45 kg

Idag veide jeg 45. Vekten pleier å gå mellom tre tall, altså variere med 2 kg i en månedsyklus. Vekten varierte mellom 46, 47 og 48 før, og jeg sa da at jeg veide 47. Nå veier jeg altså en kilo mindre enn det minste. Jeg trodde jeg kom til å holde vekten eller gå opp, jeg. Der tok jeg feil. Jeg er litt glad for å veie 46, men jeg vil fortsatt ikke ned til 43, altså, men å stoppe vektnedgangen og risikere å gå opp er ikke noe jeg vil heller. Jeg bare fortsetter som før. 

Notater fra et gammelt simkort.

Jeg gjør meg så liten som du ser meg, men jeg kan ikke bli liten nok da.
Skjelettet blir også for stort, for du betrakter kun en overflate.
Sinnet denne overfladiskheten skaper inni meg slår sprekker i den.
Det er da du og jeg ser meg stor og stygg.

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Prøver du å kvitte deg med fett
eller deg selv ved å bli så lett?

Du blir ikke mindre kroppslig
av å gjøre kroppen mindre.
Om du vil løsrive deg fra den
må du kjenne på følelsene i den.

Noen forholder seg kun til utsiden.
Ikke heng deg opp i den du.

Devotion

If you don't want to feed
and protect me
I don't need you

as a buddy
when I can't go to mummy or daddy.
I need you to wrap yourself around me
so I can unwrap myself

and lose face
when the world is a fist in mine
and I'm lost
and all i want to do
is get into you.

http://youtu.be/zF2_VqzyzWw

Blomstermedisin

Her er en link om essenser for angst og spenninger. Vil i tillegg nevne epleblomst mot følelsen av å være skitten. Det funker som bare det etter 4 ukers tids bruk.http://www.flowersociety.org/angeli_panicattacks.htm

Lavkarboboller med mandelmel og cottage cheese i to vaianterVariant 2.

Sett ovnen på 180 grader.
Smelt 76 g smør (setersmør)
Visp bare raskt sammen 4 medium store egg (225g),
deretter 1 ts strøken måleskje stevia, litt salt, 1 ts ekte vaniljepulver( du finner det på ebay.com og iherb.com, eller bruk essens, men ikke vaniljesukker)
og 235 g cottage cheese, mager, og visp litt til.

Hell oppi smøret og så 327 g avfettet mandelmel (fra funksjonell mat)
(Nå finner du avfettet mandelmel i de fleste matbutikker + helsekost.)
Visp sammen og trill ut 10 boller og sett på et bakepapir på et stekebrett.

Jeg bruker rare tall fordi jeg vil gi nøyaktig antall kalorier, som er 209,7 pr bolle, fordi hele deigen er 2097 kalorier.

Stekes i 10 til 20 minutter.
De er kjempegode!

Før brukte jeg proteinpulver i, men det fikk jeg luft i magen av. Om du ikke får det kan du erstatte 40 g av mandelmelet med whey proteinpulver. Mulig du vil redusere noe på steviamengden om pulveret er søtt.

Variant nr 2 er magrere men lages som over.

335 mandelmel avfettet
207 g egg
33 g eggehvite
49 g setersmør eller smør
223 g cottage cheese mager
1 ts ren vanilje (ikke vaniljesukker men den sorte)
1 ts ren stevia (strøken måleskje)
litt salt

12 stk små boller gir 159 kalorier pr stk og svært lite karbohydrater.
Hele deigen inneholder 1912 kalorier.

Burdon

Don't you see?
She's just got too much on her plate!
Help her, please, like Jesus said:
Carry each others burdon.
She's got a lot to get off her chest
before the food can go down.

Be a doll, dear!

if you are not superficial you are not worth respect. Beauty is all that matters. If you are a lady you should not have too big nose, not too big hips, not too big mouth! Literary and not. Be not too nosy, do not speak your mind out too freely or eat too large bites of food. Do not have too big stomach or too much emotions. Daddy says: shrink woman! Mommy says: be a beautiful bending doll, dear!

http://www.xojane.com/issues/weight-discrimination-at-work

But how?

