Mens clothes

I buy mens clothes. I have done it since I was 16. Then I used ties and smoked using a pipe:)
When I am weight restored i will buy myself a nice suit.

I love hoodies. They are perfect for warming the neck when outside and they are comfy as I wear them in many sizes too big. The clothes can't be tight. I mostly wear thick cotton sweatpants, and love large mens shirts, mens boots, baggy jeans and winter jackets! I feel more feminine with mens clothes and more masculine in womens clothes. I only had a pair of heels when i learned to dance tango. I have a male friend who think women looks better in male clothes because they look more feminine then. He wears clothes that gives an illusion that he is hard and cruel, but when he shows his feelings he is the opposite of that illusion.

I think some of the reason I wear these clothes is that I don't want people to expect anything old fashion female from me, like my mothers vanity that takes her to serve men and reducing her self to an object in the process. I was surprised when she wanted me to be like her, a hostess too, when i was 14 or so. I was like: Really???

I would never put my self under a man like that and live to be desirable for men. I want to make that perfectly clear by my clothes that I do not want to look sexy and I do not want men to think I will please their desires.

To be skinny has been a way to not draw attention to my tits and ass, or the lack of them, but clothing will help a lot too.

I remember why I started wearing mens clothes so I know why i did it. It was when I began restricting my sexuality. Restricting eating was a perfect way to do it too, i found out the same year. Did any of you want to restrict your sexual desires too? In my teens I was scared of how attracted I was to boys and how much sexual energy I had. It was just too much to handle and I wasn't yet muture enough to have a serious relationship. And because I was immature it was hard to get attention from men and boys on other parts of me. All attention was drawn to my body. At this age I felt I really needed to get attention on a deeper level so I could get to know myself. When it seemed impossible to experience that anyone asked me anything to find out who I was I started my own project starving my appetites so i could find out myself who I was. By starving and make sure boys and men didn't look at me as an object with my new clothing style I got rid of distractions on the path of self discovery. It has been successfull. In my world everyone seemed self centered so this was my way of doing it on my own. With the help of God from age 21 when my eating stabilised and appeared more normal.

I still experience that people aren't interested in me (just them selves), but now I think I just have to make them interested. Talk even though they haven't asked me anything. (I have waited forever for that to happen.) Love myself so much that i take care of my self enough to talk when I need to and not wait for "permission". I think it still sucks when people don't listen very well, but at least I can express myself, listen to myself and reflect on that.

May 31, 2016 |

Answering questions

Question: Will my organs/body recover fully on a lower intake if it makes me gain weight? Will my body just gravitate towards set point weight whether i eat 1500 or 3000?"

You will restore weight if you eat what the body needs daily as if you where recovered, but that's about it. Healing takes extra energy, you know. There is no way around it, unfortunately. You can eat as much as it needs so it can be done with the healing and give you the extra energy for mood and movement.

If you eat 1500 you will stop gaining long before you reach your set point weight, but as I said, you will not be healed on that amount. I can't imagine the body will suppress metabolism that far, you know. So eating 3000, if that is your healing minimum according to the MM guidelines, is so much better. Your metabolism will be high when you have recovered, so you can eat what ever and how much you want for the rest of your life, you will heal much quicker and soon you have your freedom back. The freedom ED took as a payment for making you thinner.

Buy a beautiful dress in the set point weight size to look forward to wear:)
 
Depression and ED:
Problem: "I get angry at being depressed and that is when the eating issues really start to take hold."

Instead of being angry you are depressed try to care about the reason why you are depressed so you can do something about it. The reasons why you don't allow your self to be free to feel, think and do what ever you feel like is what needs to change. And that is false beliefs like "I'm not worthy" and shit like that you need to stop listening to, because it's bullshit and you know it somewhere inside of you.

You want to eat. ED don't. If you eat ED gets angry, not you. ED is the destructor, you are uplifing joy and love. Will you be you, strong and happy, or the weak, scared slave of ED that puts you in the shadow, isolation and depression?

Today

I talked to a very intelligent man right now. Not even him understood that for the body to come in balance it needs more food to compensate for all it didn't get. I don't understand why that is so hard to understand for people. It irritates me because then they might think I "get too fat" and "have got a binge eating disorder". Hopefully they admit they don't understand and lay low because of that.
Success and struggle: My hunger and appetite are still increasing. I almost reached minimum yesterday and will definetely reach it today. That took me only 6 days. That's how hungry my body is. The more I eat the more I want the next day. Wonder if that will ever stop before I have reached set point weight. That will take a while.

