My ED is my mum un-personified

Mum taught me one should not eat until satisfied,  one should go to bed hungry, wait as long as possible before one eats, looks is utterly important, one must suffer to be pretty, manipulating the body in brutal ways is ok. She said I had to quit classical ballet (the core of my life) because she could no longer afford it as she needed to do plastic surgery. She bought me nice clothes when I was starved and skinny. When I had a normal weight she complained about how much I ate and how expensive the food was.  She could not help me look after my son when he was small because she had to wash her hair. Yes, it took the whole day and evening.

When I realised mum was my ED voice it was easier to recover because I never thought her opinions were wise or her values good. I got an ED to be seen behind my surface, but the strategy failed because she was too shallow to be able to, and my dad was too.

He was too scared to look within or go deeper than the surface so the anger he hid from his violent mother came out uncontrollably when his kids disturbed him. Mum divorced him when she caught him hurting the smallest one. He decided to no longer be our dad then and left the country. I was 10 by then. Mum hated him for leaving her kids and took the anger out on me who loved him dearly.

She was sexually abused as a kid and felt dirty and contempt. She thought she was disgusting so she never hugged me as a kid, even though she was one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. 

To change our appearance to prevent others from feeling disgust is easier than to clean the dirt inside. The ED focus is a cover to hide how bad we feel about ourselves, but if we heal our wounds; recover from our ED; discover who we truly are and help others do the same we become selfless and develop divine qualities which makes us free finally from the burden of a body and the focus on appearance. We no longer need to be understood because we understand ourselves, nor do we need to be seen behind the surface because we see it for ourselves, that we are pure love and there is nothing to hide. 

It is only when we cover up and hide our essence we see imperfections. The critical eye is the eye I was seen with by my mum. The critical eye is the one focusing on the surface and as through a magnifying glass see the small imperfections as huge and disgusting. It is the same as the evil eye. It is disgusting what only look with disgust. I inherited it from her. By making sure I saw the flaws before she/ my world did I hoped I could prevent criticism, but it made me critical with everything and everyone else as well. It made me evil, intolerant. I had to stop looking for flaws and I understood criticism is nothing to fear because those who criticise looks are only focusing on the negative, the surface and are disgusted by themselves. It is distorted and sick.