Do not wait on others

Why are we not taking better care of ourselves? Are we waiting for others to no longer judge before we do it? To take us seriously before we do? Do we wait for others to show love before we do? What if everyone is waiting for others to love us first? 

To get out of the ego / fear / judgemental mindset and into an open heart state we dare not do if we think people will be attacking, judgemental and angry, but if we remember everyone is loving beings struggling with an ego as they are at earth, we automatically become this loving being rid of the fear, the judgements and the ego by wanting to help people get rid of their fear, ego, judgements. See? It is a choice we have, to either defend the ego or try to get rid of it - for others. 

We can not get rid of it in ourselves just like that. It starts with caring about others, then we are free from the ego. There is no fear in love. I am inviting you now to think about all the people who struggle with fear of others judgements they have internalised in fear of rejection and anger because it suffocates them and the destructive behaviour that follows, both to themselves and others, and recognise if you feel an opening in you and a wish to help reduce their suffering. You are this loving being. The fear is based on illusions. You are free without even knowing it because you belive in those illusions. But that can change in a snap of fingers. You are not the one with an ED. Don't put labels on a loving being. Endless love united with everyone else who also are that love is what you are. There is nothing to judge. God does not judge, so why should we? God just loves us. That is all He can do. We can relax. There is nothing to fear. If someone would ever judge you they just have not understood this yet. How free they really are. You can not be rejected because we are all connected by love and that will never change. 

The constant

When my world was crashing down I would in the past think: I am still thin at least. It was my only constant in a chaotic environment. It is a meager comfort, though as it doesn't give anything, but false safety. I thought it would be hard to let go of this, but gradually it was disappearing when I focused on taking good care of my body instead of making sure it was thin. The point was to focus on the body, not necessarily to make it small, but to take care of it and let no one interfere after being sexually, verbally and physically abused. I tried taking care of myself the way I was taught, but my mum was not a good teacher or role model as she was restricting herself and had a lot of rules not healthy to follow. I was ashamed of being thin unnaturally and to be driven by fear. I wanted to be authentic and brave. I also hated that I was in my bubble because everyone else is too and don't really connect. I always wanted to connect, but was taught to be in my bubble as that is what others does. I believe in caring about others, connect and share burdens because that is when we get more aware and encouraged to do the right thing and heal. 

For me the desire to be authentic helped me recover because in the process one must question all the beliefs, preferences and values wheather they are taught or our own. Many are ingrained since childhood and can be hard to see if they are truly ours or not. I thought for a long time I only thought thin bodies were acceptable and pretty, but now I know that is what my mum think, not me. My fear made me think so, but deep down I am not obsessed about looks at all. I remembered how I felt as a kid about bodies and looks and that is how I found myself again, free from the my mum and society. It was my fear of weight gain (which hid the true fear which was fear of losing control, loose face, get uncontrollably angry, sad or scared, being ridiculed, humiliated and despised) which made me obsessed with a certain look. My parents both taught me thin is good, body fat is bad. 

Recovery is self discovery. I am the same no matter what is going on, no matter what I feel. I am constantly here no matter how my body looks. I will never lose myself. I am the constant. God is the constant that loves highly and unconditionally.

Spellbound

The following is written a little black and white to make it easier to understand and instead of the word "you" it could have been written "me". 

When the people around you that matter to you don't see you, only your body, naturally you will use your body to communicate to them that you are not your body, by shrinking it to say: See, I can shrink it, so it can't be me! 

Criticism can be like a spell that binds you to the critical persons view. You understand they only accept you if you live up to their liking, so instead of saying: "I am finding someone else to be around. Someone who accept me the way I am" you stay, because you don't know anyone who can see you for who you are. Everyone you know is the same way; Only seeing the obvious, not your soul,  so you are either trapped or on your own. As trapped you think: Ok, if I only make sure I am as thin as they want me to be, they will accept me and I can be fully me, free and seen. Its just my body that is the problem. That should be possible to fix.

But if they could not see you beyond the body when your appearance was not accepted, they never will. They could not meet your need of being seen beyond the body and kind of put the blame on your body for this lack. Your body was never the problem, but their lack of ability or willingness to see beyond it, and every body else, for that matter, was.

