AnoKaskade

10. apr. 2015

To control food and weight was something I started doing when I decided I had to grow up, take care of my self and get things in order. I couldn't just let bad things happen to me anymore. I had to be in charge and do things right.

9. apr. 2015

Do you wonder if you really have an ED or not? Take a test!

I got 48 points. Far above the maybe line. I did not expect that. http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/eat.htm

8. apr. 2015

Mamma = mat (om bulimimetaforen)

Det var et faktum at jeg ikke fikk omsorg og kjærlighet. Jeg fikk ikke kjærlighetsnæring. Jeg har hatt bulimi hvor matenergien kan symbolisere behovet for omsorg, men at jeg kastet opp materien/mammas kropp fordi jeg ikke likte henne. Hun viser seg, gir seg, men ikke kjærligheten sin, og kan ikke se andre. Det trengte jeg ikke. Jeg trengte ikke å elske henne, og ikke gjorde jeg det heller. Det ble også alt for mye av henne, slik det ble altfor mye mat ved bulimi. En periode ville ikke maten komme opp etter matorgier. Da tenkte jeg at behovet for kjærlighet var mye større enn min avsky for mamma. Jeg ville suge ut all energien fra maten. Den gangen så jeg henne aldri heller.

Mamma er selvutslettende. Det må være derfor hun alltid må ha oppmerksomhet fra andre.

at my fathers place

Just remembered

When I tried to live with my father at the age of 18, and my father talked to me for the first time about that I ate very little, he said with a scornful tone that he knew about a girl with bulimia. I said I wanted to get in contact with her (did not know others with ED) and he said: "no, because then you will get even worse!" ( what would be worse than eating 200 calories a day? Ahaa! He feared bulimia!) I got mad for his stupidity and controlling behaviour so I binged and purged so he could hear it. I knew it would irritate him and it made me happy I could show him who was in charge.

I did not stay more than 3 months. I left before I had no energy left to move to another place. Cause my weight loss did not make him love me. There was nothing i could do to make him love me.

Many have negative thoughts about their body but they don't develop an E.D.

I had negative thoughts about my body before I developed anorexia. But something bad happened before I was disturbed enough to make the change to be be anorexic. But if I had had someone to talk to about what happened to me I would not have developed anorexia. It was when i thought about the fact that i had noone to support me and talk to about what had happened I had to make a plan to take care of myself and grow up. So I wanted to diet because I had eaten like a child what ever I wanted and become chubby at the age of 16. But a few years later I just wanted to be like a child and not grow up. Not that I wanted anyone else to take care of me in a controlling way, but just to love me, be close. I got better control of my ED when i got a boyfriend that cared about me after having an ED for 5 years and isolated myself. Then i was able to eat regularily, but i was still very controlling and have been that ever since because i want to keep my weight lower than my body want me to.

Now I think I want a man that like me no matter size and that would be happy if I gained to my set point weight, and that found me more sexy the bigger I got. That is the support I need now to be almost fully recovered.