Vil vi slutte å skade kroppen da?

Når vi innser at det ikke er kroppen eller noe annet ved oss som er grunnen til at vi ble behandlet dårlig, oversett eller avvist, og at vi ikke kan hindre andre i å være drittsekker ved å manipulere vår kropp. Når vi forstår at vår verdi ikke bestemmes av hvordan vi blir behandlet og slutter å forvente anerkjennelse fra folk som ikke engang anerkjenner sin egen verdi, vil vi slutte å skade kroppen da?

Når du finner din egen verdi inni deg og lever i tråd med dine egne verdier sørger du for at du har det godt med deg selv og begynner ikke å tvile på deg selv når folk oppfører seg merkelig eller ikke gir deg det du trenger. Du tenker ikke at det er noe galt med deg selv da. Du begynner ikke å forandre kroppen din. Du trenger ikke at noen forteller deg hvor smart og pen du er fordi du vet det selv. Du vet at mennesker som har det godt med seg selv behandler andre bra - og hvis noen kritiserer deg, er det fordi de selv er redde for den samme kritikken og ennå ikke er overbevist om at det ikke er noe galt med dem.

Vi er alle mye mer verdifulle enn vi kan forestille oss. Vi er kjærlighet som uttrykker seg gjennom menneskelige begrensninger. Det er ingenting med verden som er deg. Du er fullstendig fri. Ingen kan bestemme hva du finner av verdi. Du er helt utrolig vakker. Så slutt å se etter feil. Det er ikke noe feil ved deg siden du ikke fikk det du trengte. Det er ikke din feil at du ble dårlig behandlet. Det er ingen feil. Alt er som det skal være. Du må bare lete på riktig sted for å finne det du trenger. Et sted som ikke er i denne verden overhodet, men i lyset i oven hvor du hører hjemme.

When will you stop fighting your body?

When we realise that the body and not anything else about us is the cause of why we were treated like shit, overlooked or rejected and that by manipulating the body we can not hinder others from being pricks. When we understand our worth is not determined by how we are treated and stop expecting recognition from people who doesn't even recognise their own worth!

When you find your own worth inside and live according to your own values you make sure you feel good about yourself. Then you don't start doubting yourself when people act strange. You don't think it is something wrong with you. You don't need anyone to tell you how smart and pretty you are because you know yourself. You know that people who feel good about themselves treat others well and if someone criticise you they are afraid of that criticism themselves and are not yet convinced there is nothing wrong with them. We are all much more worthy than we can imagine. We are love expressing itself through the limitations of a human being.

So why to I continue controlling my body?

For me it is about control. I am emotional and do not know how to control my emotions well. My fuse is so short and my anger intense sometimes if I get triggered and it wake up memories from past abuse. I attach all the humiliations onto how my body looked when the humiliations happened and when I think of gaining weight and risk looking like that again it makes me frightened as if it can cause more abuse. It is not logic, but I don't know how to shake it off. My emotions are stronger after all the abuse and humiliations. I have a killer instinct now I didn't have before. I have to control my emotions so I don't hurt anyone and my body that may attract more abuse. I get better year to year, but to let go completely is hard. I still fear humiliations and to not be taken seriously.


It i hard to recover when not knowing why you do what you do. I read somewhere that a cause could be to have a sense of control, stability, in a chaotic uncontrollable world (after trauma). That resonated with me. I think it serves as an armor, a defence mechanism, created after trauma. I asked myself: What if I just let go and eat more and gain weight? A lot of emotions comes up, fear, anger and memories of abuse comes up. So yes I think I try to prevent things like that to happen again, long time after they happened. To control the body does not help in that regard at all. It is like grabbing a straw of grass when falling down a hillside and hold on to it as if it is better than nothing while falling. I think it can help to learn how to set boundaries for ourselves and to heal past trauma. Abuse woke up a killer instinct in me. To control my own emotions is the difficult part and I wonder if that is why I focus on controlling the body instead. Like a distraction from the chaotic world and my emotions. Yes, I think that is the key: Distraction. Like smoking to get a break from it all and put a lid on the subconscious and a wall up towards the world.