To get well from anorexia I am certain we has to start follow realistic, not our supernatural, ideals and demands. We have to find the unrealistic ones and reduce them. One of my ideals is to serve others, work all the time, only thinking about others needs and not my own, and do that with no thought or need for food or sleep.

When I was little my dad thought I might be a genious, almost. Very intelligent. He asked the school if i could skip a grade or two when i was 5 because I could do the things my sister did at school better than her (she is 3,5 years older). The school said it was ok, but that it would not be the wisest thing to do because of social reasons. I am glad they followed that advice because I felt childish in comparison to the others in my class.

Point is: how my parents thought of me had much influence on my expectations to myself. I remember I got a panick attack when I was 12 because I found out i was not as well prepared to a test as i wanted to be (to do it perfectly). I remember I rushed home from my friends to read.They never asked how school was and expected I did the best and didn't need any help.

After I felt rejected first by my father, then my mother, then a boy i was interested in and finally a man who treated me badly, I started dieting, as I remembered my parents ideals for how a body should look like.

But how to let go of unrealistic demands to ourselves i don't know, but I think the first step is to find out where it comes from, and reject the demands because they are stupid.

Great article about hypersensitivity.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/26/highly-sensitive-people-signs-habits_n_4810794.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

I don't like the truth.

https://gokaleo.com/2013/01/25/adrenal-fatigue-as-a-cover-for-starvation/

I am reading the article above because I was searching the web to see if calorie-restriction is the main cause for getting the flu and cold all the time. It even said that when you starve you are more sensitive to cold weather, and it is when it is cold outsie I get the cold and flu more often. I have wanted to find another reason, like lack of vitamins, so I do not have to gain weight to get my health back. I have actually asked God why i get ill all the time, because I have suppressed the fact that i eat a bit too little. The article above is a bit upsetting and I do not want it to be the truth. I will take supplemenst, but a thought says I have done that before and it did not help.

I really don't like this. i do not want to gain weight. On the other hand I am really tired of being tired all the time and not have energy to be happy, for yoga, a life! I am sad now. It is so scary to think about being large and to have fat on the hips. I am afraid I will drown in my own fatty body. Now that I am thin I feel I stand out, clean from excess fat. Oh God.

Another thing taht is even worse is that I am always feeling bad because I do not serve others (work).
Oh my God, i have thought I am well from anorexia lately because I am pretty happy with my weight and and have no feeling of starvation.

I eat round 1500 a day, but remember i am not active like most people (because i don't have the energy). I only walk 70 minutes a day and try to do yoga 3-4 times a week.

Oh, God, it scares me to see the facts.

What i do, though, is to sleep when I need to sleep. I mean at daytime, when i am ill or in lack of sleep because i never get enough at night. So i think I take care of my self pretty good. I try not to think that i burn less calories that way, but I do, but I do not let that stop me from sleeping.

Lately i have had fever and probably should stay home and relax, but I don't want to gain weight so I take my walks even though my energy-level is very low. I more slowly the more ill I am. I know fighting virus burn some calories. Thank God for that!

A little part of me want to get well. For me that means to eat without worrying about calories and how healthy it is and without forcing myself to exercise and not study my body and freak out when I see fat. Then I will feel mature, but when I picture this I can't see my face, it is another persons face. I really can't see myself like big. I have a plan that I will do this sometime when I get old enough. I still look very young. People take me for more than 10 years younger than i am. (Always eating healthy and taking supplements, never much in the sun-exposure, no alchohol, drugs, medicine or tobacco.) But that may partly be because I am thin:(.

What a relief it must be to eat much and not be scared afterwards!

I am scared the day I should let go totally is sooner than I would like it to be. Perhaps i should decide exsactly the day for it now so that I don't always think: "I will eat normal in the future some day". I suggest the age 45. Then I am in the middle of mye life and should be mature and not look like an anorexic or Hollywood-wife kind of vain. I have never thought Kate Winslet has an ugly body, but was shocked when I saw her nude in the movie "Holy smoke!". It was very facinating to see her naked, and I think she is brave letting her body be natural, and I think I may be that size when i am well from anorexia. I should have a picture of her naked body on the wall in stead of looking at skinny models, right? I must start trying to picture myself with a larger body. If it comes like shock, like last time I tried to gain, it will not work. It looks like I must gain 20 kilos to look like her here: