og fotsoneterapi. Lærte alle meridianene utenat, ernæringsterapi, blomstermedisin, øreakupunktur m.m.)

Blood in my knickers!

Woke up this morning surprised to find blood. I did not expect my period to come so soon. But I am happy! I eat around 2300 calories now and I feel that helps to gain. Thank God I say, because I could not manage to eat more than I do now. My tits are tender and feels bigger. And there is fat on my hips. My nerves feels protected and stress and anxiety is almost gone at all times. Sometimes I ask my self if I really am doing the right thing eating so much or that I am crazy (because it is so opposite of what i have done my whole life). I also wonder if I can handle a big body, but then i remind me that sickness and death are the option, and that restriction may feel safe, but is far from it.

I am doing great. I have no energy, but I am fine. It will come. Maybe i have to wait years, but I will have my energy back some day.

Now i understand that i have little energy because my body wants the energy to heal. Last time i tried gaining I stopped the recovery because i thought i had less energy because I was so little active. Stupid me. I also understand that it is not at a certain weight I lose and get my period. It is the amount of food that decide. If I eat 1500 calories I lose it. If I eat 1800 or more (not sure about the number) I get it back.

16. feb. 2015

You are a gift!

Some parents perceive their children mostly as burdons. The consequence from that is that the children will be exactly that, appearently, because and when they protest against the attitude and actions the parents show because of their negative perception they will be perceived as a burdon. Those parents that perceive their children as a gift, on the other hand, will encourage their children so their qualities will grow and show. Parents who want to believe their children is basically good will find that it is true when encouraging their children to show goodness, and those who believe human beings are basically selfish will in lack of hope for something better just perceive selfishness.

if you go around thinking you are a burdon because you have been treated like one you may be exsactly that for people when you need the extra approval, or you avoid people because you don't want to be a burdon. If you think you are a gift you will give much good to people.

Will bone mineral density loss be reversed?

Bone mineral density loss is readily reversed if the patient is premenopausal at the time of remission and has about seven years or so ahead of her before entering menopause. For men who reach and maintain remission prior to the age of 50, they can expect to reverse bone mineral density loss fully as well. Should a woman be menopausal or postmenopausal at the time she reaches remission from an eating disorder, she will halt the progression of the bone mineral density loss (a “won’t get worse” rating). Should a man enter remission after age 50, he too can expect a “won’t get worse” rating for his bone mineral density level. Source:http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2013/9/11/reversal-of-damage-from-restrictive-eating-disorders.html#comment20540372

Thoughtful and trustworthy treatment plan.

I have taken out some parts of a long "article" named "guidelines for the nutritional management of anorexia nervosa" you can read if you click the link at the end of the first section. It is worth reading.

A weekly weight gain of 0.5–1.0 kg is generally regarded as optimum. There is some preliminary research evidence that a minimum weight gain of 0.5 kg per week results in greater weight gain at discharge than use of a higher minimum (Herzog et al, 2004). A gain of 1 kg per week requires an energy intake of 1000 kcal (4200 kJ) daily above the maintenance requirement. An intake of 2200–2500 kcal (9200–10 500 kJ) daily will promote weight gain of 0.5–1.0 kg per week in most patients. The rate of gain will slow down as weight increases, owing to an increase in metabolic rate and physical activity. It may be appropriate to increase energy intake to compensate for this or to allow a slower rate of weight gain in order to facilitate stopping at the agreed maintenance figure.http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/files/pdfversion/cr130.pdf

For those who eat carbs when refeeding: Hypophosphataemia may develop rapidly during refeeding; if severe, it can cause cardiac and respiratory failure, delirium and fits. Malnourished patients are likely to be phosphate-deficient. When refeeding begins, metabolism of carbohydrate increases and phosphate reserves may be exhausted. Ingestion of large quantities of carbohydrates, such as occurs during refeeding, may result in a precipitate drop in serum phosphate levels (Solomon & Kirby, 1990; Fisher et al, 2000; Winston & Wells, 2002; Hearing, 2004). Adequate amounts of phosphate should be supplied from the diet. A high phosphate to carbohydrate ratio can be achieved by including at least 600 ml of milk per day, and avoiding the use of sugar and high-sugar foods for the first week or so of refeeding. The use of prophylactic phosphate supplements has been advocated (Fisher et al, 2000) but has not been subjected to evaluation.