Their criticism trapped you. They got you now so they did not have to spend their life alone even though they only cared about themselves. They knew they could not attract you with love so instead they bound you with a spell implying you are unworthy of their love instead of admitting they have none. If they got you to focus on your body they could keep on focusing on the material stuff in peace. They had you in their world. The physical world. People like that will not compliment you or acknowledge ever, so you can be stuck there for eternity. You will never experience what you hoped for, to eventually be seen, to feel free. You will instead never feel you are thin enough because the love never shows. No matter how thin you get they are still just focusing on your body.

This goes for men as well. They see your body. See you as an object. No matter what you weigh they still do this. You are trapped in the physical world. 

I wish I had rejected my parents much earlier and been on my own until I finally found someone who could see me instead of being in this trap for so long. So many years went by before I had to give up the hope of being loved by them. So many years of misery. 

Do not do the same mistake as me. It is not the body that needs to change. You need to change what you focus on even though others don't. Let the people who only care about the physical plane care about it without you. Move on to the psychological, express your emotions, find your true values, your calling and find the reality. Leave the illusions behind and let those who love them live in them until they feel trapped and need you to help them out.

Turn the love around

The love you have for your pets or friends/family you can turn around to yourself and the needs of your body. When I felt my heart bleed for women with eating disorders depriving themselves food and rest, creating a hell for themselves as a cry for help that no one thought was for them, to show others how deprived of love they were, as a kid hoping to be taken care of, in need of a loving embrace to cry out their pain in, I realised I could give myself the same freedom I wished for others with an ED and by doing so I could help others get out of their hell. 

It is all about love and to start seeing through our own eyes instead of through others eyes, to understand that even though people treated us badly we are divine beings. Our nature is to love. Everyones nature is. So if we focus on getting over our fears, love is revealed. In the ED hell we chose to listen to thoughts of fear believing they were true. We are untouchable really. Love is untouchable. It streams everlastingly. Now we just live in a dream. The more fear we have the more stuck we are in it believing it is real. But reality is beautiful. It is paradise where everyone loves. We just don't see it because we are trapped in self made cages.

How to stop body checking

I doubt I would have stopped body checking as long as I fear weight gained and had the same goals. So working on accepting how ever the body needs to be to be healthy is one way to go about it. Another is to set new goals. Instead of the goal "be thin" have a goal of for example getting optimal health, taking as good care of the needs of the body as possible, getting strong (you feel stronger by eating enough. No need to do strength training for that.), get over fears, improve communication skills to get needs met more efficiently ( like non violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg), be more social, be more present with the inner child / the emotions and our needs on all levels of our being, have a daily meditation and prayer practise (instead of body checking you can check in on what you feel and need and use prayer beads if you need to touch something to calm yourself). 

Make a list of what is positive about weight gain / optimal weight for your body (type) for example. I can give you a list: No more feelings of stress and nervousness caused by hunger, no more extreme hunger, no more hiding my natural look and being ashamed of being fake, vain and manipulative, no more giving in to fear (of weight gain), being a body positive role model that indirectly tells others it is safe to look natural, be able to feel love instead of fear, be able to help others overcome their ED, no more dishonesty around food and exercise, finally relaxing and sleep better, less fragile.

Can you not stop weighing yourself?

I stopped because it is pointless to follow the water fluctuations and what comes in and out of the intestines, you know? I no longer have a desire to lose weight if it happens because of restriction because muscles always comes with fat loss when it happens like that and I view that as unhealthy and therefor undesirable. Restriction also reduce the metabolism I want to be high. I see no point in restriction anymore. It can not last and will show me in a manipulated version only. So if I am loved then the question will always be: Will I be loved if I was natural?

I thought not eating enough and be thin was going to prevent me from harm and rejection, but that is magic thinking. Thin people are not spared by pigs, assholes and selfish people. Thin people also lose control, mess up and get rejected. Thin people can also be met with contempt and judgement. To restrict is like holding a straw as a weapon and a skeleton for comfort. It is asking others to take care of something you are suppose to do yourself, but just never learned how to in a good way. What needs to be done is to learn that instead of looking like a beggar of maternal love, because no one will ever take responsibility for your well being like you can. You must find love the way you need it so you get support for the love you have in yourself.

Is it impossible to recover for certain people?

