When should I stop counting calories in recovery?

There is not much point in counting calories for several reasons. One of them is that the calories listed is the amount of calories trapped in the food and not the amount the body will absorb from the food. I kind of knew this, but I thought the difference was insignificant, which it is not. At least not when it is whole foods. It also requires energy to digest the food and that energy amount varies from item to item. Nuts, brown rice and meat requires more energy to digest than processed and refined foods. This is what I found:

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/science-reveals-why-calorie-counts-are-all-wrong/

When people eat almonds, they receive just 129 calories per serving rather than the 170 calories reported on the label. People snacking on whole wheat obtained 10 percent fewer calories than those eating white bread. Proteins may require as much as five times more energy to digest as fats. Processed foods are so easily digested in the stomach and intestines that they give us a lot of energy for very little work. In contrast, veggies, nuts and whole grains make us sweat for our calories, generally offer far more vitamins and nutrients than processed items, and keep our gut bacteria happy.

https://www.discovermagazine.com/health/are-the-calorie-counts-on-food-labels-accurate 

The calories listed on labels come straight from the manufacturers — and are regulated by the FDA. But the agency allows for a 20 percent margin of error. Because of this, the caloric content is often higher than labeled, yet still within FDA limits. A 2013 study on the food label accuracy of snack foods found that their average caloric content was more than 4 percent higher than the calories listed. The researchers suggest this was because the foods contained more carbohydrates than listed.

In recovery we should stop counting when we have experienced that we eat enough if we follow our mental and physical hunger. I know this, but I am still too scared. I had a realization today though that may help me to stop: 

To stop counting is the hardest part of recovery and it is the only thing I have left to challenge. First I told myself it is ok to continue counting in recovery to make sure I eat enough, but truth is I was afraid of eating too much. I just realized this: To be afraid of eating too much is pointless now that I don't want to restrict anymore! I don't want to deprive my body anymore. I have counted calories because I wanted to make sure I did not eat more than needed because I want to be as thin as possible without starving or eating too much. It just means I still don't trust my body. I use counting to double check I eat as I should. If I could only trust that only my body knows the amount I should eat. Not my mind. I do though. I do trust the body knows. I am afraid it will make me eat more so that I gain more than necessary. Again not trusting the body, or rather not honoring the body! Yes, that is it! I still don't honor what my body needs enough. What I realized is that to get over this fear I must stop wanting to be as thin as possible. I should rather want to feed my body enough to get healthy and happy.

Sugar

I am in week 9 of my recovery now. All I care about is food. I eat above 3000 calories a day now. When my fiance' is suppose to come I ask myself: What for? I am lulled into a food prison. I am enjoying sugar like a kid that has been punished to never have sugar for 8 years and is finally free. My strict self or ED voice hope this honeymoon phase of recovery is soon over because she feel bad about the unhealthy foods I eat and are of course not happy about the weight gain. I am wondering if I eat so much sugar because I think this is just temporary before I start restricting again. Because I have been thinking it should only be allowed to eat sugar in the recovery phase and not after. Going from one extreme to the other and back, but now with more calories. Now that I am closer to balance I am questioning this. What if I want to eat sugar the rest of my life? I am enjoying this! Then I should not restrict, but enjoy myself like many other people do, should I not? They have cake, chocolate and ice cream even though they are not recovering from anorexia. It is normal. It will make my weight higher, though, but should I even care? Not sure yet. Maybe I should try to embrace that thought and make it into my life. Maybe I can relax a bit around the sugar if I understand that I can have it any time. Not just for a limited time.

After some days trying this I am able to eat less sugar on a daily basis. I listen carefully to my body and just add some sugary snack at the end of two of my meals. I eat 4 meals a day. No snacking between meals. I feel good about this. Then I eat enough, but not too much. I eat what ever I crave now except the foods that is not available here.