Some patients develop peripheral oedema in the early stages of refeeding. It appears to be particularly common in those who have misused laxatives or induced vomiting prior to admission. In severe cases it can lead to rapid weight gain of several kilograms, but usually begins to resolve in 7–10 days. Refeeding oedema should be distinguished from cardiac failure, of which other signs are absent.

Planning the diet should include particular attention to the following: • regular, stable intake of carbohydrate, to prevent erratic weight changes; • adequate intake of protein, especially for vegetarians, those who avoid dairy products and those with increased protein requirements (e.g. in infection); • adequate intake of essential fatty acids; • adequate intake of nutrients necessary to support bone mineral density (calcium, vitamin D, magnesium); • iron and zinc for those who do not eat red meat; • fat-soluble vitamins; • the need for long-term, well-balanced vitamin and mineral supplementation; • the need for supplementation with specific nutrients that are difficult to provide in adequate amounts from the diet, especially where there are increased requirements. Managing hunger should be addressed in planning.

For most people, it is not possible to abolish hunger while at a low body weight, although some deny it or appear not to experience it. A number of approaches may help the patient to manage hunger and prevent overwhelming craving. They include regular, frequent meals and snacks; eating slowly; including adequate amounts of starchy carbohydrate and, if possible, some fat in the diet; and constructing meals with a variety of foods. Some individuals may appreciate including controlled amounts of foods which they like but find difficult to allow themselves.

Oral feeding requirements The estimated average energy requirement in the UK for healthy girls aged 11– 18 years ranges from 1845 kcal to 2110 kcal (7750–8860 kJ) per day; for boys of the same age the range is 2220 kcal to 2755 kcal (9325–11 570 kJ) per day (Department of Health, 1991). As with adults, children and adolescents with anorexia require hypercaloric diets in order to gain weight, especially when approaching a minimum healthy level.
Most authorities suggest that teenage girls who are anorexic require an energy intake in excess of 3000 kcal (12 600 kJ) daily to achieve full weight restoration, whereas the American Psychiatric Association (Anonymous, 2000) recommends 70–100 kcal/kg (295–420 kJ/kg) per day. Energy needs are obviously greater in young, growing adolescents and it often becomes difficult for those with anorexia to ingest enough energy to gain weight. Increased energy needs continue into the maintenance period. Kaye et al (1986) have shown that people with anorexia require an extra 200–400 kcal (840–1680 kJ) a day for up to 6 months after reaching maintenance weight. Weltzin et al (1991) reported that recovering patients required 45–50 kcal/kg (190–210 kJ/kg) per day to maintain 95% average weight for height, compared with 30 kcal/kg (125 kJ/kg) per day in a healthy control group. The American Psychiatric Association (Anonymous, 2000) suggests using 40–60 kcal/kg (170–250 kJ/kg) per day during the weight maintenance period. It has also been demonstrated that people with restricting anorexia require significantly more energy than those with the binge/ purging subtype (Kaye et al, 1986; Weltzin et al, 1991).





15. feb. 2015

Lurer du også på hvor mye av vektøkningen som er muskler/ fettfri kroppsmasse?

Ifølge denne artikkelen http://ajcn.nutrition.org/content/40/6/1137.full.pdf viser det seg at anorektikeres vektøkning består av i gjennomsnitt 64,4% fettfri kroppsmasse, og at et kosthold med mer protein enn 12% av kaloriene ikke øker den fettfrie prosentandelen av vektøkningen mer enn den med 12% av kaloriene fra protein. Så til de som er redd alt man legger på seg blir til fett pga manglende styrketrening: du er fri til å slappe av uansett hva du spiser!:) http://wholehealthsource.blogspot.no/2009/12/body-fat-setpoint.html

14. feb. 2015

1 vilje.