I wonder if there is magic thinking at play here, hoping to control how people behave towards us indirectly by believing: "If only I change the way I look I will be free to be authentic because people will treat me with respect and kindness?" But we can not control other people. We can not prevent bad things to happen. We can only control how we respond to it, but that is the difficult part. To not react, but be genuinely how we want to be take a lot of energy. We have to be open and vulnerable, we have to care about other peoples feelings, be selfless. I think my bad self image is bad when I think about the times I was not nice. When I was out of control. Also when I look through the eyes of others who dislike me. I don't feel that I have cracked the nut for why I cling to the control of my food intake or I would have changed and would not feel fear and anger the minute I think of letting go of the control. Maybe it is my anger I try to keep in check by controlling my food intake? Maybe it keeps the fear at bay? To avoid feeling out of control in general? Feeling the powerlessness that is real? That I can not control other people, if they abuse or reject me? I don't know because I still cling to calculations and weighing. A crutch? I can not know anything for sure.

What I am sure about is humiliations is a cause of why I started manipulating my body. I felt repulsed, angry, humiliated, sad and what not by other peoples actions towards me, but could not express anything. The body stood between the person and me every time. If it was prettier maybe I would have been treated better? If I looked more fierce and strong maybe I wouldn't been seen as an easy victim? Or if I looked more child-like I would have been spared? I want to control my surroundings so I am not invaded or hurt again, but are only able to control my body, the part of me that is in the world. Because when something horrible happens I become speechless and freeze. I can not protect myself. All I can do is prevent things from happening. By avoiding people and manipulating my body. I should know by now it does not hinder me from getting hurt or abused at all. Still I continue.

Recovery affirmations that may help me personally

I have a fear of letting go of restriction, but also had a strong urge to break free from the anorexia prison
which is like a hand that squeeze my head it feels like a migraine.

I want to be natural. Not thin because I manipulate my body.
I want to be strong. Not so weak I can not help out when I am needed.
I want to be strong in my core, not on the surface.
I want to be selfless. Not afraid of criticism (which only says something about the one criticising).
I don't want vanity or fear make me starve or strain myself.
If I need rest I will rest. If I need to be active I will be active. If I need to eat I will eat.
Every body type is gorgeous. I no longer look at bodies critically. I only see beauty.
I see people, not appearance (only). I am not superficial like my parents. I don't judge.
I recover to be able to help others get over their fears and to love which is only possible without fear.
To be thin does not make selfish people less selfish. You have to avoid them and say no to them, not change your body.
You were not rejected because of how your body looked or anything else about you. Your parents just didn't know how to love and they were afraid to look under the surface.
They rejected your emotions like they rejected their own.
I am not gonna read the news.
I am not going to talk about anything negative about other people.
If I am critical to my body my body is still good enough. It is my mind set that is not.
I should eat according to how my body feels, not according to the appearance of it.
Fat is not bad, ugly or unhealthy.

Build yourself up.

The nature of the beast: It is not finished before you are in the grave. That is what you need to understand. It is the destructive force, it is death, slowly finishing your body because you want it smaller. Instead of letting it kill you slowly as it helps you get thin you could focus on how you can build people up. That will help you build yourself up too, because how can you help others if you have not helped yourself first? 

Maybe our purpose is to help others, but to be able to do so we first need to go through what others do? I do not want to say when my life has ended and souls ask what I did at earth "At least I managed to get really skinny." No, I want to say I tried to help people as much as possible so they could understand their own worth enough to take care of themselves and do the same thing. I have tried to help a woman with an ED lately and by doing so I came to a point where I saw I could not get further because I had not understood why I was destructive myself yet, but the motivation to help her motivated me to take a good look at the big knot in my mind and unravel what was there.

To get thin was a strategy to deal with selfish people when setting boundaries for myself was not an option as I was already invaded. When you get invaded it builds up hate, but if that hate is not possible to express to the people who did you harm what do you do with it? Selfish people also want you to take the blame! So you have to take it on yourself. If you had expressed it you might have killed the beasts and the hate doesn't calm down when they never say sorry. Also meaning it is not safe again. You can expect abuse to happen again. What do you do when the beasts can not be controlled? You avoid them and you try what you can to prevent abuse to happen again so you can feel somewhat safe. You make sure your body is less visible for the beasts, less sexy to avoid sexual abuse, less repulsive for the ones with contempt to avoid criticism and rejection. You do what you can do in a world that is unsafe because many have no empathy. They just take what they want and say what they feel like. But you are not weak. You were weakened for a while by rejection, invasion and abuse. It is harm that needs healing. Thing is you will get stronger when the healing is done and then you can easily manage those beasts. Because they are the weak ones as they lack every deed. Without love they are nothing. 