Overcome struggle: I have not been anxious, besides a little bit for the thought: "don't I eat too much now?" that I have to answer back: "Relax, you haven't even reached your minimums yet". Remember you need more than normal amounts."  (I think the body can feel it's fed with extra calories for healing and that I registrate that.) But yesterday when I layed my hand on my hip bones on the back before sleep I suddenly felt a bit of panick and thought "I can't live without feeling my bones!" Luckily a more reasonable thought came to assist and I understood it isn't the fat on the hips I am afraid of, luckily, but to be all soft. I have forgotten how it is to have fat on my body. Will even fat people be able to feel their hip bones on the back through the fat or not? It's exhausting to just eat and sleep. I mean it is exhausting being anxious.

The fuck it "diet"

It's so funny and I love my body because of this. All I do is eat and sleep. I wake up hungry after five hours of sleep at night, get up by the thought of food, eat, sit up for a little while with my computer, get tired and go back to sleep. Then I wake up after an hour or two later, get up by the thought of food and eat, are up for a little while and go back to sleep. This goes on and on. I call it speed recovery.

I found an awesome blog I want you to pay attention to. It's called and are about the fuck it "diet". Heard of it? No? This is so bad ass cool. This can kick start your recovery if you haven't started the journey yet. Take a look and read: http://thefuckitdiet.com/ It's so motivating, inspirational and healty minded (natural). It encourage women to be bold, accepting and natural.

I like being bold. I thought I was when balancing on the edge of death. That wasn't bold, that was reckless. To be natural, strong, caring and genuin is bold in the culture I/we live in.

The people who eat what they want, the amount they need and have a natural body are the boldest. Not those who are scared of not pleasing others, restrict themselves in every way afraid of rejection, exrecise even though it doesn't make them happy and try to fool people with a perfect image (and showing parts of life only) even though everybody knows human beings will never be perfect.

I'm going to eliminate the negative thoughts by the method taught by the woman behind the fuck it "diet". Like if there is a thought that makes it hard to recovery, f.ex. " I'm not worthy" you say it so you can hear it in 30 seconds and feel what the statement does to you while tapping your heart chakra. I tried it with " I'm not so important" and it works. When I had said it about 30 seconds the words had no effect on me anymore. It was just empty words. I didn't believe them anymore. Other statements can be: "fat people are weak","there must be something wrong with me", noone can really love me", "I'm a pig" and so on. Say it with the words you'd use. Drink some water afterwards. She explains this method in her youtube video and in this book are a lot of suggestions too:https://gumroad.com/l/foodbeliefs#

Im curious about this book: https://gumroad.com/l/VKSW#


iF YOU HATE YOUR BODY, THE HATE HASN'T GOT THE RIGHT ADDRESS.

iF YOU ARE DISGUSTED BY YOUR BODY, IT'S NOT THE BODY THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH.

The calories the first part of this week

I have had a natural increase of calories this week, from an average of 1520 last week. I have eaten according to my hunger and appetite. I have been relaxed about it. I find it interesting that there is no point in increasing mecanically as I had planned. It can happen quicker as you can see. When this happens naturally it's all fine.
Monday: 1681
Tuesday:   1828
Wednesd:  1918
Thursday:  2063
I will give an update in a few days unless I am too ashamed of a huge number at the end of the week:) Perhaps I am heading towards EXTREME HUNGER!! I am scared, I must admit. I don't like the idea of eating 2500 or more calories a day. On the other hand it is better to gain weight on that amount than on 1600 like some others do, you know. I guess it's just the number that freaks me out. I hope my body can gain on 2600 max and in this way avoid extreme hunger. I want a little bit of control:( Please! Please! We will see what I will do when the time comes.

I'm sorry I can't give you any weight numbers along with this increase of calories. I do not want to torture myself with that. I know I will probably gain 30 kilos anyway, so, it doesn't really matter. I think I will gain 30 and afterwards lose 7 kilos and not be far from overweight according to BMI calculators. How can a body be called overweight when it is at it's set point weight and the healthiest it can be? Stupid calculator!

Today i have felt there is some healing going on in my legs and feet. That is a good sign.

A dream 3 days after I jumped into project full recovery.

I haven't remembered a dream for so long. This morning I dreamt a vivid one.

