The constant

When my world was crashing down I would in the past think: I am still thin at least. It was my only constant in a chaotic environment. It is a meager comfort, though as it doesn't give anything, but false safety. I thought it would be hard to let go of this, but gradually it was disappearing when I focused on taking good care of my body instead of making sure it was thin. The point was to focus on the body, not necessarily to make it small, but to take care of it and let no one interfere after being sexually, verbally and physically abused. I tried taking care of myself the way I was taught, but my mum was not a good teacher or role model as she was restricting herself and had a lot of rules not healthy to follow. I was ashamed of being thin unnaturally and to be driven by fear. I wanted to be authentic and brave. I also hated that I was in my bubble because everyone else is too and don't really connect. I always wanted to connect, but was taught to be in my bubble as that is what others does. I believe in caring about others, connect and share burdens because that is when we get more aware and encouraged to do the right thing and heal. 

For me the desire to be authentic helped me recover because in the process one must question all the beliefs, preferences and values wheather they are taught or our own. Many are ingrained since childhood and can be hard to see if they are truly ours or not. I thought for a long time I only thought thin bodies were acceptable and pretty, but now I know that is what my mum think, not me. My fear made me think so, but deep down I am not obsessed about looks at all. I remembered how I felt as a kid about bodies and looks and that is how I found myself again, free from the my mum and society. It was my fear of weight gain (which hid the true fear which was fear of losing control, loose face, get uncontrollably angry, sad or scared, being ridiculed, humiliated and despised) which made me obsessed with a certain look. My parents both taught me thin is good, body fat is bad. 

Recovery is self discovery. I am the same no matter what is going on, no matter what I feel. I am constantly here no matter how my body looks. I will never lose myself. I am the constant. God is the constant that loves highly and unconditionally.