Great interview with Crystal Renn about recovery.

http://nymag.com/thecut/2010/10/crystal_renn_qa.html#

Dopamin or serotinin deficient?

I have read many articles about these neurotransmitters, but only this article made me understand the difference of the two well enough to understand which of the two I needed the most. Here you can read it:http://www.drwardbond.com/dr-bs-blog/depression-low-dopamine-not-low-serotonin

I have mucuna pruriens. Bought it a long time ago, but haven't tried it yet. Afraid it will get me as high as Wellbutrin did. I will try it together with someone first.http://superfoodprofiles.com/mucuna-pruriens-benefits-uses

Here is a link to a users experience:http://news.therawfoodworld.com/review-mucuna-pruriens-anti-depressant/

Reasons to recover.

Be able to have kids and energy to focus on them.

Enjoy food.

Be more relaxed and get less muscle tension and head aches.

To be free to focus on important things and have different, more important priorities.

Be free from guilt and too strict control.

Have energy to dance, run when happy, being funny and laugh.

Have consentration to read amazing books.

Enjoy romance and sex more as the energy comes back on every level of our being.

Feel and think more creatively

and get to know ourselves better as we also have more energy to express ourselves.

Be more spontanious.

Improve physically in the exercises we like.

Get our health back (f.ex. not get head aches and the common cold so often)

Feel strong so we can protect ourselves and others!

Feel alive!

Have energy to do something important, of value, something meaningful like following our calling.

Get stronger hair, nails, bones, muscles, charisma and better skin.

Get out of isolation and have extra energy for other people so they get attracted to you rather than think you are uninterested in them.

Have energy to love.

Update

My goal is to eat 1460 calories a day this week, started monday, and add more calories next week. I have no problem with it. It will be harder later when the amount is higher and I will check if I gain on it. I'm pretty sure I don't gain on this amount so it is just awesome to eat this much. I have started to feel less energetic this week so I think the healing is starting, if I understand my body right. No water retention, though.

Answering question: What motivated you to recover? I don't have any goals in life?

I had no motivation to recover some months ago because I had no goals in life. I think I must have forgotten about the value I can bring to the world. I can be the way I have always needed others to be. 

What made me want to recover now is the fact that I am so tired of not having energy to anything. I like to exercise, but now I can't do much, and I know it will make me happier to be able to. I am in my fourties so I have given up dreams about education. I have had an ED all my life. I have a son, though, and he would die if I did, and he really needs me now because he is forced to live with his father against his will ,because he was chosen by the court to be the best caretaker for him, compared to me who have an ED. It motivated me some to get well that there is a small chance I will get him back if I get well, but I don't have high hopes about it. Nevertheless, my son is fighting now and I need to be strong to support him.

I think focusing on something besides or beyond ourselves can help. Focusing on ourselves leaves us empty, because we don't see what we have inside to offer the world before we express it. We just see a big black abyss. We also get inspired by something outside or beyond ourselves.

What to do and who are you without the disorder?

Everyone of us in recovery are having or had more or less identity problems, I guess. The last time I tried recovery I struggled with that for sure. If I was no longer the skinny one, was I then the fat one soon? That was what I feared. But that was silly, because I shouldn't identify myself with a body, but my character, values and perhaps to some degree my interests and actions. If you haven't found another interest in life to engage in yet, maybe you could engage in getting a healthier body?  Like one is slowly getting thinner as restricting, one slowly feels stronger in recovery. And think about what you earlier may have thought you want to do, but have thought you couldn't because you didn't have the power to do it. Now in the future you will be able to. Focus on that. Dream big. Read recovery blogs with girls living happily the way they want to. Perhaps they will inspire you.

Today

success: I strictly follow my self made eating plan.

struggles: to reduce exercise and sleep enough.

Last time I tried to recover I almost only slept (best healing) and ate. I gained very quickly then, but healed quickly as well, I think. I'm scared of gaining, but far from as scared as last time, but I'm more tired of not having energy than scared, so I will win the battle. Love is stronger than fear. Love is on my side. God is on my side. God is not destructive. God wants me to unite with people, not isolate and leave my self out.

Answering quesition about comparing bodies.

"I'm always comparing my body to other girls, whether they have a similar body type or not, and it always makes me feel like crap because it makes me feel like a failure and I start thinking that I need to change myself. I don't know whether to strive to stay skinny or just be fine with the little curves that I have. How do I stop comparing my body to others? "

I don't stop it, I just compare my self with curvy women instead of the skinny ones I compared myself with before. I want recovery now and that is why I look for the pretty in healthy, natural bodies.