Den kanskje mest verdifulle konsekvensen av å bli frisk for meg er at jeg nå (som jeg har valgt å bli frisk) har e'n samlet vilje (og ikke trenger å ha dårlig samvittighet for å velge motsatt av hva Guds vilje er). Kampen mellom det destruktive og det konstruktive er over. Det gode vant ved at jeg tok et endelig valg i stedet for hele tiden balansere mellom de to viljer, som på kanten av et stup.

Forskjellen mellom de to viljene ble mer synlig og markant etterhvert som jeg var nysgjerrig på bli frisk. Før det var den gode fortrengt for ikke å være i veien for Herr Ano. Det er kanskje et år siden jeg avdekket den gode vilje på området Herr Ano regjerte. Den ble avdekket og så dekket til igjen. Så fikk den komme til syne og romme en bitteliten del av meg. Så ble den bare større og større og til slutt større enn Herr Ano. Før dette identifiserte jeg meg med Herr Ano og opplevde fysiske behov, (som sult og søvn) som han ikke ville tilfredstille, som onde fordi han projiserte sin egen ondskap på kroppen. Jeg hadde idealer å leve opp til og tenkte derfor at det var av det gode å være nazi-streng. Idealene mine var å være uselvisk, ikke trenge noe, heve meg over det verdslige og forgjengelige. Jeg var som blindet for hans ondskap fordi jeg fokuserte på mine mål (idealer), lot meg lure av projeksjonen og stilte aldri spørsmålstegn ved hans holdninger. Jeg spurte ikke meg selv om jeg virkelig sto for holdningene hans fordi motivet var godt. Men når den gode vilje vant terreng ble det klart for meg hva som var godt og hva som var ondt. Jeg måtte samtidig rive ned de idealene som var umulig å nå. Den gode vilje gjorde at jeg fikk se realiteten. Og når den først er sett kan man ikke gå tilbake til det gamle, forvrengte synet.

Tidligere syntes jeg det var dumt når jeg leste andre skille seg fra anoreksien som om det ikke er en selv. Jeg visste ikke da at det gikk an å bli kvitt den. Jeg trodde jeg måtte leve med perfeksjonisme, mindreverdighetskompleks, motstand mot kvinnekroppen, redselen for avvisning osv. Alt dette som forsvinner sammen med frykten. At noen kaller det jeg kaller Herr Ano for det onde er helt forståelig nå siden den gode vilje har overtatt makten. Har ingen kalt Herr Ano nazi? Han er skikkelig nazi.

13. feb. 2015

Still dazzled.

I have eaten till I am full, till I am satisfied, at every meal for 6 weeks now, and I am dazzled about the feeling every time. I am still not used to it after all the time just eating some, and never enough.

And the same goes for waking up and don't have to worry about the amount of exercise I have to do during the day and the fear of lack of energy. I still get the thought about exercise every morning, and lucky me don't have to do any. And I don't do any. I go to the shop every second day, if i don't take the bus,  and do some yoga if i have energy (but just done it 2 times during the last 6 weeks this physical recovery has been going on).

To live a lazy life and eat a lot on purpose is very strange when it is the opposite from what I forced my self to for all my teenage and adult life.

Yes, I'm still nor used to it. But I am more relaxed and in a better mood. Some times I have a reality check because it is so strange observing myself behave so differently. I eat between 2100 and 2300 calories now, because I did not gain any when I ate 2000. I eat when I am hungry as much as I want. I have had some anxiety, but not more than a few times because I have a mindset that makes it pretty easy.

10. feb. 2015

My question and an answer I found from Gwyneth Olwyn about set point weight I think fit.