I think everyone can recover from an ED if they get the right tools to do so and the right support. Recovery can be likened with finding the keys to a lot of doors and all those doors reveals a part of the recovery landscape. The more doors I open the more of the healthy landscape I see. When the landscape is bigger than my ED world I move into the new one and just now and then I peep into a door to the old world, but then I am reminded of the fear based life on the other side and quickly go back.

So one actively look for the right keys. It can be topics about how to set boundaries, how to express emotions, how to find the right kind of love, how to tolerate all kinds of bodies, how to detach from thoughts, how to change mindsets, how to love, how to challenge fears, how to trust the body, how to eat healthy, how to not care about what others opinion is, how companies creates and benefits from peoples insecurities. The list is long.

For me it helped to watch a lot of recovery youtube videos, but most importantly my own questions to myself so I could understand why I did what I did, how it benefitted me, which of my unhealthy opinions were taught and not really mine, what my true opinions really were. Again the list is long.

First thing I did was to make a meal plan - that neither scared me too much to refuse to eat it nor was so meager I would be too hungry - and follow that. That gave room to think about all these questions instead of food/body/exercise/number/how to endure all the time.

Years in quasi recovery

I lived several years eating 1500 calories. Every day I ate the same foods to keep the calories in check and performed the same amount of activity. My days looked the same just to make sure I did not gain. It worked to maintain my weight, to be an anorexic person who don't end up dead, but I don't recommend it. I recommend to work on why you fear weight gain and replace the fear with love so you get a life, not just a quasi life.

I found out that my need for structure had to do with my fear of losing control of my emotions. I had strong emotions after a lot of trauma and abuse. I wanted to be "put together" within the structure I had made for myself. To be put together also means to be always tense. By living within this structure of a meal and activity plan I was not challenged, so no emotional outbursts would happen. I can get very mad in a second. I really hate it because I want to be a person who have control so I don't get hurt. I feared that I would suddenly faint on the bus not knowing what people would do to my body. I can also cry a lot. God wanted to challenge me on my fear of losing control in public so he made me lose control of my emotions even within the structure. He made me cry uncontrollably sometimes among strangers. Cry hard! Huge waves of emotions just came over me I could not stop.

I also experienced getting what later was called hysterical once I bled and the bleeding would not stop. Also something I feared I would be called. What I found was when I lost control I felt another type of control. I was detached from my emotional self and just witnessed it, untouchable. Thing is I did not trust peoples kindness. I was afraid they would bully, abuse or hurt me in some way if I was vulnerable, but God showed me otherwise. People showed respect when I cried. They just looked at me with kind caring eyes and when I was perceived as hysterical I thought the woman who disliked me or the situation was coldhearted. What she thought of me did not matter. Only what I knew was true mattered.

So ask yourself why you need the structure and challenge yourself so you can come to see that what you fear has nothing to do with your body and what happened to you had nothing to do with it either.

My ED is my mum un-personified

Mum taught me one should not eat until satisfied,  one should go to bed hungry, wait as long as possible before one eats, looks is utterly important, one must suffer to be pretty, manipulating the body in brutal ways is ok. She said I had to quit classical ballet (the core of my life) because she could no longer afford it as she needed to do plastic surgery. She bought me nice clothes when I was starved and skinny. When I had a normal weight she complained about how much I ate and how expensive the food was.  She could not help me look after my son when he was small because she had to wash her hair. Yes, it took the whole day and evening.

When I realised mum was my ED voice it was easier to recover because I never thought her opinions were wise or her values good. I got an ED to be seen behind my surface, but the strategy failed because she was too shallow to be able to, and my dad was too.

He was too scared to look within or go deeper than the surface so the anger he hid from his violent mother came out uncontrollably when his kids disturbed him. Mum divorced him when she caught him hurting the smallest one. He decided to no longer be our dad then and left the country. I was 10 by then. Mum hated him for leaving her kids and took the anger out on me who loved him dearly.

She was sexually abused as a kid and felt dirty and contempt. She thought she was disgusting so she never hugged me as a kid, even though she was one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. 

