Years in quasi recovery

I lived several years eating 1500 calories. Every day I ate the same foods to keep the calories in check and performed the same amount of activity. My days looked the same just to make sure I did not gain. It worked to maintain my weight, to be an anorexic person who don't end up dead, but I don't recommend it. I recommend to work on why you fear weight gain and replace the fear with love so you get a life, not just a quasi life.

I found out that my need for structure had to do with my fear of losing control of my emotions. I had strong emotions after a lot of trauma and abuse. I wanted to be "put together" within the structure I had made for myself. To be put together also means to be always tense. By living within this structure of a meal and activity plan I was not challenged, so no emotional outbursts would happen. I can get very mad in a second. I really hate it because I want to be a person who have control so I don't get hurt. I feared that I would suddenly faint on the bus not knowing what people would do to my body. I can also cry a lot. God wanted to challenge me on my fear of losing control in public so he made me lose control of my emotions even within the structure. He made me cry uncontrollably sometimes among strangers. Cry hard! Huge waves of emotions just came over me I could not stop.

I also experienced getting what later was called hysterical once I bled and the bleeding would not stop. Also something I feared I would be called. What I found was when I lost control I felt another type of control. I was detached from my emotional self and just witnessed it, untouchable. Thing is I did not trust peoples kindness. I was afraid they would bully, abuse or hurt me in some way if I was vulnerable, but God showed me otherwise. People showed respect when I cried. They just looked at me with kind caring eyes and when I was perceived as hysterical I thought the woman who disliked me or the situation was coldhearted. What she thought of me did not matter. Only what I knew was true mattered.

So ask yourself why you need the structure and challenge yourself so you can come to see that what you fear has nothing to do with your body and what happened to you had nothing to do with it either.

My ED is my mum un-personified

Mum taught me one should not eat until satisfied,  one should go to bed hungry, wait as long as possible before one eats, looks is utterly important, one must suffer to be pretty, manipulating the body in brutal ways is ok. She said I had to quit classical ballet (the core of my life) because she could no longer afford it as she needed to do plastic surgery. She bought me nice clothes when I was starved and skinny. When I had a normal weight she complained about how much I ate and how expensive the food was.  She could not help me look after my son when he was small because she had to wash her hair. Yes, it took the whole day and evening.

When I realised mum was my ED voice it was easier to recover because I never thought her opinions were wise or her values good. I got an ED to be seen behind my surface, but the strategy failed because she was too shallow to be able to, and my dad was too.

He was too scared to look within or go deeper than the surface so the anger he hid from his violent mother came out uncontrollably when his kids disturbed him. Mum divorced him when she caught him hurting the smallest one. He decided to no longer be our dad then and left the country. I was 10 by then. Mum hated him for leaving her kids and took the anger out on me who loved him dearly.

She was sexually abused as a kid and felt dirty and contempt. She thought she was disgusting so she never hugged me as a kid, even though she was one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. 

To change our appearance to prevent others from feeling disgust is easier than to clean the dirt inside. The ED focus is a cover to hide how bad we feel about ourselves, but if we heal our wounds; recover from our ED; discover who we truly are and help others do the same we become selfless and develop divine qualities which makes us free finally from the burden of a body and the focus on appearance. We no longer need to be understood because we understand ourselves, nor do we need to be seen behind the surface because we see it for ourselves, that we are pure love and there is nothing to hide. 

It is only when we cover up and hide our essence we see imperfections. The critical eye is the eye I was seen with by my mum. The critical eye is the one focusing on the surface and as through a magnifying glass see the small imperfections as huge and disgusting. It is the same as the evil eye. It is disgusting what only look with disgust. I inherited it from her. By making sure I saw the flaws before she/ my world did I hoped I could prevent criticism, but it made me critical with everything and everyone else as well. It made me evil, intolerant. I had to stop looking for flaws and I understood criticism is nothing to fear because those who criticise looks are only focusing on the negative, the surface and are disgusted by themselves. It is distorted and sick. 

"But how will I accept that the ED even happened" you ask.

By getting over the fear of weight gain and in the process of recovering we find out who we are. To recover from an ED is the journey to get to know yourself. While you were full of fear and acted accordingly you were a product of your environment. By recovery you free yourself from the collective and become a unique strong individual. By recovery you can also help the collective to improve just like you do, step by step, by sharing what you understand along the way. 

