It happened yesterday. Just after looking at a picture, ad after that I think girls look better chubby than skinny. It is so strange that I can change so much in minutes. Like I have been given a wake up call and listened. This is the picture. She looks so beautiful. Look at that stomach. So charming.
After seeing it I made dinner and got fed up of my tiny pieces and shit. Me controlling food that is so unimportant.
I have thought a lot today about how and if I can do it. Watched my stupid thoughts of fear, like "if i am not skinny I have not accomplished anything. I am then a looser in everything. The healthy argument was then "you have accomplished something if you get well from an ED!" "But there is nothing to take pride in!" Argument: "that is actually a good thing, not taking pride in anything." Oh God, what a liverating thought!
The hard part is that a friend of mine who will move in in a couple of months like me as skinny. He likes child-looking creatures. I should not make that matter. I do need support though. A lot of it too. I need a therapist that is good too, not stupid and controlling. And I need to talk to people I know so they don't think strange thoughts.
My weight now is 47,2 and my BMI is 16,1. I am so bored of starving a little every day. BORED! It's not that I give up or give into any cravings. I am just tired of restricting and having a headache every day. I have to find some support if I choose to do this. If not now, soon. First I thought: ok, maybe I can get well in 6 years time. But then I thought: why wait for a better life when I can have it sooner? So, I'll see. The picture is inspiring, nevertheless.
It is only one thing that stopped me from continuing my recovery when I tried that a year ago, and that was I hated the look of chubby people. Now I don't anymore, so now I ma just afraid others hate chubby looking people. As if I care. I don't if I like it. I know it. I like natural, I like healthy, I like authentic.
I have thought a lot today about how and if I can do it. Watched my stupid thoughts of fear, like "if i am not skinny I have not accomplished anything. I am then a looser in everything. The healthy argument was then "you have accomplished something if you get well from an ED!" "But there is nothing to take pride in!" Argument: "that is actually a good thing, not taking pride in anything." Oh God, what a liverating thought!
The hard part is that a friend of mine who will move in in a couple of months like me as skinny. He likes child-looking creatures. I should not make that matter. I do need support though. A lot of it too. I need a therapist that is good too, not stupid and controlling. And I need to talk to people I know so they don't think strange thoughts.
My weight now is 47,2 and my BMI is 16,1. I am so bored of starving a little every day. BORED! It's not that I give up or give into any cravings. I am just tired of restricting and having a headache every day. I have to find some support if I choose to do this. If not now, soon. First I thought: ok, maybe I can get well in 6 years time. But then I thought: why wait for a better life when I can have it sooner? So, I'll see. The picture is inspiring, nevertheless.
It is only one thing that stopped me from continuing my recovery when I tried that a year ago, and that was I hated the look of chubby people. Now I don't anymore, so now I ma just afraid others hate chubby looking people. As if I care. I don't if I like it. I know it. I like natural, I like healthy, I like authentic.
Ingen kommentarer:
Legg inn en kommentar