Trying to find the cause of anorexia

To find the cause of anorexia is impossible. It is like exclaiming: Eureka! when only finding a piece of the puzzle. To find the mental cause of anorexia is like looking at the clouds in the sky. They are always shifting and impossible to grasp. When I talk about the mental causes of anorexia I feel like I am almost lying because it is shifting and therefor uncertain. There is so many factors that may have played a role. Traumas, bullying, sexual abuse, objectification, rejection, neglect, as well as cultural aspects like diet-culture, thin ideals, fat phobia and physical factors like; How I was eating from I was 12 when my mum stopped controlling and restricting my food intake. 

Anorexia, like bulimia, can be an attempt to try to be purified from what awful they have been exposed to. Those with anorexia are like those with bulimia also very hungry and in desperate need of love and attention (to be able to heal their traumas), but because they can't find that love they suppress their hunger for all they can't have, telling themselves they don't need anything or that they want to fade away from this unloving world.

I have found out why I have felt disgusted by my body, or rather sometimes get a up a body image of a large body that is connected to a feeling of disgust. It stems from a trauma where I felt disgust for a flasher but directed it towards myself instead and another trauma where I thought my dad were disgusted by my body.

I had learned not to listen to my hunger and satiety signals because my mum, not my body, was in control of when, what and how much to eat. She had fat phobia. Fat phobia controlled what I ate. Suddenly she was too busy to take care of that- at the same time as I had to stop taking ballet lessons. I often heard her say I ate much. She was comparing it with what she ate, forgetting our bodies is very different. 

Uncertain about what and how much to eat because I didn't think of following my body signals I looked at how much others ate. Everyone ate different amounts so that was confusing! I ate as my friend when I hanged out with her and like my boyfriend when I was with him. I loved the freedom it gave me when I could afford to buy my own food. The problem then was I ate too little because fat phobia became my guide again, just like when I was little. My mums voice had become internalized as the voice of anorexia. I listened to it because I was used to be controlled by external factors instead of my body.

Food is a social thing. When I was restricting I was lonely. I ate alone. I had experienced traumas I needed to talk to someone about. I needed love and attention. To not get that made me insecure. To be on the safe side I ate too little and exercised more than others (before I drained the body completely). 

I wanted to be thin to empower myself, be more confident and free socially, but when I restricted I felt too weak to be happy, horny and social. The outcome was the opposite of what I was aiming for: I got weaker, more insecure and lonely.

I tried to connect with my dad, but all he saw was my body. I tried to connect with another man I hoped could be my father figure, but also he only focused on my body. The body was in the way of true connection. Mum too was only seeing the body, not me.

Another thing I found problematic with my body was when I was sexually aroused, boys could think that meant I wanted sex with them, even though there were no love in the picture. 

When I was younger I acted without understanding why, but when I look back and ask myself what happened before this and this act I can understand myself. Also I have asked myself how come I felt so unworthy at certain times of my life? What happened right before this? When we have most of the pieces in the puzzle we can see the big picture. It is breathtaking.

The world is ruled by love, but people either don't believe or care about that. They focus on the physical and are miserable because they don't feel appreciated. They are so materialistic they think they will be appreciated if only they looked different (women) or got a better job (men). If we only put others before ourselves like Jesus advice us to, remembering that everyone feels miserable, because very few or no one appreciate them for who they are. Be there for each other so the material/bodies/money will loose its appeal and they will feel appreciated and no longer have the need to change something perishable to feel loved. For women it is crucial to dare to be vulnerable and open up to let the love in. For both it is important to be authentic.

Fat. So what?

When a man who likes you looks at your body what do you think he sees? He put his eyes on what he finds attractive. He doesn't look for flaws like we do when we look at our bodies. Where do men put their hands on our bodies? Where there is fat. They like to have something to grab on to. They love the female bodys softness. They like what is the opposite of their own. Big women are queens! Fat phobia is caused by misinformation about health and taken advantage of by selfish people who wants to make money. We live in a materialistic society where most people focus on what can be seen. You don't have to be one of them. The fact that women are queens is a fact that get drowned in all this. We must raise up through all this garbage and be the queen we are. Be confident about who you are and be among people who appreciate you. If someone says something fat phobic remember they say it because they are still scared and who cares about an opinion based on fear and misinformation? Raise above it. Only listen to the truth and the kind. Reject everything else. There is so much garbage in the physical and mental world we must put it where it belongs so we don't walk in it and look at it every day.