My father drove me home from a place we had been further north in the country. We had a stop where he laid down in the grass and took my body on top of his, back down. He touched me all over. I was surprised because he never used to toutch me. Even my breasts. I first thought it wasn't on purpose, but he did it more, and definetely on purpose. I asked if he missed his wife. He wanted us to take our clothes off, especially my bra. A black bra came off and we laid down on the grass beside each other with our backs down. I rose up and found that bits of wood (about 5 * 3 cm) had penetrated the skin on my back. My fathers back was also full of them. I wondered if this was an attack of some kind of disease. We hurried removing the bits and turn back to the car.

Our next stop was at a cafe' so we could pee. My dad went first while I stood in the cafe' waiting. I waited a long time, and when he came out I had to wait for other men to finish. After a while I went in to see, but the toilet was still occupied. My father said I could actually pee where men stand to pee. "You got to be kidding", I thought, because there ayone coming in could see me. I decided to leave. We used some time to find all our belongings before we could. Our clothes were at different places. I even found my brah was still not on my body.

We took a new stop where his wife lived together with several other women. He on the other hand was heading to his house in the same town as me. In the kitchen I told some of them that my dad had caressed my breasts. His wife came in when I said it and looked disturbed. I  immediately thought I shouldn't have said anything and recognized that I once again had talked freely without thinking about the consequenses. I thought I could hit myself in the head.

Anyway, I think we stopped just to pick up something. When I was going back to the car the women followed me. I don't know where my daddy went. Perhaps he was in the car waiting. I wanted to express my energy and jumped around and made a terrible split in the air. One of the women understood my intensions and expressed that she wasn't at all impressed. She and the others began jumping around too. It was fun. On our right side there was a field. The sun was shining and a man and a woman was out there in a good mood.

Phases of recovery, in short.

Found on Youreatopia.com:http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2012/11/23/phases-of-recovery-from-a-restrictive-eating-disorder.html

Phase I- Edema
Digestive distress is common in this first phase: bloating, gas, pain and abdominal distention, diarrhea or constipation. You can alleviate this a bit by eating smaller amounts more constantly throughout the day. Despite all the physical discomfort of these early days, many experience a tremendous sense of relief and initial joy at eating in an unrestricted way. Carbs, sugars and fat feature prominently in the early phases and protein makes a surge later on. Hopefully, your craving for dietary fat has been strong (an important factor in healing the central, peripheral and enteric nervous systems). However, the restrictive eating disorder will not allow that relief to stand for very long. Soon you will find yourself starting to feel edgy and anxious.

1. Extreme hunger is a normal progression in recovery. It does not last. You do not ‘habituate’ to 6000-10,000 calories a day, but you need that energy during refeeding.
2. No one keeps gaining and gaining.
3. Your body has an optimal weight set point that it can and will defend.
4. Pain is normal. Rest. No weighing or exercise.

PhaseII
The body preferentially lays down fat around the mid-section to insulate vital organs from hypothermia.
For many this tends to be a phase of extreme impatience—following all the guidelines day and day out and yet still wearing floaty and stretchy clothes and feeling like an alien in your own body seems unfair. You may still be restoring weight and that will bother your eating disorder-generated anxiety. Your body may additionally need to temporarily overshoot its optimal weight set point in this process in order to return to a correct fat mass to fat-free mass ratio.

Phase III—bones, muscles, almost there
Assuming you have been purposefully eating to your minimum guidelines and responding to extreme hunger without compensatory restriction up to this phase, then you start to get rewarded for all your hard work.
Osteopenia and osteoporosis begin to reverse (the completion of that may take up to 7 years, but it begins to reverse in this phase).
The fat deposited around the mid-section is now beginning to be redistributed throughout the body. Fat mass increase disproportionately to fat-free mass in the beginning of recovery, and the fat-free mass play 'catch-up' with the fat mass. so, both fat-free mass and fat mass are proportionally present after a solid recovery effort, that is, eating plenty and resting plenty.
Hair, nails and skin begin to have increased pliability and suppleness.
You also start to feel more connected and self-imposed isolation diminishes. You feel less emotional blunting and start to want things for your life.
This occurs for many at around the 4-6 month mark, but for others it takes shape between months 8-12.

A warning from G. at youreatopia: Many lower intake because they confuse weight restoration with energy balance. I call it "recover, but not too much" and it's driven by sociocultural silliness rather than scientific evidence supported by the Minnesota Starvation Experiment and Andrea Garber's analyses of IP settings.
So keep eating minimum after weight restoration. The extra energy will be used for activety when it is no longer used for healing.