Reverse dieting with updates

9 september 2024 I had a weird experience today. I mentioned in my update yesterday I found my new medication take away my stress. Today it has made me think so differently about my body even! My husband said I looked stronger today after I had been to the gym, but I said he probably just imagined it because he thought I trained heavier than I actually do. I felt sad he thought I lifted heavier and heavier and that I had to tell him I can not, that I am not strong, I am not having enough fuel to replenish afterwards, I get too much pain and what not. Really unhappy because I could not train to get stronger as he thought. I asked myself later why I got sad because of that since it was so odd; I have always wanted to look skinny and not be muscular. Then I saw an image of myself as bigger, with more muscles and more fat and I loved that image of myself. I was like: What? How is that possible? That has never happened before! It must be the medication that makes me think differently as it removes my fear. Without the constant fear I no longer see the need to be skinny. It is so weird! But it is also great. It means I can get much healthier. I can allow myself to increase my calories even when I start to gain weight from the number of calories I eat in the reverse diet that I do, because I will use that energy to get healthy and strong. OMG! I then asked myself: If I knew before taking the medication it would make me want to. gain weight willingly would I still take it? The answer is no, no way.! But now I am happy I am one step ahead.


This ED is just fear based. When the fear is gone the ED is out the window with it. Before this happened, at the gym, something happened that can be related to the change of mindset, though. I had to cry and an image of my mum looking malicious came up. It was like she came up through my throat and I had to feel her on the way out of me. By seeing and feeling this evil aspect of her I felt so much better afterwards. Like relieved from the cause of my fear. She used to scorn me. Always hanging over my shoulder to look for something to criticise me for. It made me into a perfectionist, constantly stressed and afraid of criticism ever since. Seems like my ED is an evil spirit still alive and has made such a big impact on me she has become a part of me. Just like she harassed me in my childhood she harasses me in my adult life as a spirit within, making me just as unfree as when she hung over my shoulder in my young years. Well, that was up until now. She is out now. Earlier I thought medication is just bad and the pill industry is evil. It is not that black and white obviously. I said I will eat 1880 calories for three weeks to see if I gain from this increased amount or not. If I do I have decided I will not stop, but continue increasing to get well. Step by step to not get overwhelmed.

15 september 2024 My reverse diet continues: This week I have eaten 1900 calories on average! I dared to increase already after a week. I am little proud and a tiny bit scared, but I am hopeful. The monster (my internal mum) is out. I don't see the big danger in gaining a little anymore. Next week I will eat 1920 on average. Cause I am hungry for more. I weighed 52,4 yesterday (BMI 17,9) so no difference really as I have been weighing between 51,5 and 53 for a while now. Will continue weighing myself and see how this effects my weight.

I weighed 52,7 yesterday so I may or may not have gained any. Do not know before I weight more than 53 as my weight fluctuates between 51 and 53 all the time. I upped my calorie intake to 1920 last week from 1900 the one before. Felt kinda dizzy looking at the number, but I felt fueled up enough to start lifting weights that week, not just body weight, so in theory that extra fuel could go to the muscle tissue instead of the fat tissue.

I am just a tiny bit hungry for more than I eat now so I will increase my intake to 1940 this week. I want to feel strong and healthy as well as having energy to others. Just not have more body fat. Hopefully I manage to tweak this successfully. The minute I see I have gained I will go back to a little less unless I am convinced I gained muscle mass.

I went all in when I tried to recover earlier because reverse dieting became too difficult when I had starved for too long. Hard because I got very hungry when giving the body more. Now I acted right in time and I am so happy I did. This is exciting because I am so bored of being hungry. I may not ever stop counting calories, but at least I will function better now.

Reverse diet update: I have reached 2000 calories a day and I have not gained anything. My weight today was 51,7 kg. That is a BMI of 17, something as my height is 171 cm. I can almost not believe it because I used to think my metabolism was special, that I could never eat more than 1500 a day ever to stay underweight. Very happy about it. My body burns carbs efficiently so carbs is what it will get. I think the success is caused by keeping it low fat, loads of fruits and enough calcium. Also increasing calories extra slowly helps to make sure the body adjusts and keeping me as relaxed as possible so I don't go back to lower calories. I did have times where I was body checking like crazy partly because I had to exercise less because of some pain, but I kept eating. Glad I did. I hope I inspire others to try as well and not go back when you see the result of water fluctuation on the scale. Why eat 1500 when you can eat 2000 and weigh the same? Just feel better. I am not finished though. I may increase even 100 to 200 more.