I am back. Healing the rest of my anorexia.

My weight was restored 1,5 years ago and I thought I would finally be healed from anorexia, but I hindered that from truly happening long term. It was my impatience and the fact that I still was obsessed about counting calories that did it. When my body got weight restored and the appetite decreased (after extreme hunger) I lost weight (because i had overshot my set point a lot). At that time I ate 2500 calories. My impatience and myself thought that I could try to eat just 2000 and see if I felt satisfied also then and probably lose some more, more quicky. So I did. And after a while I went down to 1800 calories, then 1700 and at last 1500 calories. I did not fully heal because of this. I have headaches again, not much energy and I understand I am not healed from anorexia as long as I count my calories and starve every evening. When I am more active than usual I get headaches. To me that is a sign that I am not healed and don't eat and rest enough. When I restricted before my attempt on recovery my headaches was bad, I had to be in bed for days. This has happened to me many times after I started taking control over my calorie intake. I feel I can't do much when I have these headaches. I feel I am not well. I want to get well.

My fear now is that I have to overshoot my set point again to heal. I think and hope that I will not get extreme hunger this time and not gain a crazy amount of weight because I have not restricted that much and not for very long. I understand now that I was not fully ready to heal from anorexia, but I will really try this time. I understand the importance of eating enough and that I must trust my body. Many girls are eating a lot and are still lean because their metabolism is healed and they eat right. (High carb and low fat whole foods).

I feel vulnerable when I am not in control, following my rules and starving my body and emotions together with it. Anorexia was my armor. Now i am not defending myself with it anymore, but actually taking care of my body. That is the opposite behavior and attitude. When you take care of your body you are more receptive to your body signals and signals from other people. I feel a lot of fear because I must let go of my old rules. How am I going to defend myself now if someone questions how much I eat or how well fed I look? Instead of making sure questions like that never come up by following anorexia rules, i must now stand up for my self and say, think and mean that I eat what my body needs and the body looks like it wants to look. It is not up to me to change nature.