My man desire me no matter how big my body is and that has helped me to accept my body. I have changed my attitude towards bodies I see. I see the bigger bodies as belonging to strong women. Strong because they no longer fear other peoples opinion so much that they weaken their bodies and risk getting ill. Why should we look up to or fear those who don't dare to be authentic in every aspect of themselves? What others think and say about fat, bodies, food etc. only affect those who agrees to what they say, so make sure you change your mind into what is true, natural and healthy. Fat or not you are queen! Start acting like one. Don't discriminate anyone (including yourself) and be good to yourself. Life is too short not to challenge our fears. 

I have come to this: That I now prefer to look/be natural than fake a look. I prefer to be authentic instead of fake skinny. I also are so done with starvation. I prefer a bigger body than always feeling deprived and like a zombie. I prefer to be liked for who I am instead so I don't have to fake it forever and feel like crap forever too. 

If you fear weight gain ask yourself what you are most afraid of and how likely that is to happen and if it did happen how would you react and what would you do? 

Imagine that everyone accepts your natural body. Then you would accept it too, wouldn't you? And that is how it should be. Everyone should. If someone don't they have an issue that you should not take offence by. As long as you stand for what is right and good what others say won't hurt you.

Hearing comments like: "You look healthy now" is hard for us in recovery. It is common to translate looking well/healthy with looking fat because for us anything else than very lean and skinny is scary. I think what we call fat is lean or slightly chubby for most people, at least when we see it on ourselves. I find it hard hearing such comments because if I am looking healthy to one appointment, what about the next when I have gain even more? I am afraid they will say stupid things like: You have gained enough now. Then I will be so angry because that is like asking me to restrict again to keep that weight and that is disordered. 

Diet culture mindset is frightening because it is about manipulation of how the body look which we want to stop doing so it is the opposite of supportive for us. Most people don't use their heads much so we have to be strong in our own beliefs so what others say doesn't throw us off balance. We are challenging our worst fears now, remember, so obviously we will hear some triggering comments to make us stronger and less fearful of such mindsets and comments in the future. We will rise above it because our own opinions always matters more than others, so when we are certain that we prefer what's natural and healthy we let others manipulate their bodies driven by fear as much as they want. It is their life. If they try to push their ways on us we just reject.

The anorexic: A twisted idealist?

I can't distinguish anorexia from the intolerance I have against the imperfections of the whole world. Anorexia doesn't just want to correct the body, but every imperfection. Gwyneth Olwyn who managed Your eatopia, now called  ED institute, has written that 2/3 have a gene that activates anorexia if we diet, but I was a an intolerant perfectionist since I was small. I wanted to perfect what ever needed perfecting so when my body bothered me I tried changing it. When I was 16 I said to myself I wanted to be responsible and get my shit together so improved my diet, started exercising more, got a new job and started reading about self improvement. I did not want to be treated like a stupid sex object anymore (by men who are not much else themselves).

Anorexia is not a demon who wants me dead. It is the intolerance in me that sometimes wants to die from all the misery and pain in the world or when I am very disappointed in myself. Note that I wrote disappointed in myself and not in my body.😉Anorexia is the part of me who can't stand imperfections, who are downtrodden and tired of disappointments. It is the immature who rebel against what is bad instead of taking responsibility and do something to improve the world. A fierce rebel that isn't afraid of going to the extremes and tear it all down. The fear of weight gain is the repulsion against imperfections and of being too much. Anorexia is just a small part of a person who feel an urge to improve herself- which is good if done correctly.