To change our appearance to prevent others from feeling disgust is easier than to clean the dirt inside. The ED focus is a cover to hide how bad we feel about ourselves, but if we heal our wounds; recover from our ED; discover who we truly are and help others do the same we become selfless and develop divine qualities which makes us free finally from the burden of a body and the focus on appearance. We no longer need to be understood because we understand ourselves, nor do we need to be seen behind the surface because we see it for ourselves, that we are pure love and there is nothing to hide. 

It is only when we cover up and hide our essence we see imperfections. The critical eye is the eye I was seen with by my mum. The critical eye is the one focusing on the surface and as through a magnifying glass see the small imperfections as huge and disgusting. It is the same as the evil eye. It is disgusting what only look with disgust. I inherited it from her. By making sure I saw the flaws before she/ my world did I hoped I could prevent criticism, but it made me critical with everything and everyone else as well. It made me evil, intolerant. I had to stop looking for flaws and I understood criticism is nothing to fear because those who criticise looks are only focusing on the negative, the surface and are disgusted by themselves. It is distorted and sick. 

"But how will I accept that the ED even happened" you ask.

By getting over the fear of weight gain and in the process of recovering we find out who we are. To recover from an ED is the journey to get to know yourself. While you were full of fear and acted accordingly you were a product of your environment. By recovery you free yourself from the collective and become a unique strong individual. By recovery you can also help the collective to improve just like you do, step by step, by sharing what you understand along the way. 

Do not fear who you will become when you no longer have an ED identity. You will not put on something new, but unmask who you always were. Remember the child you were? You have no age. You are innocent and forever pure. You are the one that loves the divine, the playful, the creative. You stand within God and share His mind who created you. All He is you are too, because there is no separation. You are not the thin one, the girl with an ED. You are Gods child. The precious one. The loving one. You are a star shining together with alle the other stars in the same sky. We all shine on each others. 

To recover is to remove the veils so you can shine again. The veils that says you are unworthy, that you are unloved (unless you are a certain way). The veils are so untrue they disappear as soon as you stop believing them. God is just there and honour your needs and take care of them. He knows them already. All you need to do is to be aware of what your need and look so you see them when they appear. Then share.

I gave up the fight.

It is a relief to let go, but to let go of fighting is not a defeat. It is to realise I don't have to fight to get what I need. I already have it inside of me. All along I wanted to draw other peoples attention to behind the surface, but to manipulate the surface never did that. It is not a defeat to give up doing it when one no longer need those others to be able to focus there oneself. To give up the fight is to stop the war against the needs of the body and me and choose acceptance of those needs. To stop the fight is to cooperate with the body. The body was never the enemy. The unaccepting view was. It is to choose love and health instead of fear and destructive behaviour that ruins health. It is to accept all kinds of bodies and flaws, it is to focus on the positive aspects of bodies and everything else. It is to stop trying to change an already brilliant creation. We have experienced it can not be changed long term anyway. It will always try to bounce back to fit its design.I wanted to be seen behind the surface because I value what is there and want to explore it. When I find other people and ways to do so and finds ways to deal with those who only focus on the surface of things, who are negative, critical and judgemental I found space to let go of trying to avoid comments from those who focus on the surface of things by manipulating my body. Those who are negative and critical will see negative aspects even in the most beautiful creation anyway. They can not be pleased. It will take a life time trying to and one is bound to fail.

We must take responsibility for our own recovery and well being. We must provide love for ourselves. Stop hoping to get it from someone who does not have it. We need to be loved to love. And then we can love those who can not love so they learn how to. My journey began when I prayed to God and discovered that for me to be able to connect I had to roll over the big stone in my heart. God is ready to heal when ever we are ready for it. I was desperately fighting to get love. I can love now. I can love my body, myself and those who "should have" loved me when I was small and needy. Turns out they don't even take themselves seriously. They don't even love themselves. They don't even have any insight in themselves. I gave up fighting because I have "won" what I was fighting for, but from the source of it, not blocked channels for it. Everyone can receive the potion they are receptive for from God. No need to fight because there is no competition or conditions. Just be like an open minded trusting kid.

I am almost there now. I am almost fully recovered.