Build yourself up because the abusers have no pity. Build yourself up by the power of love and step on the beasts with your foot. What they say says something about themselves. As a channel for love there is nothing in the way that can be harmed. As a channel for love you are finally safe. Build yourself up because your love is needed by those who have experienced the same as you. 

I want to be natural.

When I am underweight I admire women with much more fat on their bodies than I have, but when I have restored my weight earlier I could not endure the same look on myself and admired the underweight bodies again so I went back to restriction every time. Maybe I admire the bigger bodies because my body longs to get more fat on itself? Wouldn't surprise me if it tries to trick me like that. I have recently started to get this urge to just no longer give a fuck about how many calories I eat a day (I count every piece of cucumber even and did it even while restoring my weight while consuming 3500 calories daily). I think my instincts I normally have under control have found many small holes to come up from after I have developed more love. I just no longer have the confidence to have more fat on my body, even though I think it looks so cute on others. On me it is just a sign of failure. I wish I could accept what ever amount of fat. I wish I did not get crazy from feeling fat on my stomach. Why is fat so horrible on me and so cute on others. It is unfair. Just kidding. 

I was so confident at 14 with my no longer thigh gap. I knew my face was pretty and guys liked me so I didn't care when an older guy said he wished I was thinner. But then rejection from my dad because of my bigger body than 4 years earlier happened and being seen just as an object by guys as well so being at a normal weight got difficult. We can not control others, but we can try to prevent shit from people by controlling our bodies, right? Or so I have thought. In reality I just avoided people. My dad was an ass no matter how thin I was and many guys desire women at any weight. Some people do not see past the material and pass their own nose. I think I did the right thing by avoiding certain people. 

We can do so much good if we just gave ourselves the energy. We can do so much for others. I am trying to help a lady who has an ED, but I can only get so far because i am in fear like she is. A fear that sits so deep because it is from trauma. I want her to get passed it. I have to get passed it to be able to guide her. It is all about love. Even the ED. Love, humiliation and rejection. You love, but others humiliate and reject. I just want to get over it, get through the big knot. I even want to be a proud role model with extra fat on my body just to say it is possible to be happy and chubby. I just need to mean it. It is more embarrassing to tell people you have to control your food intake than be natural. Please, me come to that mindset totally.

Rejection. Humiliation.

Fear of rejection is part of an ED, but don't forget fear of humiliation that goes hand in hand with it. 

From humiliation comes anger, but to take it out on the one(s) who humiliated us is fruitless so where do we direct it? The body that also was a part of why the humiliation happened in the first place. We can not control other people, but we can try to prevent it from happening again. Hence making us look child-like, innocent, pretty or cool so people will less likely think of attacking us again. Every time I felt humiliated I looked at myself from the outside and I saw what I felt; big. Humiliation feels like exposure, enlarged under a magnifying glass and scrutinised. We don't want this humiliation to happen again. We also want to heal from the experiences, but we don't know how to do any of those things so we reduce our own body. We simply don't know better and those who were suppose to take care of us did not either.

I can give you two examples from my own life. My dad left me when I was 10 and when he came back to see me 6 years later he just stood in the other end of the living room and looked at me. He did not come to hug me and said nothing. Just looked at me for a long time. It was uncomfortable. I felt exposed. Then he said: You have grown. He did not look happy. I thought he was unhappy with how my body had turned out. I felt rejected. He did not come closer, he said nothing more. Yes, so I felt humiliated, exposed, scrutinised. (My dad was a weird man. He never hugged me, held me, I never got to hold his hand even when I asked him to. My mum never touched me either. Not even when I had hurt myself did she try to calm me down by touching me a little. )

Another time I felt humiliated was when a 44 year old man exposed himself to me when I was 16. He had sat his chair into the hallway where he knew I would come before bedtime so I could see him when I passed by. There he sat with an open dressing gown and his hand on his penis, sleeping. I thought God was behind this, showing me myself from the outside, so when I went into the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror I saw a fat pig there instead. 

That is when I started restricting food. First pig meat. The woman in the house thought I was dieting when I said I didn't want the pork dinner she served me and suggested I avoided bread with cheese instead. So I did. And thought I should go on a restrictive diet since she thought I was dieting. She would never think that unless I needed it, I thought.