Do not fear who you will become when you no longer have an ED identity. You will not put on something new, but unmask who you always were. Remember the child you were? You have no age. You are innocent and forever pure. You are the one that loves the divine, the playful, the creative. You stand within God and share His mind who created you. All He is you are too, because there is no separation. You are not the thin one, the girl with an ED. You are Gods child. The precious one. The loving one. You are a star shining together with alle the other stars in the same sky. We all shine on each others. 

To recover is to remove the veils so you can shine again. The veils that says you are unworthy, that you are unloved (unless you are a certain way). The veils are so untrue they disappear as soon as you stop believing them. God is just there and honour your needs and take care of them. He knows them already. All you need to do is to be aware of what your need and look so you see them when they appear. Then share.

I gave up the fight.

It is a relief to let go, but to let go of fighting is not a defeat. It is to realise I don't have to fight to get what I need. I already have it inside of me. All along I wanted to draw other peoples attention to behind the surface, but to manipulate the surface never did that. It is not a defeat to give up doing it when one no longer need those others to be able to focus there oneself. To give up the fight is to stop the war against the needs of the body and me and choose acceptance of those needs. To stop the fight is to cooperate with the body. The body was never the enemy. The unaccepting view was. It is to choose love and health instead of fear and destructive behaviour that ruins health. It is to accept all kinds of bodies and flaws, it is to focus on the positive aspects of bodies and everything else. It is to stop trying to change an already brilliant creation. We have experienced it can not be changed long term anyway. It will always try to bounce back to fit its design.I wanted to be seen behind the surface because I value what is there and want to explore it. When I find other people and ways to do so and finds ways to deal with those who only focus on the surface of things, who are negative, critical and judgemental I found space to let go of trying to avoid comments from those who focus on the surface of things by manipulating my body. Those who are negative and critical will see negative aspects even in the most beautiful creation anyway. They can not be pleased. It will take a life time trying to and one is bound to fail.

We must take responsibility for our own recovery and well being. We must provide love for ourselves. Stop hoping to get it from someone who does not have it. We need to be loved to love. And then we can love those who can not love so they learn how to. My journey began when I prayed to God and discovered that for me to be able to connect I had to roll over the big stone in my heart. God is ready to heal when ever we are ready for it. I was desperately fighting to get love. I can love now. I can love my body, myself and those who "should have" loved me when I was small and needy. Turns out they don't even take themselves seriously. They don't even love themselves. They don't even have any insight in themselves. I gave up fighting because I have "won" what I was fighting for, but from the source of it, not blocked channels for it. Everyone can receive the potion they are receptive for from God. No need to fight because there is no competition or conditions. Just be like an open minded trusting kid.

I am almost there now. I am almost fully recovered.

I am not authentic when I act according to my ED voice and because having an ED means I act out of fear and that is really nothing to write home to heaven about. I have finally managed to break the spell and understood all the reasons why I have had an ED and what has kept me having one. My ED voice is a congIomerate of strong impressions I have got from people that has hurt and "made me" fearful. To avoid more bad experiences from such (selfish, shallow) people I have followed a set of rules. But neither those rules or anything else can hinder people to be assholes and as long as I fear these people I become like them. Focusing on appearance even though I hated that they did it! I choose health over appearance and love over fear now and I am out of the ED grip. Instead of ignoring or fear hunger when I feel hunger I think the body needs food and eat. Instead of getting stressed because I have no energy to be active I rest and remind myself I will get energy to be active later. I make sure to eat enough in the evening so the body has fuel to repair/heal during the night which is the time most of the healing is done. I don't fear that I will gain weight because it only happens if the body really needs to.

I am at a normal BMI now, but it is ok. I was thinking: Who am I to think I can change what God created? Do I think God did a bad job? Do I really think I can make it better? It will just force itself back to what it genetically is designed for anyway. What a stupid occupation trying to change an already good design just because my stupid parents and a lot of others in our society has a distorted, disrespectful and vain view on the body. Just because they are obsessed with appearance and can not see beyond it doesn't mean I should be like them. My mum is 86 years old now and told me yesterday she weighed only 38 kg. I have pushed her to eat more, but she always says that if she eats more it will get on her tummy. She is the eating disorder voice in my head with all the stupid rules. So no, I am getting free from the destructive rules and ideas she fed me. I will be supportive to every body, every mind, every heart. If someone stops liking me because I am at a normal weight it is probably just my mum and dad. I could not deal with that rejection earlier because I was in need of love they never gave me, but now I have found love from within and from others and find they need me more than I need them, because I have the love they never had for themselves.

