I want to be natural.

When I am underweight I admire women with much more fat on their bodies than I have, but when I have restored my weight earlier I could not endure the same look on myself and admired the underweight bodies again so I went back to restriction every time. Maybe I admire the bigger bodies because my body longs to get more fat on itself? Wouldn't surprise me if it tries to trick me like that. I have recently started to get this urge to just no longer give a fuck about how many calories I eat a day (I count every piece of cucumber even and did it even while restoring my weight while consuming 3500 calories daily). I think my instincts I normally have under control have found many small holes to come up from after I have developed more love. I just no longer have the confidence to have more fat on my body, even though I think it looks so cute on others. On me it is just a sign of failure. I wish I could accept what ever amount of fat. I wish I did not get crazy from feeling fat on my stomach. Why is fat so horrible on me and so cute on others. It is unfair. Just kidding. 

I was so confident at 14 with my no longer thigh gap. I knew my face was pretty and guys liked me so I didn't care when an older guy said he wished I was thinner. But then rejection from my dad because of my bigger body than 4 years earlier happened and being seen just as an object by guys as well so being at a normal weight got difficult. We can not control others, but we can try to prevent shit from people by controlling our bodies, right? Or so I have thought. In reality I just avoided people. My dad was an ass no matter how thin I was and many guys desire women at any weight. Some people do not see past the material and pass their own nose. I think I did the right thing by avoiding certain people. 

We can do so much good if we just gave ourselves the energy. We can do so much for others. I am trying to help a lady who has an ED, but I can only get so far because i am in fear like she is. A fear that sits so deep because it is from trauma. I want her to get passed it. I have to get passed it to be able to guide her. It is all about love. Even the ED. Love, humiliation and rejection. You love, but others humiliate and reject. I just want to get over it, get through the big knot. I even want to be a proud role model with extra fat on my body just to say it is possible to be happy and chubby. I just need to mean it. It is more embarrassing to tell people you have to control your food intake than be natural. Please, me come to that mindset totally.