I am not authentic when I act according to my ED voice and because having an ED means I act out of fear and that is really nothing to write home to heaven about. I have finally managed to break the spell and understood all the reasons why I have had an ED and what has kept me having one. My ED voice is a congIomerate of strong impressions I have got from people that has hurt and "made me" fearful. To avoid more bad experiences from such (selfish, shallow) people I have followed a set of rules. But neither those rules or anything else can hinder people to be assholes and as long as I fear these people I become like them. Focusing on appearance even though I hated that they did it! I choose health over appearance and love over fear now and I am out of the ED grip. Instead of ignoring or fear hunger when I feel hunger I think the body needs food and eat. Instead of getting stressed because I have no energy to be active I rest and remind myself I will get energy to be active later. I make sure to eat enough in the evening so the body has fuel to repair/heal during the night which is the time most of the healing is done. I don't fear that I will gain weight because it only happens if the body really needs to.

I am at a normal BMI now, but it is ok. I was thinking: Who am I to think I can change what God created? Do I think God did a bad job? Do I really think I can make it better? It will just force itself back to what it genetically is designed for anyway. What a stupid occupation trying to change an already good design just because my stupid parents and a lot of others in our society has a distorted, disrespectful and vain view on the body. Just because they are obsessed with appearance and can not see beyond it doesn't mean I should be like them. My mum is 86 years old now and told me yesterday she weighed only 38 kg. I have pushed her to eat more, but she always says that if she eats more it will get on her tummy. She is the eating disorder voice in my head with all the stupid rules. So no, I am getting free from the destructive rules and ideas she fed me. I will be supportive to every body, every mind, every heart. If someone stops liking me because I am at a normal weight it is probably just my mum and dad. I could not deal with that rejection earlier because I was in need of love they never gave me, but now I have found love from within and from others and find they need me more than I need them, because I have the love they never had for themselves.

From reverse dieting to food freedom

I am trying to find a way to go from reverse dieting to food freedom. 

I increased calories by doing reverse dieting instead of going all in. I could do so because I had not restricted hard and long this time. I started gaining when I increased to 2100, so I stopped, went back to 2000 and had to think. Will I track calories forever making sure I only eat 2000 so I don't gain, which is very similar to tracking when I restricted, or shall I let go of the control? I was thinking for months before I decided to take baby steps by first following a meal plan that is 2100 calories because I am hungry for more than 2000, stop going to the gym and stop following triggering people at instagram, instead just take daily walks in the forest and do some yoga now and then. So now I am following a meal plan where I measure everything to make sure I eat a set amount, but are not allowed to track to get the precise calorie intake for each day as I used to. I need to get rid of the habit of tracking everything, that is why. After a few weeks I will let my body have a bit more if it wants, like an orange, so I reach 2200 daily and even 2 and reach 2300 after that. Then I will throw away the list and eat freely, which will probably be very similar. But then I am very close to free.

What motivates me to get completely well from anorexia is to help others get free from ED prison too. I can not help anyone completely before I am over my own fears of weight gain. Which has been frustrating.

I am aware I may feel repulsed by a bigger body if I get one, but I will remind myself that this repulsion is from seeing myself through the eyes of my mum who was very critical, negative and so often looked at me with contempt, and that this contempt had nothing to do with my body, but her anger and hate towards my dad. I want to be free to eat in a way I support my body as best as I can. I want to feel good in my own skin. A pill for people with anorexia is supporting me. (Cyproheptadine) It makes me sleep better and enjoy food more. It takes away the stress so I feel like a kid again. Safe in my skin. I will eliminate my fears with love and understanding.

Edit 17 may. The plan was to increase calories slowly from 2000, but I was hungry for more than that and added orange and longed for full freedom so I went all in instead. After a few days of eating maybe 2400 a day I am no longer hungry for that much and ate maybe 2100 today. I thought yesterday that I might gain a lot by letting go of the boundaries, but I guess I am not going to gain much at all. It seems like I have balanced out calorie vice. I have already gained a few kilos so I am no longer underweight, but I am fine not being skinny. I am glad as long as I have a thigh gap. But I will not hinder the gap to be filled in if the body wants that.

I panicked once by the thought that I don't know if I eat more than before or not, but it lasted just a second. I reminded myself that when ever I am hungry I don't need to fear, but trust that the body needs it and give the body food. Normal people knows roughly how much they need every day and how many meals. I will do the same. Some structure is needed for everyone. I just went too far with it. 

