Distorted body image and goals

Only when I coincidentally saw myself in a mirror or glass window I saw how thin I was. I was always surprised. Also when seeing myself on photos. When I looked in the mirror I looked bigger. I know why. I was looking for fat. If I had looked for thinness I would have found it, but I was just looking for fat. To see if I needed to improve, lose more weight. As long as I saw fat I saw a fat person and I could continue trying to reach a goal (weight). I felt safe when I was dedicated to reach one so I didn't want the goal to be reached. I knew life wouldn't change when I had reached it so when a number was reached a new goal number was set. It was tempting to try to reach an even smaller number. Risky- so it was enticing. Like walking on a thin bridge with no support between two mountain cliffs. From one life to another. The other mountain was an illusion I was dreaming about. I wished I reached it by changing my appearance. When there was no more fat on my hip I wanted to get rid of the hip bone. Never happy-
and that was the problem. I was not happy and to change my body could not change that, but I wished it could because I didn't know what else to do to be loved. Would people love me if I was more delicate?
I could not change others. I could not change the size of the heart of my parents. To accept that those who were important to me did not love me the way I needed them to was hard as bones. I had to deal with it eventually. When all that is left is bones and they still don't love you enough to want to see more of you what do you do? Let yourself wither away completely or find someone else to love you?

I left my dad when showing my bones didn't make him care. I also had to be very skinny before mum finally noticed me. I guess that was the whole idea of getting thinner: To be noticed. I would stop at nothing to be loved. Life is dreary without it and I knew that love awaited on the other side if I died before anyone cared. My mum stopped me from getting too thin to live, thankfully.

I know now I have to be loved before I can love myself and others and I did not give up on finding it. Even though my dad didn't love me the way I needed him to did not mean others could not. It was not my fault he did not. It was the size of his heart that did not receive my love. How little mature he was. 

Can one be free from anorexia?

I don't agree to those who say it is forever. For some it is, for other it is not. The sooner you get out of the anorexia behaviors and deal with emotions and stress in a more constructive way the better chance you have to be free from it forever. I have heard many say they are free from it and I do not think they are lying. If we find good supporting people and learn better ways to deal with stressors it is hope. If you understand why you started restricting and have found another, constructive way to deal with your problems and no longer try to manipulate your body, but take care of it and trust it I will say you are free from it.

It was a big surprise and a turning point for me to realize that the ED voice wanted to not make me slim, but dead. I understood it the day I was looking in the mirror to see if I could find some fat, thought I had found some, but saw that it was just a bone and I found myself angry at the bone for sticking out, taking up space! I was surprised about the reaction and thought about it and understood that I (or the ED voice ) wanted the body to vanish completely. Meaning I was suicidal without being fully aware! 

I was depressed and wanted to die, but didn't want to do it quickly. I tried to trick my body to survive on little, but in reality I was fooling myself because one day one will die from that behavior. I had thought my ED voice was on my team, helping me reach my goal to be skinny and free, but when I realized it wanted me dead I had to kick it to the curb and find my own voice. I had to dig deep through the darkness that filled me before I found some light. The more I contacted it and listened to it the more it expanded.

Look thoroughly at the thoughts that makes you engaged in the destructive behavior and pretend you hear someone else say this to themselves. What would you say to that person then? If there is something triggering the behavior see if there is something else you can do as a response to it or something else to do to prevent it to happen. Again objectively, because when we are caught up it is close to impossible to change how we see things. I found myself suddenly snapped out of the eating disorder mindset as if I had been spellbound earlier. It is the fear that traps us and an inner world based on fear is distorted. Anything/anyone who can help you to no longer fear a normal weight is helpful. 

Work directly on the fear issue. Dissolve it. The reason why people have an eating disorder for long is lack of the right support. We have to stop thinking the body and food is the enemy. Who taught you that the needs of your body isn't important to fulfill? 

To give and receive happens simultaneously

I have been so stingy towards my body.

Beating myself up for not giving enough to others.

How many times do I have to remind myself

I have to receive to have something to give?

I don't want to discriminate anyone, 

but forgot that must include myself.

If I focus on what is needed; What I or others need

I will receive and have something to give.

Both sex and love, snack and food.

