I am back. Healing the rest of my anorexia.

My weight was restored 1,5 years ago and I thought I would finally be healed from anorexia, but I hindered that from truly happening long term. It was my impatience and the fact that I still was obsessed about counting calories that did it. When my body got weight restored and the appetite decreased (after extreme hunger) I lost weight (because i had overshot my set point a lot). At that time I ate 2500 calories. My impatience and myself thought that I could try to eat just 2000 and see if I felt satisfied also then and probably lose some more, more quicky. So I did. And after a while I went down to 1800 calories, then 1700 and at last 1500 calories. I did not fully heal because of this. I have headaches again, not much energy and I understand I am not healed from anorexia as long as I count my calories and starve every evening. When I am more active than usual I get headaches. To me that is a sign that I am not healed and don't eat and rest enough. When I restricted before my attempt on recovery my headaches was bad, I had to be in bed for days. This has happened to me many times after I started taking control over my calorie intake. I feel I can't do much when I have these headaches. I feel I am not well. I want to get well.

My fear now is that I have to overshoot my set point again to heal. I think and hope that I will not get extreme hunger this time and not gain a crazy amount of weight because I have not restricted that much and not for very long. I understand now that I was not fully ready to heal from anorexia, but I will really try this time. I understand the importance of eating enough and that I must trust my body. Many girls are eating a lot and are still lean because their metabolism is healed and they eat right. (High carb and low fat whole foods).

I feel vulnerable when I am not in control, following my rules and starving my body and emotions together with it. Anorexia was my armor. Now i am not defending myself with it anymore, but actually taking care of my body. That is the opposite behavior and attitude. When you take care of your body you are more receptive to your body signals and signals from other people. I feel a lot of fear because I must let go of my old rules. How am I going to defend myself now if someone questions how much I eat or how well fed I look? Instead of making sure questions like that never come up by following anorexia rules, i must now stand up for my self and say, think and mean that I eat what my body needs and the body looks like it wants to look. It is not up to me to change nature.

To korte beskrivelser av hva anoreksi er

Anoreksi krever at man deflekterer og er dissosiert fra alt livet som skjer i kroppen. Den rikdommen er det offeret man velger bort, så man kan bruke livet på å få til en sunn og meningsfull relasjon igjen, på egne vilkår, der man ikke opplever å være bundet på samme vis, på hender og føtter. Anoreksi var eneste mulighet for å overleve i denne verden. Å forbli glassklar, transparent og aldeles upåvirkelig, fordi man selv styrer over livet på en meget nøye, men også begrensende måte.


Anoreksi sier liksom: "Jeg er ikke ønsket, så da sulter jeg bort kropp, tanker, lyst, følelser og vilje så jeg passer inn." Og: " Noen gnager på meg konstant. Se, snart er alt kjøtt borte!"

" Jeg kan ikke spise mer fordi "I have too much on my plate".

Life after anorexia

What I enjoy most now that I have recovered is sex. It feels so much better. When I no longer starved my libido I was confronted with some immature behavior I had starved to keep still. I had to integrate it to make it less dominant/out of control, and now I feel there is nothing I am ashamed of and have to hide/starve. I also enjoy doing physical activities and have the energy to do it. As well as having a good mood and a lot of humor I had forgot I had. And creativity!!! I thought I would not find anything to fill my life with when i gave up anorexia. After half a year I started doing yoga, strength training, taking bahai-courses and take photos. The energy I got when i was better gave support to try out things I thought could be fun, so I did not have a good reason to worry about an empty life after anorexia, really.

Why anorexic people starve.

It is not hard to understand anorexia. When we starve we have less life energy. Why have energy when there is nothing to be happy about? When no one loves us? What is the point in staying strong when there is no one to be strong for? When you see no love anywhere what keeps you staying here? Food and love is connected somehow. Both nourishes you. To just have food, not love, just seems unbalanced to me. So we starve instead of killing ourselves quickly hoping love will catch us before we fall in the grave.

Fodmap in bananas differs

If you eat the right variety and when it is ripened in warm temperature instead of cold, you may eat more of it without discomfort from excess fructans. Lucky are those who live in a warm country and can get ripe bananas right from the tree. The ones with no fructans is red bananas (are grown in Costa Rica), Poova and Morris. Bananas and other fruits produce fodmaps to protect themselves against the cold they feel while being stored. 

The ones you should avoid is first of all Nendran, then Hill, rasthali and karpooravalli. We also know that the common banana cavendish is tested for high levels of fodmap (fructans) when ripe. These bananas are often sold under the names of William, Grande Nain, and Valery. Sugar banana has slightly less fructan content.

http://europepmc.org/articles/pmc4648889

Update 28.04.2022: There is now two companies that sells an enzymes that digest fructans. I have ordered from one of them (Fodzyme) and look forward to making ice cream of freezed bananas. 

According to other research it is not only found fructans in bananas, but sorbitol as well. 

We switched places. A poem

After the devil left my womb
I feel like the devil's child.

No longer suppressing sexuality,
my loud voice and laughter 

that bothered my mum intensely
or being careful, thoughtful, selfless and loving. 

I am the opposite now: Sensual, sexual. With a huge ego.
I laugh instead of cry and instead of asking why.

I am the immature me finally, free.
This is where I have longed to be. 

The anorexia stopped me from developing, maybe.
I feel like 12 all over again,
but this time without anxiety.

I think we are meant to eat fruits mostly.

I did a thought experiment before I decided to become vegan. I pictured my self being the only human being in the world and that the world was new and fresh. I had to find food. What would I eat? I would not even think about killing an animal or a fish. I would not think of eating eggs from birds. I would go where it was always summer and eat fruit, fruit and more fruit.