Edit 25 june. I made a meal plan to have some structure, but I had no desire to follow it to the t so I went quickly back to calorie counting. I now eat 2300 daily so I am doing better anyway since I dare to eat enough. By counting I feel like I have reins on the horse to make sure I don't overeat as i would hate to gain unnecessary weight. To quit the calorie counting have to wait a little longer. Maybe do it one day here and there until I don't see the point anymore.

I also don't weigh my body. Since I ate 1600 a day weighing 51 till now eating 2300 my guess is I have gained 6 kg. 

How to make the shift from controlling to honoring the needs of the body in recovery.

When your intention to eat is to give your body what it needs to be healthy, measuring food and body weight becomes irrelevant, as those were tools used to decide how much the body was allowed to get of food and rest instead of listening to it. To get well you can decide to kick out the ED-dictator and be a loving human being instead. You can start honoring the needs of your body instead. Then you will give the body what it needs of food, drink, rest, activity..and how it looks when you give it the best foods and the at least stress possible you will accept because when you love you don't look for flaws, but see the totality, the positive and beyond the physical. 

You don't have to study your body in the mirror, you don't have to body check because when it is taken care of by you it is perfectly fine. You don't have to find the flaws to get rid of them before someone see them and comment on them because if someone would look at you to find flaws and comment on them you are dealing with a very negative person and someone without self control. This person needs help. You don't have to have such people as friends. You can find people who are positive, supporting and loving. You don't have to defend yourself against negative, judgmental people. You can leave them to themselves like other positive people would. And if it is your parents who are like that loving them will change them. They will learn from you and take better care of themselves too and later also be able to love you back.

You have to be the one to start loving you. Someone who have no love can not love you even if they wanted to. 

Vil vi slutte å skade kroppen da?

Når vi innser at det ikke er kroppen eller noe annet ved oss som er grunnen til at vi ble behandlet dårlig, oversett eller avvist, og at vi ikke kan hindre andre i å være drittsekker ved å manipulere vår kropp. Når vi forstår at vår verdi ikke bestemmes av hvordan vi blir behandlet og slutter å forvente anerkjennelse fra folk som ikke engang anerkjenner sin egen verdi, vil vi slutte å skade kroppen da?

Når du finner din egen verdi inni deg og lever i tråd med dine egne verdier sørger du for at du har det godt med deg selv og begynner ikke å tvile på deg selv når folk oppfører seg merkelig eller ikke gir deg det du trenger. Du tenker ikke at det er noe galt med deg selv da. Du begynner ikke å forandre kroppen din. Du trenger ikke at noen forteller deg hvor smart og pen du er fordi du vet det selv. Du vet at mennesker som har det godt med seg selv behandler andre bra - og hvis noen kritiserer deg, er det fordi de selv er redde for den samme kritikken og ennå ikke er overbevist om at det ikke er noe galt med dem.

Vi er alle mye mer verdifulle enn vi kan forestille oss. Vi er kjærlighet som uttrykker seg gjennom menneskelige begrensninger. Det er ingenting med verden som er deg. Du er fullstendig fri. Ingen kan bestemme hva du finner av verdi. Du er helt utrolig vakker. Så slutt å se etter feil. Det er ikke noe feil ved deg siden du ikke fikk det du trengte. Det er ikke din feil at du ble dårlig behandlet. Det er ingen feil. Alt er som det skal være. Du må bare lete på riktig sted for å finne det du trenger. Et sted som ikke er i denne verden overhodet, men i lyset i oven hvor du hører hjemme.

When will you stop fighting your body?

When we realise that the body and not anything else about us is the cause of why we were treated like shit, overlooked or rejected and that by manipulating the body we can not hinder others from being pricks. When we understand our worth is not determined by how we are treated and stop expecting recognition from people who doesn't even recognise their own worth!

When you find your own worth inside and live according to your own values you make sure you feel good about yourself. Then you don't start doubting yourself when people act strange. You don't think it is something wrong with you. You don't need anyone to tell you how smart and pretty you are because you know yourself. You know that people who feel good about themselves treat others well and if someone criticise you they are afraid of that criticism themselves and are not yet convinced there is nothing wrong with them. We are all much more worthy than we can imagine. We are love expressing itself through the limitations of a human being.

So why to I continue controlling my body?