We all have destructive tendencies powered by hate, fear and anger we must keep in check. People are destructive in different ways. Those who destruct their bodies with food restriction is called anorexics, those who destruct their bodies with drugs are called drug addicts and so on. I think we can turn the destructive tendencies around when we understand that what we really want and are trying to do is to improve ourselves. Instead of improving in a rebellious way (hunger strike) that just makes us more miserable we should improve ourselves (and not our bodies). 

We all just wants to be happy. The drug addict gets happy every time she takes a drug, but in the long run she gets sick. When the anorexics starts restricting they often feel an abundance of energy and they lose weight quickly. They feel empowered by attention and compliments. As time goes by however they get sick too. Both the drug addict and the anorexic continue their behavior even though it's no fun anymore. I don't think they continue because they want to die, but they have less strength now to resist death and they don't have another strategy to become happy.

I think if I am happy about how I am (serving the world) my happiness will prevent me from dwelling on imperfections. If I think I make people happy I will not beat myself up for feeling unworthy. I think the quote from the bible that is spread around saying: "If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat." A young woman who hasn't started working yet. Who may feel like an economic burdon on her parents and doesn't contribute in any way may have this quote in the back of her mind.

I think this body reducing and purification strategy is a failed attempt to be free from feeling I am "too much" as mentioned earlier. Pure from self; Emotions, needs and sexuality. When growing up I didn't learn anything about developing virtues and how caring about others is a way to happiness. If I had I don't think I would have chosen a twisted form of selfless behaviour like anorexia. People who serve others selflessly experience a feeling of being pure and light, and they find it freeing to forget about themselves. I think those with anorexia needs love (in a way they understand as love) before they can be mature enough to love and be free that way. When they feel loved they may spend less time focusing on what needs correction and more on how they can improve the world. It is crucial that they reach out for support (get loved) first so they get what they need that can be shared, or they may beat themselves up for not having anything of value. (Speaking from experience.)

Anorexia is the embodiment of a sick society

When we who suffers from anorexia tries to get well we find that most people in the western world can't support us because they too are not well. They don't listen and trust their bodies enough either. They are controlled by external factors too: Body ideals, nutrition advice, diet culture, fat phobia, you name it- so we end up supporting them instead. Educating them, help them overcome their distrust in their bodies and fat phobia. Us with anorexia are the embodiments of a sick society where people emphasize appearance, body control, repressing emotions and are fat shaming. As long as the society is sick there will be people suffering from anorexia. 

When we try to get well by being kind to our bodies no one seem to understand. Many people see no harm in controlling the body and denying it food when it is hungry. They see no harm in exercise even though the body is malnourished (I have heard several physical therapists suggesting strength training when they know I am in a caloric deficit). When I told a friend of mine I wanted to start eating enough because I felt weak she asked how many calories I normally ate. When I had told her she said that was not very little. And that was the only and last thing she said on the matter, literally discouraging me from stop dieting. Those with anorexia go from one extreme to the other: From not listening to our bodies at all to honoring it fully. Most people are somewhere in between that so they think we are weird when we are so kind to our bodies suddenly that we sleep and rest a lot and indulge in a lot of good food and snacks. Also that we don't stop the weight gain when we have reached our set point weight. I have heard people call extreme hunger for appetite out of control and eating a lot because we are starved for binging (meaning eating too much).

People can not trust their bodies because they are not used to listen to it. They are not tuned into it so they can not understand. They are used to turn outwards for guidance. So when we say we will honor our body signals instead of being guided by the restrictive voice of anorexia they don't fully support that because they wouldn't dare to let only their bodies be their guide. They also fear they would end up fat if they ate according the cravings of their bodies and rested and slept as much as the body seemed to need. When we get well we feel like we are walking alone before everyone else and open up new land for everyone to partake in if they dare to follow. 