I wanted to ask a question because I could not find it on eatopia. But  later I found an answer on a pretty similar question. This is my question: 
According to youreatiopia we have a set point weight so we don't have to worry about gaining and gaining in recovery, but what about the fact that i gained in my teens before the anorexia when i ate candy every day and junk food? I wonder if I will be as big as then when i have recovered. Cause the set point theory says my set point should regulate so that I should not gain even though I ate more, so even though I gained weight at 16 was it not because of the bad diet/comfort eating? Was my weight the weight my body wanted then and also want for me now? Will I be as big as then even though i eat more healthy now in recovery? 
To become thinner than your body is natural meant to be (at your setpoint) then you have to restrict and that is uncomfortable and miserable would you not agree? You are eating less than you want and need, all of the time, and it hurts physically and mentally to do this. So to become heavier than your natural setpoint, you would have to eat more than you want, all of the time, and eat so that you mentally and physically do not want any more but still go on eating, to the point of being sick and miserable and in pain.  With the exception of people who have binge eating disorder, people just do not do this. (BED is however frequently misdiagnosed in those in recovery from REDs when the person recovering is clearly experiencing reactive eating or extreme hunger). Other than these circumstances, and those that suffer from Prada-Willi syndrome, people do not keep eating when they do not want to, when they mentally or physically do not have any inclination to eat, and are suffering if they eat more. Unfortunately, because of restrictive eating disorders, and the way that society is, people will suffer like this for the opposite effect of becoming underweight for their own body.
BMI is more accurate on the lower end because being underweight is not natural nor is it healthy (although there is a tiny percentage of people that are naturally on the very low end of a healthy BMI, yes). It is pretty obvious that restricting is going to cause problems when your body and mind are telling you to eat and you ignore it. The upper end of the BMI system is a load of crap because it has been adjusted to fit our society. Did you know that in 1998, the National Institutes of Health lowered the overweight threshold from BMI 27.8 to 25? The move added 30 million Americans who were previously in the “healthy weight” category to the “overweight” category.
The only way you go below your setpoint is to make yourself miserable by starving. The only way to go above your setpoint is to make yourself miserable by over-eating. If anyone is eating however much and enjoying the food, then that is healthy. If they are in pain and forcing it in to the point of suffering, then yeah, I’m sure you can go over your setpoint. But who do you know who does that on a regular occasion (unless you know someone with BED)? 

Starvation experiment by David M. Garner

A great remission accomplished story.

If you want to read about BMI, set point and numbers. http://www.youreatopia.com/remission-accomplished/post/2371655

8. feb. 2015

Eating disorder in a nutshell

I think E.D. is about being rejected (treated like air, abused, bullied or criticized) and feeling small because of that. Most importantly it is a way to survive the fact that she miss being recognized for who she really is underneath the surface and get the support she needs to overcome the feeling of rejection.

I think if one with this disorder are interested in therapy noone should ever say no to help her/him no matter the bodyweight and food intake.

7. feb. 2015

Vektøkning?

Jeg har satt vekk vekta de siste ukene fra den dagen jeg begynte å spise mer. (5 feb). Nå har jeg i 3-4 uker spist ca 2000 kcal, og i dag tørte jeg å veie meg og håpet at jeg veide 47 kg fordi jeg kjenner noe på hoftene. Jeg veide 45,5 kg. Det var ikke mye oppgang, om noe i det hele tatt. Jeg har ikke gått 60 minutter dgl engang, fordi jeg har nesten vært slapp annenhver dag alle disse ukene. Jeg har nesten bare vært helt i ro og ikke gjort noe yoga heller. Sterkt forkjøla eller bare trøtt og sliten hver dag. Jeg gleder meg til å orke å trene. Dette går veldig tregt, men jeg spiser alt jeg klarer, og nå må jeg fordele måltidene i fire fordi store måltider gir magesmerter.

Det kom ikke vann i kroppen denne gangen. Noe jeg tenker skyldes at jeg ikke har overanstrengt kroppen siden sist gang jeg gikk opp i vekt og fikk vannansamling. Herlig å slippe det marerittet en gang til.


2. feb. 2015

One great statement

I was allowed to put this, as I found in a E.D group, here on my blog.
I will thrive ! We all will  !! As eating disorder survivors we've gone through things that most people haven't. We've fought a hard battle within ourselves. Like Buddha said " It is better to conquer yourself than a thousand battles!" And all of us Eating Disorder Survivors have done just that !! I hope that we all make a significant impact on society. We each have a lot to offer.