My anorexia has had this ideal of being pure; Not indulge in sex or food. Be above physical needs and pain. Live above the physical realm, not accepting that I have a physical body and live in a physical world. Pretending I don't need food, sex or love (because to yearn for intimacy when it is unavailable feels so sad and lonely). I can't wait to have a heavenly body and live in a heavenly realm, but it is not possible to act as I am heavenly already now by denying the physical body and realm. God made this body for us to be able to act as the angels we feel we are in the physical world. I think it is only possible to live heavenly in this world when we embrace all we are subjected to and not denying anything. 

I don't have to reject my physical body just because I don't identify with it. If I take care of it it will no longer constantly complain about starvation and pain. I will get freedom to actually love, feel free and be happy. I have started to eat what ever and how much my body needs and my libido is back. Luckily I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me and makes love to me in a healing way. If I was single now the libido would probably become frustrating.

My anorexia think it is bad to enjoy food and sex, but would God give us these things to enjoy if they were? What can be bad (or cause us to miss the goal) is to only care about physical pleasures and not about important things like caring about others, become wiser and so on. We can care about the mundane as a means to act heavenly. When we eat enough and make love it is also so much easier to be kind and helpful to others- and be happy about ourselves because of it. Life at earth is good when we allow ourselves to eat chocolate or what ever we fancy, feel relaxed because we have satisfied our physical hunger and have enough libido to enjoy sex fully. 

To make ourselves happy what ever way that is and then share that happiness into loving others must be the right way to live. When we try to repress the needs of our body to prioritize virtues we will not reach our goal: To do good to others. It is when we take care of the needs of our bodies we have the energy to do good. We have to receive to give. We can't do that if we think we are worthless before we give. Not only on the physical level, but also on the emotional, mental and spiritual realm we need to feed ourselves if we want to share/express energy from those levels. 

I have never questioned my mental hunger for knowledge or my spiritual hunger for wisdom, but I questioned my hunger for physical fuel because I was not sure if I was welcome in the physical realm. If your parents don't want to see or hear you or if you think no one wants to be with you it is easy to question that. The physical realm is also a dangerous place where we can get mistreated and feel pain so maybe you are not sure you want to be here either. So to recover from anorexia it is important to find people who truly appreciate you and a place to live where you can feel safe and happy. 

You must be aware that restricting food is your way of defending yourself when life gets tough. To find other ways to handle tests is important to avoid going back to restriction. What circumstances could allure you to restrict again? What can you do to instead of restriction to improve your life when those things happen?

Overcome the irrational fear

I don't want to come to heaven and have to say: Well, on earth my main goal was to be thin and stay thin because I was so traumatized. I just fiddled with what was right in front of me- my body, too overwhelmed to look up on what was going on around me.


I did wish to serve people, but this wish was at the base of my skull, overshadowed by the fear of gaining weight. Unfortunately, I can't say to do good to others was my main goal. I was more like a skinny bitch than a pleasant selfless servant of God because my happiness was just as starved as the rest of me.


I don't want to die and not yet have overcome an irrational fear (of having a normal body weight). I want to be reckoned among the strong- the survivors who got lost at sea, but held on to the helping hands until I could stand safe on my own two feet on land.

Me as 14: An inspiration

Can you remember how you felt before you started restricting? A time you felt good in your body, felt strong? Before someone made you feel small? Remember how you treated your body then and had regular meals? Try to get inspired by that and take back that self image. You need support to overcome the feeling of being small, to overcome the trauma. Talk about it, cry and so on. I have been destructive for so many years myself because some men have treated me badly. They scared me and then I used the fear to restrict. They are the ones who should suffer, not us. I am done treating myself badly. Just because they did doesn't mean I deserve it and should continue doing it. No, we should find love so we can cry, heal and be good to ourselves again.

I think if we shift our focus from how the body appears to how the body feels when it is no longer starved + how more happy and calm we feel when no longer starving it will be easier to accept the weight gain in recovery. And to focus on wanting to heal our body, nourish it with food, instead of associate food with weight gain.

I remember when i was 14 I knew I was bigger than I wished to be, but I focused on the positive I could find with my body and was happy. I thought as long as guys find me attractive i am fine. An older guy expressed that he wasn't happy I wasn't thinner. I was surprised and laughed because I had seen a woman leaving his flat once looking very thin. I thought to myself she had a completely different body type than I had and I didn't even want to look so frail. I thought he was childish complaining I didn't look like her. So I didn't get offended or hurt at all. This was before I experienced several sexual traumas that made me insecure.

I have thought back on my past, again. This time not just one event, but my whole life. Looked at what happened and what I felt and did after each trauma. Finally I got the whole picture and snapped out of my fear-filled atmosphere.