So much research is going on finding out what foods are good and what foods are bad. It seems like "everything in moderation" is lost in the equation. Some claim carbohydrates are bad, others say we should avoid all fats, some say we should only avoid omega 6, the list is long, but if we detach ourselves from all the theories and think for a second we all know we need it all in moderation, even nuts and chocolate, if we ask our bodies. I don't think any food is bad, but the way it is prepared can make it more or less healthy. (Cooking in oils at high temperatures is one unhealthy way of preparing food. Eating the oil, or even better eating the food the oil came from without heating it up is something different).

If we didn't need chocolate our body wouldn't crave it, would it? You may say the craving is rather a sugar addiction, but why do some people even crave dark chocolate with little or no added sugars then? If sugar is bad why do the body crave it? The reason is sugar is not just bad. We only hear about how bad it is or rather just that it is bad. Too much of anything is bad. If we trust that our bodies won't only crave chocolate forever, but wants a variety of foods and snacks we have no reason to fear our cravings and can trust our bodies. When we do that there is no need to compare how we eat with how others eat anymore because we are no longer unsure what and how much to eat. We will turn to our bodies for answers. 

Just think about how many who make money based on our insecurities! They want us to be dependent on what they have to offer or they would be jobless. The plastic surgeon doesn't want to help you to accept the way you look. He want to change it to make money. He is glad you have fallen into the trap saying: "I am not good enough. No one will love me the way I naturally am." 

The cosmetic industry tells you to first wash off the fat that lubricates your skin and then put on a artificial skin lubricant (cream). Same with your hair. First wash out the fat, then add in balm or oil. And we fall for it because no one tells us to trust our bodies. To trust nature. There is so many authors who has written books about how to eat right. Every new theory gets attention and gets sold as long as people don't trust their bodies. When many mums have fat phobia, controls what and how much their kids are allowed to eat and more or less starve their kids we haven't learned to listen to our bodies. The anorexia voice is based on the voice and attitude of our mums and/or the rest of the fat phobic comments we have heard and read.

We live in a society of manipulation. Those with anorexia are very good at that. Trying to make the body work without giving it enough fuel. We have many tricks up our sleeves to get the result we want. How to have energy to do exercise without food-fuel, how to repress hunger etc. We are admired for our self discipline and how we master our bodies, but why? Because most people don't value what is natural, kind and healthy. They see nothing wrong with going on diets; Literally weakening their bodies on purpose, giving the body no choice but to be a cannibal; Eating itself up. 

People think of diets as removing fat on their bodies while fact is the body will shrink everything it consists of, inner organs and teeth included. Intuitive eating that could be the answer to getting us back to normal eating is promoted as a tool to lose weight. Most people would love to hear our diet tricks too. They follow tricks themselves. We can read about how to manipulate the body anywhere, but these efforts are destructive. An example is a theory claiming if you eat enough protein when you are dieting you will lose fat and less muscle mass. I think if we don't give the body enough fuel it will not use much of that protein we feed it with to rebuild muscle mass (except inner organs hopefully), but convert it to glucose to have energy for the demands of the body to function properly. I was stick thin when I ate mostly protein because I had no energy to use my muscles and the body used my protein intake and muscle mass for fuel. When you eat mostly protein and too little calories you will have very little energy because the body uses energy to convert the protein into glucose. 

Another myth I fell for was believing eating carbohydrates and fats in the same meal would make the body use the carbohydrates for fuel, but store the fat in the fat tissue. You only store fat if you eat too many calories though, because the body will use the fat you fed it with for energy (and other things) if you didn't overfeed it. 

Anorexia is the embodiment of a sick society. That may be why people find the illness fascinating. People can project all their sick perceptions and repressed feelings on these individuals. Their intense vanity, shallowness, pride, body insecurities, fakeness, materialism, lack of control over body impulses or the rejection of them, fat phobia, greed, lack of self worth, envy, lack of trust in nature/bodies. You name what more I forgot to mention.

Us with anorexia are the personalization of a sick society and when we are fully healed we can help the whole society to heal with us because we have carried the problems on our backs, we found the cause of the illness and the remedy to get well.