Disgust

I have been wondering lately: if one feel disgusted by something and then look in the mirror at our naked body one can think the body is disgusting even though that wasn't the source to begin with. I did that the first time my body image went crazy. I was disgusted by a man (pig) who had just showed me that he had masturbated just to show me right before I went to the bathroom and saw my body in the mirror. I then thought I looked like a pig and was disgusting. The next day I even turned vegetarian and still don't eat pork (pig). My restrictive eating has been a sexual issue too. I have restricted the sexual feelings because there are pigs that can not control their desire, and at the exact same time as this happened I had a hard time controlling it myself. Starving starves the sexual energy and every desire as well. So if you feel a negative feeling don't look in the mirror.

Body dysmorphia

I'm doing fine. I just wanted to say I became aware of my body dysmorphia again. I think I look fat, and I told my mum that yesterday, and I was surprised that she said she couldn't see any difference, no weight gain on me since before I started eating more. I looked at my self in the mirror this morning and all I could see was fat all over and thought I had gained even more since yesterday when i ate 800 calories above minimum. But then I tried to look in a different way. Tried to see if I could look thin, as she probably looked at me, and then what I saw was completely different. I think it's important for me to be aware of my tendency to see just fat and remember to switch the way I look at my body.

Before, i had to check how my body looked in windows and mirrors all the time to confirm I still looked skinny, because I couldn't trust the way I looked at my self in the bathroom mirror when all I saw was fat. I still do it sometimes, but try not to be too obsessed about it.

I don't fear weight gain now, but I don't want it either. Just have to accept it. I guess I will think it will be harder the more I gain, of course. But I will try not to focus too much on my looks, but the positive aspects of recovery instead.