Years in quasi recovery

I lived several years eating 1500 calories. Every day I ate the same foods to keep the calories in check and performed the same amount of activity. My days looked the same just to make sure I did not gain. It worked to maintain my weight, to be an anorexic person who don't end up dead, but I don't recommend it. I recommend to work on why you fear weight gain and replace the fear with love so you get a life, not just a quasi life.

I found out that my need for structure had to do with my fear of losing control of my emotions. I had strong emotions after a lot of trauma and abuse. I wanted to be "put together" within the structure I had made for myself. To be put together also means to be always tense. By living within this structure of a meal and activity plan I was not challenged, so no emotional outbursts would happen. I can get very mad in a second. I really hate it because I want to be a person who have control so I don't get hurt. I feared that I would suddenly faint on the bus not knowing what people would do to my body. I can also cry a lot. God wanted to challenge me on my fear of losing control in public so he made me lose control of my emotions even within the structure. He made me cry uncontrollably sometimes among strangers. Cry hard! Huge waves of emotions just came over me I could not stop.

I also experienced getting what later was called hysterical once I bled and the bleeding would not stop. Also something I feared I would be called. What I found was when I lost control I felt another type of control. I was detached from my emotional self and just witnessed it, untouchable. Thing is I did not trust peoples kindness. I was afraid they would bully, abuse or hurt me in some way if I was vulnerable, but God showed me otherwise. People showed respect when I cried. They just looked at me with kind caring eyes and when I was perceived as hysterical I thought the woman who disliked me or the situation was coldhearted. What she thought of me did not matter. Only what I knew was true mattered.

So ask yourself why you need the structure and challenge yourself so you can come to see that what you fear has nothing to do with your body and what happened to you had nothing to do with it either.