I once heared a really old woman comparing her body with teenage models and complaining she was fat. How sick is that? Compare to something similar to your own body, please! I find it easier to accept my body if I see beautiful actresses or what ever have about similar bodies as me. It's not that "the skinnier the prettier". Really not. Many look better when they are not starving.

I want to see more bellies with fat. The insunken stomaches are depressing to watch. And I will rather feel sorry for a skinny girl that are not free, are starving and may die any moment than feel bad about the fat on my body. That fat protects my life and give me energy to be happy. Fat is a hormone producing organ, not garbage.

Answering a question about appetite control.

You say you eat all the nuts if they are in the house and you start eating. What if you make a rule and say that when you eat nuts you take so and so many grams and that more is out of the question? You measure, put the bag back to the place you store it, and not before then you eat it. Then you have made your self a portion. Just an idea that works for me. I eat nuts twice a day, so I don't feel the need to eat a lot of it when I do, because I know that within just hours I will be able to eat it again. I also need to up my calories. I then use more sources of fat, like avocado, tahini, butter and olive oil. The food get tastier and tastier:) I also think recovery is great because then I can eat "unsweetened"(stevia) chocolate. That has a lot of calories. I make a potion with chocolate too because eating a lot is tempting. But I want to be in control of my desires, and this way I can enjoy it without feeling bad afterwards. Best of luck. 

2 quotes

Inspiration

Inspiration:http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3331787/Former-anorexic-warned-heart-stop-moment-says-weightlifting-saved-eats-build-muscle.html

Not meek.

Stay strong. Starve on.
Become weak instead of meek.
Rigid and frigid.

You cried from your core.
Before you were satisfied
you died.

You'e not a sketch.

I don't think we are actually disgusted by our bodies. We are disgusted by what someone did to it.

“...she was afraid of losing her shape, spreading out, not being able to contain herself any longer, beginning (that would be worst of all) to talk a lot, to tell everybody, to cry.” 
― Margaret Atwood, The Edible Woman

“The notion that life could be any different - that it could be better - becomes inconceivable. You forget how good it was to be normal. Worst of all, you come to believe that you prefer it this way.” 
― Emma Woolf

For some women, eating disorders are related to the loss of control over their bodies during the sexual abuse and serve as a means of feeling in control of their bodies now. Eating disorders can also be indicative of the developmental stage and age at which the sexual abuse began. Women with anorexia and bulimia report that they were sexually abused either at the age of puberty or during puberty, when their bodies were beginning to develop and they felt a great deal of body shame from the abuse. By contrast, women with compulsive eating report that the sexual abuse occurred before the age of puberty; they used food for comfort.” 
― Karen A. Duncan, Healing from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Journey for Women

Oh yes, I'm on it!

I'm very motivated to eat more now and have already started my slow return to a healthy body. I've looked at my body in the mirror and can accept to gain. My goal is 53 kilos. I felt much better at that weight and was pretty strong. Perhaps I will try to gain more when I reach that goal. I will see. I'm adding more calories week by week and will not stop exercising, but continue doing the little I already normally do because I feel it is not bad for me, and increase it as or if I feel stronger and more energetic.

I have a little book where I have written the calorie goal for the week and where I can write my weight every day. I have full control over my weight gain and I love this project so much because I look forward to be able to exercise more. I like that, feeling energetic and strong.

This girl does recovery amazingly. She focus on the positive about her body. Embraces it.https://www.instagram.com/amalielee/

It is motivating for me because I don't like focusing on sexy. To be sexy became something negative for me. This girl is owning her body, not selling it like" look, am I pretty? Do you want me? Will you give me compliments?" She cares about what her self think and feel about it rather than asking for others opinion. That is my impression, anyway.

A must-read about starvation

http://www.madsciencemuseum.com/msm/pl/great_starvation_experiment

Loved this: In between the two meals, Keys allowed them unlimited chewing gum, water, and black coffee, and the men took full advantage of these privileges, chewing as many as 40 packs of gum a day and downing up to 15 cups of coffee.

According to folklore, starvation had one positive physiological effect. It supposedly sharpened the senses.

Despite all these changes, the men, in their own minds, didn't perceive themselves as being excessively skinny. In fact, they began to think that everyone else looked too fat, rather than they themselves being too thin. Researchers later noted that this is the same mindset displayed by anorexics. 

The numbers when I calculate the daily need of calories.

