What can make me well from my ED?

I just realised that what I thought was the causes of my anorexia really was not. I thought it was neglect and trauma. Partly yes, but I think the main cause was simply that what I saw as my main focus in life was taken away from me when I was 12 and never replaced with something else I loved and was time consuming as that. I was obsessed with classical ballet and hoped to be a professional dancer in the future. Then suddenly my mum said she could no longer afford to pay ballet lessons so I had to quit. She looked so sad when she said it so I decided to be selfless and not protest. A few months later I discover she has used money on plastic surgery. I was mad and felt betrayed, but I didn't say anything. I just rejected her from my heart. My life was empty then because everything I had done earlier was to perfect my dancing skills by improving my jumps, strength, flexibility, technique and grace. No point in doing that anymore so I looked at what my best friend was into. She was into food. So I started making food as a hobby together with her, but after a while I gained weight and I was not happy. I got into food on my own way instead, by becoming vegetarian and dieting. When that became hell I thought if I started doing drugs I might forget about the food, so I tried that for a year, but I just got occupied with both instead and eating way too little.

Maybe I need something time consuming to perfect, little by little. To perfect being skinny must as we know end in death because perfectly skinny is the skinniest, is it not? The recent years I have tried to perfect being healthy more than to perfect being skinny, but it is nothing to write home about, you know. To accomplish something that helps people or improves the world slightly would be so much better. Healthy people focus on their work, trying to perfect it. At least those who have the perfectionistic personality as many with anorexia has. I did get into poetry and God for many years and after that taking care of a son. I was not too focused on food then. It was still a priority to be skinny, but it was not the most important thing in my life to think about. I just ate habitually. So do I just need something to focus on and perfect to get rid of my ED? 

I thought so for a few minutes, but if that was the case I should have been well while having my son, but I was at my lowest weight then. I remember now there was something else in the center of my life before I got obsessed with ballet. Dad, my rock. He chose to not be my dad anymore when I was ten and left, hoping my mum would find another dad for me. He did not say that before he was about to die many years later, but I was shocked the one I thought loved me and that I loved so much would suddenly leave me as if we had no history together. I never got over it. I cried for so many years as an adult because I missed him and could not understand why he left me. So I don't know what to do to get back to how it was before I developed an ED. 

I think it is too late to get the same result by going back to something similar as in my childhood, though because I know people are not to be trusted now. I loved my son, but I was still obsessed with my ED. I was very into God and poetry, but I was still having an ED. It is not about being loved either because I am married to a man who loves me, but I am not attached. We are both individualists, both neglected and rejected by both our parents. So what can make me well now? I have thought I need another man, someone who can love me the way I think I need. Someone more emotionally available, someone who can see me on a deeper level, but even that won't help me to get rid of the ED, probably. 

If I should take a guess it is only by my decision to throw the ED out of my inner house I can get well. Just like I decided to start dieting I can stop it. By no longer give a fuck about how much fat is on my body and prioritise selfless actions for others. I think my ED is me, but in reality it is the voice of my mum. She is very careful with what she eats and always pay attention to how much fat is on her stomach. She is so tiny now at age 85. I can have God and the service of mankind as the center of my life. I know God heals me if I let him. He has healed me bit by bit each time I said I was ready for it. But it is not only the love I receive that will save me. It is the love I give. When I give selflessly I am free from myself. It is freedom. It is love. Appearance doesn't matter then. What matters then is we are united and love is all there is.

Struggles to accept your bigger body?

It helps to look for beauty in everything, in every body, instead of looking for flaws. A shift from a negative mindset to a positive one. We can remind us that to be fixated on fat is the crazy part that stems from experiences with people with a critical mindset. Mindsets we incorporated into ourselves and can get rid of. We don't want to be critical and judgemental and cause others to not accept themselves. We can say fuck you to the haters, the judgemental ones, the critical ones. Reject them and reject the critical thoughts in us and choose love and acceptance. We are perfect. So called flaws is invented by the beauty industry to make money on. Stretch marks, fat, cellulites, wrinkles, loose skin, acne is all natural, there is nothing wrong with it at all. Whats wrong is to look for flaws, to judge, to criticise, to not accept and love everything and everybody.

Stop following body fixers (those who use their looks to earn money on talking about diets and exercise) and start following body positive people on social media or those who don't focus on looks at all. Stop comparing. Start embracing differences. Make the best out of what you got. Get yourself a nice haircut and find some clothes you love that fits your body shape. Show some love. No one is unhappy with their body when they are happy.

Medication paradise

I had a weird experience today. I found my new medication Lamictal take away my stress the first day I used it, my constant little fear. Today on day 3 it has made me think differently about my body! My husband said I looked stronger today after I had been to the gym, but I said he probably just imagined it. I felt sad he thought I lifted heavier and heavier and that I had to tell him I can not, that I am not strong, I am not having enough fuel to replenish afterwards, I get too much pain and what not. Really unhappy because I could not train to get stronger as he thought. I asked myself later why I got sad because of that when I have always wanted to look skinny and not be muscular. Then I saw an image of myself as bigger, with more muscles and more fat and I loved that image of myself. I was like: What? How is that possible? That has never happened before! It must be the medication that makes me think differently as it removes my fear. Without the constant fear I no longer see the need to be skinny. It is so weird to be changed so radically and that rapidly! But it is also great. It means I can get much healthier. I can allow myself to increase my calories even when I start to gain weight from the number of calories I eat in the reverse diet that I do, because I will use that energy to get healthy and strong. I then asked myself: If I knew before taking the medication it would make me want to gain weight willingly, would I still take it? The answer was no, no way.! But now I am happy I am one step ahead. 

ED is just fear based! When the fear is gone the ED is out the window with it. Before this happened, at the gym, something happened that can be related to the change of mindset. I had to cry, which I normally do every day anyway. The difference this time was that an image of my mum looking malicious came up with it. It was like she came up through my throat and I had to feel her on the way out of me. By seeing and feeling this evil aspect of her I felt so much better afterwards. Was I relieved from the cause of my fear? She used to scorn me. Always hanging over my shoulder to look for something to criticise me for. It made me into a perfectionist, constantly stressed and afraid of criticism ever since. Seems like my ED is an evil spirit created from the traumatic impact my mum had on me. She became a part of me; Just like she harassed me in my childhood she harasses me in my adult life as a spirit within, making me just as unfree as when she hung over my shoulder. Well, that was up until now. She is out now and no longer have any power over me because the fear is gone.

After a day or two another cause of why I get stressed appeared. What I assume others expects from me. Now I will try to ask people directly if I worry they expect something I don't want to give them. The reason why it stresses me is that my mum used to criticise me and complain when I did not live up to all her unreasonable expectations. I also was in a relationship with a selfish guy who did not talk to me for a week or two if I did not do as he wanted me to, which happened a lot.

Then the third and last, it seems, reason came to my awareness. That I put the bar high for myself to always give correct information and be totally honest. Before I started the medication and lacked patience and detachment to my thoughts it was hard to prepare what to say properly. I also tried to say what I was to say as quick as possible because I  feared the attention span of the listener was very limited. Because I often didn't express myself as correct as I wanted to I was sometimes worried my message was misunderstood and had to correct myself afterwards. With Lamictal I am not so impatient, are calmer and are more detached to my thoughts so I can prepare better what to say so I fulfil my own expectations to be correct better,