For me it is about control. I am emotional and do not know how to control my emotions well. My fuse is so short and my anger intense sometimes if I get triggered and it wake up memories from past abuse. I attach all the humiliations onto how my body looked when the humiliations happened and when I think of gaining weight and risk looking like that again it makes me frightened as if it can cause more abuse. It is not logic, but I don't know how to shake it off. My emotions are stronger after all the abuse and humiliations. I have a killer instinct now I didn't have before. I have to control my emotions so I don't hurt anyone and my body that may attract more abuse. I get better year to year, but to let go completely is hard. I still fear humiliations and to not be taken seriously.


It i hard to recover when not knowing why you do what you do. I read somewhere that a cause could be to have a sense of control, stability, in a chaotic uncontrollable world (after trauma). That resonated with me. I think it serves as an armor, a defence mechanism, created after trauma. I asked myself: What if I just let go and eat more and gain weight? A lot of emotions comes up, fear, anger and memories of abuse comes up. So yes I think I try to prevent things like that to happen again, long time after they happened. To control the body does not help in that regard at all. It is like grabbing a straw of grass when falling down a hillside and hold on to it as if it is better than nothing while falling. I think it can help to learn how to set boundaries for ourselves and to heal past trauma. Abuse woke up a killer instinct in me. To control my own emotions is the difficult part and I wonder if that is why I focus on controlling the body instead. Like a distraction from the chaotic world and my emotions. Yes, I think that is the key: Distraction. Like smoking to get a break from it all and put a lid on the subconscious and a wall up towards the world.

I wonder if there is magic thinking at play here, hoping to control how people behave towards us indirectly by believing: "If only I change the way I look I will be free to be authentic because people will treat me with respect and kindness?" But we can not control other people. We can not prevent bad things to happen. We can only control how we respond to it, but that is the difficult part. To not react, but be genuinely how we want to be take a lot of energy. We have to be open and vulnerable, we have to care about other peoples feelings, be selfless. I think my bad self image is bad when I think about the times I was not nice. When I was out of control. Also when I look through the eyes of others who dislike me. I don't feel that I have cracked the nut for why I cling to the control of my food intake or I would have changed and would not feel fear and anger the minute I think of letting go of the control. Maybe it is my anger I try to keep in check by controlling my food intake? Maybe it keeps the fear at bay? To avoid feeling out of control in general? Feeling the powerlessness that is real? That I can not control other people, if they abuse or reject me? I don't know because I still cling to calculations and weighing. A crutch? I can not know anything for sure.

What I am sure about is humiliations is a cause of why I started manipulating my body. I felt repulsed, angry, humiliated, sad and what not by other peoples actions towards me, but could not express anything. The body stood between the person and me every time. If it was prettier maybe I would have been treated better? If I looked more fierce and strong maybe I wouldn't been seen as an easy victim? Or if I looked more child-like I would have been spared? I want to control my surroundings so I am not invaded or hurt again, but are only able to control my body, the part of me that is in the world. Because when something horrible happens I become speechless and freeze. I can not protect myself. All I can do is prevent things from happening. By avoiding people and manipulating my body. I should know by now it does not hinder me from getting hurt or abused at all. Still I continue.

Recovery affirmations that may help me personally

I have a fear of letting go of restriction, but also had a strong urge to break free from the anorexia prison
which is like a hand that squeeze my head it feels like a migraine.

I want to be natural. Not thin because I manipulate my body.
I want to be strong. Not so weak I can not help out when I am needed.
I want to be strong in my core, not on the surface.
I want to be selfless. Not afraid of criticism (which only says something about the one criticising).
I don't want vanity or fear make me starve or strain myself.
If I need rest I will rest. If I need to be active I will be active. If I need to eat I will eat.
Every body type is gorgeous. I no longer look at bodies critically. I only see beauty.
I see people, not appearance (only). I am not superficial like my parents. I don't judge.
I recover to be able to help others get over their fears and to love which is only possible without fear.
To be thin does not make selfish people less selfish. You have to avoid them and say no to them, not change your body.
You were not rejected because of how your body looked or anything else about you. Your parents just didn't know how to love and they were afraid to look under the surface.
They rejected your emotions like they rejected their own.
I am not gonna read the news.
I am not going to talk about anything negative about other people.
If I am critical to my body my body is still good enough. It is my mind set that is not.
I should eat according to how my body feels, not according to the appearance of it.
Fat is not bad, ugly or unhealthy.