I calculated the calories I need If I weigh 59 kilos. I just guess that is a weight that can be healthy for me. As inactive I then just need 1539 calories. That is not much and much less that the recommended 2000-2500 that people hear they should have in and after recovery.

Here is the calculator: http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm
Edit: I found one even more accurate here:http://www.iifym.com/tdee-calculator/

If my weight is like now 47 I am suppose to need 1395. I think that may be accurate.( I eat 1386 now and I don't get bigger, I think. I recently allowed myself some more after eating abut 1350 a day for a many weeks, because I do not want to get scary thin again. I am afraid I come to the point of no return. )

I was hoping I could eat a little more than just 144 calories more. Is the weight gain worth it when I can eat that little more?

I remember I ate 2200 calories at one point in recovery and was afraid of where my weight gain should stop because I was still hungry. If I should continue like that I would be huge. So I stopped and lost weight again.

Yes, the numbers confuse me.

If I write that I exercise 3 times a week on 47 kilos mye intake could be 1599.
And on 53 kilos it could be 1674. On 59 kilos with the same amount of activity 1764.
That is better numbers.

If my activity-level is between level 1 and 2 I can eat 1495 without gaining at 47 kilos, and about 1651 a day without gaining when weighing 59 kilos.

I do want to be more active. It's just that my energy-level is low and my head ache stops me. I would be so happy if a recovery could make it possible to exercise again. I love it when I have the strength and energy to do it. It will feel like luxurious.

But what does exercise 3 times a week mean that is level 2? I found the answer on the same page as the calculator:
For the sake of simplicity we define exercise here as 20 minutes of elevated heart rate.
So, 3 times/week is 20 minutes of elevated heart rate 3 times per week. For you this could mean a brisk walk, for others it could be a slow jog.
(Intense exercise can be defined as an hour of elevated heart rate. )

This means I have this level or higher actually as I take a little walk or two every day and do 30 minutes of yoga every second day. I can actually eat 1599 calories without gaining according to this calculator. It must be too good to be true. I don't have the guts to believe it. It would help tremendously, though. I would not starve and I would exercise more.

Perhaps I should take one step soon and eat 1495 a day? I think I will start with 1400 a day for a week, then go up to 1450 a day for a week or 2,3 or 4 if I don't dare to go further. Thing is, I can weigh myself to be sure I'm not gaining. My weight go up and down a little waterweight every month, so that can make it hard to know if I have gained or not. When I am sure I have not gained I will go up to 1500.

It will be exciting to see if I get more energy. When I tried to recover the last time my energy level dropped even more than before. Probably because I suddenly ate several hundred calories more and had read everyone got tired when eating more in recovery.

I'm really bored at looking at my thin thigh muscles when I do yoga. It just looks stupid. I miss having strength.

If I am going to recover I will not do it like last time, but in a slowly and controlled manner so I don't get scared and want to jump back again. 

All of a sudden I want to stop restricting.

It happened yesterday. Just after looking at a picture, ad after that I think girls look better chubby than skinny. It is so strange that I can change so much in minutes. Like I have been given a wake up call and listened. This is the picture. She looks so beautiful. Look at that stomach. So charming.

After seeing it I made dinner and got fed up of my tiny pieces and shit. Me controlling food that is so unimportant.

I have thought a lot today about how and if I can do it. Watched my stupid thoughts of fear, like "if i am not skinny I have not accomplished anything. I am then a looser in everything. The healthy argument was then "you have accomplished something if you get well from an ED!" "But there is nothing to take pride in!" Argument: "that is actually a good thing, not taking pride in anything." Oh God, what a liverating thought!

The hard part is that a friend of mine who will move in in a couple of months like me as skinny. He likes child-looking creatures. I should not make that matter. I do need support though. A lot of it too. I need a therapist that is good too, not stupid and controlling. And I need to talk to people I know so they don't think strange thoughts.

My weight now is 47,2 and my BMI is 16,1. I am so bored of starving a little every day. BORED! It's not that I give up or give into any cravings. I am just tired of restricting and having a headache every day. I have to find some support if I choose to do this. If not now, soon. First I thought: ok, maybe I can get well in 6 years time. But then I thought: why wait for a better life when I can have it sooner? So, I'll see. The picture is inspiring, nevertheless.

It is only one thing that stopped me from continuing my recovery when I tried that a year ago, and that was I hated the look of chubby people. Now I don't anymore, so now I ma just afraid others hate chubby looking people. As if I care. I don't if I like it. I know it. I like natural, I like healthy, I like authentic.