I want to be natural.

When I am underweight I admire women with much more fat on their bodies than I have, but when I have restored my weight earlier I could not endure the same look on myself and admired the underweight bodies again so I went back to restriction every time. Maybe I admire the bigger bodies because my body longs to get more fat on itself? Wouldn't surprise me if it tries to trick me like that. I have recently started to get this urge to just no longer give a fuck about how many calories I eat a day (I count every piece of cucumber even and did it even while restoring my weight while consuming 3500 calories daily). I think my instincts I normally have under control have found many small holes to come up from after I have developed more love. I just no longer have the confidence to have more fat on my body, even though I think it looks so cute on others. On me it is just a sign of failure. I wish I could accept what ever amount of fat. I wish I did not get crazy from feeling fat on my stomach. Why is fat so horrible on me and so cute on others. It is unfair. Just kidding. 

I was so confident at 14 with my no longer thigh gap. I knew my face was pretty and guys liked me so I didn't care when an older guy said he wished I was thinner. But then rejection from my dad because of my bigger body than 4 years earlier happened and being seen just as an object by guys as well so being at a normal weight got difficult. We can not control others, but we can try to prevent shit from people by controlling our bodies, right? Or so I have thought. In reality I just avoided people. My dad was an ass no matter how thin I was and many guys desire women at any weight. Some people do not see past the material and pass their own nose. I think I did the right thing by avoiding certain people. 

We can do so much good if we just gave ourselves the energy. We can do so much for others. I am trying to help a lady who has an ED, but I can only get so far because i am in fear like she is. A fear that sits so deep because it is from trauma. I want her to get passed it. I have to get passed it to be able to guide her. It is all about love. Even the ED. Love, humiliation and rejection. You love, but others humiliate and reject. I just want to get over it, get through the big knot. I even want to be a proud role model with extra fat on my body just to say it is possible to be happy and chubby. I just need to mean it. It is more embarrassing to tell people you have to control your food intake than be natural. Please, me come to that mindset totally.

Rejection. Humiliation.

Fear of rejection is part of an ED, but don't forget fear of humiliation that goes hand in hand with it. 

From humiliation comes anger, but to take it out on the one(s) who humiliated us is fruitless so where do we direct it? The body that also was a part of why the humiliation happened in the first place. We can not control other people, but we can try to prevent it from happening again. Hence making us look child-like, innocent, pretty or cool so people will less likely think of attacking us again. Every time I felt humiliated I looked at myself from the outside and I saw what I felt; big. Humiliation feels like exposure, enlarged under a magnifying glass and scrutinised. We don't want this humiliation to happen again. We also want to heal from the experiences, but we don't know how to do any of those things so we reduce our own body. We simply don't know better and those who were suppose to take care of us did not either.

I can give you two examples from my own life. My dad left me when I was 10 and when he came back to see me 6 years later he just stood in the other end of the living room and looked at me. He did not come to hug me and said nothing. Just looked at me for a long time. It was uncomfortable. I felt exposed. Then he said: You have grown. He did not look happy. I thought he was unhappy with how my body had turned out. I felt rejected. He did not come closer, he said nothing more. Yes, so I felt humiliated, exposed, scrutinised. (My dad was a weird man. He never hugged me, held me, I never got to hold his hand even when I asked him to. My mum never touched me either. Not even when I had hurt myself did she try to calm me down by touching me a little. )

Another time I felt humiliated was when a 44 year old man exposed himself to me when I was 16. He had sat his chair into the hallway where he knew I would come before bedtime so I could see him when I passed by. There he sat with an open dressing gown and his hand on his penis, sleeping. I thought God was behind this, showing me myself from the outside, so when I went into the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror I saw a fat pig there instead. 

That is when I started restricting food. First pig meat. The woman in the house thought I was dieting when I said I didn't want the pork dinner she served me and suggested I avoided bread with cheese instead. So I did. And thought I should go on a restrictive diet since she thought I was dieting. She would never think that unless I needed it, I thought.