Build yourself up.

The nature of the beast: It is not finished before you are in the grave. That is what you need to understand. It is the destructive force, it is death, slowly finishing your body because you want it smaller. Instead of letting it kill you slowly as it helps you get thin you could focus on how you can build people up. That will help you build yourself up too, because how can you help others if you have not helped yourself first? 

Maybe our purpose is to help others, but to be able to do so we first need to go through what others do? I do not want to say when my life has ended and souls ask what I did at earth "At least I managed to get really skinny." No, I want to say I tried to help people as much as possible so they could understand their own worth enough to take care of themselves and do the same thing. I have tried to help a woman with an ED lately and by doing so I came to a point where I saw I could not get further because I had not understood why I was destructive myself yet, but the motivation to help her motivated me to take a good look at the big knot in my mind and unravel what was there.

To get thin was a strategy to deal with selfish people when setting boundaries for myself was not an option as I was already invaded. When you get invaded it builds up hate, but if that hate is not possible to express to the people who did you harm what do you do with it? Selfish people also want you to take the blame! So you have to take it on yourself. If you had expressed it you might have killed the beasts and the hate doesn't calm down when they never say sorry. Also meaning it is not safe again. You can expect abuse to happen again. What do you do when the beasts can not be controlled? You avoid them and you try what you can to prevent abuse to happen again so you can feel somewhat safe. You make sure your body is less visible for the beasts, less sexy to avoid sexual abuse, less repulsive for the ones with contempt to avoid criticism and rejection. You do what you can do in a world that is unsafe because many have no empathy. They just take what they want and say what they feel like. But you are not weak. You were weakened for a while by rejection, invasion and abuse. It is harm that needs healing. Thing is you will get stronger when the healing is done and then you can easily manage those beasts. Because they are the weak ones as they lack every deed. Without love they are nothing. 

Build yourself up because the abusers have no pity. Build yourself up by the power of love and step on the beasts with your foot. What they say says something about themselves. As a channel for love there is nothing in the way that can be harmed. As a channel for love you are finally safe. Build yourself up because your love is needed by those who have experienced the same as you. 

I want to be natural.

When I am underweight I admire women with much more fat on their bodies than I have, but when I have restored my weight earlier I could not endure the same look on myself and admired the underweight bodies again so I went back to restriction every time. Maybe I admire the bigger bodies because my body longs to get more fat on itself? Wouldn't surprise me if it tries to trick me like that. I have recently started to get this urge to just no longer give a fuck about how many calories I eat a day (I count every piece of cucumber even and did it even while restoring my weight while consuming 3500 calories daily). I think my instincts I normally have under control have found many small holes to come up from after I have developed more love. I just no longer have the confidence to have more fat on my body, even though I think it looks so cute on others. On me it is just a sign of failure. I wish I could accept what ever amount of fat. I wish I did not get crazy from feeling fat on my stomach. Why is fat so horrible on me and so cute on others. It is unfair. Just kidding. 

I was so confident at 14 with my no longer thigh gap. I knew my face was pretty and guys liked me so I didn't care when an older guy said he wished I was thinner. But then rejection from my dad because of my bigger body than 4 years earlier happened and being seen just as an object by guys as well so being at a normal weight got difficult. We can not control others, but we can try to prevent shit from people by controlling our bodies, right? Or so I have thought. In reality I just avoided people. My dad was an ass no matter how thin I was and many guys desire women at any weight. Some people do not see past the material and pass their own nose. I think I did the right thing by avoiding certain people. 

We can do so much good if we just gave ourselves the energy. We can do so much for others. I am trying to help a lady who has an ED, but I can only get so far because i am in fear like she is. A fear that sits so deep because it is from trauma. I want her to get passed it. I have to get passed it to be able to guide her. It is all about love. Even the ED. Love, humiliation and rejection. You love, but others humiliate and reject. I just want to get over it, get through the big knot. I even want to be a proud role model with extra fat on my body just to say it is possible to be happy and chubby. I just need to mean it. It is more embarrassing to tell people you have to control your food intake than be natural. Please, me come to that mindset totally.