From reverse dieting to food freedom

I am trying to find a way to go from reverse dieting to food freedom. 

I increased calories by doing reverse dieting instead of going all in. I could do so because I had not restricted hard and long this time. I started gaining when I increased to 2100, so I stopped, went back to 2000 and had to think. Will I track calories forever making sure I only eat 2000 so I don't gain, which is very similar to tracking when I restricted, or shall I let go of the control? I was thinking for months before I decided to take baby steps by first following a meal plan that is 2100 calories because I am hungry for more than 2000, stop going to the gym and stop following triggering people at instagram, instead just take daily walks in the forest and do some yoga now and then. So now I am following a meal plan where I measure everything to make sure I eat a set amount, but are not allowed to track to get the precise calorie intake for each day as I used to. I need to get rid of the habit of tracking everything, that is why. After a few weeks I will let my body have a bit more if it wants, like an orange, so I reach 2200 daily and even 2 and reach 2300 after that. Then I will throw away the list and eat freely, which will probably be very similar. But then I am very close to free.

What motivates me to get completely well from anorexia is to help others get free from ED prison too. I can not help anyone completely before I am over my own fears of weight gain. Which has been frustrating.

I am aware I may feel repulsed by a bigger body if I get one, but I will remind myself that this repulsion is from seeing myself through the eyes of my mum who was very critical, negative and so often looked at me with contempt, and that this contempt had nothing to do with my body, but her anger and hate towards my dad. I want to be free to eat in a way I support my body as best as I can. I want to feel good in my own skin. A pill for people with anorexia is supporting me. (Cyproheptadine) It makes me sleep better and enjoy food more. It takes away the stress so I feel like a kid again. Safe in my skin. I will eliminate my fears with love and understanding.

Edit 17 may. The plan was to increase calories slowly from 2000, but I was hungry for more than that and added orange and longed for full freedom so I went all in instead. After a few days of eating maybe 2400 a day I am no longer hungry for that much and ate maybe 2100 today. I thought yesterday that I might gain a lot by letting go of the boundaries, but I guess I am not going to gain much at all. It seems like I have balanced out calorie vice. I have already gained a few kilos so I am no longer underweight, but I am fine not being skinny. I am glad as long as I have a thigh gap. But I will not hinder the gap to be filled in if the body wants that.

I panicked once by the thought that I don't know if I eat more than before or not, but it lasted just a second. I reminded myself that when ever I am hungry I don't need to fear, but trust that the body needs it and give the body food. Normal people knows roughly how much they need every day and how many meals. I will do the same. Some structure is needed for everyone. I just went too far with it. 

Edit 25 june. I made a meal plan to have some structure, but I had no desire to follow it to the t so I went quickly back to calorie counting. I now eat 2300 daily so I am doing better anyway since I dare to eat enough. By counting I feel like I have reins on the horse to make sure I don't overeat as i would hate to gain unnecessary weight. To quit the calorie counting have to wait a little longer. Maybe do it one day here and there until I don't see the point anymore.

I also don't weigh my body. Since I ate 1600 a day weighing 51 till now eating 2300 my guess is I have gained 6 kg. 

How to make the shift from controlling to honoring the needs of the body in recovery.

When your intention to eat is to give your body what it needs to be healthy, measuring food and body weight becomes irrelevant, as those were tools used to decide how much the body was allowed to get of food and rest instead of listening to it. To get well you can decide to kick out the ED-dictator and be a loving human being instead. You can start honoring the needs of your body instead. Then you will give the body what it needs of food, drink, rest, activity..and how it looks when you give it the best foods and the at least stress possible you will accept because when you love you don't look for flaws, but see the totality, the positive and beyond the physical. 

You don't have to study your body in the mirror, you don't have to body check because when it is taken care of by you it is perfectly fine. You don't have to find the flaws to get rid of them before someone see them and comment on them because if someone would look at you to find flaws and comment on them you are dealing with a very negative person and someone without self control. This person needs help. You don't have to have such people as friends. You can find people who are positive, supporting and loving. You don't have to defend yourself against negative, judgmental people. You can leave them to themselves like other positive people would. And if it is your parents who are like that loving them will change them. They will learn from you and take better care of themselves too and later also be able to love you back.

You have to be the one to start loving you. Someone who have no love can not love you even if they wanted to.